Friends very slow to respond to messages, I'm noticing a general trend

[Cookiesandough]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Actually, they won't get away with it.   Natural consequences will see them lonely and without friends after they've burned all their bridges.

I don’t know why you assume that. They could have just stopped talking to @TheEternalPessimistand kept in contact with the rest of their friends. Sorry, but I’m just being real

[basil67]

I don't know why you'd think I was referring to the OP.  

I was responding to his sentence When people behave in a certain way and you don't call them on it because you think you're above it (when they go low, we go high mentality), you effectively give them the green light to behave that way again and again with other people and constantly get away with it.   He's wanting us to go about correcting others who behave badly.  

Edited February 28, 2021 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

That's part of the problem in my opinion, when you do that you allow bad behavior to be perpetuated and even rewarded.

"Allow"?  "Give them a free pass?"  Once again, you are using controlling language.  You seem to think you have control over these people.  The truth is that you have no control over them whatsoever.  It's not your place to "allow" them to do anything.

You can try "calling them out" or "holding them accountable".  Do you honestly think they are gonna care?  They will probably do exactly what they have been doing which is stop talking to you.  You are pushing people away.

 Your unwillingness to have a little more self-awareness and look at what YOU might be doing to turn people off and push people away doesn't bode well for you having success in making friends in the future.  It looks like these patterns will keep happening.

[ShyViolet]

OP, the more you post with your defensive answers, the more it becomes evident just why you've been having such a hard time maintaining friendships.

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't know why you'd think I was referring to the OP.  

I was responding to his sentence When people behave in a certain way and you don't call them on it because you think you're above it (when they go low, we go high mentality), you effectively give them the green light to behave that way again and again with other people and constantly get away with it.   He's wanting us to go about correcting others who behave badly.  

@Shortskirtslonglashes, on second reading, I realised that I misunderstood part of your post.  Please ignore my first sentence.

And to further explain, some friends do things which are considered bad by anyone's standards.  It was those kinds of people I was referring to.

Edited March 1, 2021 by basil67

[Pumpernickel]

Why is everybody bashing OP, and picking apart every single word she posts? 

 

She’s not happy with her friendships, and she’s voicing exactly that. I think we all know that nothing is going to change. Friends do what they do, and they either stay, or they’re going to turn into “ex”-friends, or former friends at some point. No surprises there.

 

People change. We have no influence on some situations. But she is still allowed to voice her disappointment. We don’t need to lecture and bash her. I’m sure she knows what’s going on. Have a Heart, people!  You all sound obsessed, and self-righteous 

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Why is everybody bashing OP, and picking apart every single word she posts? 

 

She’s not happy with her friendships, and she’s voicing exactly that. I think we all know that nothing is going to change. Friends do what they do, and they either stay, or they’re going to turn into “ex”-friends, or former friends at some point. No surprises there.

 

People change. We have no influence on some situations. But she is still allowed to voice her disappointment. We don’t need to lecture and bash her. I’m sure she knows what’s going on. Have a Heart, people!  You all sound obsessed, and self-righteous 

You clearly haven't read this whole thread, is all I'm going to say.

[Pumpernickel]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You clearly haven't read this whole thread, is all I'm going to say.

Yeah maybe not every single fn post - but most of it – I’m sure I get the gist of it. I think lecturing her is uncalled for. If you can’t be supportive just leave her be

[Minneloa]

@Pumpernickel,

You have a fair point, and I will now exit the thread. 

Good luck, OP, and I’m sorry that these situations have been so painful for you.

[Cookiesandough]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't know why you'd think I was referring to the OP.  

I was responding to his sentence When people behave in a certain way and you don't call them on it because you think you're above it (when they go low, we go high mentality), you effectively give them the green light to behave that way again and again with other people and constantly get away with it.   He's wanting us to go about correcting others who behave badly.  

I see what you mean. I guess I assumed you were referring to the OP‘s situation because his thread and you had  been doing it thus far. But I see what you meant by your post now. That assuming OP’s premise that someone is doing something wrong, it will eventually catch up with them. However, for OP‘s particular situation there is nothing to suggest that these people are doing anything particular wrong other than not wanting to be friends with OP.
 

And if people are suggesting that it is perfectly OK that OP operates under this delusion I think they are doing more harm in the long run. The whole’ teach someone a lesson because they don’t want to be friends with me’ mentality isn’t something that should be encouraged and isn’t gonna help OP. OP asked for advice and has stated they want to get to the bottom of it. Hopefully that means other opinions and reasons that don’t involve demonizing the friends

Edited March 1, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

And if people are suggesting that it is perfectly OK that OP operates under this delusion I think they are doing more harm in the long run. The whole’ teach someone a lesson because they don’t want to be friends with me’ mentality isn’t something that should be encouraged and isn’t gonna help OP. OP asked for advice and has stated they want to get to the bottom of it. Hopefully that means other opinions and reasons that don’t involve demonizing the friends

Sadly, none of us are able to offer answers which the OP finds acceptable.  While I am not religious, feel the sentiment contained in the serenity prayer may be of use to him: 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just because I can't change them doesn't mean I don't get to call them out on it on this thread and question a general trend I've noticed for myself but also for other people that have had to deal with similar situations. People that are quite different than me, mind you. 

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

I think lecturing her is uncalled for.

Maybe/maybe not, but the OP is actually a man, hence why you have been accused of not reading the thread properly...

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Just because I can't change them doesn't mean I don't get to call them out on it on this thread and question a general trend I've noticed for myself but also for other people that have had to deal with similar situations. People that are quite different than me, mind you. 

You can do whatever you want, but don't expect them to then start behaving like good little friends, just because you called them out on their behaviour. Adults make their own choices and their own decisions. If these women feel that their friendship with you is of little or no benefit to them, then why would they feel obliged to keep in more regular contact?
They are fitting you into their life as and when they feel like it. If that is not enough for you then fill your time with more interested friends or failing that, go on a recruiting drive to find them...

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Just because I can't change them doesn't mean I don't get to call them out on it on this thread and question a general trend I've noticed for myself but also for other people that have had to deal with similar situations. 

You can certainly try to "call them out" if you want.  Nothing is stopping you.  But going that route is doing yourself a disservice, because sooner or later you will have to realize that this approach won't accomplish anything.  And you'll still be right back in the same situation with the same problems.  

[HiCrunchy]

I think most friendships don't have a formal ending because they don't have a formal beginning the way romantic ones do. Dynamics shift as personal priorities and life circumstances change as well. If these friendships are fading out then let them naturally do so. This fading out also allows a natural fade back in or catch-ups once personal priorities and life circumstances change again. For those that fade permanently, they were never going to stay in your life.

Confronting your friends on something that is considered a natural process will sour the friendship permanently. It might force a formal friendship breakup where there doesn't have to be one.

[flitzanu]

let's see if this helps.

 

OP, you're right.  it's uncalled for and unfair behavior that your friends suddenly just decided to stop talking to you.  

i had a close galpal about a couple years or so ago that i talked to every single day through text/emails/in person, and suddenly one day she was gone.  haven't heard from her in literally over a year.  no explanation, no contact, nothing.  what should i do?  call her and yell at her for not talking to me?  or simply realize that when someone stops responding, that it's time to cut losses and let them go live their life?

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

15 hours ago, flitzanu said:

let's see if this helps.

 

OP, you're right.  it's uncalled for and unfair behavior that your friends suddenly just decided to stop talking to you.  

i had a close galpal about a couple years or so ago that i talked to every single day through text/emails/in person, and suddenly one day she was gone.  haven't heard from her in literally over a year.  no explanation, no contact, nothing.  what should i do?  call her and yell at her for not talking to me?  or simply realize that when someone stops responding, that it's time to cut losses and let them go live their life?

 

In my opinion, you should definitely ask for an explanation, the bare minimum she could do is to tell you why she did a 360 on you like that but you apparently don't care. Overall it seems most people here have trivial friendships where they can just move on from a person overnight and not care, brushing aside years of a close relation in some cases like it was nothing to begin with which baffles me. I'm not like that and I have a hard time understanding that some many people can apparently be like that. 

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Overall it seems most people here have trivial friendships where they can just move on from a person overnight and not care, brushing aside years of a close relation in some cases like it was nothing to begin with which baffles me. I'm not like that and I have a hard time understanding that some many people can apparently be like that. 

First up, a friendship can't be both trivial and close.  It's one or the other...or somewhere in between.   

And nobody here has suggested that we've all had meaningful friendships which end overnight for no apparent reason and not care.  Twisting what we've said to prove your case wins you no points.   A sudden silence in what was still very active friendship is a very different scenario to your descriptions of losing friends because they've drifted away over time.   

A close friend who's literally done a 360 overnight, for no apparent reason does warrant a conversation.  Not a confrontation.  And certainly not calling them out.  Instead, thoughtfully reaching out to ask if everything is OK.   At least, that's what I'd do.  

[jspice]

You sound like really hard work. A very high maintenance friend. 
No doubt, this comes through in your interactions with these friends. Having to deal with someone like this is tedious and if you’re like this in person it’s understandable why they have decided to  slowly cut ties with you. 
 

If they actually said, .” I don’t want to be friends with you” you would ask why. What’s wrong? How can they do this after you spent Christmas with them?! They don’t want to tell you what puts them off you. 
 

its like when men demand to know why a woman won’t date them or give them a second date so they can shoot down her arguments rather than accept she doesn’t want a date. 
 

Also, the fact that you’re a man going on and on about your female friendships is a bit weird. 
Just stop. Find some guys to hang out with. This isn’t normal. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

First up, a friendship can't be both trivial and close.  It's one or the other...or somewhere in between.   

And nobody here has suggested that we've all had meaningful friendships which end overnight for no apparent reason and not care.  Twisting what we've said to prove your case wins you no points.   A sudden silence in what was still very active friendship is a very different scenario to your descriptions of losing friends because they've drifted away over time.   

A close friend who's literally done a 360 overnight, for no apparent reason does warrant a conversation.  Not a confrontation.  And certainly not calling them out.  Instead, thoughtfully reaching out to ask if everything is OK.   At least, that's what I'd do.  

You're hard to following, you and others here certainly behave as if most of your friendships are trivial anyways and that you seem perfectly content with people changing and moving on from no apparent reason.

It's both a sudden silence and friends drifting away over time (in a very short period of time and for no apparent reason, which matters a lot).

Right now we're not having that conversation either way..

 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

32 minutes ago, jspice said:

You sound like really hard work. A very high maintenance friend. 
No doubt, this comes through in your interactions with these friends. Having to deal with someone like this is tedious and if you’re like this in person it’s understandable why they have decided to  slowly cut ties with you. 
 

If they actually said, .” I don’t want to be friends with you” you would ask why. What’s wrong? How can they do this after you spent Christmas with them?! They don’t want to tell you what puts them off you. 
 

its like when men demand to know why a woman won’t date them or give them a second date so they can shoot down her arguments rather than accept she doesn’t want a date. 
 

Also, the fact that you’re a man going on and on about your female friendships is a bit weird. 
Just stop. Find some guys to hang out with. This isn’t normal. 

What isn't normal? I have one guy friend but my 3 or 4 other friends are female. Some men just get along better with women overall, it's definitely my case. 

[flitzanu]

8 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

In my opinion, you should definitely ask for an explanation, the bare minimum she could do is to tell you why she did a 360 on you like that but you apparently don't care. Overall it seems most people here have trivial friendships where they can just move on from a person overnight and not care, brushing aside years of a close relation in some cases like it was nothing to begin with which baffles me. I'm not like that and I have a hard time understanding that some many people can apparently be like that. 

it's not a matter of not caring, i think about it every day.  doesn't mean i'm going to get an answer.  when i say disappear, they've stopped responding to contact after multiple attempts.

 

do these girl friends know you're into them, or have you expressed your feelings to them previously?

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

it's not a matter of not caring, i think about it every day.  doesn't mean i'm going to get an answer.  when i say disappear, they've stopped responding to contact after multiple attempts.

 

do these girl friends know you're into them, or have you expressed your feelings to them previously?

Umm I'm not into them at all so I can't express feelings I don't have.. 

[jspice]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Umm I'm not into them at all so I can't express feelings I don't have.. 

Have you reacted in the same way when male friends have  dropped communication? Have you called them out?