Acceptance stage but still reflecting on this.

[Spec1]

 It’s been 4 months since the break up, it was the first relationship where I knew in my soul she was the one for me. The one you grow old with! I’ve been married before and in other relationships. However, it was like they say where once you stop looking they will come out of no where... and it happened. 

all the details of our relationship and breakup are best for another thread unless you have questions... but yes for the first 2 years of the 3 we were best friends, we were a team and in love but we had our issues like any couple. Which we always did a good job of working them out, but things change. We’ve  talked and both agree why it ended ...  
 

 What’s still on my mind since the breakup? The thing I’m having trouble letting go in my head even though I’ve accepted the situation splitting for full face value... I’m not looking to be told what you think I want to hear or hear distorted responses thinking it will help me forget and completely move on. Mainly, The real truth of what caused her or people in general to do this.... here we go!

 I made the mistake at my weakest right after the break up that went to far and did something that in a million years never crossed my mind or normally would do...but also helped me internally make the decision to accept it and move on versus fighting to save it. I read her journal! 
 I got to read it front to back,  Which it started off about a month into our relationship. It also brought me joy and happiness! Bringing back all those feelings and memories, knowing this is how she truly felt which reassured me it was real in those moments. Then the slow negatives of our relationship started to become ink on the page... it hurt me to read those things but ok with it as we both knew what went wrong.... 

  As we near the last two pages it turns dark, it turns into something I wasn’t ready for but somewhat glad I did in a sick self sabotaging way. The last two pages were a clear line in the sand of our chapter ending and a new one starting with someone else. That someone else was in her life just a month before she decided to end it. That’s not actually what made the room dim or my internal fire for what we had slowly burn out in just seconds....

 what I read and what has stayed with me for the last 4 months since it ended is how she described this new man. It wasn’t her destroying me, it wasn’t words of how much better than me he was, it wasn’t comparing us both. It was how she described him, how she described how she was feeling towards him and towards their relationship. It was in the stage of when you first meet and the interest is there. It was her describing what about him she liked and why he’s interesting. From start to finish she described him exactly to a T how she always described me. Every word of it, from he’s different and their relationship was unorthodoxed, to how he made her internally feel was the exact same way she expressed me, and her feelings about us and me in the very beginning. Did I just want to remember like that? No, for the first month I kept all those letters and there it is in black n’ white. Every “unique” verbiage she wrote me was there at the end but someone that wasn’t me. 
 

 Why it’s still on my mind? I’m trying to process whether... she was describing me personally out of still loving me and he was just a rebound(they split a month ago)? was it she actually had no idea how to feel about him so wrote down what she wants him to make her feel.. as in how I did? Or was what she felt about me and seen in me just a copy and pasted expression she uses for all men? Knowing it’s something private and only for her is it still where she can’t be open and honest with herself and writes down only things to reinforce and convince herself that’s how she does while hiding the truth even from herself? Now I’m going way to deep and overthinking it but you get where I’m going with it. 

  Does it matter? Not in the sense of moving on, because It won’t kill me. However, part of me reflects on  was it all just lies how she felt about me, was the last 3 years all premeditated?  those exact things she told me and would put in letters.. that made me feel unique to her, special, as her other half and what made us as a couple different than any other relationship she had. The reasons why she fell so hard for me to the point we were talking marriage. Are copy/pasted so effortlessly for someone else that she barely knew and well only dated for 2 months.

mainly, I’m stuck of how I should take it, how or what path while moving on should I remember it. As this great experience and chapter that I learn from looking back, how it felt to finally meet someone so genuine and that truly loved me or take it as it wasn’t what it seemed and try to learn from it that way. Either way I’m trying to figure out how to interpret it so the same goal is achieved. I feel mentally at a cross roads with it, like reading a articles of news from two different sources your trying to learn real facts to grow but they’re each different in their own way but both so convincing. 
 

Yes, I’m putting waaay to much thought into this and over analyzing it, but it’s really the last piece in my mind I haven’t let go of and feel like getting a perspective from others will help. Thanks!

 

Edited February 17, 2021 by Spec1

[SMoore]

My opinion - it’s because the mechanism of falling in love is projection.  You project a profile onto someone and suddenly everything is perfect / unique / destiny etc.  You’ve never felt this way before... (only you have, you’ve just forgotten, or downplayed it).  Every time anyone falls in love it feels unique but is really utterly banal and ubiquitous.  That’s the trap of it.  It’s the stuff that happens after that transforms that spark of romantic love into something more authentic.

In other words, it is no surprise she feels the same way about two different people at two different times.  She was projecting then and she’s projecting now.

It was never perfect or magical, it just felt that way.  Now she’s having the same feelings because she’s projecting in the same way, which I guess happens a lot.  She has a preferred image she’s using as a filter to see this guy through.  It’s mostly in her head.  It’s normal and I doubt there’s much more to it than that.

[Spec1]

1 hour ago, SMoore said:

My opinion - it’s because the mechanism of falling in love is projection.  You project a profile onto someone and suddenly everything is perfect / unique / destiny etc.  You’ve never felt this way before... (only you have, you’ve just forgotten, or downplayed it).  Every time anyone falls in love it feels unique but is really utterly banal and ubiquitous.  That’s the trap of it.  It’s the stuff that happens after that transforms that spark of romantic love into something more authentic.

In other words, it is no surprise she feels the same way about two different people at two different times.  She was projecting then and she’s projecting now.

It was never perfect or magical, it just felt that way.  Now she’s having the same feelings because she’s projecting in the same way, which I guess happens a lot.  She has a preferred image she’s using as a filter to see this guy through.  It’s mostly in her head.  It’s normal and I doubt there’s much more to it than that.

 In other words, I’m probably just as guilty of this? As in, once I’m ready to date again, I’ll more than likely portray the exact same or similar things I did to get my ex in the start? Totally makes sense but I don’t know how to feel about it. As we spent 3 years together building a life and she just so easily projects the same image/script to someone else and they only made it 2 months. More so, these were her private thoughts... it wasn’t like anyone else necessarily would ever know how she’s thinking.... that’s why part of me feels or wants to believe it’s her internal mechanism trying to force herself to move on.

however, being emotionally in a place where I can see things a lot clearer and not so caught up in the moment. She does seem to live life in a constant cycle. She’s been married 3 times and they all lasted literally the same time frame as we did. We were always so open but I blew a lot off in the beginning. Every ex was at one point the love of their life and then she had a reason why she left(it was always something they/we did to cause it)... almost like she has a template for relationships, copy/paste and then fills in selected blanks with all of us ex’s and then “finds herself again” then the next comes along. 
 

 

Edited February 18, 2021 by Spec1