After a while, it gets tiresome.

[Soul-shards]

1 hour ago, sandylee1 said:

I don't think it's so much sacrifices, as opposed to limited options and the marriage not being that bad. My understanding of what's been said is it doesn't make sense to leave, when there's no better option that what she's currently got.

Even if the MM proposed a physical affair, that wouldn't lead to the end of the marriage for the OP.

The aim of an affair is usually not to get caught, especially for 2 married people. 

There you have it.

[HappyAgain2014]

2 hours ago, Soul-shards said:

Conclusion?

Yes. If the MM called from a hotel - I'd go.

I will gladly answer any other question that would make the original point of this thread: something's gotta give.

Not all A-s are the same.

If only I could have this A for real at this point - but it is extremely non-doable. 
 

Most affairs are the same. They start with intrigue and end with disaster. You’ve created this fascinating intellectual equal out of your MM but that’s because you see one side of him. It’s a side he controls and definitely isn’t all of him. For all you know, he’s a slob. He could be a crappy father. You really have nothing to go by other than what he tells you. You’d be surprised how perfect a MM can be to OW. Quite frankly, the pool of women interested in MM is relatively small so they have to come on strong and present a perfect image of a long suffering husband and father. Manipulation at its finest. 

[HappyAgain2014]

3 hours ago, Soul-shards said:

There you have it.

That’s how it starts but most end up with one of the APs, usually the woman, wanting to end their marriage to be with their AP. That’s when this perfect scenario goes to hell. 

[Soul-shards]

19 minutes ago, HappyAgain2014 said:

3 hours ago, Soul-shards said:

Most affairs are the same. They start with intrigue and end with disaster. You’ve created this fascinating intellectual equal out of your MM but that’s because you see one side of him. It’s a side he controls and definitely isn’t all of him. For all you know, he’s a slob. He could be a crappy father. You really have nothing to go by other than what he tells you. You’d be surprised how perfect a MM can be to OW. Quite frankly, the pool of women interested in MM is relatively small so they have to come on strong and present a perfect image of a long suffering husband and father. Manipulation at its finest. 

You said MOST affaisr. I speak for those who are no "most."

As for this MM, you could not be more wrong.

1. He's not my intellectual equal. He is miles above and it feels absolutely wonderful.

2. I have other sources of information that speak to who he is, outside what he tells me. Other people speak about him too and what comes out corroborates. He is certainly not a slob or a crappy father. 

3. He has not done a single thing or written a single letter that could qualify as manipulating me to project an image of long suffering H and father. On the contrary.

I find it interesting to see how people will insist on a simplistic narrative, no matter how inaccurate, to maintain the absolutism of their moral dogma and allow for no exceptions, ever.

As they say - if it has all the answers, it's fake.   

 

Edited March 2, 2021 by Soul-shards

[Soul-shards]

12 minutes ago, HappyAgain2014 said:

That’s how it starts but most end up with one of the APs, usually the woman, wanting to end their marriage to be with their AP. That’s when this perfect scenario goes to hell. 

Key word: most. I don't. If he was to come closer to the idea of an A, I would probably be in the same situation he is: NOT wanting/being able to end my M, but longing for the A. 

Lately, I have received some indications he might be open to that in the future - but they vague so I still consider the possibility that I am reading too much into those statements.  

 

[HappyAgain2014]

45 minutes ago, Soul-shards said:

You said MOST affaisr. I speak for those who are no "most."

As for this MM, you could not be more wrong.

1. He's not my intellectual equal. He is miles above and it feels absolutely wonderful.

2. I have other sources of information that speak to who he is, outside what he tells me. Other people speak about him too and what comes out corroborates. He is certainly not a slob or a crappy father. 

3. He has not done a single thing or written a single letter that could qualify as manipulating me to project an image of long suffering H and father. On the contrary.

I find it interesting to see how people will insist on a simplistic narrative, no matter how inaccurate, to maintain the absolutism of their moral dogma and allow for no exceptions, ever.

As they say - if it has all the answers, it's fake.   

You have an issue believing your situation is a typical affair. Everyone believes theirs is special until it becomes clear it isn’t. My comments aren’t based on anything to do with a dogma. It’s experience, common sense, and many years of reading the same story on this forum. Quite simply, it’s all rinse and repeat. Best of luck playing with fire. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Have you ever met this person?  Video chatted?  Are you in love?  

If he said he was leaving his W to pursue this with you, would you THEN consider a divorce?

[Soul-shards]

Just now, Allupinnit said:

Have you ever met this person?  Video chatted?  Are you in love?  

If he said he was leaving his W to pursue this with you, would you THEN consider a divorce?

I can't answer some of these q-s due to privacy reasons, but yes - we know each other.  

Yes to the third question, on my end. I don't know about him being classically "in love" with me, I wouldn't ask at this stage - but recently he communicated there seems to be some kind of feelings involved. 

Only under conditions of excellent outcomes for all left behind would I consider that; this means chi

But that's the thing: he wouldn't leave his M to pursue this with me so this is out of the question.

[lana-banana]

More than once we've had posters here proclaim that their affair is totally different, not like the rest, etc; and while I acknowledge every relationship is unique, this thread reads just like so many others I've seen on this board to the point where I could even guess the "twists" (he's a genius, he's not leaving his marriage, he hasn't said he's in love, they haven't met or said anything sexual...)

I don't have any affair experience so I don't say much in these threads, but this subsection of the board contains some of the wisest people on the entire internet. I would listen very carefully to what they have to say rather than start off by assuming they're all wrong.

[Soul-shards]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

More than once we've had posters here proclaim that their affair is totally different, not like the rest, etc; and while I acknowledge every relationship is unique, this thread reads just like so many others I've seen on this board to the point where I could even guess the "twists" (he's a genius, he's not leaving his marriage, he hasn't said he's in love, they haven't met or said anything sexual...)

I don't have any affair experience so I don't say much in these threads, but this subsection of the board contains some of the wisest people on the entire internet. I would listen very carefully to what they have to say rather than start off by assuming they're all wrong.

I know my case, lala-banana.

What exactly do you want me to listen to when it comes to what these wise people have to say?  That it's like all other A-s and MM won't leave his fam?

I already know that. I am not expecting Disney from this. I never did. 

[pepperbird2]

Op,

I could be misinterpreting your words, and if so, I apologize.
To me, you come off as very patronizing towards your husband. You sound like you feel like you are somehow above him in some way. It also sounds very much like you are using him for whatever reasons, and I don't think it's limited to just that you have children together.

If you were just staying for the kids, then when they were grown and "flown the nest", you would have no reason to stay, yet a few pages back ( again. sorry if I misunderstood this) you say that even when they are adults, it would hurt them too much if you and your husband were to split. To me, that sounds like an excuse.

I think you stay with your husband for a whole lot of reasons, one being he's your safety net., As much as you try and convince yourself you are staying for him, I get the impression it's really the other way around. You stay for you. The paradox of your situation is that the whole reason you can explore this other  "spiritual" relationship ( for lack of a better term) is that you have your "rock" at home. Remember, just as a rock can weigh you down, it can also steady you, provide you with strength and security.

In the end, the one(s) who have to live with this are you and your husband. I know WS like to think that their BS never knows, but we do. Often times, we don't recognize it for what it is, but the hurt is there. I once heard it described as hurting in the "spaces between people". Unless a WS is a straight up psychopath, and very few are, they drop hints without even realizing it. Most BS won't say anything, but it's still there. The distance, the duplicity.  I honeslty don't feel that, unless they have stood in the shoes of BS, a WS can ever understand this.

Mind you, this is all just my own opinion. You, of course, may feel very differently.

[LostMoon]

Soul-shards, thank you for this thread.  

 

Feels like soft fresh milk poured in to very black coffee.. 

 

I understand you, as im my self are in very similar situation. 

[Soul-shards]

Quote

To me, you come off as very patronizing towards your husband. You sound like you feel like you are somehow above him in some way.

People automatically get defensive when they hear about intellectual/spiritual incompatibility. They are afraid someone is "down-ranked" in the process or that someone claims they are somehow "superior."  Some people simply need more complexity and depth in interaction than others - and that need is vital. Some women also need leadership in this area from their partner. This doesn't make them neither inherently "better" nor " patronizing." It's simply a need they have which they cannot ignore. If they do, they fall into depression eventually.

H has struggled to fill this need for 20 years. This is not something new. Like many others, I have followed conventional advice for years, such as "work on M" and "grass is not greener."

Today I am convinced this was NOT good advice to follow in our case earlier in the marriage -  but now it's too late NOT TO follow it.  

Quote

You say that even when they are adults, it would hurt them too much if you and your husband were to split. To me, that sounds like an excuse.

 

To you. Not to us. If this MM was somehow available after our children were grown and secure, and if I knew my H could also find someone else suited for him, and if we could still have our Holidays with our children togethe, happily and amicably - then yes, I would consider it. But these are huge If-s with virtually 0 chances of realization.

Quote

I think you stay with your husband for a whole lot of reasons, one being he's your safety net.

Economically, we are each other's safety net and together - our children's. Emotionally, I am his. He is the one who says 'stay anyway' even knowing I am not fulfilled in the M. 

 

Quote

I know WS like to think that their BS never knows, but we do.

I am sure. The thing is my H was already informed about our problem, which was there before MM; so he knows I am not OK.

 

Quote

I honestly don't feel that, unless they have stood in the shoes of BS, a WS can ever understand this.

I heard this so often in the other community and while I fully agree 100%, it is frustrating to see this line bandied about as if BS pain is the only kind of pain which only fellow sufferers can understand.

Pain in various forms is part of the human experience. Nobody ever understands us unless they have been in OUR shoes, whatever types of shoes we wear. If we lost a child, only parents wo lost one too can REALLY understand. And even then, the understanding from fellow sufferers is not complete because there are individual variations in neuro-wiring.

The same thinking can apply to the crushing reality of falling in love with someone off-limits. The sense of longing and pain is excruciating. In fact, unrequited or impossible love are acknowledged in psychology  as some of the most excruciating experiences a human can endure.