Forced into single motherhood

[JiltedJane]

I’m so sad and so terrified and need some genuine answers and honesty.

I’m almost 36 yrs old, never married , no kids, never pregnant. After my fiancé stole a bunch of money and ghosted me two yrs ago, I froze my eggs. At that time I was told my AMH levels ( or quality of my eggs in layman’s terms) was that was a 23 yr old. 
Over the last two years the AMH has been rapidly increasing. It should decrease as I get older. I don’t have PCOS which is the most curable reason for it going up. My period has never been normal, I have a fibroid uterus, so I’ve been told my multiple doctors that naturally pregnancy is damn near impossible and risky. I went to my gyno the other day and he said based on my AMH levels, I have a lot of eggs but they are deteriorating rapidly. If I want to try and have a kid naturally it’s now or never. I work as a women’s health NP so I can see my results are not good. I brought them to one of the doctors I work with and he confirmed that I don’t have much time.

Since I have no romantic prospects (other than the friend I’m in love with) , I’m thinking I have to go with a sperm donor. I’m beyond devastated to have to do this. I feel like it’s right there with giving up completely. I was genuinely hoping someone might fall in love with me someday and we could build a life and family together, and now that dream is dead. I feel like becoming a single mother by choice is basically signing my death sentence in the dating world. It also sucks because I didn’t even get the chance to try to conceive naturally. I’m beyond frustrated with this turn of events. I’ve done everything right my whole life, why am I so unloveable? I can already hear the snarky comments and judgements coming from all my family members. I’m already criticized enough for being single and childless- as if I choose this situation !

I’m beyond sad, the type of sadness where you can’t cry if that makes sense . How can I raise a kid without a dad ? How can I afford it myself without working full time? The kid will probably write a book about me...

Other single mothers by choice- how has dating been? How harshly were u judged for this? What assumptions were made? What was your overall experience?

men- am I signing a death sentence for my dating life? Will men think I’m a desperate psycho? That I’m Baby crazy? Will this make me even more repulsive?

Edited February 20, 2021 by JiltedJane

[Happy Lemming]

I can only speak for myself, but as a male I've avoided single mothers like the plague.  I did try to date one single mom (once) but it was an utter disaster., so lesson learned from experience.

So that is rule #1 in my dating "deal breakers": No Single Mothers.   I'm not raising someone else's seed, even if the child was conceived via sperm donation. 

I'm of the opinion, that I'll leave the single moms to date the single dads.  They can cancel on each other because the kid is sick and share war stories about soccer practice and which type of mini-van is best, etc. etc. No thank you.

I do think you will have a more difficult time dating as a single mom vs. a single woman.

[introverted1]

You've got two issues here - job and dating. 

I was married, had 2 kids, got divorced when my kids were 3 and not quite 1.  I was 36.  I had a good job and a live-out nanny, so my kids were in their home during the day (and later, when they were not in school).  This was very important to me - I could have saved a lot of money by using day care, but I wanted my kids to have as much normalcy in their day-to-day life as possible, so I was happy to trade-off more discretionary income for in-home care.  I realise this isn't feasible for everyone, and only you know your financial situation well enough to determine if single parenthood is in the cards financially.

As far as dating, I had a pretty full dating life. Any limits were due to my time or interest, not the lack of available men.  LS may not be the best place for a sampling of family-oriented men.  I went on to meet a man who fell in love with me and my kids (they loved him, too).  He was single, never married, no kids.  We married and had a child together.  He was a dad to all three kids (the dad of my first 2 was not a major influence for reasons not relevant to this thread).

I wouldn't get so hung up on the "by choice" aspect.  The big plus is that there is no baby daddy involved who could potentially be a source of problems. Other than that, you're just another single mom dating, and there are plenty of them out there doing so quite happily.

Edited February 21, 2021 by introverted1

[Wiseman2]

Do whatever is right for you. Don't allow family to bully you.

Do what you need to do. You only have one life. There's plenty of single mothers who get plenty of dates.

Make sure you have good support systems in your life.

Any decent man who would date single mothers would date you .

If you are honest about your medical dilemmas  most men would understand.

[ShyViolet]

I'm sorry but I don't understand why you are doing this to yourself.  I am a couple years older than you.  Childless by choice.  Can  you consider the fact that you don't HAVE to have a kid?  Or you can adopt?  (which would take away this "rushed" feeling surrounding all this, because you could adopt anytime). It just seems like you are entering into a very harsh, difficult endeavor here, something that you are acting like you have no choice but to do.  You do have a choice.  There is no "stigma" about being a childless woman.  I 1000% reject that.  That is crap.  Maybe it's just not in the cards for you and you would be more at peace if you just accepted that.  Maybe you could continue dating and meet a wonderful man and then consider adopting... or don't.  Just live your life however you want and don't allow outside forces to make you feel like you HAVE to do anything.

[Miss Spider]

On 2/20/2021 at 3:53 PM, JiltedJane said:

 

men- am I signing a death sentence for my dating life? Will men think I’m a desperate psycho? That I’m Baby crazy? Will this make me even more repulsive?

Sorry, but it’s hard to hide it. I assume that that is a big reason why you struggled with dating up until now. Desperation is very high up there in the list of pretty much universally unattractive things in a person.  They also don’t want to be slotted into someone’s idealistic vision of a life because they think their options are running out and no one wants them. 
 

Even your username. I remember your posts. Dejected, “no one wants me” posts from years ago. And desperately chasing wrong, disinterested people for who knows what reason. They fit the slot, I guess. 

 

This just all goes back to you being desperate to have this idealistic vision of what will make you happy. And this time, instead of a man being the pawn,  it is a baby who doesn’t have a choice to come into in this world. 

 

A baby is going to necessarily make you happy or complete.  I actually think it’s actually a really bad idea you bring life in the world considering this post and how you speak of raising this child on your own. I think you need to look deeper. Get some help. Go to a therapist. Go to another. Try something completely new. CBT, DBT, gym, idk but I think your dilemma is a lot deeper than this baby one. 

 

 

Edited February 21, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ShyViolet]

On 2/20/2021 at 3:53 PM, JiltedJane said:

Since I have no romantic prospects (other than the friend I’m in love with) , I’m thinking I have to go with a sperm donor. I’m beyond devastated to have to do this.

I’m beyond sad, the type of sadness where you can’t cry if that makes sense . How can I raise a kid without a dad ? How can I afford it myself without working full time? The kid will probably write a book about me...

This is not the environment or the mental state to bring a child into the world.  Honestly, you don't sound stable enough to be bringing a child into the world.  This sounds like a terrible idea.  A child will not magically make you happy.  You need to be stable and at peace within yourself before you should be bringing a child into the world.  And you don't rush into something like that just because the fertility place says this is your "last chance."  

[HiCrunchy]

I saw another woman with a similar issue you might find interesting. Here is advise to you that I also gave to this other poster:

 

I would try to visualize my life either partnered with no baby of my own or single with a baby, and seeing which option appeals to you more.

If having a baby is extremely important in the way you see your future, I think the treatments are great next step. Finding love can happen at any age but fertility becomes a bit more complicated as we age. Having your baby takes off a lot of pressure, so you can date without this looming over your head. Plus plenty of men have children in their 30s, 40s, and 50s so its not strange that you would too.

If you would prefer to have a baby only if you found the right man, then I would focus on trying to dating not worrying about being 40 and child free. As many lovely ladies have pointed on this forum, there are many ways to fill that maternal role.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan, but it doesn't mean it can't be as fun.

 

 

Also, LS mens opinions of women trying to get pregnant at 40:

 

 

 

 

[JiltedJane]

I am allowed to be sad and distraught over this situation. I only found out a few days ago so it’s a shocker.
I’ve always wanted to have kids and a family. It’s not solely from family or societal pressure. And I don’t act desperate when I’m on dates. In fact I’ve rejected men that were desperate to get married and have kids just because I felt like they were checking me off of some sort of list to complete their life. The reason why I froze my eggs is because I didn’t want to have to rush in to anything. I want the kind of relationship where we grow and build together. My longest relationship was with a person who was not only my boyfriend but my best friend. It took time to build to that. I’m looking for that kind of intimacy again. But with the clock ticking, it’s hard not to feel like I need to rush a bit. And I don’t feel like I should have to settle for someone I’m not madly in love with. I worked hard to get where I’m at today.

I am very open to adoption, but let’s face it - it’s hard to adopt as a single mother. Even      “Picture perfect families “ have a hard time adopting. I’m open to donor eggs, donor embryos, anything really. I just wish I got the chance that other people get where I get to conceive naturally with somebody that I’m in love with- who wants the same thing as me.

 

[JiltedJane]

9 minutes ago, HiCrunchy said:

I saw another woman with a similar issue you might find interesting. Here is advise to you that I also gave to this other poster:

 

I would try to visualize my life either partnered with no baby of my own or single with a baby, and seeing which option appeals to you more.

If having a baby is extremely important in the way you see your future, I think the treatments are great next step. Finding love can happen at any age but fertility becomes a bit more complicated as we age. Having your baby takes off a lot of pressure, so you can date without this looming over your head. Plus plenty of men have children in their 30s, 40s, and 50s so its not strange that you would too.

If you would prefer to have a baby only if you found the right man, then I would focus on trying to dating not worrying about being 40 and child free. As many lovely ladies have pointed on this forum, there are many ways to fill that maternal role.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan, but it doesn't mean it can't be as fun.

 

 

Also, LS mens opinions of women trying to get pregnant at 40:

 

 

 

 

Thanks for being kind rather than insinuating that’s I’m an unstable nutcase like some of the people on here. And thanks for the post links!

[Sioned]

I cannot give you any advise on dating, or on being a single mum. But I can offer you my perspective on being a mum to a "non- biological" child.
At 35 my AMH was bad - there was almost no chance of IVF working, but I did try. It didn't work.Then I had embryos donated from another couple - but that didn't work either. So by the time I was your age - I had to accept never having a biological child. For family reasons i had to pull out of adopting a child (most people seem to thing "just adopt" is an answer not realizing that it is often almost impossible depending on where you live and the political rules around it.)

My marriage broke down - rather I gave up trying to make it work. While I was going through the separation procedures (still living with my Ex), I found i could travel to another country (the US), and get a donated embryo - from volunteer donors rather than another couple donating left over embryos. The chances of success are MUCH higher this way.  It was costly, and difficult, and I did it alone - but it worked and I have a much loved child.

I still live my ex - who has chosen to be a dad to my little boy - and while far from a "normal" family set up - it works really well most of the time. So I am not exactly a single mum lol. But I am also not exactly NOT a single mum.

And I can tell you this - if I wasn't honest about the origins of my child NO ONE would know he is not related to me. In fact no one would realize he wasn't my ex's child either.  His grandparents adore him, and he has given them a new lease of life. And I could not love this little boy any more if he had come from my own eggs. I really couldn't.

As for judgement - well - absolutely ZERO around his origins and birth. In fact - the only judgement I had had is for not "getting back together" with my ex. I am regularly asked if I am going to do this, asked why I am not, and asked how I am going to explain to my child why his mummy and daddy have separate rooms. No surprise AT all that my ex-husband has NEVER been asked this!

So please - if a child is what you want in your life - and you feel able and ready to take this on - then do it. Just know that even if you cannot use your own eggs - that is still YOUR child and you will feel every bit as much love and protectiveness (and anger and frustration) as every other mum out there.But also if you decide not to - that is OK too. You are not obliged to run your life for other's approval.

I was 44 when I finally got pregnant. There are days when I wonder what the hell I was thinking lol. There are days I want to give up. But you know what - so do just about every other mum out there raising a child, whether as a single mum or not.

 

[BaileyB]

It’s a difficult thing to accept when life does not workout as planned. I decided not to pursue other options, my life went a different way. But, I respect the decision to have a child as a single mother. I say, listen to your heart and do what feels right with your soul. As with every decision, there are pros and there are cons. If you chose to get pregnant, do so with the knowledge that it will require significant sacrifice - financially and emotionally. But, if you have the financial and social resources to raise a child as a single mother and it is what your heart truly wants... 

[Lost1981]

Maybe you've already read my "I'm having a midlife crisis"-thread. I totally understand your thoughts and feelings, also the one about the death sentence ragarding dating as a single mom. I've also heard that some men don't want to date a woman with children, but maybe it's more in thoses cases where there's an ex involved? If you're a single mom by choice it's only you and a potential boyfriend don't have to deal with an ex-husband and that could make it easier. I don't know, I'm just guessing, but when I looked for men on dating apps I was more concerned about the ex-wife than of the children 😉 

You can get rejected for a lot of reasons. Even though I don't have children I don't get as many matches on dating apps now (I'm 39) as when I was 32. Men at my age who want children mostly want to date women who are younger so they don't have to make babies right away. I have dated while being in fertility treatment and I was honest about it. Not to all and it wasn't something I would write in my profile of course, but I told it to the few men I ended up meeting with. I don't date now, because I want to keep my focus on the treatment (and also because of Covid19 ;-)) 

I've cried a lot of tears, beacuse single mom by choice isn't my first choice. But I really want to have a child and I can't risk ending up both childless and single without having done all I could to have a child. I think you should really think it through though, because it's important that you really want the baby. It would be so sad if you blamed the baby for not getting a boyfriend 😞 You had your eggs frozen and that's a really good thing! That means that you still have some time, just don't wait too long...

[Calmandfocused]

I’m 41, divorced and have 2 young children, 9 and 7.

I was married to their father when they were both born. However ...

My ex husband may have been “physically” present in body, he certainly was not in mind and spirit. I did the whole child raising on my own. He did not do a single thing to help and he certainly didn’t support me in either pregnancy.  I would often say to my friends that I would have had more “help”  from a one night stand 😁.  
 

I was 37 when we divorced with 2 young children and I was working full time. And you know something; I was fine! It was actually easier than having my ex husband around. It was easier on my own! 
 

So my point is; it can be done. If you really want this, then you can do it on your own. 
 

As for dating ..... I had exactly the same mindset as you. I worried that no one would want me.

My fears were unfounded. I’ve not had a problem whatsoever. Quite the opposite in fact. It does help that my children are fabulous of course 😁. 
 

Also I’ve also found that even men without children of their own (especially those who are around my age range) are quite open to the possibility of dating women with children. 
 

The main problem I’ve experienced is single dads whose childcare arrangements are the complete opposite of mine. It just hasn’t been feasible to start dating. It happens. 
 

Anyway my point is; it can be done. Many of the fears you have are unfounded. If you want to do this go for it! 
 

 

[lana-banana]

You should only bring a child into the world because you truly desire it with every fiber of your being and you feel you're in a good place to provide for them. That's what matters. 

Nothing in life is guaranteed---having a husband doesn't mean he'll stay, and being a single parent now doesn't mean you'll be one forever. I can count five women off the top of my head who were single parents that later remarried. 

The way you're talking now suggests you would be making this decision out of fear, not love. Fear is one of the worst reasons to do anything, especially something as irrevocable as having a child. Talk to a counselor about your feelings and prepare to spend some months working on this. I don't think you're unstable or a nutcase, but I do think you aren't in the right headspace to be having a child, with or without a partner.

[Gaeta]

Your desire to have a child should outweigh 1000 times your desire to date. The early years of a child is exhausting and you won't have time to date. Put dating on the ice for the first 3 years after childbirth. You're only 36, you have the rest of your life to date. What if you meet the man of your life at 43-44? When you're pregnant with all those hormones rushing through your body the last thing you'll think about is men. When you have to get up every 2 hours to nurse, when your free time is spent washing bottles, caring for colic, there's not a bone in yourself that will feel sexy enough to date. All of this is worth it if your heart is in the right place. 

[Lost1981]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Your desire to have a child should outweigh 1000 times your desire to date. The early years of a child is exhausting and you won't have time to date. Put dating on the ice for the first 3 years after childbirth. You're only 36, you have the rest of your life to date. What if you meet the man of your life at 43-44? When you're pregnant with all those hormones rushing through your body the last thing you'll think about is men. When you have to get up every 2 hours to nurse, when your free time is spent washing bottles, caring for colic, there's not a bone in yourself that will feel sexy enough to date. All of this is worth it if your heart is in the right place. 

I know this post isn't for me, but I really hope you're right about this. One of my fears is that I still would long for a man (at least to share things about the baby with) even when the baby is born. But if you're right about that a baby totally makes you forget about men and sex then I'm all in 😀