Did he lie to me?

[Hpchic]

So my ex of about a year and I decided to give our relationship another chance about a week and a half ago.  A point of contention in our relationship always was that I wanted children and he was unsure since he already had two.  Before getting back together I made it clear to him that I still want children and he said he would like to have one more child.  We discussed how due to my age it would have to be sooner rather than later and he was all on board.  
 

Aside from the pandemic he’s had a rough year with his business, one of his children getting very sick and his two cats are very ill as well.  I spoke on the phone with him last night and everything seemed fine (he was just tired from a busy workday).  This morning I woke up a text he sent me at 6am saying that he was at the animal hospital since midnight, one of his cats went into cardiac arrest and that he’s been up all night thinking and has realized he wants to end our relationship before it goes any further because he cannot handle another responsibility in his life and so he does not want anymore children.  He apologized and said he didn’t want to lie to me.  He said I should be with someone who wants the same things as I do.   
 

He’s approaching 50, so I understand why he wouldn’t want anymore kids.  However I don’t understand how he totally changed his mind in less than two weeks?  I feel like a fool for believing him when he told me wants one more child.  This whole week he just kept telling how much he’s missed me and how happy he was that I was back in his life, and now this.  I just don’t know what to believe right now.  Sorry just had to get this off my chest.  

[d0nnivain]

He was OK when he said yes.  But then his cat died.  He's in shock & grief.  He's retracting.  He also knows that you & he are on different paths.  He is not the man to fulfill your dream of motherhood.  

[Hpchic]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He was OK when he said yes.  But then his cat died.  He's in shock & grief.  He's retracting.  He also knows that you & he are on different paths.  He is not the man to fulfill your dream of motherhood.  

I don’t think the cat actually died (although not sure), but I get what you’re saying.

[elaine567]

I guess the shock of one of his cats suddenly being seriously ill/dying, made him realise the last thing he wants in his life is the worry and responsibility of another child.
 

[ShyViolet]

You already said at the beginning of your post that a "point of contention" in your relationship was that he was unsure about having children, but you wanted them.  So you already knew his feelings about it for a long time.  This is why when someone says they are unsure about something, you should believe them the first time instead of trying to push the issue until they give in.  It's not what they truly want and it's not likely to work.  In the end, his true feelings came out and took over.

[Hpchic]

34 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You already said at the beginning of your post that a "point of contention" in your relationship was that he was unsure about having children, but you wanted them.  So you already knew his feelings about it for a long time.  This is why when someone says they are unsure about something, you should believe them the first time instead of trying to push the issue until they give in.  It's not what they truly want and it's not likely to work.  In the end, his true feelings came out and took over.

He never told me he didn’t want them until now.  And when we agreed to try again he seemed so on board with it, even saying he would like to have a boy.  I guess I do think the events of last night coupled with what has went on with his kids this past year has made him realize he is confident in his decision that he does not want more kids.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Hpchic said:

I don’t think the cat actually died (although not sure), but I get what you’re saying.

It was his breaking point. It hurts to lose a pet and it puts things in perspective, make us questions choices we made for ourselves. 

I'm thinking he's 50, even if he was open to a 3rd child why would you want to impose that on him. Your child would go through his teen years with a father aged 65-70.

He's done you and future child a favor.

Edited February 23, 2021 by Gaeta

[Hpchic]

32 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It was his breaking point. It hurts to lose a pet and it puts things in perspective, make us questions choices we made for ourselves. 

I'm thinking he's 50, even if he was open to a 3rd child why would you want to impose that on him. Your child would go through his teen years with a father aged 65-70.

He's done you and future child a favor.

You’re right, I actually was thinking that for the past few days.  It’s just hard when you love someone to see something for what it is.  

[ExpatInItaly]

He might have figured he'd give it a go and tell you what you wanted to hear - but his heart isn't in it, ultimately. 

It's time to let him go. He's done the right thing breaking up with you, given that he knows he doesn't want more children and isn't on the same page as you. It hurts, but the next time you feel that having a child is a point of contention - that's your cue to walk. It's too big of an issue to compromise on. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened.

On/off relationships happen when two people cycle through their incompatibilities, having sex with others, then having nostalgia and dry spells and going back to exes, like comfortable old slippers.

Why cycle through more headaches and heartaches with this?

 

[Hpchic]

Update:

 

He actually texted and then called me that night apologizing for sending what he said in a text. He said he was just frustrated and upset but he still doesn’t want children. He asked me if I was sure I wanted them and I said yes, he said when things are going smoothly he’s ok with the thought of having more kids but when there’s a rough patch he’s not ok with it, so to me that mean he doesn’t want more kids. He also admitted to me he wants to retire and relax in a few years (he works very hard) and his idea of retirement doesn’t include raising a child. I told him I understood and he basically told me to let him know if I change my mind about having kids.

 

Then I spent all day Wednesday thinking if kids really are a dealbreaker for me.  I am a bit up there in age, and there’s a good possibility I won’t be able to get pregnant.  Most woman my age, say they’d like kids but it’s not a must, so maybe I should change my view point because I don’t want to have a child on my own.  Or maybe I’m just emotionally all over the place right now.

 

Anyway Wednesday night I came to the decision that I would like to continue to see him and just see what happens.  I don’t want to lose someone I care about over a hypothetical child especially when there’s a good chance it just might not be in the cards for me either way.  I texted him Wednesday  night to see if he can talk, he responded saying he had just picked up the cat and brought it to the ex’s (that’s where the cats live), I said ok.  He then asked me how I was doing, I said I was ok and asked how the cat was.  He said the cat was heavily medicated but very affectionate and seemed glad to be home, I said I was glad to hear that.  I then asked him if he could call me when he left the ex’s, he said yes.  And then he never called, so I guess maybe he did use the kid thing as an excuse after all

[Pumpernickel]

Wow - that last part is strange, given the background story. 
 

Something must’ve happened at the ex’s house maybe? I’m sorry you’re going through this. He sounds very confused. 
 

[Hpchic]

Just now, Pumpernickel said:

Wow - that last part is strange, given the background story. 
 

Something must’ve happened at the ex’s house maybe? I’m sorry you’re going through this. He sounds very confused. 
 

I don’t think anything happened and that was two days ago.  I think he just doesn’t see the point, probably told me to let him know if I change my mind in the heat of the moment but maybe deep down inside knows no matter what I say I probably want kids, only because I was so firm on the issue from day one.  
 

I do think he’s very confused and in the process he confused me.  

[Pumpernickel]

Again - I’m sorry you have to go through this again, 1 year later. How callous of him!! 
 

Do you think he might’ve been flip-flopping between you and another love interest? He broke up with you a year ago because of the “kid issue” (don’t remember how he did it (in writing, over the phone, or in person)), then came back, changed his mind about the kid issue, and then changed his mind again. 
Maybe you’re right and he did use the kid thing as an excuse to cover up another reason (woman, possibly?). 
Are his own kids grown? 
I also wonder why he “co-parents” the cat with his ex - are you sure they’re no longer together?

[Hpchic]

30 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Again - I’m sorry you have to go through this again, 1 year later. How callous of him!! 
 

Do you think he might’ve been flip-flopping between you and another love interest? He broke up with you a year ago because of the “kid issue” (don’t remember how he did it (in writing, over the phone, or in person)), then came back, changed his mind about the kid issue, and then changed his mind again. 
Maybe you’re right and he did use the kid thing as an excuse to cover up another reason (woman, possibly?). 
Are his own kids grown? 
I also wonder why he “co-parents” the cat with his ex - are you sure they’re no longer together?

No, there’s no other woman.  He’s been single since we broke up a year ago.  He told me he had a been on a few first dates but nothing went passed a second date and I believe him.  He’s always been open with me about his dating history and he’s not a liar.
 

His kids are still pretty young (not even teens yet). He’s been divorced for about 3 years the cats are about 13 and 15, and he got them when they were kittens, they live at the exes because of the children.  Nothing going on between him and his ex, she has a boyfriend and I just know they’re relationship is strictly platonic and about the kids.

I think the real issue is his life is just all over the place right now, he’s had a rough year and he’s just confused and doesn’t know what he wants, so that’s why he used the kid thing as an excuse.  Or maybe he was just missing me and once he saw me a few times he realized he didn’t want to be in a relationship again.  It’s just weird because when I was leaving his place the last time I saw him he kept asking when he would see me again.  We agreed to see each other Tuesday, and then Tuesday morning is when I got that text.  

Edited February 26, 2021 by Hpchic

[poppyfields]

48 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

I think the real issue is his life is just all over the place right now, he’s had a rough year and he’s just confused and doesn’t know what he wants, so that’s why he used the kid thing as an excuse.  Or maybe he was just missing me and once he saw me a few times he realized he didn’t want to be in a relationship again.  It’s just weird because when I was leaving his place the last time I saw him he kept asking when he would see me again.  We agreed to see each other Tuesday, and then Tuesday morning is when I got that text.  

Yeah he sounds extremely conflicted.  I mean he's in, he's out, he's off, he's on, what a total mind f***.   And it's not about having another kid.  I agree with you, it was an excuse.  

I think you're spot on about he was missing you, perhaps longing for you, you got back together (for a mere week and a half) and the same issues and feelings he had previously which broke you up a year ago reared their ugly heads, and the guy is once again "off and running."

JMO, and I sound like a broken record but the guy has commitment fears/issues, that's what this is about.

Some will say he doesn't a want a commitment "with you" and yes that's partly true, but it goes deeper than than.

His words to you were full of anxiety and conflict (and fear) and if this were me, I would wish him well and walk away.

I'm really sorry.     Best to find another guy who isn't quite so conflicted and knows what the hell he wants. 

EDIT:  Are you sure the story about his cat being sick is even true? 

 

 

Edited February 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[Hpchic]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah he sounds extremely conflicted.  I mean he's in, he's out, he's off, he's on, what a total mind f***.   And it's not about having another kid.  I agree with you, it was an excuse.  

I think you're spot on about he was missing you, perhaps longing for you, you got back together (for a mere week and a half) and the same issues and feelings he had previously which broke you up a year ago reared their ugly heads, and the guy is once again "off and running."

JMO, and I sound like a broken record but the guy has commitment fears/issues, that's what this is about.

Some will say he doesn't a want a commitment "with you" and yes that's partly true, but it goes deeper than than.

His words to you were full of anxiety and conflict (and fear) and if this were me, I would wish him well and walk away.

I'm really sorry.     Best to find another guy who isn't quite so conflicted and knows what the hell he wants. 

EDIT:  Are you sure the story about his cat being sick is even true? 

 

 

Yes, he sent me pics of the cat and everything.  He was told the cat will probably only survive another month.  

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

Yes, he sent me pics of the cat and everything.  He was told the cat will probably only survive another month.  

Okay, well at least he was being truthful about that.  There are some people with such extreme anxiety re commitment that they've been known to make up some pretty wild shyt as an excuse to avoid making one.

Anyway, I am sorry you're going  through this, do you know anything about his prior marriage, how long he was married and why it ended?

Assuming he was previously married.

[Hpchic]

Also in our Tuesday night phone conversation when he asked if I was sure I wanted kids, I asked him what would happen if I wasn’t?  He said it would be a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.  I actually did say to him that when I saw his initial text I thought he might’ve been using the kid thing as an excuse and he said “of course not, why wouldn’t I want to be with you? you’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re honest, you’re just amazing”. So who knows

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

Also in our Tuesday night phone conversation when he asked if I was sure I wanted kids, I asked him what would happen if I wasn’t?  He said it would be a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.  I actually did say to him that when I saw his initial text I thought he might’ve been using the kid thing as an excuse and he said “of course not, why wouldn’t I want to be with you? you’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re honest, you’re just amazing”. So who knows

So Tuesday is when he said all this and the day you planned to see each other, but you haven't heard from him since?    

If so, it's been three days!

Words mean jack s*** when not followed up by actions, what do his actions tell you?

JMO as always but I think you would be saving yourself a lot of frustration, disappointment and hurt if you chose to simply wish him (and his cat) well and walk away.

But good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

Edited February 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[Hpchic]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Okay, well at least he was being truthful about that.  There are some people with such extreme anxiety re commitment that they've been known to make up some pretty wild shyt as an excuse to avoid making one.

Anyway, I am sorry you're going  through this, do you know anything about his prior marriage, how long he was married and why it ended?

Assuming he was previously married.

He was married for 17 years, they divorced because they just grew apart, but they co-parent well.  When we got back together he told me 100% wants to get married again and said he liked being married, he only left once he became extremely unhappy in the marriage.    I think he likes the thought of marriage in theory, but doesn’t like all the commitment and responsibility that it comes with.  In his previous marriage he was the and still is the only one who supported the family, his ex wife never really worked.  And they live a very upper middle class lifestyle.  Kids are in private school, and have a bunch of extra curricular activities that cost a pretty penny.  He pays for everything, in addition to child support and alimony.  On his kids alone he spends 20k a month.  Like I said, he works very hard to afford them this lifestyle, and while he was doing extremely well financially pre-covid, he obviously took a big hit in the past year.

[Hpchic]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So Tuesday is when he said all this and the day you planned to see each other, but you haven't heard from him since?    

If so, it's been three days!

Words mean zip when not followed up by actions, what do his actions tell you?

JMO as always but I think you would be saving yourself a lot of frustration, disappointment and hurt if you chose to just wish him well and walk away.

 

 

We texted Wednesday night, and that’s when he agreed to call me when he left his ex’s but never did.  
 

I have chosen to walk away at this point.  I just feel in my gut that I haven’t heard the last of him.  He was contacting me randomly this whole past year while we were broken up too

Edited February 26, 2021 by Hpchic

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Hpchic said:

We texted Wednesday night, and that’s when he agreed to call me when he left his ex’s but never did.  
 

I have chosen to walk away at this point.  I just feel in my gut that I haven’t heard the last of him.  He was contacting me randomly this whole past year while we were broken up too

I agree.  It's up to you though.  Do you want to get caught up in a never-ending merry go round with a conflicted man, where one day/week he's off, then on, in and then out?  I have a friend who went through this with her "commitmentphobe" boyfriend for seven years.

Until one day he left and never returned after which she had a breakdown and has not dated since.  This was years ago.

It can be a bit crazy making.  I wouldn't do it, but again your call.

All the best.

[Hpchic]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I agree.  It's up to you though.  Do you want to get caught up in a never-ending merry go round with a conflicted man, where one day/week he's off, then on, in and then out?  I have a friend who went through this with her "commitmentphobe" boyfriend for seven years.

Until one day he left and never returned after which she had a breakdown and has not dated since.  This was years ago.

It can be a bit crazy making.  I wouldn't do it, but again your call.

All the best.

That’s like my biggest fear!  I’m too old to be in an on/off again relationship.  Either way I have a date tonight, so fingers crossed lol.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Hpchic said:

That’s like my biggest fear!  I’m too old to be in an on/off again relationship.  Either way I have a date tonight, so fingers crossed lol.

Excellent, have fun!!  And yeah fingers crossed.🤞