Good friend or bad friend?

[MsJayne]

So, I have a female friend who is very vivacious and flirtatious. Last night she stayed over at my place, and during the evening she's a bit flirty with my partner, she's always like that, but last night he's responding a little too much for my comfort.  So later on when he's inside tidying up dinner stuff and out of earshot, I tell her that I was annoyed, I found it inappropriate, and that I suspected that he sometimes does things like this to get a jealous reaction from me as some sort of reassurance or ego boost. She then tells me that, one night months ago when her partner had told my boyfriend to "stay away from my woman", (bit drunk, a jealous guy, at the time I thought he was being a jerk and was sure my BF didn't do anything inappropriate), that my BF was in fact out of line that night and her BF had reason to be angry. She tells me this in the context of saying , "Oh, that explains why he did what he did that night R__ had a go at him".  So, she's telling me that my partner was giving her the come on. 

I was awake half the night turning this over in my head. I'm not normally a jealous or suspicious person, and I can't stand relationship drama, but felt the situation needed something to be said. So, this morning I told my BF that I am angry and that I will explain later when I have time to talk. As I left for work this morning I popped my head in her room and said goodbye, etc, and told her I was angry about what she'd told me last night, and that I'm going to speak to my partner about it. Her face fell a mile. 

A bit of background which may or may not be relevant;  The first time this friend met my partner it was at my house. She, her BF, and I were sitting out on the deck at the back of my house and my brand new BF was due to arrive. When he did turn up, before I could even stand up to go to the front door, she leapt up and rushed, (literally ran), all the way through the house to the door, opened it, and welcomed him, flinging her arms around him - she'd never met him before and she was all over him. I thought this was just plain weird and incredibly rude, (and so did he), but wrote it off as her exuberance getting a little carried away and chose to ignore it.  She spent the rest of that afternoon ignoring her own partner and focusing on my new BF, until he said something about her not letting other people speak, and then she big time cracked it and went into a sulk. She's never liked him since. Never outright said she doesn't like him, but I just know she doesn't. Recently BF and I have had some teething problems regarding living together, and a couple of weeks ago I mentioned something to her that had caused a tiff between BF and I, and she said to me , "I just don't think he's the right guy for you". I didn't ask for her advice or her opinion, I was just having a little vent as you do with girlfriends, and when she said that my immediate thought was, "I shouldn't have told you that".  Also perhaps relevant, in the two years I've known her she has lost two female friends, (they didn't know each other, so two separate incidents), both literally just stopped speaking to her with no explanation.  

Anyway, I am at this moment quite confused.  My partner can be a tool in some ways like most people, but lying isn't his gig, and I don't believe he's a player or I wouldn't have invited him to move in. I don't have a whole lot of female friends who live near enough to hang out, so I would hesitate to end a friendship over trivial stuff, but somehow I feel this isn't trivial. 

 

[d0nnivain]

Put the blame in the right place:  your BF was inappropriate.  Maybe your friend should not have flirted but him responding is your real problem.  I'd keep the friend but more distance in here & ditch the guy.  

[MsJayne]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Put the blame in the right place:  your BF was inappropriate.  Maybe your friend should not have flirted but him responding is your real problem.  I'd keep the friend but more distance in here & ditch the guy.  

Yes, but so was she, and has been numerous times since I've known her.  Something that has been bugging me for quite a while is that she so obviously thinks herself superior to other women, always dishing out unsolicited advice and pretending to be an expert at everything, eg: last night we were originally going to yoga but I decided not to being as it was so hot and the air con in the yoga studio isn't adequate and makes it pretty unpleasant, and when I said "Lets give it a miss, it's too hot, I'll go Wednesday instead", she immediately says, "We can do it here. I can make up an hour yoga class and you can follow".  Just the rude assumption that I'm incapable of doing yoga at home without her to tell me what to do really got up my nose. This is just a small example of how she is with everything. I actually felt last night that she considers me so insignificant that it's perfectly OK to flirt with my partner as if I'm not even there.  Maybe I should ditch both of them 🤔

[LivingWaterPlease]

Maybe branch out a little and find some new friends but still keep her as a friend, just not see her as much? Sounds to me as if you need a little break from her.

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps you should ditch both of them but for different reasons.  

[Watercolors]

I agree. I think you need to consider ending that friendship and breaking up with your boyfriend. Neither of them sound like they respect or even like you. 

 

[Starswillshine]

Sounds like she is the attention needy type and needs to get attention for her self value. I have had friends like this; they don't stay friends for long.

I would speak to your BF. If you have made him aware of how uncomfortable this makes you before and he continued on, it may be time to reevaluate him. Especially if this happens in front of you. What happens when this type is around when you aren't? 

[Gaeta]

20 hours ago, MsJayne said:

 but last night he's responding a little too much for my comfort. 

That is the real issue here. 

Your friend can be flirty and provocative all she wants, it's how your bf handles it that is important. 

Responding to her flirting under your roof, after eating your food  that you spend time preparing, is very disrespectful. Now, keep in mind if he did that under your roof how he would see no problem doing it elsewhere when you're not there. 

I would drop the friend, I personally wouldn't be able to deal with someone like her. 

As for the boyfriend you might regret not dumping him.

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t know MsJane you’ve always come off to me as no BS and low tolerance for it. I don’t know why you would put up with a guy who would flirt with your friend out of interest or even just to make you jealous. Doesn’t sound respectful. 

[MsJayne]

Thanks everyone for input. So last night I had to raise the subject with my partner, and he apologised unreservedly before I'd even really started and admitted he felt like a bit of a fool, and I will say that it's out of character for him which was probably why I was rather confused and shocked by it. He can, as I said, be a little insecure and sometimes engages in a bit of attention-seeking reassurance, but behind the fragile male-ego stuff is a very affectionate and loyal partner and I'm only joking when I say I might get rid of him. The issue is really my girlfriend and her rather needy ego. I spent yesterday thinking through the episode, (and garnering advice from trusted friends, and LS'ers  ),  and while I don't excuse him playing back to her naughty little coquette act, the good thing is that he realised without me telling him that he'd been reeled in without even paying attention to what was actually going on. She does this with all men, and I have watched her deliberately provoking her own partner several times since I've known her, and I've previously let it slide when she's played up to my guy because I trust him and have never felt threatened by it before. But there was something different going on the other night, and I suddenly realised why, over the last two years, no fewer than 5 other female friends have cut her out of their lives, two very suddenly without any explanation, (and one of them a professional psychologist - that one got me thinking). I've had words with her this morning, and to be honest, after much pondering, I'm not much fussed about our friendship because as time's gone on I very much  get the impression that she has very little respect for other people, including me and including her partner.  Also she tried to gaslight me, telling me I "misunderstood" -  gas-lighting is a red rag to a bull to me 🙄.  And, I must also mention this...... he told me that while I was inside making a salad she'd sat cross-legged opposite him on her chair giving him an eyeful.  Body language darling, body language 😬   So, game over!  

[Gaeta]

I'm glad you're dumping the friend. I can't see how that friendship added value to your life. Boyfriend made  some realization, it was a good productive day 😉

 

[MsJayne]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm glad you're dumping the friend. I can't see how that friendship added value to your life. Boyfriend made  some realization, it was a good productive day 😉

 

She was great fun at first, the undermining started gradually and has kind of snowballed, in the same way that abusive relationships with men develop. 

[Watercolors]

42 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

She was great fun at first, the undermining started gradually and has kind of snowballed, in the same way that abusive relationships with men develop. 

Glad to read that you have decided to chuck that friendship with her. She sounds like such a nightmare, considering she's lost other female friends for pulling the same crap with them and their boyfriends that she did with you and yours. AND, thank god your boyfriend had the common sense to fess up to liking her attention while knowing it was wrong for him to do that b/c it hurt your feelings. Keep him in line, Jayne!