How to know when to move on? What if she's the one.

[agonyandirony]

tl;dr - things have not moved on much in 5 years due to numerous mental health and other issues she has, I'm lonely and want to move on but still love her so much. This decision is tearing me apart and I would be so grateful for any help or advice. 

Little bit of backstory:

I met this girl online in 2015 when we were in our late 20s/early 30s. She lives in Canada, I live in Scotland. We very quickly got close and fell very much in love. I had never met anyone that I had been so attracted to, we seemed perfect for one another in so many ways and often talked for hours a day. I really felt that she was “the one”. In 2016, I had an opportunity to take a career break and flew out to meet her in person for the first time on a one way ticket (I had plenty of savings and she was working). Those first weeks and months together were nothing short of magical and some of my happiest memories. I think about them often.

However, after a few months together things unravelled quite a bit. Long story short, a series of unexpected events triggered childhood trauma in her that caused a very severe depression which gripped her for the next 3 years and affects her to this day. Ultimately she quit her job, moved back in with her parents with whom she has a strained relationship, stopped taking care of herself, was completely and utterly miserable and at different times suicidal. She also burned relationships with friends and family members so basically just had me. You’ll have to take my word for it that I did everything I could to help her even though this placed a tremendous strain on me. I didn’t have the necessary visa to live and work there, so the best I could do would be to fly out and be with her for months at a time. This was obviously unsustainable, not least due to the financial and career implications, and eventually I had to completely move back to Scotland. Before I did, I desperately tried to talk to her about marriage or some sort of long term stable solution that would allow us to live together, but she kept saying she was in too fragile a state mentally/emotionally to have those sort of conversations. While there were of course good times, and the side of her I fell in love with would often shine through, I have to say those were some extremely stressful times for me.

Current situation:

So I left over a year ago, am back in Scotland I have got my career on track again and am doing well with family and friends despite the difficult coronavirus circumstances which have ultimately prevented me from even visiting this girl for over a year (there are travel restrictions banning me from even entering the country). The relationship has been very volatile, lots of fighting and breaking up and getting back together. The root of this, in my opinion, is her still emotionally volatile state (she has admitted having difficulty regulating her emotions due to trauma) and me feeling like I have reached my limits in being able to support and help her. As horrible as this might sound, after the stress of the past few years I am completely burnt out with her problems (of which there are many), and I have been seeing a counsellor to deal with some of my own trauma from it all. But she still leans on my very heavily and whenever I try to set a boundary or have said there’s something I can’t do she has tended to take it very very badly. I'm sure she would have a different side but that's mine. 

On the other hand however, there have been some nice conversations too when the girl I fell in love with really shine through – it makes me miss her a lot. She has also been seeing a counsellor/working on herself for quite some time, and her depression is somewhat better than it was - even though she is still wrestling with this trauma etc and will sometimes call me up in floods of tears and extremely upset. She got herself an ok job and was working for a few months before coronavirus  struck when she quit her job (she lives with someone who is high risk).  She has acknowledged and apologised for sometimes taking her pain out on me, and for the stress she put me through. We are technically not together at this point but she has told me she wants us to work towards repairing the relationship, getting married and having a family (things I desperately tried to get us to do years ago). I have said that I love her very much and always will, but given the volatility and emotional rollercoaster I am feeling a bit confused and need to think about things.

- I can't help but think that it's been FIVE years, and we are still in the same situation as when we met basically. She says it’s due to coronavirus and things would be different otherwise (she would still be working, we could see one another etc) but I’m not so sure.

- Life is short, we’re now in our 30s. I’m lonely and beyond sick of being long distance. I want a family and to move on in life. She told me things would be different in 2018 but here we are...am I going to end up in my 40s and still in this situation?? She is also a bit older than me and to be brutally honest, I’m concerned about the relatively small window of time we have to even have children (she is 35 now).

-  She is in a very weak position career-wise/financially, and even if the relationship is repaired, the pressure to provide and make it work practically seems like it will fall on me.

- I’m worried her mental issues have always been there under the surface, and if we get married this will be something I will always have to deal with. eg what if we have kids and she goes through a major depressive/suicidal/unstable episode? She sometimes talks as though when we’re together etc everything will be fine, but I’m not convinced.

On the other hand, I have NEVER found anyone I clicked with or was so attracted to as much as this girl. On so many levels she was perfect for me and I really saw myself starting a family with her. She has so many rare qualities that I find so attractive and we are very compatible sexually. I think back to those first few months we had together and worry I won’t find anyone else like her, or worse end up alone. What if she is/was “the one”? After all we’ve been through maybe it’s wrong to give up now? Maybe we were so close? The thought of starting over with someone new is incredibly daunting and I haven’t found anyone I really click with in the same way I did with her. My friends and family worry about me and want me to be dating (though they don’t know the complete story), my counsellor thinks I should be moving on, but something is preventing me from closing the door on this girl altogether. As such I’m in this ‘half in, half out’ state that is probably much worse than either committing to her 100% or moving on. 

How do I even begin to make this decision? It's tearing me apart Any advice or help greatly appreciated

 

[Gaeta]

Oh dear, 

My heart goes to you. You are a good man and you were a good boyfriend, you gave it your best and some extra, but now is time to let go. The risks involved here are too high, she's been battling this for 3 years it's a permanent situation, it's a illness that will come and go for the rest of her life. What if it hits again while pregnant? or nursing a new born? or with toddlers running around? You already see the trouble in the horizon, don't ignore it. We're talking about uprooting yourself for something very very risky. Also it's pretty long immigrating in Canada. My ex was from Europe and it took 5 years for his permanent residency. For you it's another 5 years dealing with work permit, not allowed to simple credit or mortgage. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

On the other hand, I have NEVER found anyone I clicked with or was so attracted to as much as this girl. On so many levels she was perfect for me and I really saw myself starting a family with her. She has so many rare qualities that I find so attractive and we are very compatible sexually. I think back to those first few months we had together and worry I won’t find anyone else like her, or worse end up alone.

But that doesn't represent the majority of the relationship, does it?

You can't hang your future on the honeymoon-version of a person, OP.  I am not saying she's all bad, but you're hanging on to something that doesn't really correspond to the long-term reality of a relationship with her. The first few months are generally always great. But as honeymoon sparks wear off, we meet the true person. That's where you need to be re-framing this. The sad truth is that she's not an emotionally-stable person, and while the first fraction of your relationship was lovely, the rest of it has been volatile and dysfunctional. You've been clinging too hard to that sliver of her overall character. 

If what you have right now with her (and have had with her, throughout most of the past few years) is the person you will get if you marry her, can you live with that? Because it's far more probable that you will wind up with some variation of this true version of herself, rather than the person you desperately want her to be. 

[Fletch Lives]

Most long distance relationships don't work out. Plus, if you don't know after five years, that means it's a "no"

[agonyandirony]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Oh dear, 

My heart goes to you. You are a good man and you were a good boyfriend, you gave it your best and some extra, but now is time to let go. The risks involved here are too high, she's been battling this for 3 years it's a permanent situation, it's a illness that will come and go for the rest of her life. What if it hits again while pregnant? or nursing a new born? or with toddlers running around? You already see the trouble in the horizon, don't ignore it. We're talking about uprooting yourself for something very very risky. Also it's pretty long immigrating in Canada. My ex was from Europe and it took 5 years for his permanent residency. For you it's another 5 years dealing with work permit, not allowed to simple credit or mortgage. 

Thank you, it sucks  On a logical level, I know I should probably walk away as the risks are too great. But when things are good and she's being sweet, or telling me she wants to start a family and that she loves me etc, it's so hard not to be affected by that when it's everything I wanted for so long  

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

Most long distance relationships don't work out. Plus, if you don't know after five years, that means it's a "no"

Thanks, I was aware of this fact but I guess I thought that we were different. I've lived with her for up to 6 months at a time so I guess it wasn't all long distance but the fact it hasn't progressed after five years seems like a sign to me on a logical level at least (my heart says otherwise unfortunately). 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

 it's so hard not to be affected by that when it's everything I wanted for so long  

And you will obtain all this with someone else. Someone local, solid, that you will fall for and experience a healthy relationship with. Someone you can count on and lean on, like a normal couple. You've spent the past 3 years or so playing shrink to this woman, once you're out of this  you will resent yourself for not cutting your bridge earlier. 

Edited February 22, 2021 by Gaeta

[agonyandirony]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But that doesn't represent the majority of the relationship, does it?

You can't hang your future on the honeymoon-version of a person, OP.  I am not saying she's all bad, but you're hanging on to something that doesn't really correspond to the long-term reality of a relationship with her. The first few months are generally always great. But as honeymoon sparks wear off, we meet the true person. That's where you need to be re-framing this. The sad truth is that she's not an emotionally-stable person, and while the first fraction of your relationship was lovely, the rest of it has been volatile and dysfunctional. You've been clinging too hard to that sliver of her overall character. 

If what you have right now with her (and have had with her, throughout most of the past few years) is the person you will get if you marry her, can you live with that? Because it's far more probable that you will wind up with some variation of this true version of herself, rather than the person you desperately want her to be. 

I definitely could not live with things being as they were for a lot of the last 3 years. I guess she spins it as though all this is temporary - eg her mental health issues are because of the things that 'triggered' her trauma. Her financial situation is only because of COVID etc. It's as though she's saying the honeymoon-version IS her true self, and all these other issues are to blame...once XYZ happens it will all be like it was. This is something I really WANT to believe but it doesn't sit well with me. Sometimes I think she plays the victim and passes responsibility (in other situations as well, not just with me). Either way it's a bit of an internal battle for me between what I want to believe and what the evidence suggests. I want to believe her, but the stakes are quite high and there has not been a lot of improvement so far 😐 I just want to make the right decision. 

[smackie9]

The biggest misconception is people think by helping someone going through mental/emotional problems will make things better and bring you closer together...wrong. It enables the issues, causes codependency, and if they do come out of it, they often grow past the person they depended on, and leave the relationship.

I believe things happen for a reason. "The one" hasn't been discovered yet. Just a tip: the one doesn't mean there is only one. There are lots out there, that potentially can be "the one". You have been chasing this long enough. I am so sorry you suffer from such heartbreak, and it's a difficult decision, but when it's 5 years in, and it's this hopeless....change would be the best for the both of you so you can move on.

Edited February 22, 2021 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

But when things are good and she's being sweet, or telling me she wants to start a family and that she loves me etc,

Sure, except you’ve had 10% great and 90% really hard. 

You are her boyfriend, not her counsellor. This woman was so unwell she quit her job, moved back with her parents, and she has struggled for years. Think about how you are feeling now and imagine how that would feel, dealing with someone with significant mental health issues on a daily basis for years. Is this really what you want for your life? 

You have gone above and beyond... but as smackie, says, you can’t love this woman back to good mental health. These are serious, long term issues that she is struggling with - not likely to be resolved such that she will become a stable and long term partner for you. I’m sorry. 

Time is passing you by, I would ask one of those local girls out on a date. Give yourself a chance - you may be surprised how nice it is to be in a relationship with a woman who has good mental health and can be a part of your daily life - in person! 

PS - Canadian girl here who has been to Glasgow - ❤️ Scotland. My family is from the north eastern highlands - Helmsdale.

Edited February 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

You are fooling yourself if you think that this woman is "the one."  I'm sorry but she's not.  You have had a very unhealthy and counterproductive approach to this relationship.  You cannot help her work on these mental problems.  You are not her therapist.  She has not been able to function in a relationship for a long time because of her emotional issues, but you've been thinking that you can console her and fix her.  That was your first mistake.  

You are wasting SO MUCH time on this bad relationship.

5 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

-There are a few local girls that have expressed an interest in me, but I haven't taken it any further. It feels like life is passing me by. 

My goodness.  Date the local girls!!!!!!!  Life is too short to waste it like this.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

she spins it as though all this is temporary

Except it’s been years...

[d0nnivain]

You are not moving on because you haven't made the choice to move on.  Between the immigration issues & her mental health this should be a a simple decision.  It's not going to work.  You just keep dreaming & not dealing with reality.  Now in Covid when everybody is locked down & unhappy, you long for her even more.  She does play the victim & you know it.  You just want that not to be true; you want to buy into her self deception but you do that at your own peril. You have created this fairytale.  It's not.  

Slam the door once & for all & move forward.  That is all there is.   date the local girls.  Once you become invested there, you will forget about her. 

Edited February 22, 2021 by d0nnivain

[agonyandirony]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The biggest misconception is people think by helping someone going through mental/emotional problems will make things better and bring you closer together...wrong. It enables the issues, causes codependency, and if they do come out of it, they often grow past the person they depended on, and leave the relationship.

I believe things happen for a reason. "The one" hasn't been discovered yet. Just a tip: the one doesn't mean there is only one. There are lots out there, that potentially can be "the one". You have been chasing this long enough. I am so sorry you suffer from such heartbreak, and it's a difficult decision, but when it's 5 years in, and it's this hopeless....change would be the best for the both of you so you can move on.

I think thats fair, but we all go through mental/emotional problems of varying degrees, so I guess sometimes it's difficult to know when to draw the line...even more so when a number of years has passed. I definitely think there is some codependency here though

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Sure, except you’ve had 10% great and 90% really hard. 

You are her boyfriend, not her counsellor. This woman was so unwell she quit her job, moved back with her parents, and she has struggled for years. Think about how you are feeling now and imagine how that would feel, dealing with someone with significant mental health issues on a daily basis for years. Is this really what you want for your life? 

You have gone above and beyond... but as smackie, says, you can’t love this woman back to good mental health. These are serious, long term issues that she is struggling with - not likely to be resolved such that she will become a stable and long term partner for you. I’m sorry. 

Time is passing you by, I would ask one of those local girls out on a date. Give yourself a chance - you may be surprised how nice it is to be in a relationship with a woman who has good mental health and can be a part of your daily life - in person! 

PS - Canadian girl here who has been to Glasgow - ❤️ Scotland. My family is from the north eastern highlands - Helmsdale.

Thanks BaileyB, I agree with what you are saying. However, I guess when she is claiming to be working on herself and assuring me things will be different, it's difficult to know how to react to that (even if little has changed and she's made those promises before). It's terrible thinking all the pain and effort was for nothing; that I'm throwing something away just when it was *maybe** going to get better? I think those thoughts are what have kept me locked in so far, but I know I need to break through this. Very tough though! PS Awesome, I was living in BC and am tempted to move back, Canada is so beautiful!

 

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You are fooling yourself if you think that this woman is "the one."  I'm sorry but she's not.  You have had a very unhealthy and counterproductive approach to this relationship.  You cannot help her work on these mental problems.  You are not her therapist.  She has not been able to function in a relationship for a long time because of her emotional issues, but you've been thinking that you can console her and fix her.  That was your first mistake.  

You are wasting SO MUCH time on this bad relationship.

My goodness.  Date the local girls!!!!!!!  Life is too short to waste it like this.

I know, I'm trying  It is much easier said than done

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not moving on because you haven't made the choice to move on.  Between the immigration issues & her mental health this should be a a simple decision.  It's not going to work.  You just keep dreaming & not dealing with reality.  Now in Covid when everybody is locked down & unhappy, you long for her even more.  She does play the victim & you know it.  You just want that not to be true; you want to buy into her self deception but you do that at your own peril. You have created this fairytale.  It's not.  

Slam the door once & for all & move forward.  That is all there is.   date the local girls.  Once you become invested there, you will forget about her. 

Thanks, I know I need to do this but having invested so much mental/emotional labour and I guess love it is very difficult to walk away when she is saying things will be different. 

[smackie9]

The thing is tho, she's had 3 years to make a difference. When some one says "I will change, I'm working on it, yo will see." is an act of desperation. I myself have walked away from a 5 year relationship...wish I had done it sooner.

[dramafreezone]

Hate to play armchair psychiatrist but she sounds like a classic case of Borderline Personality disorder.  You're not going to fix her.  She needs psychiatric help, and no amount of you loving her is going to get her to get help.  She'll do it when she wants to.  You need to love from a distance until she gets the help she needs.

I think the kindest thing she did was not marry you and drag you even further into her misery.  No one with these type of serious psychological issues is "the one."

Edited February 23, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

it is very difficult to walk away when she is saying things will be different. 

She says a lot of things. 

But she doesn't appear to do a lot of things. 

You're both living in denial  and hanging on an illusion. This relationship has never been that good, if you zoom out. 

[Calendula]

On 2/22/2021 at 3:30 AM, Glasgowguy90 said:

The relationship has been very volatile, lots of fighting and breaking up and getting back together. The root of this, in my opinion, is her still emotionally volatile state (she has admitted having difficulty regulating her emotions due to trauma) and me feeling like I have reached my limits in being able to support and help her. As horrible as this might sound, after the stress of the past few years I am completely burnt out with her problems (of which there are many), and I have been seeing a counsellor to deal with some of my own trauma from it all. But she still leans on my very heavily and whenever I try to set a boundary or have said there’s something I can’t do she has tended to take it very very badly.

What I see here is an emotionally damaged person who is transferring her trauma to you. As ExpatInItaly points out, she has yet to actually DO what she needs to ON HER OWN in order to face her issues and fully resolve them. By riding along with her on her emotional roller coaster you've been put through the ringer and suffered trauma in turn. There is only so much a person can give before they can give no more of value. I think you may have reached your limit and passed it but have yet to fully acknowledge your reality as it is. Once you finally end things with this person (because I agree with other posters and think that you should indeed end it) you are probably going to need a fair bit of time to do some healing on your own before you're ready for another relationship.

On 2/22/2021 at 3:30 AM, Glasgowguy90 said:

After all we’ve been through maybe it’s wrong to give up now? Maybe we were so close?

18 hours ago, Glasgowguy90 said:

It's terrible thinking all the pain and effort was for nothing; that I'm throwing something away just when it was *maybe** going to get better? I think those thoughts are what have kept me locked in so far, but I know I need to break through this.

Ever heard the phrases "sunk costs are sunk" or "there's no point in throwing good money after bad." If you think of a relationship as an investment of your time and energy (and money in the case of travel and other actual costs) then this person has already had five years worth of your life invested in her. While you may feel that you have to keep investing because you've already put so much into it, this feeling isn't rational. The end point you're working towards with this person isn't a healthy one for either of you. If she really cared for you and was capable of seeing what she is putting you through and truly wanted the best for you, then she would have ended this relationship long ago instead of dragging it out. She's leading you on (probably unintentionally) by leading herself on. 

On 2/22/2021 at 3:30 AM, Glasgowguy90 said:

it's been FIVE years, and we are still in the same situation as when we met basically. She says it’s due to coronavirus and things would be different otherwise (she would still be working, we could see one another etc) but I’m not so sure.

On 2/22/2021 at 9:13 AM, Glasgowguy90 said:

I guess she spins it as though all this is temporary - eg her mental health issues are because of the things that 'triggered' her trauma. Her financial situation is only because of COVID etc. It's as though she's saying the honeymoon-version IS her true self, and all these other issues are to blame...once XYZ happens it will all be like it was.

For someone like her, at least the way you describe her, there is always a reason, an excuse, for why things didn't work and why it wasn't her fault. From what you write I think you see this but still resist accepting it. It may be that part of her emotional issues are that she really does believe these things she's dealing with (and putting you through) are beyond her control. She may HAVE TO believe that it will be better next week, next month, next year, in order to get her through her feelings of depression right now. But things aren't better NOW and until they are, until she's in a place where SHE needs to be for herself, she needs to be on her own (or at least not in a romantic relationship). You may mean well, but I don't think you're helping her by always being available because it means she DOESN'T HAVE TO CHANGE in order to have you. It also isn't fair of her to expect you to continue to wait around while she only kind of works to figure her life out. In a way, staying in her life may actually be enabling her to continue to delay and avoid completely accepting and dealing with the various problems she has. Sometimes we have to end relationships with people BECAUSE we love them and because we recognize that we aren't the right person for them and they aren't the right person for us. 

On 2/22/2021 at 3:30 AM, Glasgowguy90 said:

On the other hand, I have NEVER found anyone I clicked with or was so attracted to as much as this girl. On so many levels she was perfect for me and I really saw myself starting a family with her. She has so many rare qualities that I find so attractive and we are very compatible sexually. I think back to those first few months we had together and worry I won’t find anyone else like her, or worse end up alone. What if she is/was “the one”?

On 2/22/2021 at 3:30 AM, Glasgowguy90 said:

The thought of starting over with someone new is incredibly daunting and I haven’t found anyone I really click with in the same way I did with her.

On 2/22/2021 at 3:30 AM, Glasgowguy90 said:

something is preventing me from closing the door on this girl altogether. As such I’m in this ‘half in, half out’ state that is probably much worse than either committing to her 100% or moving on. 

How do I even begin to make this decision?

I think you, personally, may be dealing with a lot of fear and uncertainty about the next chapter in your life concerning dating new people. Facing and accepting this fear of the unknown will be crucial for you being able make a decision about ending your relationship with her and finding a way to move on with your own healing and growth. You say you haven't found anyone you really click with, but it also seems like you may not have been looking because you've been so emotionally invested in just this one girl for the past five years. Even if opportunity showed up on your doorstep tomorrow you wouldn't be mentally prepared to see and accept or consider it.

The thought of being alone can be scary, but it is MUCH worse to be lonely and feel alone while still being in a relationship with someone. Just look through some of the forums on LS and you'll see examples of this. I think you eventually have to consider "opportunity costs" in this circumstance. So long as you're focusing your time, emotions, and energy on this one person, who you rationally KNOW isn't a good relationship choice, you won't have the capacity to build something with someone new.

The world is full of worthy people, people emotionally ready to be in a healthy relationship, and the numbers can work in your favor if you let them. Each of those new individuals, however, would require their own unique adaptations from you. In my opinion, relationships aren't about finding just the right, perfect person, but rather finding someone you can see yourself changing with and adapting to as you both grow old together. And that person has to be willing and ready to adapt and change with you as well. Your current girl isn't in a place to do this and she may never be. You, however, seem ready to do this, as you've shown by being the one to adapt to her, constantly and for a long period of time. And it has cost you more than you really had available to give.  Let this one go, take some time to heal, and give yourself a chance to find someone better.  BELIEVE that you can find someone new and open yourself to local possibilities. You deserve a healthy, stable relationship but you will have to work through your fear and take risks in order to find one. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Calendula
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