Complicated breakup

[Melinda1989]

Hi guys,

I've been browsing through this board for the last few hours. Truth be told, I suppose all of us start by feeling "but our love story is really special", although, in the end, breakups always boil down to lack of trust, happiness, or both. 

Long story short (it'll probably still be quite detailed): I (f 32) ended it with my boyfriend (m 34) a few weeks ago. 

I met my ex on a dating app while I still stayed in the US, so did (and does he) in June last year. Due to Covid we couldn't really meet, but damn, did we hit it off. Ever since a few days into our relationship we spent at least 2-3 hours chatting/video calling each other. My ex was fun, he seemed very kind, and we shared all the same longterm goals. 

Unfortunately, timing wasn't our friend. We both lost close family members (he lost his mother) last year, that took a big blow on us emotionally. Approximately 2-3 months into the relationship we were both under immense pressure, and we fought almost every day. Thankfully we managed to work things out. In hindsight, I realize that also meant me stopping expecting much emotional support from him in certain aspects.

Time passed by and from mid October- late December his mother got worse and passed away. My ex is originally from another continent, and he had to fly back home for several months. Unfortunately, due to Covid I wasn't allowed to visit him, but I did shape an amazing bond with his mother (who meant everything to him) and his family over video/chats. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't doing too well after my loss, and I decided to move back home (another continent) to be close to my family. 

We had a time line in terms of moving in together, getting engaged etc., but my ex couldn't deal with such big changes in his life. I could understand, but what hurt me is that he raised these questions to several close friends before talking to me.

Moreover, we were supposed to meet up for NYE and I was so pumped about that. Again, he told me "I just want to be around family more." I was upset by it, but could also understand why he needed that, so I didn't really make too much of a fuzz about it.

During these months we communicated for hours, but everything was about him and his loss.

I tried to talk to him about my loss, I asked him "why do you never ask about my brother, I always inquire about your feelings. " To which he responded: "I thought you'll just tell me if you need to talk about it."  

One time I wanted him to hear me about investing some inheritance, and he seemed very uncomfortable even touching the topic with him. I managed to make him more comfortable, but I felt hurt that talking about my problems clearly made him so uncomfortable. 

Add to it, he knew I was in a difficult spot mentally, but he never tried to talk with me about it, although I explained to him clearly that I was struggling. 

When I lost my brother, my ex didn't do anything related to my family (not that I expected him to), I on the other hand arranged for a nice dinner for him and his father before my ex returned to the US, I video chatted with his mother, sent her flowers and cute cookies. 

The days around the funeral I was awake half the night to be able to respond to his texts. He even told me "it felt like you held my hand during the funeral ", and that was all I wanted, to help him get better. I don't regret doing any of this, but trying to carry his grief on top of mine got much. Too much. 

We met up late last month and the first few days were amazing. Unfortunately, I soon started to feel like I needed to talk with him about our relationship, because I was feeling very insecure given the past few months. 

To me, this meet up was supposed to be a new start. My ex decided to work one week (full days) and when I questioned that (we agreed some hours), he said I couldn't understand his job. Hello, we're on vacation together, the beach is dark by 6...

Secondly there were a few incidents I reacted to. I guess I was just emotionally tired, and I recieved a call about my cat being sick. 

On top of this, he intrigued me to a friend who straight out questioned me and the relationship, without anyone asking for his opinion. My ex said nothing before I asked his opinion and his response was so neutral "I can understand she got offended by this. "He didn't even ask how I felt the morning after. 

Like with so many things, he decided that he didn't want to update about us on social media. Not that it's a make or break it thing, but so many aspects that meant a lot to me, didn't matter to him. Also, he suggested it initially, and his exuce just didn't make sense "I just don't want to / I'm private on SM (lol, no), and "my dad needs to get to know you better " (his father adored me). 

When I questioned his commitment he said "I gifted you my mother's jewlery. " 

Because of these and similar issues we had three big fights. One where I tried to pack (a bit rushed on my end , I admit that), the next I wanted to spend the night alone to think(he didn't want that) and the third time I was so clear "I need you to see my emotional needs. I don't feel comfortable", and he concluded he's too immature, too selfish. He didn't want the break up and cried over it. "I called you my wife ", that's how you treat your future wife? 

The more time that goes by in NC I realize this is about more than him grieving. I feel he's selfish and I may just want to cut all ties. 

Oh, and the best part... he blamed me for breaking his heart! That the amazing birthday celebration didn't happen. I felt so bad I asked him if we should talk it out, thankfully he was hesitant . Apparently he's worried I'll break his heart again. It felt like he meant this was all about me. The more I think about that talk, the more angry I get. He reaches out every 3-4 day either on IG or by text. 

Although the last month changed him a lot, he did put a lot of effort into making us work. Therapy while he was on another continent (during night time for him) and several talks with me. He still feels I'm the love of his life. He even talked openly with his family about marriage plans. 

Still, is it weird that I feel hurt, not seen? I have started to move on. My friends who knows him well thinks it's likely he'll get another perspective down the line, I'm not sure? And even if he does; is he worth it? I feel I have to accept that he's not the man I fell in love with anymore. 

[robaday]

Everyone reacts to grief differently. I went through something similar your ex did whilst in a relationship with someone I loved. But honestly it really takes it toll on some people (myself included). I got a little crazy after me and her split and I consider myself very resilient, but grief, and a relationship/breakup can really hit someone sideways and make them act out in ways they never normally would. I'm sorry this has happened to you. 

Sometimes as well the person you were with reminds you of the loss your experienced while you were with them. That is the case with me anyway. It doesn't follow logic or reason. Simply sometimes you just really need a clean start from everything that reminds you of that troubled faze in your life. Not making excuses for him. I dont know him. Just giving you my perspective from someone who was recently in a similar position.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I think his loss has been very difficult, no doubt. I too have deal with a significant loss in the past and it changed me in many ways. 

However, I also think he just plain wanted out of the relationship and there might be more to it. What's with the sudden social media privacy? Do you think he might have met someone else back home?