How do I disclose my felony conviction to this woman?

[Buckeyestrong45]

I am 30 years old and I will attend my favorite school for graduate school in the Fall.

Back in 2012, I was arrested and charged with a felony: Planning/Conspiring/Endeavoring to perform an act of violence and also a misdemeanor: Stalking.

 I had taken my car and drove 1000 miles and threatened a woman. I went to prison.

My lawyers during my sentencing tried to convince the judge that I have high functioning autism.

A few days ago, I met this amazing woman who is a Criminal Defense Attorney in the county that my favorite school is located.

The conversation lasted for 20 minutes and it went well. I did not disclose my felony conviction to her.

I am from a different Background and culture.

Yesterday, she accepted my follow request to her Private Instagram Account.

 I went to [a website for Lawyers] and asked if she would lose her license if she dates a felon or is friends with a convicted felon and they said no. They stated that lawyers are allowed to date or marry felons.

 I have a couple of questions:

1) The next time that I see her, do I bring up both my felony conviction and autism diagnosis?

2) How do I explain all of this to her without freaking her out?

Edited February 17, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove reference to other website

[basil67]

Wait....slow down.  You're getting ahead of yourself.    You've met her, chatted for 20 minutes and are following her on Insta.  There's nothing here to suggest that she's interested in dating you.   You also don't mention whether or not she has a boyfriend or husband, so perhaps you don't know if she's single.   Now if you can manage to get her out on a date or two, then you will have to think about disclosing your background.   But at the moment, just focus on the here and now.

[Buckeyestrong45]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Wait....slow down.  You're getting ahead of yourself.    You've met her, chatted for 20 minutes and are following her on Insta.  There's nothing here to suggest that she's interested in dating you.   You also don't mention whether or not she has a boyfriend or husband, so perhaps you don't know if she's single.   Now if you can manage to get her out on a date or two, then you will have to think about disclosing your background.   But at the moment, just focus on the here and now.

She’s single. Looked on her Instagram and no husband or boyfriend.

[basil67]

She may have a partner who doesn't want to be on IG.  Did she tell you she's single?

And there's still the issue of whether or not she's even interested in you.   One step at a time.

[ShyViolet]

This is a woman who you just met a few days ago and had a 20-minute conversation with.  This is not someone who you are dating.  You have no idea if she would even be interested in you that way.  You are assuming way too much.

If she does start showing interest in dating you, then you need to disclose this.

What have you done to work on yourself since the crime happened?  Being capable of doing something like that is very, very serious and concerning.  Are you a changed person?  Are you rehabilitated?

[Buckeyestrong45]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This is a woman who you just met a few days ago and had a 20-minute conversation with.  This is not someone who you are dating.  You have no idea if she would even be interested in you that way.  You are assuming way too much.

If she does start showing interest in dating you, then you need to disclose this.

What have you done to work on yourself since the crime happened?  Being capable of doing something like that is very, very serious and concerning.  Are you a changed person?  Are you rehabilitated?

I’m about to attend my favorite school for graduate school. I’m rehabilitated.

[littleblackheart]

OP,

A few things:

1. Have you been officially diagnosed by people other than than lawyers who tried to use this as an excuse or an explanation for the crime you have committed? Like a team of medical professionals? These lawyers should be sued for discrimination.

2. How long were you a felon for?

3. A 20mins chat and private social media adding means nothing.

4. She probably has seen it all before and likely wouldn't freak out.

5. Has she any reasons to fear for her safety?

6. She might not be single. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

She’s single. Looked on her Instagram and no husband or boyfriend.

That means nothing. 

I've been with my partner for 6 years, and for security reasons related to his job, he does not have a social media presence. You wouldn't know from glancing at my FB that I've been happily committed for the past few years. There are plenty others out there like him, who don't want to be on social media for any number of legitimate reasons. It also doesn't mean she isn't currently dating someone with whom she's not "Insta-official" yet, since some folks place importance on these things.  

You are getting way ahead of yourself. You spoke for 20 minutes - that is not anywhere near enough to time to determine anything meaningful about each other, nor delve into your personal criminal or medical history. Being so candid when you're practically strangers will turn her off, guaranteed. This is especially true if she works in the criminal justice field. She is probably going to be much more wary about people who come out of nowhere with things like this. Slow down. 

How did you meet this woman?

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

Planning/Conspiring/Endeavoring to perform an act of violence and also a misdemeanor: Stalking.

 I had taken my car and drove 1000 miles and threatened a woman. I went to prison.

2 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

4. She probably has seen it all before and likely wouldn't freak out.

Maybe, but this is serious stuff and would freak out any woman.. surely?
No woman wants to lay her self open to a potentially violent stalker...

[littleblackheart]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe, but this is serious stuff and would freak out any woman.. surely?

She's a Criminal Justice Attorney. She'll have sent people to prison herself for similar or worse, so in that sense she'll have seen it all before.  That makes her (speculating, I don't know) well placed to know how to handle the news or know what to say or do.

She will also (again speculating, I don't know) be better equipped at understanding OP's journey to rehabilitation. Quite clearly, he's managed to turn his life around - a credit to him, under the circumstances. He'll also being very open and honest about his past, which is also commendable.

Other than that, let's wait on the OP to get back and give us more context. He should totally slow down, for sure. Still, she invited him into her private personal space, so he must have made some sort of impression. 

[elaine567]

Just because she has seen it all before does not mean she will be happy getting involved with a potentially violent stalker.
Sending people to prison is far removed from having a convicted felon sharing your life...
She will also be very aware of those felons that never actually  manage to rehabilitate.

[Buckeyestrong45]

4 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

OP,

A few things:

1. Have you been officially diagnosed by people other than than lawyers who tried to use this as an excuse or an explanation for the crime you have committed? Like a team of medical professionals? These lawyers should be sued for discrimination.

2. How long were you a felon for?

3. A 20mins chat and private social media adding means nothing.

4. She probably has seen it all before and likely wouldn't freak out.

5. Has she any reasons to fear for her safety?

6. She might not be single. 

 

1) I was diagnosed by Psychologists and Psychiatrists before I ever got arrested.

2) I was charged in 2012 and was convicted in 2013. 
 

3) I have seen her Facebook account also and there is no “boyfriend” on there.

[Buckeyestrong45]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That means nothing. 

I've been with my partner for 6 years, and for security reasons related to his job, he does not have a social media presence. You wouldn't know from glancing at my FB that I've been happily committed for the past few years. There are plenty others out there like him, who don't want to be on social media for any number of legitimate reasons. It also doesn't mean she isn't currently dating someone with whom she's not "Insta-official" yet, since some folks place importance on these things.  

You are getting way ahead of yourself. You spoke for 20 minutes - that is not anywhere near enough to time to determine anything meaningful about each other, nor delve into your personal criminal or medical history. Being so candid when you're practically strangers will turn her off, guaranteed. This is especially true if she works in the criminal justice field. She is probably going to be much more wary about people who come out of nowhere with things like this. Slow down. 

How did you meet this woman?

I just checked her Facebook Account also and there is no photo of a “boyfriend.”

The only issue is that my criminal case is on the web. All she has to do is search my name and find it easy.

 I was walking in the city park and she was walking her dog, we were going opposite directions.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

I just checked her Facebook Account also and there is no photo of a “boyfriend.”

So? Please re-read what I wrote about some people not wanting to be on social media - in general. Not just on certain platforms, but all of them. 

She might indeed be single. But what I’m trying to help you understand is that social media profiles are not at all a reliable indicator of someone’s relationship status. The lack of photos of a boyfriend or husband online does not mean he doesn’t exist. You’re making assumptions based on almost zero knowledge of her. 

Proceed slowly. Don’t go full-confessional when you hardly know her. 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

1) The next time that I see her, do I bring up both my felony conviction and autism diagnosis?

2) How do I explain all of this to her without freaking her out?

You do not bring up either.  [redacted] 

You two are not close enough for you to have reveal all of your secrets.  You are more than a dumb thing you did almost a decade ago.  Do not lead with this info.  You don't have to hide it but you don't have to start there.  

Right now she's nothing to you. You are not dating.  She is somebody you "met: once for 20 minutes. You are focused on her.  She has probably forgotten all about you at this point.  The encounter did not have the same significance for her. 

If you start dating, a few dates in ask how she feels about reform & forgiveness in general.  Does she believe in 2nd chances?   She's a criminal defense attorney, not some babe in the woods who doesn't know how the world works.  At that point after you know her for a while & have been out with her a few time you can reveal your past but not before.   She will probably google you before she accepts any request for a date so odds are she will already know & you telling her will just be verification.  

[redacted] You come across as obsessed with a woman you don't really know which reads like the behaviors that landed you in jail last time.  Slow down! 

 

Congratulations on grad school, BTW.  Put your energies there.  

Edited February 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted to remove prejudiced statements

[understand50]

Too early to bring this up.

If this relationship goes somewhere, then yes, bring it up.  Let her know.  Having this in your past, could be a deal breaker, and she should know.  Just as we had a poster here ask if she should let her BF know about her PORN past, it is something that could effect the relationship going forward.  In general, you do not wont to blindside people with bad information.  It is always better to be the source of bad information about yourself, and have it come from yourself.  This applies in personal relationships, whether romantic, sexual, or business.   Do not get me started on secrets in a marriage.  She may be OK with your past, but she has the right to know.

At this point, you are jumping the gun, but maybe on the third date.  Make sure  yo had the dates first, not just meeting and conversations.

I wish you luck.......

 

 

[Buckeyestrong45]

38 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You do not bring up either.  [redacted] 

You two are not close enough for you to have reveal all of your secrets.  You are more than a dumb thing you did almost a decade ago.  Do not lead with this info.  You don't have to hide it but you don't have to start there.  

Right now she's nothing to you. You are not dating.  She is somebody you "met: once for 20 minutes. You are focused on her.  She has probably forgotten all about you at this point.  The encounter did not have the same significance for her. 

If you start dating, a few dates in ask how she feels about reform & forgiveness in general.  Does she believe in 2nd chances?   She's a criminal defense attorney, not some babe in the woods who doesn't know how the world works.  At that point after you know her for a while & have been out with her a few time you can reveal your past but not before.   She will probably google you before she accepts any request for a date so odds are she will already know & you telling her will just be verification.  

[redacted] You come across as obsessed with a woman you don't really know which reads like the behaviors that landed you in jail last time.  Slow down! 

 

Congratulations on grad school, BTW.  Put your energies there.  

I will put both my energy into Graduate School and the woman.

It is my favorite school. She earned her Law Degree from that school.

My program has no issue.

[deepthinking]

 

You have the right to start a new chapter without feeling bad about the past.  You went to jail, you paid for the past.

Edited February 14, 2021 by deepthinking

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, you're jumping far too much ahead, as others have said.

So, you're doing a smart thing by coming here, because you have need some work on your social skills. You don't have to tell her anything. A 20-minute conversation doesn't mean much. It might mean something, but that's later down the road before you can figure that out.

Just interact with her as you want.  

I have lots of friends and family members who have had various addictions, and at some point, they have to tell their new partner about their addictions. Just to give you a sense of things. They would wait until after they've gone out with the person multiple times and wait until it's clear the other person is interested in them. Then at that point, they would share their history with addiction. 

What you need to do in the meantime is tell a story that works for you. Don't blame it all on the autism. That doesn't work and sounds like excuse-making. Blame it on youthful immaturity, stupidity, recklessness, lack of purpose, bad judgment and on and on. You show you are rehabilitated by being utterly self-critical of your past and owning it--fully!

And you celebrate who you've become, how you've developed and grown since the crime. Sounds like you need a mentor, an older man or woman who has been in prison perhaps and who has practice at sharing their story with new people they meet. Or really the mentor doesn't have to have gone to prison. It just needs to be someone who is wise and sharp, someone you trust and look to for guidance. Anyone in your life like that?

One thing you've got to break is isolation. Isolation leads to self-doubt and lots of fear. A good short-term goal with you is to begin to develop a network of friends, people you like and trust, that you tell your story to. This woman could be that, for all you know. In fact, might be better at some point if this woman just became a mentor and not a love partner. So slow down ... find some friends and mentors. And that way, you'll be able to tap a lot of knowledge, skill and support as you move forward.

[lana-banana]

7 hours ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

I will put both my energy into Graduate School and the woman.

Nooooooo no no no. Slow down. Do not put your energy into her before you have any idea whether she's romantically interested, at all. I would strongly recommend at least 5-6 more conversations with her before you ask her out. If she accepts your date request, then and only then should you start planning how to disclose your past. But it may never come up.

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

I have a couple of questions:

1) The next time that I see her, do I bring up both my felony conviction and autism diagnosis?

2) How do I explain all of this to her without freaking her out?

Hey Buckeye, just catching up here.  You said you got released from prison in 2017, how did you disclose this information to girlfriends you've had since your release 4 years ago?  Unless she's the first woman you've taken an interest in since your release, is that the case?  Four years and she's the first woman you've taken an interest in dating?  No judgment, just asking.  If not, just disclose the info the same way you did with other women you have dated since your release.

In any event, there are two ways of looking at this:

1.  She might admire that you were able to turn your life around and get accepted to what appears to be a reputable university for grad school and that you have a bright, aspiring future ahead of you.  That's a big plus in your favor.  That is probably how I would view it; ironically I am planning on becoming a criminal defense attorney, I am starting law school in the fall.  I admire people who despite the odds, are able to improve themselves and turn their lives around.

OR

2. She might rigidly view it as once a bad seed, always a bad seed and view it as dealbreaker.

Given that she's a criminal defense lawyer, I would venture to guess it's number 1.  That she's open minded about such things, otherwise she would not be doing what she's doing -- defending those who are either guilty of committing a crime or those who have been wrongly accused.

What it all depends on really is if she's attracted to you, and feels a connection after you speak with her a few more times and then meet her.

If the mutual attraction is there, and you've disclosed your true given name to her, she's probably googled you already and knows, so I wouldn't worry about it.

 

 

Edited February 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey Buckeye, just catching up here.  You said you got released from prison in 2017, how did you disclose this information to girlfriends you've had since your release 4 years ago?  Unless she's the first woman you've taken an interest in since your release, is that the case?  Four years and she's the first woman you've taken an interest in dating?  No judgment, just asking.  If not, just disclose the info the same way you did with other women you have dated since your release.

In any event, there are two ways of looking at this:

1.  She might admire that you were able to turn your life around and get accepted to what appears to be a reputable university for grad school and that you have a bright, aspiring future ahead of you.  That's a big plus in your favor.  That is probably how I would view it; ironically I am planning on becoming a criminal defense attorney, I am starting law school in the fall.  I admire people who despite the odds, are able to improve themselves and turn their lives around.

OR

2. She might rigidly view it as once a bad seed, always a bad seed and view it as dealbreaker.

Given that she's a criminal defense lawyer, I would venture to guess it's number 1.  That she's open minded about such things, otherwise she would not be doing what she's doing -- defending those who are either guilty of committing a crime or those who have been wrongly accused.

What it all depends on really is if she's attracted to you, and feels a connection after you speak with her a few more times and then meet her.

If the mutual attraction is there, and you've disclosed your true given name to her, she's probably googled you already and knows, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Buckeye, I just read back through your posts and I could have sworn I read you were released in 2017, but I did not see that upon second read. So you can skip the first part of my post, given we don't know when you were released or if you've done any dating since then.

The second part discussing the two possible scenarios still stands.

Best of luck and congrats on getting accepted to your favorite uni!  

 

Edited February 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[Buckeyestrong45]

I am the 30 year old who is about to attend his favorite school for graduate school in the Fall.

I stated on a previous post that I am a convicted felon with the felony charge: Planning/Conspiring/Endeavoring to perform an act of violence.

I was also charged with misdemeanor Stalking.

I stated previously that I went to prison in 2013 and went back to prison in 2016 for probation violation and was released for good in May 2017.

I stated that last Saturday, I met this woman at the park who was walking her dog and she is a Criminal Defense Attorney in my city.

 I stated that she accepted my follow request to her Private Instagram Account.

I also stated that I went to a website for lawyers and asked if she would lose her job is she dates/associates with a felon and they said no.

 I went back to earn my undergraduate degree just to attend my favorite school for graduate school. I worked my rear end off to accomplish this.

I scored 337/340 on my GRE even though GRE wasn’t required for the program at my favorite school for graduate school.

Here are a few things that I have decided on:

1) I run into her a couple more times and ask her to coffee and if she states no, I’ll leave it at that and drop out of my favorite school.

2) I run into her a couple more times and ask her to coffee and if she accepts it, in a public setting, I disclose my felony conviction to her and if she tells me that she can’t associate with me, I’ll leave it at that and drop out of my favorite school.

3) I run into her a couple more times and ask her to coffee and if she accepts it, in a public setting, I disclose my felony conviction to her and if she tells me that she won’t judge me based off something that happened in 2012, this means that I got lucky and won’t drop out of my favorite school and continue to play everything into place.

This is what I have decided on.

What do you think?

I won’t be paying for my favorite school in graduate school, my family is.

[GorillaTheater]

10 minutes ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

 

What do you think?

 

I think it's nuts to hinge whether you attend grad school, at your favorite university no less, on whether this person (who doesn't even have an obvious connection to this school) is receptive to you.

I'm no shrink, but it strikes me as a bit obsessive, and I wonder if it's generally the same sort of thinking that got you in trouble in the first place, minus the violent acting out. I know this gets mentioned all the damn time around here, but I think therapy would be a very wise choice for you. It would be pretty helpful for you to get some pro assistance at reevaluating some of your thinking.

[Buckeyestrong45]

4 minutes ago, GorillaTheater said:

I think it's nuts to hinge whether you attend grad school, at your favorite university no less, on whether this person (who doesn't even have an obvious connection to this school) is receptive to you.

I'm no shrink, but it strikes me as a bit obsessive, and I wonder if it's generally the same sort of thinking that got you in trouble in the first place, minus the violent acting out. I know this gets mentioned all the damn time around here, but I think therapy would be a very wise choice for you. It would be pretty helpful for you to get some pro assistance at reevaluating some of your thinking.

This woman earned her Law Degree from my favorite school.