RJ : I saw pictures of my boyfriend having sex with another girl before we met.

[Six]

Hi.

My boyfriend and I met when I was 18, and he was 22. We have been dating for more than 2 years now and we are very DEEPLY in love with each others, everything is fine and we are living the perfect dream together. I don't want to picture my future without him and it's the same for him. He's honestly the perfect match for me.  It's my first real love, and he had a few gf before me but nothing really serious. He no longer has any contact with any ex gf, he is a very steady man, he doesn't talk to much people etc... I really don't have anything to worry about. I trust him. 

But one day, like maybe one year ago... I had his computer in my hands, I was searching for a movie to watch, while he was in the shower. Suddenly I am thinking "what if he has old pictures of him with girls... I MUST know." And I had an impulse, like intuition maybe ?... We sometimes take pictures of us having sex, mostly because we don't see each other really often because he lives a bit far from me. And I was worrying he did that before too. So I searched in his old photos files. Bingo. In a few seconds, I come across pictures of him having sex with a girl. 

He came back from the shower, and I told him what I saw. He's immediatly horrified and reassures me immediately ; it was before we met, it is a girl he saw only 2 times, he met her on a dating site, it was just for sex and he absolutely doesn't care about her, and never cared. Whereas I, am the love of his life. He didn't even remember he had those pictures, and deleted them right away. He says that he doesn't even remember the moment and the girl, but what he knows is that sex is 1000 times better with me and that I am way more pretty than her, that it was in a hotel and not at his house, that he did that only once, etc. So, nothing to stress about. He was really caring and reassuring, hugging me and kissing me... he is really an angel in my life.

So, as I was imagining plenty of crazy things when discovering these pictures, all these facts reassured me and I forced myself to not think about it. For one year everything was fine, I didn't think about it, sometimes it crossed my mind but nothing more. But 6 months ago, I fell into the deep hole of retroactive jealousy OCD. It is really serious. ALL of my thoughts are about his past, his sexual past, his past girlfriends... and mostly those pictures, that are a bit blurry in my head now. For 6 months straight now. I feel like it's never going to end. I know a lot of people suffer from RJ, but how do you overcome it when you saw actual PICTURES ???

Am I the only one in this case ? Can I overcome it like normal RJ ? Can I overcome it like, at all ???

I love my boyfriend so f***ing much, he is the light of my life, and it got to a point where I can't picture his face in my head without transposing it on the sexual pictures !

However, there is nothing really weird on the pictures or anything... just ordinary sex, and I remember only 3 photos, which are blurry, I don't even remember the girl's face at all. 

Is there hope for me ? Sometimes I catch myself not thinking about it tho, or not caring, but not for a very long time. I feel like it's 10 times harder when you know you actually SAW the one you love in the past... I can't stop viewing the photos in my head and creating films about it, and thinking, thinking, picturing them in front of me, forever and ever...

 

I am French so, excuse me if I'm expressing myself badly.

[Wiseman2]

You can't unsee something. You can however believe him. Maybe it was one of his first experiences with sex, so he thought it would be cool to have a picture. Kind of like someone who takes pictures the first time they try something.

Naïve. Remind yourself that we all do stupid things when we're young and think something is an adventure. He knows better now that sex is not a once in a lifetime fantasy adventure, he seems more mature.

Edited February 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

When you say "pictures" I'm not sure if you mean video, or just photos.  In any case, the circumstances that you are describing make me wonder if he took that video without the girl's knowledge.  He only saw her twice, and it was a meaningless hookup.  Was she aware that he was recording/photographing it?  

[smackie9]

You are in shock, so give yourself a break. This will take time to process. You will eventually get over it. For now you will just have to work through the reality he was having sex with other women.

[Cookiesandough]

This happened to me except on his phone . I dumped him. Messy. 

Edited February 24, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Six]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't unsee something. You can however believe him. Maybe it was one of his first experiences with sex, so he thought it would be cool to have a picture. Kind of like someone who takes pictures the first time they try something.

Naïve. Remind yourself that we all do stupid things when we're young and think something is an adventure. He knows better now that sex is not a once in a lifetime fantasy adventure, he seems more mature.

It wasn't his first time. His first time was when he was 15 with his first true girlfriend. The photos were like maybe a few months before we met. It was the last girl he had sex with, before me. When I ask him why he did that, he doesn't even know, he says "just like that". But he regrets a lot.

Edited February 24, 2021 by Six

[Six]

12 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

When you say "pictures" I'm not sure if you mean video, or just photos.  In any case, the circumstances that you are describing make me wonder if he took that video without the girl's knowledge.  He only saw her twice, and it was a meaningless hookup.  Was she aware that he was recording/photographing it?  

Just photos, fortunately ! I think I would never recover from videos. And yes, the girl was fully aware, and she agreed. Besides, we can see her looking at the phone on the photos and laughing. And my boyfriend would never do that without consent anyway. He's a good man. That is not the problem.

[Six]

10 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

This happened to me except on his phone . I dumped him. Messy. 

Did you dump him because of that ?

[d0nnivain]

I hate to break it to you but since this is your 1st "real love", odds are it won't be your last.  Yes the relationship is intense & dreamy at this point but hold your horses on forever.  You are only 20.  Get some life under your belt before you settle down.

Your BF had a life before you & he took pictures.  It's unfortunate that you found them.  Lesson for you ought to be 1).  don't snoop & 2). more importantly, when you two break up make sure you delete all the intimate photos of yourself. 

He deleted the photos.  That needs to be the end of it. 

[Six]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I hate to break it to you but since this is your 1st "real love", odds are it won't be your last.  Yes the relationship is intense & dreamy at this point but hold your horses on forever.  You are only 20.  Get some life under your belt before you settle down.

Your BF had a life before you & he took pictures.  It's unfortunate that you found them.  Lesson for you ought to be 1).  don't snoop & 2). more importantly, when you two break up make sure you delete all the intimate photos of yourself. 

He deleted the photos.  That needs to be the end of it. 

Well, maybe it won't be my last. I can't predict the future. But what I know NOW, is that there is something special, there is a strong bond, I can't describe it. We've been through a lot. We plan to have children, we have the same views on the world, we are very much alike, I feel at home when I'm with him, we hardly ever argue... it's just peace and harmony when we are together, it's a very healthy relationship. I don't want to destroy everything I have with him, to compromise something wonderful and over the long term, just to have fun with random guys and regret it later and be with someone I'm not really happy with.

It's only when I'm away from him and all alone that I start to worry and think about his past etc. Like, I can't believe some other girls have touched my man, like it's nothing. I feel like she's still there. Like a ghost... I won't snoop ever again. It was a lesson to me.

[d0nnivain]

Do you understand that your unhealthy obsession with what he did with somebody else before he met you will erode all the good things about your relationship?  You have to refocus yourself or you will kill this relationship. 

You are over 20 now.  Going forward everybody you meet will have a past.  You have to find a way to make peace with this. 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Six said:

Just photos, fortunately ! I think I would never recover from videos. And yes, the girl was fully aware, and she agreed. Besides, we can see her looking at the phone on the photos and laughing. And my boyfriend would never do that without consent anyway. He's a good man. That is not the problem.

Ok, that's good to know.

My advice is: get over it and stop obsessing over this.  This is an irrational obsession.  Everyone has a past.  The past is the past.  It's over.   If you can't stop obsessing over this then maybe you need to seek therapy.  

[Cookiesandough]

8 hours ago, Six said:

Did you dump him because of that ?

Not exactly. But not long after and it didn’t help. Dumped him because I didn’t like him that much. 

Edited February 24, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Fletch Lives]

Hey guys, do you still think it's a good idea to keep pics of past lovers around?

To the OP, I would recommend counseling. If you can't get over it, you may have to start with a clean slate and find a new guy.

[Cookiesandough]

Or if you absolute must have it for your spankbank, keep it in an misnamed folder in deepest, darkest crevices of your devices, where not even the FBI can find it, let alone a gf that’s casually looking at your stuff.   If you’re too dumb/messy to do that, we’re not a match. No gf wants to see that business. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Or if you absolute must have it for your spankbank, keep it in an misnamed folder in deepest, darkest crevices of your devices, where not even the FBI can find it, let alone a gf that’s casually looking at your stuff.   If you’re too dumb/messy to do that, we’re not a match. No gf wants to see that business. 

Or maybe, just maybe...... people shouldn't snoop???  The fault is on the person who is snooping.

[Cookiesandough]

Maybe so but people do snoop. Be that googling/deep searching you to going through your folders. You can call fault and it’s wrong all day , but can’t unsee it and it will change how a person sees you. That’s why a smart man/woman makes sure their current partner doesn’t see their past sex tapes. It’s actually not even that difficult.

Personally, I was not snooping and had permission to go through his cloud to find something else and stumbled on it, but that is beside the point. I found the information enlightening and just substantiated my feelings we weren’t a match . 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SpecialJ]

If you're freaking out about what you saw now, there's a reason for it. The question is, are you 1. feeling insecure about yourself in general without it having anything to do with him, or 2. do you feel like with the distance and however he treats you like he's not fully committed and he's doing something that makes you feel insecure about the relationship / not trust him? From what you wrote so far, I expect it's #1, that this is your issue that already existed before you even looked for the pictures... which is also why you looked for them. That "intuition" may have been you trying to sabotage something without knowing it because the relationship going well actually makes you uncomfortable... or you already felt bad about something else happening in the relationship and were looking for an excuse and found it.

 

If it's #1, this is your problem to fix and you need to work on feeling better about yourself. If you're obsessed with his past, it's because you're comparing yourself with other women and experiences and thinking they're somehow better. But they are not, as he's with you! If it's #2 and he's done other things before you found the photo to make you feel the relationship lacks good trust and stability, then there's a problem in the relationship you need to figure out and talk through with him to see if you can fix. 

 

You can get past this if you can get to the root of your insecurity and then you choose that you want to work it out. And if you decide you don't want to work it out, that's okay too. It'll be painful, but you're still so young that you'll recover and have learned from it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

At least you told him what you'd done and found. Sigh. I'm sorry for you both that he did it and sorry for you both that you found it.

[dramafreezone]

I don't get why you told him what you saw.  Surely there were timestamps on the photos, so you could see when the photos were uploaded.

I don't think you really have any justification for feeling some kind of way about seeing his private photos.  He was far more forgiving about that invasion of privacy then I would've been.

[Six]

8 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't get why you told him what you saw.  Surely there were timestamps on the photos, so you could see when the photos were uploaded.

I don't think you really have any justification for feeling some kind of way about seeing his private photos.  He was far more forgiving about that invasion of privacy then I would've been.

Talking about it with him whenever I need it helps a lot. It reassures me. We talked about it again last night and today I feel a lot better. And yes, you are right, when I first discovered the pictures I was soooo scared to tell him because I was afraid that he would be mad at me for snooping into his computer. But he saw that I was feeling bad and he insisted that I tell him what was wrong. So I did. And I did well. Now we can work together on this issue.

I'm starting to relativize. I feel like I'm on the right track.

[Six]

18 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Hey guys, do you still think it's a good idea to keep pics of past lovers around?

To the OP, I would recommend counseling. If you can't get over it, you may have to start with a clean slate and find a new guy.

I think you can. As long as it's not under your partner's nose. But I wouldn't keep sexual content.

I'm starting to feel better. I really want to keep along with this relationship. It would be too bad to mess up everything we have for something that doesn't matter anymore, and which never mattered in the first place ! Breaking up with him would be waaaay more difficult than to cope with these photos. I think I would regret it all my life.

[elaine567]

IME

 People who are up to no good and have a lot to hide get very upset about snooping.
They demonise the snooper. They project how they would feel on being found out.
Those who have little to hide do not see snooping in the same way.
Here the |OPs bf had nothing to hide, he kept some memento pics, he was not cheating or trying to deceive, so he did not go off at the deep end...
I hope the OP can get over this, but sometimes the only real solution is to break up and start again with someone new.

[Six]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

IME

 People who are up to no good and have a lot to hide get very upset about snooping.
They demonise the snooper. They project how they would feel on being found out.
Those who have little to hide do not see snooping in the same way.
Here the |OPs bf had nothing to hide, he kept some memento pics, he was not cheating or trying to deceive, so he did not go off at the deep end...
I hope the OP can get over this, but sometimes the only real solution is to break up and start again with someone new.

Breaking up is ABSOLUTELY NOT the solution. Retroactive jealousy will only repeat itself on another partner. If it's not photos that will affect me, it will be something else. RJ shows that something is wrong about ME, I have to work on myself.

[Cookiesandough]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

IME

 People who are up to no good and have a lot to hide get very upset about snooping.
They demonise the snooper. They project how they would feel on being found out.
Those who have little to hide do not see snooping in the same way.
Here the |OPs bf had nothing to hide, he kept some memento pics, he was not cheating or trying to deceive, so he did not go off at the deep end...
I hope the OP can get over this, but sometimes the only real solution is to break up and start again with someone new.

Honestly, he was probably proud. Some guys I think they are alpha AF to get girls to tape a sex tape.  The guy I dumped was not hiding it either. He told me to go look for a picture of us in his iCloud and his getting a double bj was right there in the open, like hello.  He didn’t try to cover it up or lie, but it was obvious he was hyper sexual and that’s not extremely attractive to me. If you’re into that sort of thing, there’s no reason to  break up with someone over it. It’s just OP doesn’t seem like the type of person into it. But they’re going to overlook it for now. What else new 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes