Berks Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 I really need an unbiased opinion on this. Long story short the first time I met my husbands friends, one of the women hugged him (I feel) inappropriately. This happened before we got married and I addressed my concerns with him right after it happened. He couldn’t see my point at that time and recently threw it back in my face. Anyway, I felt that the hug was intentional on this woman’s part for whatever reason. It was done as we were saying goodbye in front of everyone. This was a full on hug with both hands around his neck looking up at him. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 48 minutes ago, Berks said: This happened before we got married It was done as we were saying goodbye in front of everyone. Why is this still an issue? It depends on your culture, his culture and the culture of these friends whether hugging during greetings or good byes is appropriate. You seem a bit jealous. It also sounds like a recurrent theme . Your marriage is really the problem and you need to address current issues, not keep bringing up events from the past, that were probably not inappropriate in the first place, since everyone was there. Marriage therapy may help you address the real issues here. Edited February 22, 2021 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 That sounds like more than a friendly hug so I see how this could make you jelous. If it helps, he loves you so is monogamous with you and that hug means nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 I think so but, was probably unintentional on her end. I am sure she meant no harm. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Why is this still an issue? Is this woman still a big part of his life? Are there any other signs there may be more to this than meets the eye? Plenty OWs on the OW forum have stuck by their man, even when he gets married to another woman... Friends then lovers then when he gets married, she becomes the OW... Unless drunk or out to cause trouble, she was giving you and him a message here which he still seeks to deny... Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Berks Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 It’s not an issue really in the marriage. This is more of a question on instincts. I feel that this woman was sending a message or just trying to trigger a reaction out of me. It’s not that his friend hugged him, it was more so how she hugged him and looked at me afterwards. It was no side hug. It was a full on both arms wrapped around his neck. I do feel like she liked him but he doesn’t pick up on cues well (IMO) or at all really. I think he would say that I make a big deal out of nothing and I would say he’s totally oblivious to things that are going on in front of his face. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 My guess is he is being deliberately obtuse. Believe me, he noticed... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 I guess my question is, "why is this a problem suddenly now?" If it's happened in the past, why is that being brought up now? Are they still friends or is something happening that's triggering this line of questioning? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Friendly public hugs in front of lots of people are usually just fine IMO. Some sort of grinding; rubbing / massaging hands during the hug: butt groping; or bumping uglies are all problematic. What you describe seems just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 12 hours ago, Berks said: This was a full on hug with both hands around his neck looking up at him. I think the real issue here is that you feel this was ("somewhat heavy") flirting, rather than "just a hug". From the description, I see what you mean. Light hugs are not inappropriate generally in US/Western cultures. (Of course there is some variance to this.) However this was not an appropriate hug. So, it sounds to me like the reason this made you angry is because this woman was flirting with him in a public setting with you there. Whether it was sending a message or something else - well, one can only guess. Maybe she was just in a good mood and got "carried away" a bit. Who knows. I'd say if there is no evidence this was more than one time flirting and isn't getting repeated on some regular basis, just let bygones be bygones. Deal with him bringing it up now the way you would with any transitory grouchiness/rudeness from your partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 19 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said: I guess my question is, "why is this a problem suddenly now?" If it's happened in the past, why is that being brought up now? Are they still friends or is something happening that's triggering this line of questioning? I wonder the same thing. When Berks wrote that the woman doing the hugging then looked at her, my first thought was to form negative conclusions about the woman. To think that it was probably a competitive "I hope this is annoying you,making you feel insecure" glance. However, it could just as easily be a "whoops.. maybe that was a bit inappropriate.." glance Or it could even have been a huggy person's "hey Berks, I'm going to hug you now. Uh oh, on second thoughts that look on your face suggests to me that I'd better not..." Without being there and knowing about the woman in question, it's impossible and possibly very unhelpful to speculate on that tiny snapshot from the past. There's no information about why this incident has now been resurrected, and if it were me that's what I would be wanting to explore. Why is he bringing this incident up now? Why is it relevant to things that are going on today? I would have thought that was the most pressing issue, rather than trying to analyse a brief hug that happened some undefined period of time ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaraSays Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 What evidence do you have of wrong-doing? What factual things can you point to to justify your suspicions? If a stranger had observed what happened, do you believe they'd have rwacted as you have? There is a lot of conjecture above, but that's a made up story we tell ourselves, we fill-in blanks with mistruths and exaggerations. Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 Keep up this type of attitude with your husband and you're relationship will be ruined, you're being ridiculous, you are just placing yourself in a low value view as well, eventually, you'll then just be, low value to him at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Men and women who are good friends hug each other. I certainly hug all of my women friends. One of my best women friends came to visit me a couple of years ago with her husband. You better believe I gave her a good sendoff hug ... and did the same to him as well. What did you expect them to do, shake hands? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 On 2/23/2021 at 7:39 AM, Taramere said: Without being there and knowing about the woman in question, it's impossible and possibly very unhelpful to speculate on that tiny snapshot from the past. There's no information about why this incident has now been resurrected, and if it were me that's what I would be wanting to explore. Why is he bringing this incident up now? Why is it relevant to things that are going on today? I would have thought that was the most pressing issue, rather than trying to analyse a brief hug that happened some undefined period of time ago. I just quoted part of this post but agree with the entirety of it. To give advice you really had to have been there. The part about full on hug with arms around neck looking into his face is a bit suspect to me. I have a generic hug I give men and it may last a little longer with someone I haven't seen in a long while or something like that. I'm never going to hug a man full on with my face looking into his. Mostly the hugs I see other women giving men are similar to my generic hugs. I'd be suspicious of something out of the ordinary. I was out at a bar/restaurant with a bf many years ago and we ran into one of his patients who gave him a quick hip to hip bump. It was brief but I knew she was inappropriate and told him so which he agreed with. Turns out they were having an affair at the time and guess they each knew they'd be there at that time. If you're not the jealous type you know whether or not something was wrong with her hug. But, there's not a lot you can do about it if your H refuses to acknowledge or discuss it even it it was inappropriate. OTOH, I know a woman here who is a lovely person yet makes a public scene if a woman is friendly to her bf. I've seen her turn into the devil for no reason I could tell but figured the woman she was furious with must have done something I didn't know about. Then later at another event went to greet her bf with a generic type one arm hug (was a friendly group, we all knew each other) keeping our bodies apart and he stiffened up. I felt horrible and I felt sorry for him. I had absolutely no interest in him at all. Back to your H, though. If he allows other inappropriate behaviors you may have a problem on your hands especially if he won't acknowledge it or deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 21 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: I was out at a bar/restaurant with a bf many years ago and we ran into one of his patients who gave him a quick hip to hip bump. It was brief but I knew she was inappropriate and told him so which he agreed with. Turns out they were having an affair at the time and guess they each knew they'd be there at that time. I was on a works night out with a co worker who I knew was having an affair and the hugs he gave to that girl on meeting were always a bit more "intimate" than the normal hugs he gave to friends. That night, he met by chance this other girl he knew and I noticed the hugs given to her were exactly the same intimate hug he gave to his known OW... I thought, Hmmm... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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