After a while, it gets tiresome.

[Soul-shards]

24 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@Soul-shards - Mark actually started a thread on this very thing.  He was also involved in an affair and is convinced that staying was the less selfish decision.  So it's really no wonder you are validating each other's experiences.  Maybe someone here can link to it - I'm sure you'd find it helpful.

Many of us, though, DO value fidelity to a fault and wonder why those of you who are ok with blurred lines in marriage don't stick together.  Stop the lying.  I'd be completely devastated to know my H had a "soul mate" that changed him in such a profound way that he had to scour the internet anonymously for justifications and approval of his betrayal to our marriage.  

I believe that marriage has absolutely everything to do with souls intertwining because it's when we don't exactly "FEEL" like it and show up for our spouse that the romance often follows.  Your husband may not be the wordsmith this total online stranger you THINK you know is but nevertheless he is your husband and we are to be giving continuously one to the other.  The key to deep satisfaction and contentment is selflessness.  You are feeding a fleeting feeling that has the potential for catastrophic consequences to yourself and your families.

I admit there  is an emotional component in supporting the views of someone who shares your experience. Of course people with a clean bill of fidelity will support those like them, and the A-people will be able to empathize with other A-people. I am aware of that.

That aside, Mark's arguments in that thread stand on their own logical merit. The detractors' arguments do not. What he argued was: 

Both cheating and divorce are selfish acts (FACT).

Divorce, on average, causes more life disruption, heartache and pain, for a larger number of individuals than cheating - considering much cheating goes discovered, some BS's worst nightmare is to be abandoned (served with D papers), many spouses do very poorly post-D, and children suffer net losses in parental divorce, except in cases of severe cases of marital discord and abuse (FACT). 

These arguments stand on their own.

Re: valuing fidelity to a fault. I understand that. So did I, so did many others, so does the vast majority of people when they go to the altar (The best of intentions). 

That still doesn't make it anything other than an emotional view and moralistic sentiment. It doesn't make it a correct view, a realistic view, a universally right view, a view in line with the reality of the human condition, or a view that always results in the highest amount of tangible good for all involved.

This belief taken to fanatical conclusions can amount to poor quality of life, loss of meaning, and severe regret at the end of life.

This is serious...for what? For an ultimately arbitrary man-made principle (um, woman-made too). 

On this:

Quote

I believe that marriage has absolutely everything to do with souls intertwining because it's when we don't exactly "FEEL" like it and show up for our spouse that the romance often follows.  Your husband may not be the wordsmith this total online stranger you THINK you know is but nevertheless he is your husband and we are to be giving continuously one to the other.  The key to deep satisfaction and contentment is selflessness.

I only partially agree. There is certainly satisfaction to be gained from personal sacrifices for loved ones. At the same time, there is a limit to how much human contentment can be derived from sheer selflessness and nothing else, especially in marriage. Romantic love is brutal. That's because humans are not saints, but living organisms wired to advance the needs and interests of their own genetic makeup.

 I am afraid that what you said is the projection of a person who has never really gone with any vital need unmet, only smaller needs. Under these circumstances, the more or less small sacrifices we do for marriage can be experienced as sweet, personally fulfilling things that make our marital bond even more meaningful. I've done a lot of that in my marriage.

As long as those sacrifices don't eat into who we are, they can feel lofty and uplifting. We can then wax poetic about personal sacrifice, selflessness and the sanctity of marriage when the going gets tough (which is usually not that tough).

More realistically, satisfaction and contentment in marriage come from a foundation of excellent matching on as many dimensions as possible. People need to relate and be understood. On this foundation, the partners will feel inspired to make sacrifices for one another. Otherwise, they will be in a constant state of want and frustration and the foundation will crack. Then the cute little personal sacrifices won't lead to contentment anymore. 

Just a view from the other side. That's the less sanitary side - the messy, dirty, unpredictable side of life where some of us land, unfortunately - even against our will.

I do feel guilt about having made a marital choice for an overall good person, yet one who was not designed for me. What I feel for this MM is not a 'fleeting feeling.' If that was so, the feeling would have fleeted long time ago, especially in the face of so many barriers. This is about a fantastic degree of compatibility which makes the incompatibility in my marriage brutal to accept.  

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Soul-shards said:

I do feel guilt about having made a marital choice for an overall good person, yet one who was not designed for me. the incompatibility in my marriage brutal to accept.  

Are you financial dependent on him?  If you have kids they are most like grown so why not free yourself through an amicable divorce? Not for this soulmate per se, but to relieve your anger and frustration.

[Soul-shards]

I am not financially dependent on my H - but we both live much better with our finances together. Children are not grown, they are still children. Even when they reach adulthood, they would still be disoriented and devastated to see us split.

As I said, if I divorce:

1. H: devastated.

2. Kids: devastated.

3. Extended family: devastated, deeply disappointed.

4. Economic situation: much worse for all of us.

5. Me: on my own, NOWHERE CLOSE to an official R with this MM, nowhere close to interested in anyone else. 

  I think that settles it.

[DKT3]

22 minutes ago, Soul-shards said:

I am not financially dependent on my H - but we both live much better with our finances together. Children are not grown, they are still children. Even when they reach adulthood, they would still be disoriented and devastated to see us split.

As I said, if I divorce:

1. H: devastated.

2. Kids: devastated.

3. Extended family: devastated, deeply disappointed.

4. Economic situation: much worse for all of us.

5. Me: on my own, NOWHERE CLOSE to an official R with this MM, nowhere close to interested in anyone else. 

  I think that settles it.

Again the first you have no way of knowing.  Interestingly,  you've mentioned that your husband believes he was meant to be single,  yet you feel holding him hostage in a marriage you yourself regret is selfless? This is why a say you're not being honest,  they are opposing ideologies. 

I do believe we've finally got to the point....money.  Had you just stated I want to stay married because it affords me the financial and social status I like it would be much smoother.  

Just stop with all the best interest busy, its only in your best interest.  Your children will learn nothing good from your actions. Just be honest.  

[SMoore]

My point still stands.  Any attachment will lead to suffering, romantic attachment more than anything.  If you are suffering it is because of your thoughts, believing that compatibility in a partner will take you to some nirvana.  It never has and wouldn’t in this case either.  The natural human condition is perpetual dissatisfaction, it is there to be reckoned with.

Look within more, practise acceptance, kill the ego, stop contact with this person, find the love that exists within yourself and spread that to the real people in your life.  Over time you will find peace.  That’s the best advice you’re going to get.

The rest of this is just diversion really.

Of course, if you’re not suffering then being penpals with some guy you’ll never meet is not particularly outrageous and I doubt that it warrants this amount of discussion.

[Soul-shards]

20 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Again the first you have no way of knowing.  Interestingly,  you've mentioned that your husband believes he was meant to be single,  yet you feel holding him hostage in a marriage you yourself regret is selfless? This is why a say you're not being honest,  they are opposing ideologies. 

I do believe we've finally got to the point....money.  Had you just stated I want to stay married because it affords me the financial and social status I like it would be much smoother.  

Just stop with all the best interest busy, its only in your best interest.  Your children will learn nothing good from your actions. Just be honest.  

Well...the downsides of the Internet - missing data. You're wrong again. Not surprising, because you don't know the dynamics in my M, I do. 

Indeed, H stated in the past that he was meant to be single, even though he's always wanted badly to be M. Maybe too much. He feels that he doesn't know how to handle R-s and to offer women what they need, even though he wants to. He very much wants to stay M to me. Do you not think he would have expressed interest in D if he was really drawn to being single?

I brought up D many times in the past, during our rough patches, I even threatened to get out the door right then and there  - but every time he defaulted to "let's make it work at any cost - for our children - I will try harder." And we went on and on again, in 1000 loups. He did say, if we fail - he won't try again.

The money - this is tangential. We make about the same amount, me a bit less than him but not by a ton. He is more adamant about our marriage being an effective economic unit than I've ever been. 

I happen to be a very non-materialistic type. Nice-ies and pretties are very low on my priority list. Do you think I would have fallen so hard over intellectual/spiritual connection if I'd been all about 'the stuff?'

We do BOTH care about our ability to support our children financially in the best way possible. Being apart would affect that.

Missed target again.

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Soul-shards

[Soul-shards]

4 minutes ago, SMoore said:

Of course, if you’re not suffering ...

I AM suffering because this R is on the border of claiming more. Compatibility in partnership is huge for quality of life, NIrvana or not. I have seen it in my family.  It is this line of thinking, your line SMoore, that lured me into making the choice I made in my 20's. I regret it deeply.

Edited February 25, 2021 by Soul-shards

[DKT3]

Its pointless,  this discussion.  You talk about missing targets,  truth is you simply keep moving the target. 

Sad part is, I think in any other situation you would be very aware and intelligent,  but here you are naive and totally unaware and have actually twisted your mind to the point you believe you are doing your husband a favor.  Good luck to you...my dogs need my attention now.

 

[Soul-shards]

6 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Its pointless,  this discussion.  You talk about missing targets,  truth is you simply keep moving the target. 

Sad part is, I think in any other situation you would be very aware and intelligent,  but here you are naive and totally unaware and have actually twisted your mind to the point you believe you are doing your husband a favor.  Good luck to you...my dogs need my attention now.

 

Not moving any target. You're just getting info you didn't have. There's lots but the Internet will never reveal all.

I am trying to cause the least amount of pain for all involved, including myself. Not to do my H 'a favor.'

Edited February 25, 2021 by Soul-shards

[SMoore]

If you are indeed suffering then I invite you to re-read my last post with great care.  It’s the only plan - unpalatable though it seems - that will get you towards a better place.

I’m only bothering to point it out because I think minimising suffering is probably quite a good thing, all told.  Dragging your 20 yr old self into matters is only going to cause you more pain.

That’s not to say that divorce might not be the answer for you; I’m not saying stay and suffer or indeed leave and suffer.  Either might work.  But there’s always suffering somewhere.  You just need to see things clearly, that’s all.

Anyway, I’ve given you the answer.  If you reflect on it deeply enough it might get you where you need to be.  If not, then I hope it doesn’t get too painful.

I’m politely stepping away from this discussion.

Attachment is the key to all this.

[Acacia98]

On 2/24/2021 at 8:24 PM, Soul-shards said:

That doesn't means my deeper needs are gone. I love corresponding with this person and that's the end of it. My H has me for himself in all ways he needs. The only part of me he doesn't have is the part I offered over and over again over the years, only for him not to know what to do with, how to satisfy that, or what to make of it.

This MM does. 

Any other questions?  

Nah. Just the thought that suppressing your needs within this marriage may ultimately cost you more than you realize. Being in a relationship that didn't meet my emotional needs felt like slow death to me. It was agony.

I can't do more than wish you the best. Hope you eventually find your way to a true solution.

[Soul-shards]

Reflecting on both SMoore's and Acacia's inputs above:

This is why I've come to wonder whether an actual A, with no expectations of this ever turning into marriage, Forever After, and other Disney stuff -  might be the answer.  Wouldn't that involve killing the ego, smoore? I can kill my ego, but not this need. If I could have killed it, it would have been dead after 20 years. It's not.  

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Soul-shards

[Soul-shards]

In my post at the top of this page I meant ..."considering most cheating goes UN-discovered" not "discovered".

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, SMoore said:

Of course, if you’re not suffering then being penpals with some guy you’ll never meet is not particularly outrageous and I doubt that it warrants this amount of discussion.

I'm tempted to "hear, hear" this as I tend to agree. However, the specific content of the correspondence with the pen-pal could be an issue. If it's along the lines of "I love you and you're my soul-mate, I wish I could be with you, etc" a spouse might very understandably take issue with it.

It does seem like S-s has "caught feelings" for a pen pal she connects with quite well (that's one interpretation anyhow). However, those feelings and/or what's said WRT them are an issue. "Pure" EAs are always a grey area to some extent. And yes, some seem to get quite outraged at even the "lesser" transgressions around here.

[Pumpernickel]

6 hours ago, SMoore said:

My point still stands.  Any attachment will lead to suffering, romantic attachment more than anything.  If you are suffering it is because of your thoughts, believing that compatibility in a partner will take you to some nirvana.  It never has and wouldn’t in this case either.  The natural human condition is perpetual dissatisfaction, it is there to be reckoned with.

Look within more, practise acceptance, kill the ego, stop contact with this person, find the love that exists within yourself and spread that to the real people in your life.  Over time you will find peace.  That’s the best advice you’re going to get.

The rest of this is just diversion really.

Of course, if you’re not suffering then being penpals with some guy you’ll never meet is not particularly outrageous and I doubt that it warrants this amount of discussion.

This is such good, practical advice! Well said! Especially the bolded part is so significant in this scenario. I don’t know why people get involved with people they have never even met. I think it’s just an escape, and literally any “AP” could fill that void, if they (he/she, whoever they are or pretend to be) say/write/speak the right words from somewhere remote. Nobody will ever be able to verify who they are, what they really want from you, what they represent, and what they believe in. You just can’t tell. Period. You need to spend time with people to know them. Everything else is an illusion, a fairy tale. 
 

I also agree that it doesn’t warrant this type of a discussion because there’s no real R, not even a real A/EA, and I’m not even sure the OP would be interested in the “AP” if she met him/her in person (and probably vice versa). They could be unattractive, too short, they could be of any gender, not as witty as they present themselves to be “online”, withdrawn, shy, inhibited, nervous, etc. - So yeah, I agree that it’s just an escape, a fantasy - it’s not a thing really. I mean, it’s a “thing”, definitely, but the thing has nothing to do with the “MM” who she’s never actually seen/hugged/smelled, but everything to do with herself, and the void within, and this can’t be resolved by another person. Not her husband, not her kid(s), not her pretend AP. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[spiritedaway2003]

 

Your soul is restless not because of what you don't know.  It's because it knows. 

A couple of thoughts:

- I know you're telling your truth because you've been an open book here (thank you).  You are stuck because all the options before you are sub-optimal. You could leave your marriage, but what exactly are you leaving for?  To where?  For whom?  You've already done this analysis.  Why inflict pain on your family when your soulmate isn't available and it's not probable anything would ever happen?  But now that you've been awaken to that connection, you also can't undo that knowledge. ("Knowledge is a blessing and a curse")

- I know you don't want to write due to privacy and that's alright, but the biggest red flag I see for you is that he's "just" a penpal.  I'm not discrediting the conviction of your feelings, but it'd be fair to point out that it'd be a lousy gamble to stake your life's choices if it's someone you haven't met in IRL. If there is more to it, then that's fine...

- You had rejected the notion of leaving your marriage but I don't think it's a foregone conclusion.  Aside from that option, you can still make the choice to end contact with your soulmate (you don't need his permission), accept that decision, detach emotionally, and grieve this loss.  It will hurt a lot but you will move on. You might never forget this connection, but the pain of cutting it off will slowly fade.  If you choose this path, make this decision cleanly and decisively. If you continue to be in touch with your soulmate, you are still, in effect, making a decision.  Your feelings would likely continue to grow, distance can be bridged, and something's will give sooner or later. My guess is that the advice to end things with your soulmate would fall on deaf ears, not because you think it's it's a bad idea, but because you are already in deep. It might also be worth it at some point to revisit your regrets in your 20s.  Perhaps you can see the irony that the same construct that held you back in your 20s is still the same one that is holding you back now, just in a different form.  I think it's likely that those feelings of regret will affect your decision-making here, so you might want to keep those regrets in check.

- As far as the Myer-Briggs theories, I'm fairly confident that you are in the INF archetype.  To truly connect with someone in the way you have described is rare (and life changing).  I have only come across that kind of connection only once in my life, to this day.  Under "normal" circumstances, these are the stuff that love stories of made of.  In these circumstances, they often become heartbreaks.  It's a very fine line. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[IfWishesWereFishes]

Soul-shard, you haven't been very clear. Did this pen pal of yours actually directly say that he considers there to be something between you or is this all in your head? I scanned through your many posts, but it doesn't seem like there's really anything going on except that you really seem to want some kind of proof that there is a relationship between you two. Have you ever directly just asked him if he feels the same about you? It's quite confusing. If this is just all in your head, then you're here to find some kind of validation that this is somehow real when maybe it's all not real at all and you just wish that your pen-pal were actually attracted to you. I don't understand. For most people, it's quite clear that it's an affair - in other words, they have done and said things that are like I love you, you're my soulmate or they show it through physically being together, etc. From what you describe, it just looks like you're obsessed with the pen-pal and wish there were more and trying to get some kind of validation that you're in an affair, which is weird.

[elaine567]

Soul-shards is neglected and starved of resources so she is withering on the vine.
Along comes Mr Penpal doling out superior nutrition and fresh cooling water and she is rejuvenated.

It however is a temporary fix and already she knows she needs more, but is stuck and imprisoned by her cosy life at home.
In order for real change to occur, she needs to break free and take a huge risk, but is she up to the task?
A cost benefit analysis tells her no, but she is still playing with fire anyway.
She may not want change but change may come to her anyway..
Is Mr Penpal her real Soulmate, her real Twin Flame or just a guy who takes a lot of interest and has managed to tap into the "real her".
I  guess it was not that difficult.
Feeding a starving woman is usually not all that hard.
 

[BaileyB]

The more she writes the more I get the sense that she will feel unfulfilled in any relationship. She is searching outside herself when the problem, the discontent, lies within. 

[mark clemson]

^^ There's is certainly truth to this. "Contentment comes from within."

There's also truth to the idea that it's hard to be truly content without your needs being met. Some manage but they are the hermit and guru types of the world who practice self-renunciation and such (some of them anyhow).

For the rest of us, there's Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs of which love and belonging are 3rd up on the list. So, I think it's there ALSO truth to the idea that it's genuinely hard to feel content, for many, in a loveless marriage.

[Whaatamidoing]

This is a really interesting thread.

The feeling I had and continue to have of butterflies whenever I think of the MM I was involved with I felt were what kept me addicted (currently in the process of everything falling apart).  I fancied him in so many more ways than just the usual thought he was good looking, I accepted and loved all his flaws. A much deeper connection than past relationships I have had. I have struggled to work out what it was about him and about us that made what we had so special but I do have to say that my disappointment came in massive amounts after discovering this website and discovering that my amazing romance was pretty much text book. To be fair, I think most of the people on here are here because it hasn't worked out or isn't working out the way they hoped and are hoping for advice from like minded people. 

The reason I find the thread so interesting is because I cant help but feel your feelings of wonderment about your soulmate are because the relationship hasn't progressed. I say this because I found myself heartbroken recently when talking with the MM about his past relationships. I knew he had been engaged a few times before he got married and had many girlfriends (didnt marry until age 41) he told me he gets bored easily he was talking sexually and something in my mind just clicked that why after 7, nearly 8 years we are not together. He knows that the thrill is all in the chase, he knows that if we were a couple he would have got rid of me after year 1. He enjoys the thrill, the secrecy and that is what keeps his life interesting. I know most people will be surprised it took me so long to realise this but I really did think we were different. 

My point being that I wouldn't take back and don't regret all those feelings of longing between us, I'm glad that I wont live to be 100 and wont wish that id fallen in love because I know i felt it and in the good times i really think he felt it too, it was electric between us.

Unfortunately though reality checks in, life gets in the way and i think this is also true in marriages. Many people look for an affair to feel good again, to forget about the argument about whose turn it is to empty the bins, clean the toilet etc etc. My mistake was believing I could live in domestic bliss with this man when he was using me to get away from the drudgery at home, he didn't want and had no intention in our relationship ever turning into domestic drudgery (he knew his limits). To be fair to me, he wasn't honest about this in the beginning and I spent a number of years believing it may one day turn into more. He then committed to a huuge mortgage and it was painfully clear he wasn't leaving but for me it was too late, I loved him and letting go was never going to be easy.

If you are both on the same page then thats great but often when there are two people involved with different experiences in life, chances are there will be some push and pull with what each of you needs at some point.  

 

[Minneloa]

18 hours ago, Soul-shards said:

Reflecting on both SMoore's and Acacia's inputs above:

This is why I've come to wonder whether an actual A, with no expectations of this ever turning into marriage, Forever After, and other Disney stuff -  might be the answer.  Wouldn't that involve killing the ego, smoore? I can kill my ego, but not this need. If I could have killed it, it would have been dead after 20 years. It's not.  

 

I am a bit confused here. Earlier, I believe you said there was no chance of an actual, physical A with this person. Could you clarify this point?

[Soul-shards]

I have read carefully all the recent input for which I thank everyone. I didn't originally mean to start this thread as a request for advice/help but on the way, I did end up asking for some views on certain aspects of my situation. Thank you all. I am very thankful for the time and interest people took to offer their views. You have all been very kind (critics included) - much nicer and reasonable than some in another community where a few had such attitudes and trains of thought that could literally make one lose faith in humanity. Some people...oh, Good Lord.

All of this is helpful because it  gives me a better idea of what is going on out there - how the general "social thinking" goes, and how it might play into his decisions and motivations - even though I know him in ways few people get to know others, including their spouses.

My original intention with the thread was to make a point: that not all affairs are the same; that not all boil down to what it looks like from a standard, superficial angle (just some mistake and momentary fog, shoulda worked on M instead or just D); and that not all are inherently toxic even though the social constraints certainly are. 

Let me make this clear: if he becomes open to more, I would go for it. Yes - a full blow affair. I know that now. It's not fog, it's not a momentary mistake, none of that. I would engage.

I will address some of the points and questions above, but for now I just wanted to reply to mark's comment about a "loveless marriage."

It would probably be over-the-top to call it this way. My H and I are attached to each other (some could argue co-dependent?) and we DO have a lot of affection for each other. There's no doubt in that. It's just that for me, it was never enough. It's that simple. Our incompatibility on a certain dimension (not all, just that one!) eventually poisoned all else.

It's not a momentary, midlife crisis whim - it has always been an issue. Simply not enough. I needed more from this marriage, that thing turned out to be essential. Greedy? Maybe. But it's still the truth.

Why I didn't I act when there was still time to fix the mistake?

Well...for the same sensible, socially correct narratives I get here now.

Stories about working on the M. Contentment coming from "within." Nobody being perfect (and sure enough, nobody seemed to be). Good M-s taking hard work. Faith, loyalty and determination. Conservative upbringing in a messed-up, disordered, non-conservative world leading to poor matching. The former - I still fully endorse; the latter (the conditions under which the conservative upbringing manifests itself) - H*ll no.  (Nope, we won't get into politics, I promise.) Then children being a priority.  Maybe also some perfectionism and fear of failure. The works.

Does it even matter now why I didn't divorce when this would have still qualified as a sane option, after seeing this M was comfortable but not "hitting the spot?" I didn't understand at first how important this was to me, but over time, it became clear. Well, all that is irrelevant now.

Now that D is not an option anymore, it means other things must be. Because then what?

 

[Soul-shards]

7 minutes ago, Minneloa said:

I am a bit confused here. Earlier, I believe you said there was no chance of an actual, physical A with this person. Could you clarify this point?

I will in a bit. Unfortunately, this is getting me close to info I would rather not disclose due to privacy concerns. But I will try some roundabouts, because I know certain things don't make sense to some here.

[Soul-shards]

18 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Soul-shards is neglected and starved of resources so she is withering on the vine.
Along comes Mr Penpal doling out superior nutrition and fresh cooling water and she is rejuvenated.

Not a bad metaphor.

Quote

A cost benefit analysis tells her no, but she is still playing with fire anyway.

Right. One ends up wondering which death is worse: by fire or by suffocation under meaninglessness. Some opt for fire.  

Quote

She may not want change but change may come to her anyway..
Is Mr Penpal her real Soulmate, her real Twin Flame or just a guy who takes a lot of interest and has managed to tap into the "real her".
 

How much interest, really? He's got nothing better to do? After a while, it gets old. I can assure you Mr. Penpal is a very busy and productive person, impressive in fact. With access to his professional area and work output, in addition to our private connection - I know a lot about what's going on with him. (No, we are not in a professional relationship - like co-workers or subordinate-supervisor etc, but we have common areas of interest. I have access to his work).

Quote

I  guess it was not that difficult. Feeding a starving woman is usually not all that hard.

Depends on the starving woman and what she starves for. In 20+ years, any man with some antics could have come by to offer some ...um...feeding. Didn't happen because it wasn't antics I was after. Labels aside, this man and I have extremely similar internal lives and outlook on life, and the connection was more meaningful than anything I've experienced.  So yes, it was easy for him, not that he aimed towards anything like that.  It happened naturally.   

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The more she writes the more I get the sense that she will feel unfulfilled in any relationship. She is searching outside herself when the problem, the discontent, lies within. 

l respectfully disagree. This line of thinking assumes all partners are created more or less equal and that the level of compatibility with a life partner has nothing to do with people's happiness and quality of life. This is incorrect. Would you be equally happy with anyone if you were "content from within?" (whatever that means).

I bet an incompatible/frustrating life partner could go a long way in messing up anyone's enlightened "contentment from within." Just MO.

11 hours ago, Minneloa said:

I am a bit confused here. Earlier, I believe you said there was no chance of an actual, physical A with this person. Could you clarify this point?

Well, we ARE a few states apart. Anything is possible but physical A-s are surely not handy when the AP-s don't live in reasonable driving distance.

On 2/25/2021 at 11:45 PM, Pumpernickel said:

 They could be unattractive, too short, they could be of any gender, not as witty as they present themselves to be “online”, withdrawn, shy, inhibited, nervous, etc. -

  None of that. Let's just say we have all the info needed - this is not just a 'blind' correspondence. 

22 hours ago, IfWishesWereFishes said:

Soul-shard, you haven't been very clear. Did this pen pal of yours actually directly say that he considers there to be something between you or is this all in your head?....

Yes, recently - that there could be. 

At first, I had no direct evidence that there might be something on his end too, other than some tension...but in the end, things got tangible and words were said.  

 

@spiritedaway2003 - you are very much getting this situation, which I agree - it's odd. I will comment a bit more tomorrow.

Edited February 27, 2021 by Soul-shards