How do I disclose my felony conviction to this woman?

[d0nnivain]

@normal person

The OP "met" this woman through some platform where people can ask criminal defense attorneys questions.  She knows full well he has history.  

Whether the OP dates her or any other woman the correct approach is never "Hi I'm Buckeyesstrong45  I have a felony record for stalking.  Wanna go out with me?"  Instead I'm proposing something more temperate.  The couple goes on one date & gets to know each other.  Anybody with any common sense in this modern world will google a new person so the info will be out there.  After 2-3 dates which should happen within a 2-3 week period, during an in person conversation, the EX-con "confesses" along the lines of "Hey I'm really enjoying getting to know you better but in the interest of full disclosure you need to know that I have a record.  When I was young & dumb I made some bad choices which sent me to jail.  I've been out & on the straight & narrow for ___ years / months now.  I just didn't want you to hear that from somebody else."   I'm not talking about stringing somebody along.  

[Buckeyestrong45]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

@normal person

The OP "met" this woman through some platform where people can ask criminal defense attorneys questions.  She knows full well he has history.  

Whether the OP dates her or any other woman the correct approach is never "Hi I'm Buckeyesstrong45  I have a felony record for stalking.  Wanna go out with me?"  Instead I'm proposing something more temperate.  The couple goes on one date & gets to know each other.  Anybody with any common sense in this modern world will google a new person so the info will be out there.  After 2-3 dates which should happen within a 2-3 week period, during an in person conversation, the EX-con "confesses" along the lines of "Hey I'm really enjoying getting to know you better but in the interest of full disclosure you need to know that I have a record.  When I was young & dumb I made some bad choices which sent me to jail.  I've been out & on the straight & narrow for ___ years / months now.  I just didn't want you to hear that from somebody else."   I'm not talking about stringing somebody along.  

I met this woman in person. Read this original post.

I requested her on Instagram.

I went to the website for lawyers and asked if lawyers can date felons.

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

I met this woman in person. Read this original post.

I requested her on Instagram.

I went to the website for lawyers and asked if lawyers can date felons.

Even if I got the details wrong, my advice still stands.  You don't announce your prior conviction or your diagnosis.  You go on 1-2 dates & then you tell her.  

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The OP "met" this woman through some platform where people can ask criminal defense attorneys questions.  She knows full well he has history. 

NO, that is not true.

On 2/14/2021 at 12:32 PM, Buckeyestrong45 said:

I was walking in the city park and she was walking her dog, we were going opposite directions.

Unless this woman has googled him, then how would she know this "law student" is actually a felon.
I guess there are not many convicted felons in most law courses.
I am not really a big advocate of withholding important information  until a few dates in, it seems disingenuous and an attempt to manipulate the situation.
Many get somewhat attached even in just  a few dates, and may then accept something they never would have, had they known the full story day one. 
Women especially can thus become trapped in a situation they are not happy with. due to not wishing to disappoint or to be seen as judgemental once the truth is revealed.. She will eventually bail, so a lot of hassle could be avoided by being upfront day one...

[Buckeyestrong45]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

NO, that is not true.

Unless this woman has googled him, then how would she know this "law student" is actually a felon.
I guess there are not many convicted felons in most law courses.
I am not really a big advocate of withholding important information  until a few dates in, it seems disingenuous and an attempt to manipulate the situation.
Many get somewhat attached even in just  a few dates, and may then accept something they never would have, had they known the full story day one. 
Women especially can thus become trapped in a situation they are not happy with. due to not wishing to disappoint or to be seen as judgemental once the truth is revealed.. She will eventually bail, so a lot of hassle could be avoided by being upfront day one...

I’m not a law student.

I got accepted into graduate school on a different program.

Read the original post.

[poppyfields]

Buckeye, if you manage to get a date with this woman, you might as well tell her immediately.

Assuming she knows your true name, she will most likely google it and find out anyway so best to hear it from you versus reading on the internet.

[normal person]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Even if I got the details wrong, my advice still stands.  You don't announce your prior conviction or your diagnosis.  You go on 1-2 dates & then you tell her.  

She just spoke to him. She let him follow her instagram. That's what he's running with. This is why Bumble was invented. Odds are she can tell he's autistic after talking to him for 2 minutes. Here are major symptoms of autism:  difficulty with communication, difficulty with social interactions, obsessive interests. Read through below and see if you think any of that might apply to OP. My brother has autism, I've done a lot of reading about it, and I am very familiar with these sorts of situations so allow me to give my read on it for anyone who might be a bit in the dark as to what might be happening here. I've seen this a lot, I've read similar stories many times. Correct me if I'm wrong, OP. Everyone else feel free to tell me what an idiot I am.

My assumption is this: Sometime in the past, OP misread a social cue regarding a situation with a woman. My guess is he liked her, and wrongly assumed she also liked him and/or was incapable of understanding that she didn't like him, even though she may have been polite to him as she would have with anyone. He eventually got some actual clarity on the situation and felt wronged, disrespected, and/or misunderstood, however valid or not. Then he decided to drive 1000 miles to threaten the woman and went to jail for it. His decision making and judgment are affected by his autism to the point where it can be used as a legal defense. Even the law recognizes that his judgment and decision making are far enough from neurotypical that he should be at least partially absolved of criminality. Keep that in mind. He goes to jail and repays his debt to society, cool. Fast forward to the present day. A woman speaks to him politely. That's it. She speaks to him. That's all we've gotten so far. No "my friend thinks you're cute," no "so what're you doing this weekend?" no swipe right. None of that that we know of. Absolutely nothing. They spoke, he mistook her willingness to speak to him politely as romantic intent or willingness to date him, he became infatuated with her, he went home and followed her on instagram and went searching online to see if she would lose her license if they dated. No one but me thinks this is getting creepy and OP is getting ahead of himself by a mile? Is anyone but me seeing a pattern, or reading between the lines here? Is anyone else hoping to God that history isn't going to repeat itself? Now he's asking how to disclose his conviction and autism to her, all without even fathoming the very real and likely possibility that she has no romantic interest in him whatsoever. His judgment is such that if this woman won't associate with him, he'll waste his parents money and quit the school he loves. If these are the sorts of decisions he makes and conclusions he comes to, is anyone else in this thread at all considered about what else he might misunderstand/think/do? Does any of this sound at all sensible? Because I find it unconscionable that people are reading this and still encouraging him to and advising him how to pursue this woman without:

- Learning the basics of socialization from a program for people with autism
- Asking him the circumstances of the situation surrounding his conviction, why he did it, what he thought he was going to accomplish, what, if anything, he learned, if he's made any actionable attempts at reform, in order to learn more about him and his thought processes, how he might do things differently next time, etc
- Advising him to consider that he may have misread the situation and that the woman may not be interested in him
- Asking him why he thinks it's a good idea to quit school and waste his parents' money if a woman doesn't like him, ask him why he would feel no remorse about wasting money caring people gave to him to better his life (I can't believe I actually had to type that), wonder what other strange judgments or decisions he may be likely to make, ask him why he thinks this emotional callousness does not permeate into other areas of his life, and if it does, why does he then think it's ok to bring another person into it,
- Considering that his judgment and rationale may lead him to make his life and someone else's life uncomfortable or worse
- Asking him that if he can conceptualize that his judgment is so off base that it can be used as a legal defense, can he then assume it's similarly off base in this scenario, and if so, why continue on this path?

So from my assumption, that's roughly how OP ended up here (I could be wildly wrong but feel free to correct me or posit some other scenario), and instead of considering all those things, we're encouraging him to go engage with a woman further. I don't understand. I'm sorry but based on what I've read from this thread, OP has some real work to do and things to consider before he gets ahead of himself with this woman. His judgment is very clearly misguided. I don't think it's right, safe, moral, or ethical to put either one of them in this situation at this point. Even the law recognizes his decision making abilities are misplaced and potentially dangerous, and we're here telling him to get involved with another woman. Why? What did this poor woman do to be put in this situation? 

If everyone here wants to call me stupid and crazy, and continue to encourage him,  fine. Don't say I didn't warn you. Here are a few scenarios of how I think this could play out:

1). OP will try to engage with the woman, to whom it is or will be obvious that he's autistic, he'll ask her out, she'll find the least objectionable way of turning him down (I have 99% confidence in this), hopefully OP will understand what she means, then OP will quit school for some reason no one can quite understand. Hopefully he doesn't fall down the obsessive/vindictive path that lead to his prior conviction. 

2). OP somehow manages to pique the curiosity of the woman and she agrees to go out with him. He discloses his prior conviction on date 3. She's likely abhorred, fears for her safety, and wants to avoid him forever (99% confidence in this reaction should it reach this point) and is horrified that he didn't tell her sooner. She may try to hedge the situation for her own safety with something like "you're a great guy, let's just be friends," which OP might take seriously and then become vindictive when it becomes obvious that she doesn't actually want to be friends. Or, yeah, maybe she'll just overlook the stalking and threatening conviction and things will be cool.

Ok, now everyone tell me why I'm wrong. 

[LynneVicious]

Buckeye, first congratulations on your rehabilitation and acceptance into your favorite graduate school!

I think what is concerning everyone is why would you drop out of said favorite school just because she won’t go out with you, for whatever reason?

Is that the only reason why you would not go to this graduate school? Or are there other reasons? Is it because she went to this school?
 

It just seems very odd that you will go to your favorite school, that you worked so very hard at and then not go just because a random woman you met won’t go on a date with you if it even gets to that point?

Here is a question: if you met another random woman who is let’s say a teacher, and never even heard of your graduate school, would you still drop out if she declined your date invitation?

Also, have you ever been in a relationship before?

Again, congrats on all the hard work into your schooling!

[Buckeyestrong45]

9 minutes ago, normal person said:

She just spoke to him. She let him follow her instagram. That's what he's running with. This is why Bumble was invented. Odds are she can tell he's autistic after talking to him for 2 minutes. Here are major symptoms of autism:  difficulty with communication, difficulty with social interactions, obsessive interests. Read through below and see if you think any of that might apply to OP. My brother has autism, I've done a lot of reading about it, and I am very familiar with these sorts of situations so allow me to give my read on it for anyone who might be a bit in the dark as to what might be happening here. I've seen this a lot, I've read similar stories many times. Correct me if I'm wrong, OP. Everyone else feel free to tell me what an idiot I am.

My assumption is this: Sometime in the past, OP misread a social cue regarding a situation with a woman. My guess is he liked her, and wrongly assumed she also liked him and/or was incapable of understanding that she didn't like him, even though she may have been polite to him as she would have with anyone. He eventually got some actual clarity on the situation and felt wronged, disrespected, and/or misunderstood, however valid or not. Then he decided to drive 1000 miles to threaten the woman and went to jail for it. His decision making and judgment are affected by his autism to the point where it can be used as a legal defense. Even the law recognizes that his judgment and decision making are far enough from neurotypical that he should be at least partially absolved of criminality. Keep that in mind. He goes to jail and repays his debt to society, cool. Fast forward to the present day. A woman speaks to him politely. That's it. She speaks to him. That's all we've gotten so far. No "my friend thinks you're cute," no "so what're you doing this weekend?" no swipe right. None of that that we know of. Absolutely nothing. They spoke, he mistook her willingness to speak to him politely as romantic intent or willingness to date him, he became infatuated with her, he went home and followed her on instagram and went searching online to see if she would lose her license if they dated. No one but me thinks this is getting creepy and OP is getting ahead of himself by a mile? Is anyone but me seeing a pattern, or reading between the lines here? Is anyone else hoping to God that history isn't going to repeat itself? Now he's asking how to disclose his conviction and autism to her, all without even fathoming the very real and likely possibility that she has no romantic interest in him whatsoever. His judgment is such that if this woman won't associate with him, he'll waste his parents money and quit the school he loves. If these are the sorts of decisions he makes and conclusions he comes to, is anyone else in this thread at all considered about what else he might misunderstand/think/do? Does any of this sound at all sensible? Because I find it unconscionable that people are reading this and still encouraging him to and advising him how to pursue this woman without:

- Learning the basics of socialization from a program for people with autism
- Asking him the circumstances of the situation surrounding his conviction, why he did it, what he thought he was going to accomplish, what, if anything, he learned, if he's made any actionable attempts at reform, in order to learn more about him and his thought processes, how he might do things differently next time, etc
- Advising him to consider that he may have misread the situation and that the woman may not be interested in him
- Asking him why he thinks it's a good idea to quit school and waste his parents' money if a woman doesn't like him, ask him why he would feel no remorse about wasting money caring people gave to him to better his life (I can't believe I actually had to type that), wonder what other strange judgments or decisions he may be likely to make, ask him why he thinks this emotional callousness does not permeate into other areas of his life, and if it does, why does he then think it's ok to bring another person into it,
- Considering that his judgment and rationale may lead him to make his life and someone else's life uncomfortable or worse
- Asking him that if he can conceptualize that his judgment is so off base that it can be used as a legal defense, can he then assume it's similarly off base in this scenario, and if so, why continue on this path?

So from my assumption, that's roughly how OP ended up here (I could be wildly wrong but feel free to correct me or posit some other scenario), and instead of considering all those things, we're encouraging him to go engage with a woman further. I don't understand. I'm sorry but based on what I've read from this thread, OP has some real work to do and things to consider before he gets ahead of himself with this woman. His judgment is very clearly misguided. I don't think it's right, safe, moral, or ethical to put either one of them in this situation at this point. Even the law recognizes his decision making abilities are misplaced and potentially dangerous, and we're here telling him to get involved with another woman. Why? What did this poor woman do to be put in this situation? 

If everyone here wants to call me stupid and crazy, and continue to encourage him,  fine. Don't say I didn't warn you. Here are a few scenarios of how I think this could play out:

1). OP will try to engage with the woman, to whom it is or will be obvious that he's autistic, he'll ask her out, she'll find the least objectionable way of turning him down (I have 99% confidence in this), hopefully OP will understand what she means, then OP will quit school for some reason no one can quite understand. Hopefully he doesn't fall down the obsessive/vindictive path that lead to his prior conviction. 

2). OP somehow manages to pique the curiosity of the woman and she agrees to go out with him. He discloses his prior conviction on date 3. She's likely abhorred, fears for her safety, and wants to avoid him forever (99% confidence in this reaction should it reach this point) and is horrified that he didn't tell her sooner. She may try to hedge the situation for her own safety with something like "you're a great guy, let's just be friends," which OP might take seriously and then become vindictive when it becomes obvious that she doesn't actually want to be friends. Or, yeah, maybe she'll just overlook the stalking and threatening conviction and things will be cool.

Ok, now everyone tell me why I'm wrong. 

I didn’t threaten that woman because of romantic feelings or rejection. It was for something else.

Might want to check your facts before putting it out there.

 

[normal person]

6 minutes ago, Buckeyestrong45 said:

I didn’t threaten that woman because of romantic feelings or rejection. It was for something else.

Might want to check your facts before putting it out there.

Yeah, well I asked what the facts were and you conveniently dodged the question. 'Might want to answer the questions people asked before getting mad that they made assumptions about questions you refused to answer. Here's your chance to explain.

Edited February 23, 2021 by normal person

[Elissa]

Hi all,

This thread has been locked pending review. Thank you for your patience.