dannilynn Posted February 17, 2021 Share Posted February 17, 2021 My husband seems to communicate well with his coworkers, family, friends, etc. But with me, something is not right. We have been together 25 years. With me- I am not sure if he's just not paying attention to how he is acting, or he just doesn't respect me or care. Here are a couple of examples that just happened in the last few days: Usually, he's either really giddy and quick witted OR he is extremely quiet/withdrawn. So two nights ago, I noticed he was not his normal talkative self We watch tv every night for about an hour or so before he goes to bed. He didn't have a lot to say. So, he went to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed. He was brushing his teeth. I came into the room to change clothes and politely asked "Is everything ok- you seem a little quiet tonight". First, he acted like he didn't hear me and I had to repeat it (he's been doing this a lot lately- making me repeat my questions). So I asked again. He said "what do you mean?" I said not a big deal- just was checking on you to see if everything is ok. He said "Why are you doing this? Why are you asking me that? What have I done to make you think its not ok?" I replied that he was just a little quiet and I was just checking on him. He said (in a rude tone) "I hate it when you do that!" I was shocked. (In the past when I've sensed him being quiet/sullen/withdrawn, I would jump the gun and accuse him of having a problem. He never liked that. He always said I should just ask him....so that's what I did (he seems to not ever be pleased). He started yelling at me and being very rude. He then turned to me and said "I'm going to have to ask you to work on that. I need you to stop asking me that and assuming something's wrong. I'm going to have to ask you to work on this. (WHO DOES THIS? I AM APPALLED I CAN'T ASK MY HUSBAND A QUESTION WITHOUT A BLOWUP). I sternly told him I would NEVER be afraid to ask him if he is ok and I would be sure to do it again if needed. I also told him he's never to threaten our relationship by my simply asking a question. He's either in or he's out. Next, we are getting ready to eat dinner. I plate all of the food for me and him. I ask him when he will be ready to eat (and told him I'm getting hungry and would like to eat in 5 min). He agreed. I heat up my food in the microwave (as he is taking longer than 5 min because he takes a phone call at that time. I politely go sit down and start eating. I am bored, so I turn on a new tv show to try out while I'm waiting on him to join me. He then gets off his phone call and does 2-3 more things for another 15-20 min before he decides to join me. He then asks me why I didn't wait on him to eat. I just told him I was hungry. He asked me what I'm watching (in a disappointed tone like he's upset I am watching tv and eating without him). By the way- he does the exact same thing to me ALL the time. If he decides he wants to eat, he sits down turns on the tv and starts without me. Whatever. Finally, we are sitting on the sofa watching tv after eating. We are watching a tv show where a teenager runs away from home. As we are watching, my husband turns to me and says "didn't you run away from home?". I replied- no I did not (he knows this). I told him that I was 18 and I left, got a job and started taking care of myself (my parents were divorced and both newly remarried and did not have time for me). My husband has been with me for 25 years. He knows my story. He knows that my Mother and I did not get along and we constantly fought. Between the time she divorced my Dad until she remarried (6 yrs), she was playing the field with many men and I was neglected. I fell in love with a boy in high school, and then my Mother wanted to shut my relationship down (then tried to pay helicopter Mom after I was finally happy- but it was too late). So I moved out when I was 18, went to college while working a 30 hr/week job and bought my first car myself. My husband absolutely KNOWS my story. I am proud of myself for being able to take care of myself and make myself have a happy life. I thought his comment was a DIG to me. Asking me "didn't you run away from home" founds crass and insensitive. Plus- it isn't even correct. Running away from home and stating your intentions that you will be moving out are 2 different things. My husband is just clueless and doesn't get me. He is constantly painting me with a brush that he WANTS to believe- not what I really am. He wants me to be the nagging bi*** that is hassling him with questions (when I just nicely ask him is he ok because I thought he was quiet). Why would that question elicit such a forceful response that I am crying and we don't speak for the rest of that night????? Why does he act like I'm doing something wrong by sitting down and eating (when he does this to me ALL OF THE TIME)? Finally- why would he say "you ran away from home"? Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 17, 2021 Share Posted February 17, 2021 I don't know for sure. But one of the possibilities is some kind of deterioration in his mental health. It wouldn't hurt to have him see a doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 17, 2021 Share Posted February 17, 2021 How old is he? Does he have any medical problems? Don't have doorway discussions. Especially loaded questions such as "is anything wrong?" When what you want to say is "why are you ingoring me and off in your own head?" The best thing you can do is talk to a therapist. Then after you have determined some things, ask your husband to join you in marriage therapy. You're caught in a very common cycle of dancing around real issues. Typical of this is the vague, open ended rhetorical questions that are yes or no . These rhetorical questions are a symptom of communication breakdown. Because you don't really want to talk and neither does he. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2021 Share Posted February 17, 2021 How old are the two of you? A 50 yr old can have very different issues from say a 70 yr old... Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 17, 2021 Share Posted February 17, 2021 7 hours ago, dannilynn said: My husband seems to communicate well with his coworkers, family, friends, etc. But with me, something is not right. We have been together 25 years. With me- I am not sure if he's just not paying attention to how he is acting, or he just doesn't respect me or care. Here are a couple of examples that just happened in the last few days: Usually, he's either really giddy and quick witted OR he is extremely quiet/withdrawn. So two nights ago, I noticed he was not his normal talkative self We watch tv every night for about an hour or so before he goes to bed. He didn't have a lot to say. So, he went to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed. He was brushing his teeth. I came into the room to change clothes and politely asked "Is everything ok- you seem a little quiet tonight". First, he acted like he didn't hear me and I had to repeat it (he's been doing this a lot lately- making me repeat my questions). So I asked again. He said "what do you mean?" I said not a big deal- just was checking on you to see if everything is ok. He said "Why are you doing this? Why are you asking me that? What have I done to make you think its not ok?" I replied that he was just a little quiet and I was just checking on him. He said (in a rude tone) "I hate it when you do that!" I was shocked. (In the past when I've sensed him being quiet/sullen/withdrawn, I would jump the gun and accuse him of having a problem. He never liked that. He always said I should just ask him....so that's what I did (he seems to not ever be pleased). He started yelling at me and being very rude. He then turned to me and said "I'm going to have to ask you to work on that. I need you to stop asking me that and assuming something's wrong. I'm going to have to ask you to work on this. (WHO DOES THIS? I AM APPALLED I CAN'T ASK MY HUSBAND A QUESTION WITHOUT A BLOWUP). I sternly told him I would NEVER be afraid to ask him if he is ok and I would be sure to do it again if needed. I also told him he's never to threaten our relationship by my simply asking a question. He's either in or he's out. It sounds as though you both have a lot of resentment for each other. I agree that his reaction to your question asking if he was ok was over the top, but so was your response to him (bolded). If anyone threatened the relationship, it was you (unless you've left out the part where he did so). Have you considered couples therapy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
World Peace Guy Posted February 17, 2021 Share Posted February 17, 2021 If he does it with everyone, than I would say probably a health/age/mental health issue, but if he only does it with you, then it sounds like guilt to me. Maybe he's done something he feels guilty about. This can make him look for bad in you, to try to justify himself in his own mind. I hope that is not the case, or if it is, that it is nothing serious, like maybe feeling guilty for forgetting your birthday or something silly. Link to post Share on other sites
SaraSays Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 Assume you've both contributed 50% to the breakdown of your marriage. That being the case, could you approach him kindly, asking how you 2 could be closer, and have a discussion to try to come up with some fresh ideas to introduce new life into your marriage? Do you have active hobbies you share, that get you both moving you bodies and working together like tennis? Do you have shared projects in the home you undertake like painting walls? How do you divide up the family's housework? Link to post Share on other sites
wifemomwhoami Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 Have you guys been locked down too much and getting on each other's nerves, maybe? It's also possible that there is something he is feeling resentful about but hasn't brought up. That can cause someone to become snappish, seemingly upset about little things even though those things aren't the real problem. He could be feeling a bit distant as well, and therefore being less respectful. The part about feeling left out when you were eating and watching a new show without him, makes me wonder about this. I'd talk to him. I'd also try being more affectionate. How's the sex life? If that is lacking, it could be one of the causes of him feeling distant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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