spiderowl Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 On 2/28/2021 at 12:43 AM, Alexa007 said: Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been on to update! After several days of being polite but cold to me, he's now started love bombing. I've been through this twice before and I'm not falling for it again. The cycle is: I get fed up and cool things off, he begins showering me with love, tears, gifts, plans to leave BS,--- I fall back into the affair, almost instantly he gets cold/hot/unpredictable again 🙄 It's great that you've recognised a pattern, Alexa. You are doing great by ignoring this stuff. Just think, you are free of the stress of leaving all the power in his hands and you can look forward to a future full of possibilities, where you could meet someone who loves you and is fully available. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sol Flor Posted March 4, 2021 Share Posted March 4, 2021 Days have passed. How has it been for you? I ask because I’m in a similar situation. In my 40s. 2 year Affair has ended. Remaining friends. I want to know there’s hope. Link to post Share on other sites
SS2855 Posted March 4, 2021 Share Posted March 4, 2021 On 2/27/2021 at 6:43 PM, Alexa007 said: Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been on to update! After several days of being polite but cold to me, he's now started love bombing. I've been through this twice before and I'm not falling for it again. The cycle is: I get fed up and cool things off, he begins showering me with love, tears, gifts, plans to leave BS,--- I fall back into the affair, almost instantly he gets cold/hot/unpredictable again 🙄 Alexa, Wishes, Rocky... same story on my end to the TEE. In my early 40’s and in this deep entanglement for 2 years with coworker . Ended things recently but pattern of last few months is exactly as described above: I get firm by trying to extricate myself, he tries to respect my wishes, we talk only business and life catching up like two old friends, just as I start pushing away further but feeling like I’m going to break from the longing, he starts the love bombing, I’m swept up again and back to square one until he pulls away and pattern repeats itself. The cycle is brutal. There are days when I can’t stop ruminating and it seems the days I feel most in control are when he comes back... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereFishes Posted March 4, 2021 Share Posted March 4, 2021 Hugs to you, @SS2855, @Alexa007, @Sol Flor. It gets better, Sol, even though I'm still at the very beginning of NC. I can tell you that it feels better than it was. I can sleep. I can stop looking at my phone. Stop waiting for his texts and calls. I can start working on myself and my goals again. Over the weekend I felt really awful, felt out of it, wanted the breadcrumbs again, wanted him. I let the feeling wash over me. I recognized it and started reading over the list of why I ended things. And reading over my list of the good things in my life prior to meeting him. The feeling of wanting to be with him eventually faded as I watched a stupid funny movie lol. So, keep going! There is way more to life than a man who can't be there to make you a cup of tea when you're feeling under the weather. There's more to life than a man who chooses to not be with you in your bed everyday for the rest of his life. There's more to life than a man who chooses to not walk beside you in daylight. It gets better. Remind yourself that you are worthy of a full, whole love. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alexa007 Posted March 6, 2021 Author Share Posted March 6, 2021 On 3/3/2021 at 10:35 PM, Sol Flor said: Days have passed. How has it been for you? I ask because I’m in a similar situation. In my 40s. 2 year Affair has ended. Remaining friends. I want to know there’s hope. Things are weird 😂. I'm still maintaining "no physical contact". The love bombing is still going strong and I'm honestly feeling closer than ever to him 🙈. I'm really at peace right now. If he's ever single, I will give it a shot despite what the odds say. If he stays married, then I have my dignity and a good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 40 minutes ago, Alexa007 said: I'm honestly feeling closer than ever to him 🙈. I think it’s only a matter of time before you are back in the affair. Sorry. You are enjoying the attention too much. You still want the man. He knows it. You know it. We know it. It’s only a matter of time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 Agree with Bailey. This is all part of a push/pull game the two of you are playing with each other. You feel closer to him and you feel at peace because right now he is raining attention on you. You are not feeling the sting of the end of the affair because it hasn't ended, it's just missing the sex at the moment. At some point he is going to get sick of chasing you and start ignoring you and then the tables will turn and you will feel compelled to chase him. This is all ego driven by the both of you. Your fragile egos can't stand being rejected and so the one who feels rejected will be the one to pursue and the one being pursued gets to bask in the ego strokes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 4 hours ago, Alexa007 said: Things are weird 😂. I'm still maintaining "no physical contact". The love bombing is still going strong and I'm honestly feeling closer than ever to him 🙈. I'm really at peace right now. If he's ever single, I will give it a shot despite what the odds say. If he stays married, then I have my dignity and a good friend. There’s no dignity in pining for a man you can’t have a legitimate relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 Alexa, As a realist, I think you are doing this because NOT doing this, meaning completely cutting off the tie, would be a worse alternative for you, despite being the technically correct move. You are still very attached to this man so we circle back to the idea that feelings are hardly controllable. They are not. I expect stepping away completely would leave you with a void or psychological chaos much more difficult to endure than the challenges you face now, in this "sort-of-over but not-completely-over" R. I wish you the best, in whatever form that "best" might come, be it less than socially acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 17 minutes ago, anika99 said: You feel closer to him and you feel at peace because right now he is raining attention on you. This. He’s chasing and you are both currently enjoying the chase. If anything, you have gone back to the early stages of a relationship when he pursues you and that’s why it feels so wonderful to you - it’s quite flattering to have a man pursue you, you are enjoying the attention, and you feel at peace because you are currently in control. It’s all part of the dance. It’s like you’ve pushed “pause” on the relationship but it has not ended. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) I agree it's about control. Right now you have the control so it all feels good, and that bad stuff in the past doesn't seem to so bad. My AP ghosted me. When I reached out a few months later, he responded and was like, when can we meet again? I want to see you! I had more of the control and damn it felt good. I thought: I will go with things like this for a bit, then I will ghost him and he can see how it feels. I thought I could control him and me but that's not how it turned out. I got sucked in again and things were even worse, more intense. My first wish is that I never had an affair, and my second wish is that I hadn't gone in for a second round. At that point I knew what I was doing and deliberately made the choice to continue because it felt good and I thought we were "soulmates." I justified my choices by changing around the narrative. I do think it's only a matter of time until you're in the affair again unfortunately. It's so easy to get sucked back in...one needs boundaries of steel not to when seeing an AP regularly. I mean, it's been less than two weeks since you "ended it" and you're already feeling closer and thinking about if he is ever single. Edited March 6, 2021 by Bittersweetie 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 9 hours ago, Alexa007 said: really at peace right now. If he's ever single, I will give it a shot despite what the odds say. If he stays married, then I have my dignity and a good friend. I know you don’t want to hear this but this is not going to end well . I have been in your shoes and wish i would’ve seen the heartache and unbearable emotional impact that was coming my way . Believe me the only way you’ll have any shred of integrity or dignity is to genuinely walk away . I feel for you and really hope you make the right choice 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie Moo Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 On 3/4/2021 at 11:33 PM, IfWishesWereFishes said: Hugs to you, @SS2855, @Alexa007, @Sol Flor. It gets better, Sol, even though I'm still at the very beginning of NC. I can tell you that it feels better than it was. I can sleep. I can stop looking at my phone. Stop waiting for his texts and calls. I can start working on myself and my goals again. Over the weekend I felt really awful, felt out of it, wanted the breadcrumbs again, wanted him. I let the feeling wash over me. I recognized it and started reading over the list of why I ended things. And reading over my list of the good things in my life prior to meeting him. The feeling of wanting to be with him eventually faded as I watched a stupid funny movie lol. So, keep going! There is way more to life than a man who can't be there to make you a cup of tea when you're feeling under the weather. There's more to life than a man who chooses to not be with you in your bed everyday for the rest of his life. There's more to life than a man who chooses to not walk beside you in daylight. It gets better. Remind yourself that you are worthy of a full, whole love. Just had to say. Out of all the things that I’ve read about why an affair has to end the line ‘a man who can’t be there to make you a cup of tea when you’re feeling under the weather’ is absolutely spot on! As a single parent who’s just starting to extricate herself and go NC with a MM after a year and a half this line has resonated with me the most. All the times I’ve sat home feeling rubbish and just wishing someone else would make and bring me a cup of tea and some toast. The MM is never ever going to do that. In fact they likely do it for their wives. if he can’t/won’t ever make me tea and toast then surely he’s useless to me 🤷🏼♀️😆 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 37 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said: Just had to say. Out of all the things that I’ve read about why an affair has to end the line ‘a man who can’t be there to make you a cup of tea when you’re feeling under the weather’ is absolutely spot on! As a single parent who’s just starting to extricate herself and go NC with a MM after a year and a half this line has resonated with me the most. All the times I’ve sat home feeling rubbish and just wishing someone else would make and bring me a cup of tea and some toast. The MM is never ever going to do that. In fact they likely do it for their wives. if he can’t/won’t ever make me tea and toast then surely he’s useless to me 🤷🏼♀️😆 I can see that but I can also see the sadness of reducing a R such basic, functional needs. Well, now the bar is pretty low and this line of thinking unfortunately leads many people to make luke-warm selections for marriage. Does that mean a person with tons of money would be OK without an R as long as they can pay for staff to bring them the cup of tea and toast? I am starting to think affairs should be limited to married people on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereFishes Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 @Minnie Moo glad that resonated. Like in grade school, let's write this sentence over and over 100 times!!! Let it sink in when we're feeling weak. You don't need that MM. Let him go. There are so many other things in life worthy of our attention. MM are not one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Why would you want to go back with a proven liar and cheater? Don't you want better than that? Lying and cheating bring bad things into your life. They damage your character. Honestly, you should change jobs and block him. He's very bad for you and you won't find a good man and happiness while he is in your life - even if you aren't physical with him that week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie Moo Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, IfWishesWereFishes said: @Minnie Moo glad that resonated. Like in grade school, let's write this sentence over and over 100 times!!! Let it sink in when we're feeling weak. You don't need that MM. Let him go. There are so many other things in life worthy of our attention. MM are not one of them. @IfWishesWereFishes I am writing it in my head every time I start thinking about exMM Even better I’ve found a couple of theme tunes for all us ex OW or those trying to break it off. I find music a very powerful motivator. Zara Larson. - look what you’ve done Dua Lipa - we’re good Jess Glynne - Rollin All absolutely spot on!!! Edited March 10, 2021 by Minnie Moo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 12 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said: @IfWishesWereFishes I am writing it in my head every time I start thinking about exMM Even better I’ve found a couple of theme tunes for all us ex OW or those trying to break it off. I find music a very powerful motivator. Zara Larson. - look what you’ve done Dua Lipa - we’re good Jess Glynne - Rollin All absolutely spot on!!! I’d add mistress by Rebecca Ferguson to the list Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie Moo Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 20 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: I’d add mistress by Rebecca Ferguson to the list Just listened. Spot on! Definitely going on my ‘my ex MM is an Ahole’ playlist. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Just now, Minnie Moo said: Just listened. Spot on! Definitely going on my ‘my ex MM is an Ahole’ playlist. 😂😂 isn’t it just -I make no apologies for playing this loudly in my car -I’ll be adding your suggestions to my Ahole play list too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie Moo Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 11 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: 😂😂 isn’t it just -I make no apologies for playing this loudly in my car -I’ll be adding your suggestions to my Ahole play list too Maybe we should start a separate thread and people can add their own. Honestly this group has been a godsend the last few days. Wish I’d found it long ago and might have saved myself a heck of a lot of heartache. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereFishes Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 oh... great idea! wonder if there already exists a playlist on spotify Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie Moo Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 23 minutes ago, IfWishesWereFishes said: oh... great idea! wonder if there already exists a playlist on spotify I’m not very good at using Spotify. I’ll let you look it up 😂😂 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said: Honestly this group has been a godsend the last few days. Wish I’d found it long ago and might have saved myself a heck of a lot of heartache. I agree I felt very alone before I found the forum and didn’t know where to turn . Sharing experiences does help and hearing how others have coped makes me feel there is light at the end of what can sometimes feel like a very dark tunnel Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie Moo Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 4 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: I agree I felt very alone before I found the forum and didn’t know where to turn . Sharing experiences does help and hearing how others have coped makes me feel there is light at the end of what can sometimes feel like a very dark tunnel Absolutely. There is light. We will get there one day. ☀️ 🤗 Link to post Share on other sites
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