Husband leaves at night. Input?

[MsJayne]

I have never met anyone who experiences migraine headaches who would be able to function with one, unless they're an ocular migraine, (I get these), where there is no pain as such, but your peripheral vision goes kaleidoscopic. Reading or driving is very difficult while this is happening, looking at a computer screen is impossible, and the only way to get rid of them is to close your eyes and wait for it to stop. So I'm calling BS on his migraine excuse.  You're being gas-lighted - he's accused you of being controlling when in fact he is the one who is exerting coercive pressure on you, and he's engaging in suspect behaviour but demands that you just blindly trust, and he has access to your 'phone but you are not allowed access to his.

I think he's up to no good. My first guess is that he's 'cruising', meeting up with other men in locations, or 'beats', that are known to gay men who are looking for casual sex. The hours he's doing support that. The fact that he did this years ago, stopped, but has recently started again also might suggest that it's something he struggles with but can't control. The variation in the amount of time he's gone also supports it - some nights he gets lucky quickly, some nights he has to wait for hours. Keeping his 'phone activity hidden from you also supports it. If he was just carrying on normal affairs he could do that during the day time, whereas the gay beat is mostly done under cover of dark. 

The only two things I can suggest are putting a tracking device on his vehicle that reports to your 'phone, and also finding out as much as you can about the local closet gay/bi scene. Most cities have somewhere that gay men meet up, maybe a fake profile on a gay site would reveal where the local beat is.  The other thing is that he may be the neighbourhood prowler, perving through windows in the dead of night, but that doesn't fit like the gay theory does. 

[Frustratedwife12]

14 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I have never met anyone who experiences migraine headaches who would be able to function with one, unless they're an ocular migraine, (I get these), where there is no pain as such, but your peripheral vision goes kaleidoscopic. Reading or driving is very difficult while this is happening, looking at a computer screen is impossible, and the only way to get rid of them is to close your eyes and wait for it to stop. So I'm calling BS on his migraine excuse.  You're being gas-lighted - he's accused you of being controlling when in fact he is the one who is exerting coercive pressure on you, and he's engaging in suspect behaviour but demands that you just blindly trust, and he has access to your 'phone but you are not allowed access to his.

I think he's up to no good. My first guess is that he's 'cruising', meeting up with other men in locations, or 'beats', that are known to gay men who are looking for casual sex. The hours he's doing support that. The fact that he did this years ago, stopped, but has recently started again also might suggest that it's something he struggles with but can't control. The variation in the amount of time he's gone also supports it - some nights he gets lucky quickly, some nights he has to wait for hours. Keeping his 'phone activity hidden from you also supports it. If he was just carrying on normal affairs he could do that during the day time, whereas the gay beat is mostly done under cover of dark. 

The only two things I can suggest are putting a tracking device on his vehicle that reports to your 'phone, and also finding out as much as you can about the local closet gay/bi scene. Most cities have somewhere that gay men meet up, maybe a fake profile on a gay site would reveal where the local beat is.  The other thing is that he may be the neighbourhood prowler, perving through windows in the dead of night, but that doesn't fit like the gay theory does. 

The car tracker seems like a good idea and would answer a lot of questions, but it is actually a crime in my state. A tracker on someone’s phone or car is illegal unless both parties are aware and agree to it. 
 He can sue me for it as stalking and a few other violations. if I tried to use it in court, the court can bring charges against me as well. Most people don’t know that and do it anyway. They get in a lot of trouble 

[MsJayne]

8 minutes ago, Frustratedwife12 said:

The car tracker seems like a good idea and would answer a lot of questions, but it is actually a crime in my state. A tracker on someone’s phone or car is illegal unless both parties are aware and agree to it. 
 He can sue me for it as stalking and a few other violations. if I tried to use it in court, the court can bring charges against me as well. Most people don’t know that and do it anyway. They get in a lot of trouble 

Ah OK, it's illegal here too, but you could get away with it as long as you kept quiet about it, and could fit it and remove it yourself after it had served it's purpose.  

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This is not a normal marriage,

2 hours ago, Frustratedwife12 said:

Sadly I have to agree. I could offer him anything and he would not stay.

Okay, well - guess you'll have to start considering other options. It seems odd to me to dismiss this suggestion out of hand without even attempting to run it by him. If you are so certain the answer is "no I won't do that" (accept a chaperone for safety reasons) one would have to ask why not. Of course Elaine makes valid points, but you seem ready to assume he'll disagree without even trying to ask. If you are so certain he's up to no good, you could consider just assuming that as a given, and proceeding with that in mind.

Another idea to consider would be to ask to openly install a webcam in the car. After all, if he's just reading at this park of his, that shouldn't be a problem. The rationale would again be his personal safety (and the potential impact of something happening to him on you and the baby). You can monitor and make sure he's ok. He can yell into the camera if there's trouble to try to wake you up at home. There will be a video record of whatever happened for the authorities (if there was an incident).

If that's a no-go, again the question would be why.

I suppose you could dismiss this suggestion out of hand as well. That's fine, but you seem to have few constructive options if you're unwilling to even ask to monitor him, with the completely reasonable justification of safety, on the assumption he won't agree.

Again, if open monitoring with a reasonable justification is off the table, one has to ask why. But you don't seem to want to even try asking for this. Maybe you are refusing to take the bull by the horns here?

Again, something to consider.

Edited February 23, 2021 by mark clemson

[Frustratedwife12]

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Okay, well - guess you'll have to start considering other options. It seems odd to me to dismiss this suggestion out of hand without even attempting to run it by him. If you are so certain the answer is "no I won't do that" (accept a chaperone for safety reasons) one would have to ask why not. Of course Elaine makes valid points, but you seem ready to assume he'll disagree without even trying to ask. If you are so certain he's up to no good, you could consider just assuming that as a given, and proceeding with that in mind.

Another idea to consider would be to ask to openly install a webcam in the car. After all, if he's just reading at this park of his, that shouldn't be a problem. The rationale would again be his personal safety (and the potential impact of something happening to him on you and the baby). You can monitor and make sure he's ok. He can yell into the camera if there's trouble to try to wake you up at home. There will be a video record of whatever happened for the authorities (if there was an incident).

If that's a no-go, again the question would be why.

I suppose you could dismiss this suggestion out of hand as well. That's fine, but you seem to have few constructive options if you're unwilling to even ask to monitor him, with the completely reasonable justification of safety, on the assumption he won't agree.

Again, if open monitoring with a reasonable justification is off the table, one has to ask why. But you don't seem to want to even try asking for this. Maybe you are refusing to take the bull by the horns here?

Again, something to consider.

You misunderstood my response. 
she said cookies, a meal or sex would not persuade him to stay. That is what I am agreeing with. I know it doesn’t work because I’ve tried it all. I’m not avoiding it, I’ve tried. 
 

as for installing a camera in his car with permission, he refused to allow that in our home so I am sure he would do the same with the car. I have asked to come with him and sit quietly and it was a no. He wants his “me time” alone in the quiet with wind on his face. I have no issue with me time. It’s the going out into the world alone when he could just go outside. I asked him to go to a friends house instead and it was no. 
 

you are assuming I have not tried anything or asked. I have. It is always a no. 
As to why it is a no? You got me. The only response I get is that if I can’t full heartedly trust him we have no marriage and shouldn’t be together. If a camera is required for me to believe him, we have no grounds for a relationship. He feels he is perfectly safe and nothing will happen to him and he is annoyed that I worry. 
 

if he asked me to do a camera in my car, I would feel uncomfortable, sure, but I would do it for him. But then again I would not be going out at night. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. If it's always a no, I guess you need to consider asking him why that is and/or if privacy is paramount, why that might be so.

Assuming the worst might be fair in that situation, although it would be a shame if he just likes to masturbate to weird (but harmless) porn and is really embarrassed about it or similar and your marriage ends over it.

You don't need internet strangers' permission, to consider doing what's necessary to protect yourself and your child from potential malfeasance.

[Frustratedwife12]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough. If it's always a no, I guess you need to consider asking him why that is and/or if privacy is paramount, why that might be so.

Assuming the worst might be fair in that situation, although it would be a shame if he just likes to masturbate to weird (but harmless) porn and is really embarrassed about it or similar and your marriage ends over it.

You don't need internet strangers' permission, to consider doing what's necessary to protect yourself and your child from potential malfeasance.

Thanks Mark. I agree. That’s not something I would end a marriage over and I would hope he knows that. I don’t have judgements over weird fetishes etc. within a marriage it’s healthy to explore those things but together.  
 

If he is truly truthful I can understand why  my requests would be upsetting to him and make him feel the relationship shouldn't exist if I am making offensive accusations against an innocent man. 
 

At the same time, I really wanted to see if strangers would feel the way I feel. 
When we have talked about this issue he says I am crazy because no one else would be suspecting anything or worried something questionable is going on. He seems to truly believe it is not a weird thing to do. 
 

i really wanted to prove to myself, and him if it ever comes down to it, that i have not spoken to a single person, man or woman, that would be ok with this or at least feel uneasy and I am not crazy or controlling for feeling this way. 
 

out of the two forums I tried, every single person felt it was strange and questionable behavior that would make you suspect something bad is happening. Not one person has said that I should just trust him. 
 

which makes me think, either I know him well enough that I don’t feel alarmed enough to take insanely drastic measures, or I am one of those “stupid women” that didn’t trust their gut and got heart broken.

so here i sit

[mark clemson]

... until you figure out what you're going to do.

[elaine567]

Have you ever checked the mileage on his car? Does his fuel consumption tally with these midnight jaunts?
Is he in fact spending hours driving around or is he doing something else? 

[Frustratedwife12]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Have you ever checked the mileage on his car? Does his fuel consumption tally with these midnight jaunts?
Is he in fact spending hours driving around or is he doing something else? 

Interesting thought. Hard to check though on bed rest and when he is Home

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Frustratedwife12 said:

 I don’t feel alarmed enough to take insanely drastic measures.

You need to discuss this with your own doctor privately and confidentiality. Also privately and confidentiality, go to your own therapist.

You need professional personalized advice. Not surveys from infidelity forums that typically have the same old memes about (illegal) spying/tracking equipment.

He's lying. You know that much. He's also quite defensive and trying to make you think his mindbending nonsense is normal.

This is why you need to speak personally and confidentiality with your own professionals.

At this point you don't even know what types of mental illnesses he has except some vague maybe bipolar, maybe personality disorder, maybe headaches.

Unfortunately you seem to want to find out what is going on but at the same time, don't really want to know. 

Agree that disappearing regularly may indicate visiting (male or female) prostitutes, something else you are trying to normalize by pretending that you are cool with sexual exploration.

Are you bedridden?

 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Frustratedwife12]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to discuss this with your own doctor privately and confidentiality. Also privately and confidentiality, go to your own therapist.

You need professional personalized advice. Not surveys from infidelity forums that typically have the same old memes about (illegal) spying/tracking equipment.

He's lying. You know that much. He's also quite defensive and trying to make you think his mindbending nonsense is normal.

This is why you need to speak personally and confidentiality with your own professionals.

At this point you don't even know what types of mental illnesses he has except some vague maybe bipolar, maybe personality disorder, maybe headaches.

Unfortunately you seem to want to find out what is going on but at the same time, don't really want to know. 

Agree that disappearing regularly may indicate visiting (male or female) prostitutes, something else you are trying to normalize by pretending that you are cool with sexual exploration.

Are you bedridden?

 

You have misunderstood my response again and I’m not sure how you got what you did out of that so I’m not sure how to respond here so I think i’ll leave it alone before it gets more Confusing. 

[elaine567]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you bedridden?

She is pregnant and on bed rest.

[SpecialJ]

How do you know he has borderline personality disorder if he hasn't been diagnosed?

 

If he has BPD or bipolar, and he's not in therapy or on medication, then it's more likely this is related to untreated mental issues. Did this come about before your pregnancy got difficult? Do you have other children? If this is your first, and he's worried about your health, he may be completely unable to cope with the stress and worry in any sort of healthy way. Both BPD and the upswing of bipolar come with bad impulse control, so I suppose he could be getting up to no good. But I think the bigger issue here is unmanaged mental health stuff. Get that under control first, especially before the baby is born, and then he may be able to have a more reasonable conversation with you. 

[LynneVicious]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. I seems like you are aware he's having affairs, but that elephant in the room hasn't been addressed yet.

People with excruciating migraines or cluster or hypnic headaches do not feel like driving around or reading under artificial light.

It seems like you know this as well but right now you would rather both sweep this under the rug.

Agree I suffer from migraine. No way will I drive nor want to nor read on my phone. I can only lay down with an ice pack on my head in the dark. 

[LynneVicious]

When I was pregnant with my twins, my husband would go out all the time at night. Be out all night. I never thought a man would or could cheat on a pregnant wife. Years and years later, my kids now, young adults, told me they saw their dad leave at night and even saw women pull halfway up the driveway in the middle of the night. They were trusting young kids rhen, so didn’t question it.  He was cheating basically the whole marriage. I am divorced now. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Frustratedwife12 said:

Hard to check though on bed rest and when he is Home

Why don't you get separate bedrooms for now? Perhaps he doesn't want to disturb you.  Perhaps you are a restless sleeper or snoring?

That way he can stay up, read, do whatever he wants and you can sleep and stay in bed without being disturbed by his insomnia, headaches or what he does or wherever he goes.

It's interesting that you know about his headaches and that you have a vague idea about his mental health, but you are scouring infidelity sites for "answers"?

Perhaps you need to focus on how much the difficult pregnancy and expecting a child in general is affecting you and him.

Do you insist he's by your side all the time especially at night?

Is it possible you can't have sex right now, given the difficult pregnancy and he's off masturbating?

[Crazelnut]

Look, to get an answer, you're going to have to either hire a PI, have a friend follow him, or put a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in his car illegally. I vote for the latter. You don't tell him; you don't use it in a divorce. You just DO it so you will be able to make an informed decision about YOUR life. 

[World Peace Guy]

I agree that cheating seems to be very likely, and the other woman knows, which is not uncommon at all. It is possible there is some other explanation. I also agree, that if he's got a bad headache, he's probably not reading.

He's using the threat of divorce to control you, to prevent you from checking up on him. That is another form of stepping over the line, which is worse than not trusting him. You have valid reason to check up on him. So one option is to come straight out and call his bluff. Tell him straight out that because of his behavior, you have good reason to not trust him, and tell him that if he wants you to trust him, he better tell you what is going on with all the details. Spill the beans, as they say. That would be the honest approach, so if he respects honesty, he'll respect that. On the other hand, if he is just using that as an excuse to hide the truth from you, than he'll get upset and try to weasel out of it.

On the other hand, if he is cheating on you, you may be better off to have a PI investigate it, for evidence for court. 

 

[Allupinnit]

If it were truly about an innocent headache he would do everything he could to assure you he was up not to no good like most EVERYONE is after midnight when they're out somewhere.

Girl I'm sorry but he isn't driving around at 2am "to get cold wind on his face". - LOL come on that sounds so ridiculous.  You definitely need to get a P.I. - I have a gf who was able to catch her husband that way.

I hope you're taking care of yourself; the last thing he needs to be putting you through is unnecessary stress.  This is honestly one of the more bizarre stories I've heard on here.

 

[Watercolors]

On 2/22/2021 at 8:23 AM, ShyViolet said:

Leaving for hours at night just to "get fresh air", hang out in the park or take a drive?  He must think you're stupid.  He is obviously doing something that he doesn't want you to know about.    Maybe it's cheating, maybe it's something else.  The question is what.

I agree. 

OP, your husband is lying to you and since you are on bedrest, you can't really do anything until you are back on your feet again after you give birth to your second child. 

17 hours ago, Frustratedwife12 said:

They are questions I get when I talk to friends or from another forum. 
we have seen doctors about it. He has his entire life. Nothing works. He is early 30s. Does not drink heavily. Overall health is good. We have seen a counselor many times. He has a boarder line personality disorder I am told. But that could be anything from depression, bipolar disorder, narcissism etc. it was never an exact diagnosis. 
I have been tested. All negative tests. 
 

no I don’t believe he needs to be in the park. I find it ridiculous. 

BPD and/or narcissism was suggested as a diagnosis but not officialized by testing for your husband (i'm guessing b/c he refused)?

I think you should start the divorce process without telling your husband (for obvious reasons). Gather your support network around you and get a burner phone and get emotional support and start looking for an apartment for yourself and your child and soon to be born baby (if that is why you're on bedrest). You cannot stay with your husband. Whatever he's doing those 3-6 nights he's gone at night, is nefarious. There's nothing normal about his behavior. Nothing. You and your child (and baby) are not safe. 

[JRabbit]

I don't buy this guy has migraines either, from a former sufferer (goodbye gluten, hello no more migraines), him driving around making his face and head feel good is an absolute laugh.

VAR is the way to go.  If you can't do that, then honestly time to find a good friend, strap on some spy gear and follow him one night.  If you are on bed rest I can't see why he needs to leave the premises for alone time.

[Watercolors]

14 hours ago, Frustratedwife12 said:

You have misunderstood my response again and I’m not sure how you got what you did out of that so I’m not sure how to respond here so I think i’ll leave it alone before it gets more Confusing. 

Wiseman gave you fantastic advice. Why do you disagree? It's clear to me - a complete stranger - that your husband is up to something nefarious. Nobody who is 'normal' disappears at night from his wife and children because of having migraines. The fact that you are on bedrest doesn't help anything b/c your unborn child needs you to stay calm. So, you're in a precarious situation in that way. 

Are you going to seek help from outsiders for this situation? 

[lil_missy]

My husband used to do something similar to this, and we are now separated.

We were in lockdown during covid and not suppose to go out at all but he was finding reasons to go out about 5 out of 7 nights a week. 

His excuse would be getting smokes, going to friends, meeting up with friend , going to parents. And he would be gone around about 1 hour each time. 

I really still have no idea if what he said was true. But I did check the odometer once since I had just cleared it and filled petrol the day before, and there was 60km on it and lots of petrol gone. But he still denied he went any where but to get smokes down the roads. 

And he used the pick up the phone whenever I called too. 

My suspicion is that he was either dealing drugs, buying drugs, borrowing money or gambling. Since sex n intimacy was never an issue for us. 

But yeh it is not normal at all behaviour I reckon. 

[lil_missy]

Or you could ask him to turn on his location  sharing on his phone so you could see where he is at all times? 

I did that with my husband before but the problem is sometimes it doesn't work and you don't know if its network issues or he turned it off. 

I think with all liars, some of the things he tell you will be true. So sometimes he will be going to the park or going for a drive. But not all the time.