I ended it. Need reasons to keep it ended.

[Alexa007]

I ended things today (this will be my 3rd attempt in 18 months). It went well.  He acknowledged that the situation is unfair to me and said our friendship is more important than sex. 

(If anyone has followed my other post's, I can't do NC and actually have very close contact with MM. )

We both stayed busy with our work today and things went smoothly. However, when he left and just said a quick goodbye rather than our usual hugs/kisses, I lost it 😭, even though I know this is for the best and is the right thing. I think seeing how seemingly unaffected he is hurts.  

I keep reminding myself of all the ways that the A sucked for me, even though I'm deeply in love. Even though a friendship is going to have to remain (and that's super hard) I know there's benefits to no romance .

Now, I won't be overanalyzing every cancelled plan or missed text.  

I won't have to constantly be pushing thoughts of what he's doing at home oit of my mind.  

I won't feel like my life is on hold while I wait and see what the outcome of the relationship is.  

I won't have to worry constantly about the ramifications if we got caught.  

*** I need y'all's support so I don't end up going back.  I know our close work situation isn't ideal, but it's impossible to change***

[Soul-shards]

Alexa,

I have read you saga. I am a new member, with somewhat unconventional views compared to your average poster.

Considering you can't seem to completely remove yourself from this MM's vicinity, here's the solution I see for you: start an aggressive "Meet Other People" campaign.

This is going to be your solution: finding someone else. Not as a rebound, but for real. Make yourself busy with the project of discovering someone else. You are relatively young and single, from what I understand. Is that correct? Get yourself out there and see who else is available for you. Arm yourself with some solid strategies to narrow down your pool of eligibles and look in places that are likely to include as many people of your kind as possible. Think available and like-minded. Get to know yourself REALLY WELL so you will understand what you need.

This will keep you busy and it will increase the odds that you will have someone new in your life soon, who will make putting this MM behind a piece of cake.

Otherwise, you will be under permanent torture.

Edited February 23, 2021 by Soul-shards

[Alexa007]

32 minutes ago, Soul-shards said:

Alexa,

I have read you saga. I am a new member, with somewhat unconventional views compared to your average poster.

Considering you can't seem to completely remove yourself from this MM's vicinity, here's the solution I see for you: start an aggressive "Meet Other People" campaign.

This is going to be your solution: finding someone else. Not as a rebound, but for real. Make yourself busy with the project of discovering someone else. You are relatively young and single, from what I understand. Is that correct? Get yourself out there and see who else is available for you. Arm yourself with some solid strategies to narrow down your pool of eligibles and look in places that are likely to include as many people of your kind as possible. Think available and like-minded. Get to know yourself REALLY WELL so you will understand what you need.

This will keep you busy and it will increase the odds that you will have someone new in your life soon, who will make putting this MM behind a piece of cake.

Otherwise, you will be under permanent torture.

I agree with this!  I'm in my 40's but considered attractive, I guess 🤣. I've texted a few friends and told them I really need a date. This is a really weird age for dating.... It doesn't help I work all the time and am with my kids the other times.  

I'm going to try to be more social with my friends and meet new people, at least.  

Edited February 23, 2021 by Alexa007
Swype texting hates me

[Starswillshine]

Though my situation was different I will say it was so freeing to not have to worry about my ex's moves. What he was doing. Etc. I remember after we separated having a near panic attack freaking out. Then just reminded myself it was not something I had to worry about any longer. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did. 

Give yourself some grace. Breakups (regardless of type of relationship) are hard. Its ok if you spend a night in bed. It is ok to grieve it. Just make sure you don't stay stuck in that. Of course, seeing him makes it hard. But I promise (I have to see my ex since he has to get the kids for his weekends), that will eventually go away, too. Just keep reminding yourself that even though you loved him, the relationship brought you pain and didn't satisfy what you truly wanted/needed. 

Hugs. 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

Alexa keep going, day by day. Once a few days passes and you find yourself not expecting nor checking if he's online, it feels GREAT. You'll stop obsessing if he will text you. You'll stop wondering if he's being loving to his wife. You'll stop seeing yourself as a couple. You'll stop looking for reassuring texts from him. Not sure if all this applies to you, but it did to me. I assume that you also got texts from him after work hours and on weekends. 

One day at a time. And, it's okay to cry. One day you will find that you have made it through the day not crying. Then you will find that you actually smiled without his words or humor. It will be a passing thought. 

In the meantime, what Soul-shards suggests is great. Meet other people, not necessarily with dating in mind. Just go find something to do with your kids. If you don't have many friends yet, you will! Join an activity that you have always wanted to try. Just think that today is the youngest you will ever be for the rest of your life, and if not today, then when?  So, age doesn't matter, conventional attractiveness doesn't matter. And, most importantly, romantic relationships are not the end-all, be-all of life, just a part. MM relationship taught you that you have conditions for a relationship. Most importantly, you value and deserve monogamy and want to be a man's #1. This is not a lot to ask!  Secondly, you don't want to keep torturing yourself with what-if's. 

[Alexa007]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Though my situation was different I will say it was so freeing to not have to worry about my ex's moves. What he was doing. Etc. I remember after we separated having a near panic attack freaking out. Then just reminded myself it was not something I had to worry about any longer. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did. 

 

So much this!!! Even though I'm crying off and on, there's a peace with knowing that I don't have to have all that stress worrying if he's flirting with someone, thinking about me, really where he says he is, etc, etc

[Alexa007]

16 minutes ago, IfWishesWereFishes said:

Alexa keep going, day by day. Once a few days passes and you find yourself not expecting nor checking if he's online, it feels GREAT. You'll stop obsessing if he will text you. You'll stop wondering if he's being loving to his wife. You'll stop seeing yourself as a couple. You'll stop looking for reassuring texts from him. Not sure if all this applies to you, but it did to me. I assume that you also got texts from him after work hours and on weekends. . 

This all applies to me word for word!  Thank you for the very useful thoughts ❤️❤️❤️

[mark clemson]

Quote

Need reasons to keep it ended.

De-risking things like both of your jobs, his family life, the potential for you to remain stuck on an unavailable partner for years and years. You have already mentioned less emotional stress.

 

[Alexa007]

He called in to work this morning... I'm assuming to avoid me. It feels like a kick in the gut. 

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, Alexa007 said:

He called in to work this morning... I'm assuming to avoid me. It feels like a kick in the gut. 

I think a key factor in moving forward from an AP is to stop analyzing each move. It's a waste of mental energy, mental energy you need for yourself and your own healing. Yes, he called in today...why take it personally? Maybe he is really not feeling well. Or maybe he is avoiding you...then so what? Like Stars said, you no longer need to worry about his moves. This could be your lesson for today...and tomorrow will be a new lesson...and every day will be a lesson in how to grow stronger. You can do it...take it one day, or even one minute at a time.

[Alexa007]

18 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I think a key factor in moving forward from an AP is to stop analyzing each move. It's a waste of mental energy, mental energy you need for yourself and your own healing. Yes, he called in today...why take it personally? Maybe he is really not feeling well. Or maybe he is avoiding you...then so what? Like Stars said, you no longer need to worry about his moves. This could be your lesson for today...and tomorrow will be a new lesson...and every day will be a lesson in how to grow stronger. You can do it...take it one day, or even one minute at a time.

I know you're right.  My reaction will be that I'm not contacting him and I'll just paste a smile on my face when I do see him. 

I'm just one day in to the breakup though so I'm still in that sick-feeling, distraught place.  

Edited February 24, 2021 by Alexa007
Typo

[Rocky29]

I just want to add that workplace affairs are so common and so very hard to extricate yourself from once they have to/need to/eventually end.  I had a very intense, long-term affair with my ex-MM and working together was so exhilarating in the beginning because you get to see them every day, dress up for them, have lunches together, take walks, spend the entire day together and it can really extend an affair because the ability to end things can seem nearly insurmountable. Mine ended up leaving the job where I still work because his wife caught us (Several times really) and she told him leave the job so get away from me so they could work on their marriage.  He tried to do the right thing at that time, left the job, we did not speak or have any contact for a little over a month.  Then it just restarted and went on another three years! So sometimes even not being in close proximity does not stop the relationship. This is probably not encouraging to you but I do want to tell you now that I am out of my affair (hopefully for good this time) that it's a futile attempt to try and leave if you are not truly ready.  Leaving someone you still love is heartwrenching and I can feel your pain, literally.  It feels like you are walking around missing a part of you, like you are just dragging around a bloody stump where an arm or leg used to be. I used to feel like I was watching my life from above everytime my ex-MM and I were broken up. Colors looked different, it felt like voices were far away, it is hard to explain but I bet you are feeling it.  NUMB I guess is the best way to describe it. If you are ending it for any other reason other than a strong desire to end the lying and have a 'normal' out in the open relationship with someone available then leaving is unlikely to work. Outside forces cannot make two people stop having a relationship it has to come from the inside.  It can work temporarily but feelings are not a light switch and cannot be just turned off.  If I could count how many times my ex-MM and I broke up I would run out of fingers and toes...just wanted you to know I understand the heartache and commend you for doing this even when it hurts so bad.  When people would tell me to take it one day at a time I would change that to one hour.  Whatever works for you! Sending you a hug. 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

@Rocky29 this is all so true and so accurate. It's really insanely hard. Mine is also a coworker and WFH at least keeps us physically apart for now and still it's hard af. What makes it easier is if the xMM could distance too and not reach out, but there's always a way to do so at work, so long as he thinks he still desires to be with you. And then one text leads to another, talk about missing each other etc. and then it's back. So, making the xMM actually dislike you for whatever reason helps. Being cold and brushing off his words helps even if you don't mean them and even if you really have feelings still. In fact, you could say as their AP, we know what they like and don't like really well. So, start doing the things he doesn't like. Make him dislike you. End goal is to be free from the relationship. Must keep focusing on the end goal and why it's good to end things. 

[Rocky29]

@IfWishesWereFishes That is a really good strategy but i STINK at that. ha. For me any contact at all makes all my progress go out the window. He knows all my buttons and what to say to get me melting and falling for the fibs again.  I mean I have had tough break-ups before and they are never pleasant but I think ending an affair is so much harder because everything within the affair is heightened.  The secrecy, 'you and me against the world', and when you finally get time alone it feels so incredibly powerful that you rationalize your poor choices and horrific behavior (because cheating really is so destructive to so many people I have seen firsthand what my choices have done to others). You start to think there is no way this is the wrong thing to do because it feels so perfect and when we are apart it feels so awful, it surely can't be something I should quit, right? But it is.  Emotional thinking versus logical thinking is the real battle. Logically I know it's so wrong, it is painful, it does not benefit me nearly as much as him, but emotionally it feels like death to be apart. Argh. Consequences of my actions for sure! One.hour.at.a.time. 

[IfWishesWereFishes]

I wholly empathize. I'm exactly in the same spot as you. I could've written that. I keep saying those things in my head. Literally it is one step at a time. Do whatever it takes even if it's contrary to our nature. It does feel perfect in the moment. A day spent together is bliss. But the fall off is so very bad. And the ruminating on what he's thinking, who he is with, do we have a future, etc. All the insecurity. All the badness of that. In the end, it made me feel terrible and I keep reminding myself it's not worth that. No man is worth that. One minute at a time lol. It makes me feel less crazy and less bad knowing that others are going through this too. So, really, thank you Alexa and Rocky. 

[Alexa007]

Wishes and Rocky, everything you're saying is so on-point.  

I truly believe I'm strong enough to be done, this time.  The other times I've left have been because I was feeling pouty over how he was treating me, then the love bombing happens, and then the cycle starts again. 

However, THIS time, I'm done with being second, the emotional turmoil, etc.  

Side note, after ghosting all day, he just texted me a "👅". Not sure what that's supposed to mean and not sure how to respond.  If we were NC, I'd ignore it but, being as we're working together and had a conversation about staying friends, not responding could make me look like I'm pouting. 

On the other hand, it's sucky to feel like I'm at his becking call.  

Stupid tongue text 😡

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, Alexa007 said:

Wishes and Rocky, everything you're saying is so on-point.  

I truly believe I'm strong enough to be done, this time.  The other times I've left have been because I was feeling pouty over how he was treating me, then the love bombing happens, and then the cycle starts again. 

However, THIS time, I'm done with being second, the emotional turmoil, etc.  

Side note, after ghosting all day, he just texted me a "👅". Not sure what that's supposed to mean and not sure how to respond.  If we were NC, I'd ignore it but, being as we're working together and had a conversation about staying friends, not responding could make me look like I'm pouting. 

On the other hand, it's sucky to feel like I'm at his becking call.  

Stupid tongue text 😡

Welp the games are starting already.  A tongue emoji?!  That doesn't warrant a response - how immature.  See how one little insignificant thing from him gets you all spun?  He knows that.

You cannot be friends with this man.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Alexa007 said:

Side note, after ghosting all day, he just texted me a "👅". Not sure what that's supposed to mean and not sure how to respond.  If we were NC, I'd ignore it but, being as we're working together and had a conversation about staying friends, not responding could make me look like I'm pouting. 

If the communication is not work related, it should not get a response. That is how you maintain your sanity while continuing to work with the man - by establishing firm boundaries. 

Respond and you are back in the game, which is exactly what he is trying to do... don’t give him the satisfaction. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

, after ghosting all day, he just texted me a "👅".   

Stupid tongue text 😡

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Be polite and professional at work otherwise ignore him.

Is the 👅 thing part of the "love bombing" he tends to do? Is it a reference to sexual activity or being silly?

 

 

[Allupinnit]

@Alexa007 - how did the rest of your week go?

[Whaatamidoing]

Oh my god, I could have written this post.

I sooo feel every bit of your pain. The over analysing, the wonder. The hurt at them not deciding its all too much and they cant live with out you.

Im trying the same thing and its so so so hard. Im grateful he was angry with me for upsetting the apple cart so he hasnt been in, only communicated via email and phone.

Although it physically hurts, I have realised I am grateful for the break. I kid you not, my shoulders are so much less tense from the worry about his wife, hearing about her constantly and their plans. Its been such a relief for her not to cloud so many of my thoughts and basically to not be in my life. The sacrifice, he cant be in my life either. Its still early days and the longer I dont see him, the harder I think I will crumble when I do.

 

[Whaatamidoing]

I hope you are coping ok.

[Alexa007]

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been on to update! 

After several days of being polite but cold to me, he's now started love bombing.  I've been through this twice before and I'm not falling for it again.

The cycle is: I get fed up and cool things off, he begins showering me with love, tears, gifts, plans to leave BS,--- I fall back into the affair, almost instantly he gets cold/hot/unpredictable again 🙄

 

[basil67]

Alexa, that eyeroll emoji you've just used above is what you need to use when he's doing this love bombing.  If it's messaging, send that emoji.  If he's doing it face to face, give him a real eyeroll.  

[BaileyB]

Well, if you recognize the pattern of behavior, you can use this to your advantage and make a different decision. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by BaileyB