RJ : I saw pictures of my boyfriend having sex with another girl before we met.

[Alpacalia]

An ex had terrible retroactive jealousy.

It's common but true retroactive jealousy is not like normal jealousy.

It may not be a matter of if retroactive jealousy will ruin the relationship, but a matter of when.

[Cookiesandough]

Oh sorry nvm figured it out 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Six]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Honestly, he was probably proud. Some guys I think they are alpha AF to get girls to tape a sex tape.  The guy I dumped was not hiding it either. He told me to go look for a picture of us in his iCloud and his getting a double bj was right there in the open, like hello.  He didn’t try to cover it up or lie, but it was obvious he was hyper sexual and that’s not extremely attractive to me. If you’re into that sort of thing, there’s no reason to  break up with someone over it. It’s just OP doesn’t seem like the type of person into it. But they’re going to overlook it for now. What else new 

The photos were not proudly spread. It was in a well hidden folder, on his computer, and no one except him has access to it (normally). And he was really upset when I told him about it, he didn't even remember he had those photos and he deleted them. It was just for fun. He's not that hyper sexual, he didn't have that many sexual partners and it was his first hookup. Just a normal guy. I do not blame him.

[Six]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sorry , but who or what is RJ? 

In short, it is when you are jealous about your partner's past, in every possible ways. It's an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). You just can't stop thinking about what your partner did in the past, or may did.

[Cookiesandough]

10 minutes ago, Six said:

The photos were not proudly spread. It was in a well hidden folder, on his computer, and no one except him has access to it (normally). And he was really upset when I told him about it, he didn't even remember he had those photos and he deleted them. It was just for fun. He's not that hyper sexual, he didn't have that many sexual partners and it was his first hookup. Just a normal guy. I do not blame him.

It was his first hook up and he videotaped and saved it? I don’t know if that’s normal but fair enough. I hope it works out for ya’ll

[Shining One]

Threads like this remind me why I practice good information security and deploy honeypots at home. Credit to my ex: Despite almost five years of frequent usage of my computers, she never fell into any of the honeypots.

[Cookiesandough]

^ seems like your ex trusted you more than you trusted her ( or she just didn’t care). Making honeypots for snoopers seems almost like snooping lol . It’s taking a roundabout, sneaky way of getting excess info on someone... like if they’d go through your stuff 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Shining One]

The honeypots predate her by several years. I put them in place after a previous ex tried to access my company phone while I was sleeping and I had an embarrassing meeting with the CISO at work the next day.

[dramafreezone]

14 hours ago, elaine567 said:

IME

 People who are up to no good and have a lot to hide get very upset about snooping.
They demonise the snooper. They project how they would feel on being found out.
Those who have little to hide do not see snooping in the same way.
Here the |OPs bf had nothing to hide, he kept some memento pics, he was not cheating or trying to deceive, so he did not go off at the deep end...
I hope the OP can get over this, but sometimes the only real solution is to break up and start again with someone new.

It almost seems like you're justifying snooping.

What about people that feel the need to look for stuff behind their SO's back?   The action itself is born of insecurity.

If you're not living with me, you don't have a right to go through my stuff.  It wouldn't even cross my mind to snoop in the home of someone I'm dating.

[usa1ah]

On 2/24/2021 at 6:44 AM, Six said:

Well, maybe it won't be my last. I can't predict the future. But what I know NOW, is that there is something special, there is a strong bond, I can't describe it. We've been through a lot. We plan to have children, we have the same views on the world, we are very much alike, I feel at home when I'm with him, we hardly ever argue... it's just peace and harmony when we are together, it's a very healthy relationship. I don't want to destroy everything I have with him, to compromise something wonderful and over the long term, just to have fun with random guys and regret it later and be with someone I'm not really happy with.

It's only when I'm away from him and all alone that I start to worry and think about his past etc. Like, I can't believe some other girls have touched my man, like it's nothing. I feel like she's still there. Like a ghost... I won't snoop ever again. It was a lesson to me.

My wife and I started dating in our teens. We have been married for 32 years now. You know how you feel about this guy. Follow your heart but always with both eyes open. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by usa1ah

[NYAG]

People are allowed to have a past, whether they document it or not. If you can't cope with that you need to think seriously about whether any relationship is for you because EVERYONE comes with some sort of relationship history whether that's a Twitter crush or a full on relationship. If you don't work through this, it will eat you up, and your relationship with this guy will be doomed anyway. If you've already reached the point where this aspect of his past is the overriding aspect of what you see in him it's probably time to move on anyway. If you don't come to an agreement in your mind about how you deal with these sorts of things it will haunt you in every relationship you go into from here on. I know it, I've been there and it's taken me 5 years and a lot of relationship experimentation to break the habit. I have made a vow never to worry about someone's past again and I will never entertain jealousy or mistrust and given the relationship I am in now that's a pretty big statement coming from me.

[elaine567]

On 2/26/2021 at 3:14 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It was his first hook up and he videotaped and saved it? 

Yes, that doesn't sound true at all...

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, that doesn't sound true at all...

Video taping it does sound like a serious red flag to me. There is more to this. Did she consent to being videotaped on a hookup????

[kendahke]

On 2/23/2021 at 1:00 PM, Six said:

It's my first real love,

Those rarely pan out to life long relationships where you're still together at 85.

Quote

I had an impulse, like intuition maybe ? We sometimes take pictures of us having sex, mostly because we don't see each other really often because he lives a bit far from me. And I was worrying he did that before too.

What? That he had a life and girlfriends before he met you while you didn't?  His choice/your choice. Period.

Of course he did this before he met you, especially if it was his idea to do it with you.

Quote

The photos were not proudly spread. It was in a well hidden folder, on his computer, and no one except him has access to it

You have trust issues. That's why you went snooping where you had no business. You found what you were looking for. Now you can be right.

Quote

Breaking up is ABSOLUTELY NOT the solution. Retroactive jealousy will only repeat itself on another partner. If it's not photos that will affect me, it will be something else. RJ shows that something is wrong about ME, I have to work on myself.

Then you need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend, him or some other guy. You bring your messy emotional baggage everywhere you go, expecting your partner to sort it out for you instead of you stopping the madness and getting it sorted out on your own for yourself.  The reason why your RJ rules your life is because you get something out of it. If you didn't, you wouldn't be doing it. Clinging onto him to handle your heavy lift is completely unfair to him, and borderline cruel.

Get whole first. Run the defragmenting on yourself. It's not his responsibility to fix you. Be fair.

Edited March 20, 2021 by kendahke

[dramafreezone]

34 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Those rarely pan out to life long relationships where you're still together at 85.

What? That he had a life and girlfriends before he met you while you didn't?  His choice/your choice. Period.

Of course he did this before he met you, especially if it was his idea to do it with you.

You have trust issues. That's why you went snooping where you had no business. You found what you were looking for. Now you can be right.

Then you need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend, him or some other guy. You bring your messy emotional baggage everywhere you go, expecting your partner to sort it out for you instead of you stopping the madness and getting it sorted out on your own for yourself.  The reason why your RJ rules your life is because you get something out of it. If you didn't, you wouldn't be doing it. Clinging onto him to handle your heavy lift is completely unfair to him, and borderline cruel.

Get whole first. Run the defragmenting on yourself. It's not his responsibility to fix you. Be fair.

This would disqualify her from being a potential wife in my eyes.  Questioning me on something that has absolutely nothing to do with this relationship, and you came about it in an underhanded way?

I assume that a woman that's over at my place will snoop some when I'm gone.  I just know most can't help themselves.  I assume they're going to go through my dresser, my closet.  Going through computer folders, phones is too far.  Either you don't trust me, or you're trying to find something to assuage your own guilt due to your own bad behavrior.  Neither is anything that bodes well for a marriage.

[TedMosbySexArchitekt]

Salut. Everyone struggles with jealousy.  The more you learn to control it, the less you will suffer, the better chances you have for happy relationships.
This is your problem. Understand that it is normal, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt work on it.  
Make it your mission to learn to control these emotions. Every day a little bit better

[Miss Peach]

At 20 I would have been horrified by this too. So I get it. For me finding porn on my BF at the time's computer was horrifying enough. Apologizing, explaining, reassuring, and deleting like your BF did would be good ways to rectify it to me.

 

To me now with it being before me I may not love the idea of it but I realize he had sex before me and would probably be OK with it. I've seen explicit pictures with guys I've slept with that included other women but not with someone I was seriously involved with. But my take on previous relationships, jealousy, sex, and porn have changed a lot since I was 20.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Miss Peach

[lovebooks]

TMI.  Yech!