I don't want to marry her. Should I let her go?

[Cookiesandough]

Wait, I don’t understand what you mean when you say that you will feel guilty for not marrying her? You do realize that she could very well be happy enough. Or has she wanted marriage and kids before? Because not every woman/man wants these things. I don’t. Humans have rationality and can choose their own path and not everyone feels bound by tradition in the case of marriage or biology by having kids. Maybe she is truly the same way and does not want to be latched on to someone for life that she cannot escape without a huge ordeal

Edited February 17, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

On 2/16/2021 at 4:24 PM, neowulf said:

I'm just endlessly depressed that I'm never really going to grow up.  40's , never married, no children.  WTF is wrong with me.

I shouldn't have to get into a knife fight with myself to do the things regular human grownups do.

There are "societal expectations" and then there is you, the individual.

We tend to unconsciously internalize societal expectations and then judge ourselves against them, even when it doesn't necessarily make sense to.

I've heard that people who don't want to marry are this way in part because they'd rather be alone than in a bad marriage. Often this is because they've witnessed a bad marriage close up, e.g. as kids. Not sure if that's you, but something to consider.

At any rate, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is, but consider "letting you be you"/accepting how you are. This should hopefully end the need for "knife fights."

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't understand grownups. Grownups marry because they want to, not because of societal expectations. People trying to be grownups marry because of social expectations. 

"Regular human beings" ... uh ... what the heck does that mean? Do you not eat? Drink? Require water, walk on two feet? 

 

[neowulf]

6 hours ago, Angelle said:

If you aren't excited about it, then you shouldn't get married. It wouldn't be fair to either of you.

A sensible conclusion.  I suppose I'm trying to figure out why I don't want to marry her.  Does not being married matter enough to leave her over it?
Am I against marrying completely, or is my issue with marrying her? These are the questions I'm struggling with.

[neowulf]

58 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You don't understand grownups. Grownups marry because they want to, not because of societal expectations. People trying to be grownups marry because of social expectations. 

"Regular human beings" ... uh ... what the heck does that mean? Do you not eat? Drink? Require water, walk on two feet? 

 

Perhaps "normal" wasn't the expression I was looking for.  Perhaps "common" would be a better word.  People commonly marry and have families.  I assumed this would be the path my life took.  Dismissing social expectations is easier for some than others.

[neowulf]

11 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Many women want to get married......so if you date, I think this should be expected, and you should be prepared. To many women, it's romantic.

That said, since you have a poor view of marriage.... and she's not threatening to leave you over it, why not just continue as boyfriend and girlfriend for now? 

Ultimately, I'm more interested in couples staying happily together.

It's been five years.  I guess I don't want to bully my partner into a situation she ends up resenting me for.  Sure, I could continue to deny her marriage until she gets fed up and leaves me, but how much more time and energy does that burn through?  

Plus I suppose I'm trying to be clear in my head whether I'm against marriage, period or against marriage to her.
I agree with you though.  The health of the couple's relationship should be more important than the labels placed upon it.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, neowulf said:

 I'm trying to figure out why I don't want to marry her. 
Am I against marrying completely, or is my issue with marrying her? These are the questions I'm struggling with.

Do you love her or is this a relationship of convenience where you just coast along and share expenses?

The best way to answer technical questions is to do some research about common law and marital law in your jurisdiction.

However your struggle seems to be in your heart. It's simple. Stay if she accepts just living together.

Go if there's an ultimatum or a deadline about becoming common law coming up that terrifies you.

[FMW]

I don't understand contemplating leaving her because YOU think you know better about what she wants than she does.  She's chosen to stay with you, she's not trying to convince you to change your mind, right?

I think you are probably right that your struggle is about your feelings for her, not just about marrying in general.  After five years you should be clear and see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, even if it is without marriage. 

I would focus on that, not on whether marriage as an institution makes sense.    

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, neowulf said:

Dismissing social expectations is easier for some than others.

I believe this is true and that MANY people actually struggle quite a bit with this, at least during certain periods of their adult life as they come to grips with "who they are" vs. societal expectations.

 

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 Grownups marry because they want to, not because of societal expectations. People trying to be grownups marry because of social expectations.

I think I respectfully disagree, in the sense that I don't think you can fully disentangle "wanting to" from societal expectations. I believe many fully adult folks (chronologically at least) "want" to marry because of ingrained expectations.

I think a lot of folks have inner conflicts and "want" to marry because "it's time to settle down," being single makes them feel like something is somehow wrong with them, etc. I think another reason for "wanting" a marriage is because they want a biological family and "believe" that should happen within a marriage structure, although that's certainly not strictly necessary.

It doesn't mean they're "trying to be" grownups. It means that their view of what "being a grownup" is has been absorbed from their surrounding culture. While that's completely normal, it also leads to these inner tensions for plenty of folks.

Just my two cents on this. Ultimately whatever path one takes in life there will be an "unlived life" where you made different choices. I think it's ultimately healthy to come to accept the choices you make and whatever that unlived life was, since you normally can't have both.

[neowulf]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

I don't understand contemplating leaving her because YOU think you know better about what she wants than she does.  She's chosen to stay with you, she's not trying to convince you to change your mind, right?

I dated a woman once where our relationship had a critical flaw.  She loved me and was determined to simply ignore the problem, while I knew deep down the problem was going to wreck the relationship in the long run.

I cared deeply for her, but knew deep down that we wouldn’t survive our incompatibility in the long run, so I ended it.

Some people put their head in the sand and ignore the unresolvable problems within their relationships.  This is something I try very hard to avoid doing.  

However I’m self aware enough to consider that this in itself may be a defence mechanism, born out of some deeper fear of commitment.

It’s deeply all frustrating.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

@mark clemson I agree with you. Social expectations around marriage are powerful. Really powerful, and I admit: I succumbed to them in marrying my ex. 

But my point is that if you talked to people who married out of ambivalence ... real ambivalence ... If you speak to people who talked themselves into getting married, people who blamed their hesitations on not being mature or on having standards that were too high, you'd get a strong consensus that you don't want to marry if you are deeply ambivalent and reluctant to marry.

Those social expectations don't help resolve conflicts after you are married. Those social expectations don't make you LIKE the person more after marriage than before marriage. Those social expectations don't make your partner, now legal spouse, more attractive to you or you to them. Those social expectations don't make a couple more compatible. In fact, as soon as you get married, you acquire a new set of social expectations. We're married. Things should be good! We're married. We should be enjoying each other and the relationship. And then a bunch of other expectations descend down on the couple. 

So you're right: my language was too strong. I guess I was judging myself there. I wish I had had the clarity to avoid getting married to someone I was profoundly ambivalent about marrying. I do think there are people out there who understand that you talk yourself into marriage. Really if would be great if more people--like the OP and like me--understood that hesitation to marry is usually a sign that there is a problem. Another piece of wisdom is that you don't get married to do favors for someone else or out of fear of disappointing someone else. 

[pepperbird2]

Is it marriage itself that's the issue for you, or is it making a lifelong commitment to her?

If you want to make a lifelong commitment, it's still possible to do so without needing a formal marriage contract. You could still have a lovely and meaningful commitment ceremony, if that is what you want, without needing it to be full on marriage.

[Lotsgoingon]

The OP sounds like he could just hang with lifelong commitment, though he doesn't sound particularly happy. The problem is he thinks his gf is going to want more. 

The issue, I think, is the same either way: I don't think the OP likes his gf enough to have a lifelong commitment or to marry. 

[Ruby Slippers]

What really stands out to me is that you haven't said a word about the quality of the relationship. You've only focused on your negative ideas about marriage, your guilt about not wanting to marry her, your dread at the idea of this relationship having a shelf life because you don't want to marry her. 

I don't get the tiniest impression from anything you've written here that you really love her or value the relationship. It sounds like an anchor around your neck - a comfortable anchor that you've grown accustomed to, but still, an anchor. 

Some men just don't want to get married, or don't have the drive to seek out a woman they want to marry. And even though most women want to get married because it's the ultimate commitment, the ultimate queen's treatment, some will settle for much less. I personally would have zero interest in having an eternal boyfriend and would have moved on in a case like yours years ago. But many women, especially older women, would rather have a forever boyfriend than be single or keep looking for husband material. 

If your girlfriend has communicated that she's willing to give up her hope for marriage and settle being your girlfriend forever, I guess you have to trust that she's willing to make that compromise. Could she meet someone else who's more smitten with her and leave you someday? Of course. There are no guarantees.

Now, if you still want the whole enchilada - meaning, a woman you adore enough to marry and have babies with - I think you owe it to yourself and your girlfriend not to keep her in a holding pattern, to end this and move on to seek what you really want. 

Intuition is powerful. Though you seem to be kind of wallowing around in your uncertainty, I think deep down you know what you REALLY want. And you should do that, whatever it is.