Don't know if this is abuse, but.

[Syd8]

I'm 46 years old and recently have had a lot of feelings about what I endured as a child and teenager.

I wasn't abused by my family or anything like that. This was all in grade school and high school, so I'm not sure it counts as abuse or just bullying, but these years were hell for me.

And I've been thinking about things that happened more and more these days.

In all my years of school  I don't think there was a single day where I didn't experience some form of abuse. I know every day I would be made fun of because of my weight and looks. Every day being picked on, shoved down and stuff like that.

High school was worse. The comments continued and the physical stuff got worse. Even my cousin and his group of friends would abuse me.

One incident I remember was when I was bending over to tie my shoe at the lockers and one kid I grew up with in grade school came up behind me and kicked me in my ass. It sent me head first in the lockers and I was dizzy and out of it the rest of the day. I had a huge lump on my head too, so I know it had to have been a concussion but I didn't know what those were at the time.

There was another time where my gym locker was defecated on by a guy.

I don't know why this is all coming back to me now at 46, and I just don't know what to do. I know it [messed] me up because more and more now I feel something is off with me mentally. 

Edited February 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs and remove inappropriate language

[d0nnivain]

Syd8

I see bullying more than abuse.  Kids are cruel. 

I have no idea why this is resurfacing now at age 46.  There may have been a trigger of which you were unaware.  You mentioned in another post that you recently went "full on scorched earth" on some people.  You have to elaborate on what happened first:  these memories resurfacing or you finally letting people have it.  I suspect the two are related. 

Since it came up, what do you want to do?  You probably can't go back & look up your old classmates to tell them how hurtful their behavior was.  As adults they would most like be ashamed but that doesn't negate what they did.   Perhaps journalling or therapy?  Maybe you could volunteer somewhere to help other kids who are the victims of bullying.  You couldn't protect yourself as a child but now as an adult perhaps you can shield somebody else from having to endure the same pain.

I hope you find the healing you seek. 

[Syd8]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Syd8

I see bullying more than abuse.  Kids are cruel. 

I have no idea why this is resurfacing now at age 46.  There may have been a trigger of which you were unaware.  You mentioned in another post that you recently went "full on scorched earth" on some people.  You have to elaborate on what happened first:  these memories resurfacing or you finally letting people have it.  I suspect the two are related. 

Since it came up, what do you want to do?  You probably can't go back & look up your old classmates to tell them how hurtful their behavior was.  As adults they would most like be ashamed but that doesn't negate what they did.   Perhaps journalling or therapy?  Maybe you could volunteer somewhere to help other kids who are the victims of bullying.  You couldn't protect yourself as a child but now as an adult perhaps you can shield somebody else from having to endure the same pain.

I hope you find the healing you seek. 

I did look them up and told them what I thought of them and what they did to me. They asked for forgiveness but I told them all the F off. 

[d0nnivain]

Do you feel better now that you said your piece?  

[alphamale]

On 2/18/2021 at 1:13 PM, Syd8 said:

I'm 46 years old and recently have had a lot of feelings about what I endured as a child and teenager.

I wasn't abused by my family or anything like that. This was all in grade school and high school, so I'm not sure it counts as abuse or just bullying, but these years were hell for me.

And I've been thinking about things that happened more and more these days.

In all my years of school  I don't think there was a single day where I didn't experience some form of abuse. I know every day I would be made fun of because of my weight and looks. Every day being picked on, shoved down and stuff like that.

High school was worse. The comments continued and the physical stuff got worse. Even my cousin and his group of friends would abuse me.

One incident I remember was when I was bending over to tie my shoe at the lockers and one kid I grew up with in grade school came up behind me and kicked me in my ass. It sent me head first in the lockers and I was dizzy and out of it the rest of the day. I had a huge lump on my head too, so I know it had to have been a concussion but I didn't know what those were at the time.

There was another time where my gym locker was defecated on by a guy.

I don't know why this is all coming back to me now at 46, and I just don't know what to do. I know it [messed] me up because more and more now I feel something is off with me mentally. 

I used to get beat up on a weekly basis in middle and high school. In the end it made me a stronger person

[Syd8]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Do you feel better now that you said your piece?  

Sorta. I would rather have some type of physical punishment to fully satisfy me. 

[poppyfields]

On 2/24/2021 at 5:48 AM, Syd8 said:

I did look them up and told them what I thought of them and what they did to me. They asked for forgiveness but I told them all the F off. 

Hi Syd, I'm so sorry you experienced that.  Hugs.

Jmo, but I actually think it would benefit you to forgive, not forget, not excuse, but forgive, for YOU.

Forgiveness is powerful and can be very healing. 

You were kids, and kids can be stupid, and do stupid things, hurtful things.  

They asked for forgiveness which suggests to me they feel remorse for what they did and how stupid they were. 

My mom abused me terribly while I was growing up, and even in early adulthood.

Like you I blocked it out for many years, it's only recently that I'm dealing with it.

I think we block shyt out as a way to protect ourselves emotionally, from the pain that comes with remembering. 

Anyway, I have forgiven my mom, she did the best she could.  

And doing so was extremely healing for me. 

I forgave her for ME, it allowed me to release certain negative emotions I had been carrying within me for years! 

I'm thinking therapy might benefit you if you're open to that, it's helped me tremendously.

There is a saying I quite like "that which does not kill us makes us stronger."

Again, I'm sorry for what you experienced back then, and what you're experiencing now, and wish you the best moving forward...

 

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, Syd8 said:

Sorta. I would rather have some type of physical punishment to fully satisfy me. 

That's not going to happen.  At least you got to say what you wanted to say & received requests for forgiveness, even if you were not inclined to grant same.  

Take up boxing or kick boxing & pretend the heavy bag is the people you want to hurt but that is as far as you can take it.  

Hang in there.  You are stronger than you know.  You overcame all the things you had to deal with as a kid.  There is grit & determination in you.  You are persevering. 

[Syd8]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Syd, I'm so sorry you experienced that.  Hugs.

Jmo, but I actually think it would benefit you to forgive, not forget, not excuse, but forgive, for YOU.

Forgiveness is powerful and can be very healing. 

You were kids, and kids can be stupid, and do stupid things, hurtful things.  

They asked for forgiveness which suggests to me they feel remorse for what they did and how stupid they were. 

My mom abused me terribly while I was growing up, and even in early adulthood.

Like you I blocked it out for many years, it's only recently that I'm dealing with it.

I think we block shyt out as a way to protect ourselves emotionally, from the pain that comes with remembering. 

Anyway, I have forgiven my mom, she did the best she could.  

And doing so was extremely healing for me. 

I forgave her for ME, it allowed me to release certain negative emotions I had been carrying within me for years! 

I'm thinking therapy might benefit you if you're open to that, it's helped me tremendously.

There is a saying I quite like "that which does not kill us makes us stronger."

Again, I'm sorry for what you experienced back then, and what you're experiencing now, and wish you the best moving forward...

 

 

Thanks. But I will never forgive them. 

[Pumpernickel]

I am so sorry that happened to you. Kids can be a**h***s. I wonder, too, why it’s coming back to you now, at 46. Has anything changed in your life recently? Major changes in the family? Can you talk to someone about it? Are you male or female? You were very brave to get through this on your own. You can do it again! 

[Syd8]

9 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

I am so sorry that happened to you. Kids can be a**h***s. I wonder, too, why it’s coming back to you now, at 46. Has anything changed in your life recently? Major changes in the family? Can you talk to someone about it? Are you male or female? You were very brave to get through this on your own. You can do it again! 

I'm male. I don't have anyone to talk to.