I'm a mess!

[Stacey]

This is from one of the "older" generation so be kind! I've been married for 17 years and our sex life over those years has been very sporadic at best and there have been a few times when I have said I was going to leave and never did. We talked about counseling and he would not go. Then he said he would, by himself, and never did. I've offered over the years to go anytime, he never wants to. So I've been a very unhappy person, sexually, for a very long time. I'm 46 years old, attractive and in good shape - I'm often told I don't look any older than 30-35 years old.

 

I met a guy (16 years younger than me) about 6 months ago at a restaurant my husband and I go to quite a bit. After 6 months of flirting and innuendo, I found myself very attracted to this younger guy in a sexual way and it was mutual.

 

About a month ago, we found ourselves in a situation where we both were alone and we ended up kissing a little. We stopped before things got out of hand. After that, we met a few times and things got a little heavier but we have always stopped before it was too late.

 

One day last week my husband was out of town, his wife was out of town and we made plans to contact each other later that day to set up a time and place to meet to do something we both probably should not do. I waited and waited and waited and he never called. I have not heard from him since and I know he is avoiding me.

 

Prior to this he always told me to page him, call him, whatever, whenever. That I was the one who would set the pace and he would make himself available whenever I could be. I think I called his bluff when we had the opportunity to carry things further and it scared him. I've tried to contact him a few times, he never replies.

 

The problem is, how do I forget about this guy? He seemed to be very interested. Let's face it, attracting someone so much younger than myself was a real ego trip for me but now all I feel is used and lied to and I feel like a stupid fool. I want to forget this guy and write him off but I also want to force him to face me and explain why he treated me so badly.

 

It's been a long time since I've felt good about myself and, although I know getting any further involved is very wrong, having someone like this interested in me was, in a crazy way, sort of healing. But now I feel emotionally raw and totally confused. I still want to know why he would act like he was so very interested and then all of a sudden just stop all contact with me totally and completely.

 

Any advice? Should I push it until he is forced to face me and explain or just write it off to my own stupidity and foolishness?

 

Additionally, as a result of this, I have found myself throwing myself at my husband, maybe because I am so frustrated! He seems very pleased and surprised after all of our years of very sporadic sex but I have to force myself to act like I am enjoying myself with my husband when I really wish I'd had the opportunity to make love with this other guy! What a mess!!

[bethbonnie]

This is from one of the "older" generation so be kind! I've been married for 17 years and our sex life over those years has been very sporadic at best and there have been a few times when I have said I was going to leave and never did. We talked about counseling and he would not go. Then he said he would, by himself, and never did. I've offered over the years to go anytime, he never wants to. So I've been a very unhappy person, sexually, for a very long time. I'm 46 years old, attractive and in good shape - I'm often told I don't look any older than 30-35 years old. I met a guy (16 years younger than me) about 6 months ago at a restaurant my husband and I go to quite a bit. After 6 months of flirting and innuendo, I found myself very attracted to this younger guy in a sexual way and it was mutual.

 

About a month ago, we found ourselves in a situation where we both were alone and we ended up kissing a little. We stopped before things got out of hand. After that, we met a few times and things got a little heavier but we have always stopped before it was too late. One day last week my husband was out of town, his wife was out of town and we made plans to contact each other later that day to set up a time and place to meet to do something we both probably should not do. I waited and waited and waited and he never called. I have not heard from him since and I know he is avoiding me. Prior to this he always told me to page him, call him, whatever, whenever. That I was the one who would set the pace and he would make himself available whenever I could be. I think I called his bluff when we had the opportunity to carry things further and it scared him. I've tried to contact him a few times, he never replies. The problem is, how do I forget about this guy? He seemed to be very interested. Let's face it, attracting someone so much younger than myself was a real ego trip for me but now all I feel is used and lied to and I feel like a stupid fool. I want to forget this guy and write him off but I also want to force him to face me and explain why he treated me so badly. It's been a long time since I've felt good about myself and, although I know getting any further involved is very wrong, having someone like this interested in me was, in a crazy way, sort of healing. But now I feel emotionally raw and totally confused. I still want to know why he would act like he was so very interested and then all of a sudden just stop all contact with me totally and completely. Any advice? Should I push it until he is forced to face me and explain or just write it off to my own stupidity and foolishness? Additionally, as a result of this, I have found myself throwing myself at my husband, maybe because I am so frustrated! He seems very pleased and surprised after all of our years of very sporadic sex but I have to force myself to act like I am enjoying myself with my husband when I really wish I'd had the opportunity to make love with this other guy! What a mess!!

 

Hi, I will promise to be kind in my answer..but will hopefully be respected for saying the things you need to hear, and not what you would like to hear. Firstly, I congratulate you for not going further than you did even when the opportunity was there...for your sake and your long years of marriage. It is totally human to be flattered by the attraction of someone who is that many years younger...but also wisdom to put aside the emotions and look at the reality of it all. Due to the lack of frequent sexual intimacy between you and your husband, you sound 'love starved', emotionally and physically. You are EXTREMELY vunerable at the moment because of this, and when we as humans are hungry, it is quite natural for us to be deceived into looking for 'food' ... regardless of where it may be found or comes from... and in your vunerable state...it would be easy to throw caution to the wind. This other man you mentioned would have noticed your 'looking to be needed and loved' eyes..and the only thing that would have set him off...would have been his male tetestrone levels, selfishly wanting to be satisfied, with no regard to the committment of marriage he or you were in. I feel it is a blessing in disguise that his attention toward you has dwindled...because I can promise you, no matter how long this 'affair' would have lasted, you would have ended up feeling much more used and foolish than what you do now, and to add to it all, a bucket of guilt, which for your sake (going further sexually I mean) did not reach that stage. Do you still feel 'attracted' toward your husband? Do you still love him? The candle of romance may at times become dim, but it is up to the two people involved to ignite the flame if they notice it starting to dim...and there are as many ways as they choose to be creative to ignite it again. For the mean- time, be very kind to yourself...treat yourself, if you can afford to in a monetary sense or time, to something you have always promised to buy yourself...or invest in some regular beauty parlour massages, or pampering...this will make you feel good. Anything to make you feel good will benefit you. To address this current issue with this 'other' man...forgive yourself first, learn from the experience of it and recognise that you were in a very vunerable state of mind and promise to never disrespect yourself that way ever again. Running into the arms of someone else never resolves the problem between you and your partner, it is only a 'bandaid' ....that covers the real issues over. When that bandaid either wears off or washes off, the reality of what was covered over is still there...nothing has changed. Its like going to the doctor after keeping a bandaid over a wound for months, by the time the doctor eventually gets to treat it, the cure for it may be even more complicated, and the healing will most probably take longer. Whether your husband chooses to attend a relationships counsellor or not, you need to go for yourself. When you find a good couselllor to give you some insight to how you are feeling and why, it will be invaluable to equip you enough to approach your marital concerns. Focus on the positive things you admire and notice toward to husband, complement him as often is necessary.... one of my favourite sayings, that I personnally found to be true, is 'when we change, others around us will change'. Forget about this other man, put it behind you and at least for the now...find a nice affirmation in a card store that will remind you how special you really are... take care...from bethbonnie..Australia

[Stacey]

Thanks so much for your very kind words and your help. I know that what you are saying is true, wise and right and I will do my best to follow your very good advice.

[bethbonnie]

Thanks so much for your very kind words and your help. I know that what you are saying is true, wise and right and I will do my best to follow your very good advice.

 

Stacey, if you ever need to talk, email me anytime, would love to be a friend there for you in time of need...

 

[Michael]

I was involved with a woman who was in your situation. We became friends first. Became very close, lots of romance and kissing and talking , wanting to but never sleeping together. Her married life of 18 years (married young)was enough until she decided that she was missing something. We ended up as friends as she felt incredibly guilty and was tired of not being able to act on her feelings. We remained friends -not seeing each other for 2 years but still talking . Now she is in the same boat again with an older man (13 yrs older) where I am an excercise nut (bodybuilder) and social drinker, non smoker.He is a heavy drinker, smoker, out of shape (very different types of men ). Until the problem is fixed it will continue.My point is that all the advice in the world from friends did not help her but in my opinion counseling would have. It will only continue and the next time you meet someone you are attracted to. You will be confused again. Whether professionally or personally you and your husband need to work this out. An unfixed problem will stay unfixed.

 

Hope this helps a little.

[Stacey]

Mike:

 

I feel you are very right - it is a situation that needs to be resolved one way or another. The initial thrill I felt being attractive to someone else was quickly replaced by one of feeling used and useless once this guy apparently decided he'd made a mistake himself and just stopped all contact with me. As bethbonnie said, it is really a blessing in disguise because if he hadn't dropped me like a hot potato for unknown reasons, we might have done something we both would have deeply regretted.

 

Fooling around on the side is never a good replacement for resolving my own marital problems whatever direction that may take.

 

I have to admit that I somewhat resent that everyone advises me to get counseling when it is very apparent to me that my husband is the one with the problem in terms of our sexual life together. I have begged on my knees for him to do something, anything to help us get out of this mess. It has gone on for so very long that I feel it is not going to ever be resolved. I understand that my actions lately are the result of being ignored by my husband for a very long time and that I was (and still am) very vunerable. I don't think I need a counselor to tell me what I already know - I'm vunerable, unwanted and frustrated to think that I may spend the rest of my life trying to work at something that only I am working at. I understand perfectly what prompted me to even think about sleeping with someone else - my own husband isn't interested but someone else is - that's the simple truth.

 

I have tried, more times than I can count, to "seduce" my husband over the years in many ways. He says he loves me more than anything in the world and finds me very attractive, physically and sexually, but thinks buying me a piece of jewelry or going on vacation takes the place of intimacy in our marriage. I seriously wonder if he has a very real problem with it as he seems to do just about anything but "it", thinking whatever else he does will keep me quiet and "stupid happy." I have kept myself in shape, I'm not stupid, run my own business and at 46 am still attractive. I find myself spending way too much time staring at myself in the mirror wondering what there is about me that does not attract my own husband.

 

I've thrown myself at him, cried, begged and pleaded. Unless I initiate the contact, he just goes his merry way thinking everything is just fine and I mean literally throwing myself at him. We've talked and talked until we're blue in the face, he says he's knows it's a problem, I cry, he cries and then everything remains the same until the next time I feel I can't stand it anymore and things erupt in anger and I get to resenting being treated like a room mate by a man I've devoted all these years to.

 

About five years ago, I told myself, fine, this is the way it is - I can live without any intimacy in my marriage, we have so much else but the plain truth is that nothing we "have" can ever replace the wonderful feeling of being sexually loved and treasured without having to be the one who always initiates everything. That gets very tiresome. He never complains and always seems to enjoy himself but the truth on my end is that I don't anymore. I am the one who is realizing that things have gone on this way for too long and that I want something more. I have to force myself into making love to him anymore and I'll be the first to admit that I am really not even attracted to him anymore in that way.

 

How do you get THAT back after this long? I'm just worn out trying to figure it all out and feel like I am fighting a losing battle. He is 5 years older than I am but he might was well be 20 years older. He's not kept himself in very good shape and just smiles when he sees me working out and trying to stay in shape - like, "how cute, she's working out". I resent that too - it's a two way street in physical attraction and just one more instance of me trying everything I can to attract my own husband when he does nothing to make himself attractive to me. Don't get me wrong, he's not fat, sloppy, dirty or stupid either - he's just letting life takes it own course instead of helping to steer it a little.

 

So, it's up to me to make a decision - take it or leave it? I don't really want to start my life all over again at this stage but I feel I know myself well enough to know that this situation cannot continue for the rest of my life.

[Michael]

You seem to have your mind made up. You firmly know what you want in life and what you deserve and you don't seem have it now. If you are that unhappy maybe it is time for an ultimatum. Everyone dererves to be happy. You seem to have tried everything. I believe that if two people are meant to be together they will do whatever it takes to be together. If they are not to be, one or both will be unhappy in the relationship. He will change if he feels he is losing you , if he doesn't.. is that a man you want to be with? Too many people either just settle rather than wait or be alone and/or they just end up growing apart. It happens..just a fact of life. Hard to sum up all your problems in a few paragraphs and hard to try to help in a few more. But the bottom line is this: If you are not happy you owe it to yourself to be. If this is just a phase wait it out. But if you truly are wanting something you don't have now...Your unhappiness is telling you something is very wrong. Tell him, time to change or else.

 

Just an opinion of someone trying to help.

[bethbonnie]

Stacey...I guess I never realised or addressed the issue

in regard to the 'lack of intimacy' your husband is able to give. He 'may' have a 'fear' of intimacy...or other sexual problems that he is uncomfortable to talk about.. In any case, this will be extremely frustrating for you, especially when you have a healthy, normal need for romantic and physical intimacy with your husband. I recommended to speak to a counsellor, in this case, a good 'sex therapist' ...(I'm not qualified enough to help here) ...discuss with them exactly what is or isn't happening and see if their advice is in any way helpful. In any case ...you are more than welcome correspond me for support or just to talk with someone...my email is <e-mail address removed>...take care ...bethbonnie