Virtual to IRL to Ghosting to Texting

[PatriciaEG]

Long story short, I met a guy on a dating app back in October. Due to Covid we kept things virtual until January. We talked, video chatted at least once a week. Texted every day. Shared videos, pictures etc. He told me he was smitten with me. Looking for the one, not looking to hook up, crazy about me. Thought of us as a virtual couple and when we met we would be a couple on another level. We mailed each other xmas gifts, just so involved in each others lives. He said all the right things and was everything I was looking for. He was willing to wait to meet and respected that I was in contact with high risk people. We finally got to meet and a few days before meeting he starts to feel distant, when we met, he felt distant and not nearly as excited to see me as I thought he was or claimed he would be. He was always sending me hugs n kisses and calling me babe and talked about all the plans we would make when we met. We met up three times and all during this time I feel him becoming more distant and more impersonal with the texts and calls etc. In person he wasn't overly affectionate. I was the first one to reach out to hug him, he barley gave me a peck of a kiss. The whole thing was just odd to me. How could you be so crazy about me and then not? So one day I couldn't take it anymore and I texted him I feel like things are weird between us, are they? This was after not hearing from him all the previous night and a very plantonic "Hey" good morning greeting. He never answered my question. I texted him later in the day saying not sure what's going on but I'd love to talk, miss you, give me a call if you feel the same. His response was he was still working and to have a good night. Fast forward two days, still nothing. I texted him that night saying I can't understand what happened but I miss you and care about you but I never thought you would hurt me like this. No response. I can see he is active on Instagram and streaming his gaming stuff.

I didn't contact him since that last text (about three weeks). Yesterday I texted him. He told me before we stopped talking that his dog was going to have surgery. I guess I used this as my excuse to test the waters because I miss him so much and can't get over what happened or why it happened. I said good luck with the surgery, be nice to know how she makes out. He responds instantly and says thanks and tells me his other dog died last night. We texted a bit back and forth and he told me he had to get going to get the other dog to the surgery appt. I said let me know how she makes out later if you don't mind. Later in the day he texts me pictures of the dog and we end up chatting via text most of the night. I don't bring up his ghosting because I didn't feel it was appropriate given the current circumstances. He seems to have moved on and kept himself busy the last couple of weeks whereas I am stuck missing him and very depressed. I don't feel any better of reaching out, I feel more confused than anything because he apparently doesn't mind talking to me and catching up, sharing his life. But never apologized for what he did. I told him last night if he wants to talk or needs anything I'm here and that I meant what I said. I'll always care. He said he knows and thank you and wished me a good night.

I want to reach out today to check on him but at the same time I don't think I should. I want him to reach out to me and want to talk to me. I know he has a lot going on right now but am I being selfish in wanting to know what happened and where we stand? Am I overthinking this and there is nothing to know, he just isn't interested in me? I spent so much time thinking about all of this that I've lost all perspective. 

Should I reach out to see how he is at some point and then ask him why he ghosted me? What happened? 

 

Please help

Edited February 24, 2021 by PatriciaEG

[Fletch Lives]

Well, if it was going to go anywhere, he should be more excited after meeting you than before. 

[JRabbit]

I'm sorry, he loved bombed you.  That is a red flag. You didn't know this person, and that is why you shouldn't invest this much time and energy into something you don't know is real.

It sucks, but he isn't interested. Best to cut contact and move on.  In the future, cut the internet/text dating and meet in person early on.

You are hurt but remind yourself that he isnt the person you imagined him to be in your head.

[ShyViolet]

Stop constantly texting him when he already made it clear through his actions that he is no longer interested in you.  You are coming off as desperate.  When a person does not reply to texts and leaves you hanging for weeks, after you've texted them multiple times, that should be your cue to leave them alone.  Not keep trying and trying to contact them.  

[SaraSays]

This person has made it clear they are not interested in anything with you, so please try to accept that, delete their contact details, and block them, so you don't keep messaging them like this. The pain is no doubt intense, and I am sorry this happened. Once you can come  up for air, this could be a blessing in disguise, if you take what you've learnt here, and avoid making the same mistakes in future.

Try to break the inclination to send text messages to strangers. When we send text messages to strangers, we paint ourselves in an untrue, edited light, and they do the same. As it pertains to strangers, both then invent a perfect illusion of a person, not a 3D person with faults and failings, annoyances, bad tempers, revolting habits... We create superheroes out of people who can only then disappoint us, and we can only then disappoint them, too.

Whilst it's not possible to safely meet in person right now, the bare minimum should be video chatting, so you can get and give a sense of facial expressions,  tone of voice, choice of words, ease of conversation, willingness to discuss anything and everything, and so on. It'd also hopefully give a sense of someone environment - their home, their workplace, the view when they're out walking, etc.

Try to get into the habit, when you feeling something intense for someone, of asking yourself "what proof do I have of x?". An example would be a man telling us he loves us, and us being instantaneously delighted to hear that. If, and when, that happens, we women should be taking time to think through "how many consistent and spontaneous examples of loving behaviour do I see from him?", "what depth of history do we share together, and does it seem reasonable that someone could genuinely have grown to love me at this point?", and "would a stranger on the street see loving behaviour, if they observed how this person treats me in ordinary situations?".

----------------------

If you have time to spare, look up the story of Paolo Macchiarini and Benita Alexander on youtube for balance. He might be someone people would have held up as putting in all the effort in person, showing enormous amounts of interest, doing everything right by the book, and I'm hoping it will show you how flawed any supposed model is if it's being used to manipulate another. It turns out, after all his lovebombing, inclusive of fake planning a wedding, he's a conman living many secret lives.

[PatriciaEG]

Hi Sara,

We did video chat, twice a week at least. We sent videos to each other in between. It was not purely texting. He said these things to me on the video chat, that part of liking me was respecting my decision to wait until it was safe to meet. He didn't seem to have any problems communicating, talking about the future being real etc. 

He did mention that he has ADD and is on medication for it. He was also troubled by his parent's divorce when he was younger. I don't know if these are factors but just more information. 

[SaraSays]

I undersood it was both, and you also met in person, but any texting with a stranger is fake on our parts and their's. We present a charade, as do they. If your intention is to get to know a stranger, stay away from texting that's beyond confirming plans (8pm at place x). Texting creates a perfect illusion of us and the other person, nothing genuine.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, PatriciaEG said:

I told him last night if he wants to talk or needs anything I'm here and that I meant what I said. I'll always care. 

Why would you offer this for a guy who didn't have enough respect for you to not ignore your repeated attempts to communicate? 

You need to have more respect for yourself, and not pander to a dude who ghosted you. His parents divorce when he was younger has nothing to do with this. Neither does his dog's surgery. Those things don't mean he's incapable to basic courtesy. 

He's just not into this anymore and is fine to let text a bit but also to let it fizzle. 

Next time, don't get so caught up in an online fantasy. When a stranger comes on that strongly before you've even met, it's not romantic - it's a red flag. You can see that the fantasy did not match the reality here, so I would let this one go. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, PatriciaEG said:

He did mention that he has ADD and is on medication for it. He was also troubled by his parent's divorce when he was younger. 

Sorry this happened. It doesn't seem like it's about you or about the above. It sounds more like he is talking to and meeting others, since you were not exclusive. You should be doing the same. Keep in mind talk is talk and texting doesn't mean much.

[PatriciaEG]

Recently I decided to dip my toe back into the dating apps, just to see how I feel and try to get myself motivated to get back out there. Updated a few pics. And today I came across his profile. He changed maybe a sentence or two but otherwise it’s pretty much the same. And I’m devastated. I assumed this would happen at some point but I feel set back to weeks ago when it first happened.

I know if he doesn’t want me I shouldn’t care what he does and I need to move on for me. But boy does this hurt. It’s so hard to find someone you connect with and you just jive with. For him to just throw it all away, I still can’t understand it. Because he stopped "feeling it". Do you think he’ll realize that we had something special and come back? I know I've been trying to start conversations with other guys in the past two weeks and so far not even a hint of interest on either side. Nothing seems to flow as easily as it did with him. I hate the phase now but we "just connected" from the first message. 

Feel heartbroken all over again just when I thought I was getting some momentum back in my step. I'm angry that he's moved on and left me behind. Does that make sense? I feel like he broke my heart so badly and he's still out there, just going about his life. I hate him for what he's done and that I can't seem to do the same. Seeing his picture just brought back all the memories. I had been no contact and not looking at his social media and I just blindsided today seeing him. Felt like I was really making progress.

I know he's no better than me, that he's not better or anything more special than any other guy. The fact that he was able to ghost me should make him the most unattractive and distasteful man in the universe but my heart still hurts. I've gone back to missing him all over again.  

 

[poppyfields]

Patricia, I just read a big long article yesterday on a very reputable psychology website on ghosting and why men (specifically) ghost, especially when things appear to be going well, they're opening up, getting closer, blah blah.... it was quite enlightening.

DO NOT take this personally, him ghosting has nothing to do with you or his feelings for you, not in the way you think anyway.  In some cases, yes it does mean what everyone assumes it means (he's suddenly lost interest, no longer cares), but not here imo, not after reading this article and listening to actual men explain why they ghosted.

The number one thing the article and the men confirmed was that it's about FEAR.  Especially as they begin feeling close.  The number of men who admitted to this was astounding, I was shocked!

I don't have time to get into, I will try and find the article and link it if I can later, maybe even start a new thread.

But again, please try to not take this personally, it appears that there are a fair number of men who find women, or a particular woman, more intriguing at a distance, on line or very early stages of dating, but when it or she becomes real, they are unable to hang with it, the anxiety, the insecurity, the jealousy (yes the men admitted to feeling extreme jealousy once they began caring), fear of getting close and GHOSTING.

He's is back on the app seeking his next safe fantasy, and there is very little doubt (in my mind at least) that once he begins feeling a close emotional connection to that woman and she becomes real, he will ghost her as well.

I am sorry, hope you feel better soon.  Hugs.

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, PatriciaEG said:

Do you think he’ll realize that we had something special and come back?

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings, but it's important to realize that what you had was largely a fantasy.  There isn't anything truly tangible to come back to, so to speak. 

You two both built this way up before actually meeting each other, which creates too much false intimacy and sets expectations too high. You can't really hedge any bets on someone without truly getting to know them, which cannot happen online. You need much more time together in person to really build something and assess whether there is real potential. 

I can understand why you're disappointed and why it stings. However, it would be wiser to ask yourself why you got so attached to someone who was virtually a stranger and allowed yourself to get this carried away with the idea of who he is. You don't actually know him in any significant way. Keep that in mind when you feel angry, and remember to keep perspective and both feet on the ground when you happen to meet a new guy. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Virtual connections and online connections can sometimes hurt more than the ones we have in real life. At first I thought this dude had a rough patch lost his dogs and must be sad but then I read he's active on dating apps. Dear, this happens more than you think.  And the same happened with me too. Just like you've been told he met you in real and didn't find you interesting or let's say you didn't matched up the imagine he had in his mind when you met him online.  By imposing this distance and by acting distance he gave a hint to you politely that he its over, he doesn't wanna hurt your feelings. 

Cease contact with him,  bcz you got attached to him too fast and in short period of time and he sees you as a friend. And trust me if you communicate more with him you gonna hurt yourself while he tells himself ohh she happy with us just being friends. Focus on something else it's better it ended in initial stages only.  Take care.  Good luck

[PatriciaEG]

Thanks all.

Poppyfields, if you can find that article and post a link I would really appreciate it. And thank you for your post. It was very helpful and supportive.

I haven’t been in contact with him for several weeks and I don’t intend to reach out to him. Just seeing him today on the dating app brought this all back.

How do you stop yourself from getting invested without the other person thinking you aren’t interested or are holding back? Especially in circumstances like COVID quarantines? And when the other person is laying on all the niceties real thick? If COVID wasn’t happening I would have met him IRL after the first or second phone call. Waiting 3 months is not what either of us wanted but we wanted to be safe. 

I guess I thought it was real and got swept up in the romance of it all. He seemed so perfect and was doing and saying all the right things. If I look back I couldn’t really believe it but I guess I liked it so much I didn’t question it. 
And yes it sort of does invalidate my feelings...And I know you don’t say these things to hurt me, but to help, but it sort of makes me feel crazy. That what I was feeling wasn’t real or that it meant more to me than him. Or that I latched on to him and chased him down and this is somehow all my fault. I will definitely accept responsibility for my actions or for getting attached too soon but I don’t think this was all my doing.

I sit back and think about what it was that I really liked about him and I don’t even know anymore. I’ve thought about it all so much and really thought I was past it but seeing his picture today just sent it all rushing back to me. Like having a drink after months of sobriety. Leaves you confused, disgusted with yourself that you missed the drink even while you know it is bad for you. My solace is that I didn’t seek him out, that it was just a random pop up on a dating app.

At the end of the day I guess none of my analyzing really matters. It was what it was. It is over now and I have to give myself closure and start over, back on the road to sobriety. Even if he was to contact me, I don’t know how I would allow myself to accept him back in my life.  So why do I wonder about these things? SMH.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, PatriciaEG said:

How do you stop yourself from getting invested without the other person thinking you aren’t interested or are holding back? Especially in circumstances like COVID quarantines? And when the other person is laying on all the niceties real thick? 

By realizing this is usually a red flag when you have never met. 

It's fine to connect digitally but it's important to remember that you need to set a measured pace, and that you don't genuinely know the other person. Seeming perfect is not the same as being perfect, and frankly, nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws, and that's something you can generally only really discover by spending time together in person. 

In short, keep in mind that before you meet (and spend ample time together) it is just a nice idea. It is not solid enough to pin hopes on. Your feelings of hope and excitement were real, but what were they based on when you barely know him? That is my point, ultimately. You are not crazy but you got carried away on this one. Take that as an important lesson moving forward. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, PatriciaEG said:

Recently I decided to dip my toe back into the dating apps. And today I came across his profile. 

Are you both still on the same dating app you started talking on?

It's probably best if you deleted your profile from this app.

Instead get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

All you can do is reset your search and screening criteria.