Getting back self worth

[PatriciaEG]

I was recently ghosted by a guy after dating for 3 months. I went three weeks no contact and texted him two days ago. During that text he chatted with me like I was an old friend, like nothing had happened and he didn't just up and disappear on me. No apology, never acknowledged what he did. I now see this was a big mistake on my part because I am more hurt than ever and see that we will never be together again. During the text conversation he told me how he's lost 10 lbs by choice, rearranged his whole house, cut back on his online gaming, just living his best life apparently, going out with his friends every Saturday. While I have been in the pits of despair the last three weeks. 

How do stop obsessing about him and that he's moved on and honestly does not care one way or another about me? I'm angry that he was able to just rearrange his whole life while I'm still ruminating and feeling sorry for myself. How do I start to get my self esteem up and my self worth back? I keep thinking the loss is bigger for me because he was such a "great guy". That his life is so much better than mine and I'm missing out on so much by not being with him. I know he is no better than me and there is nothing so great about him. The fact that he is cruel enough to just ghost me after three months should be all I need to get angry and say forget him. But I can't find my anger. I know I deserve better and I have moments of clarity where I say enough is enough, I'm not going to think about him but, it's just on a constant loop in my brain that I can't turn off.

How do you recover from this? How do I find myself again? How do I value myself more? I've noticed that when I'm talking to people or outside walking around, I keep my head down, I'm not meeting people's eyes. Almost like I'm ashamed of myself for getting ghosted, for feeling I wasn't enough or did something wrong to deserve this. That I could have prevented it. What was so wrong with me? That he was right in doing what he did and I need to keep trying to fix it. I know in my heart I did nothing wrong and the only thing I did was be too nice to this guy and lose myself because of him. 

I keep thinking how is he able to just completely change himself around in three weeks for the better? Without me? And why can't I get myself together? I just want to stop thinking and obsessing abot him and wondering what he's doing and why everything he is doing is so much better than me. 

Edited February 25, 2021 by PatriciaEG

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. He sounds like a flake. 12 weeks dating is a good time to evaluate either ending things or moving forward.

Don't let one brief romantic disappointment upset you this much. And a 12 week dating situation that fizzled out certainly has nothing to do with your self worth.

[EmpathicJay]

Honestly I doubt that he has his whole life together and is living his best life. He most likely is just telling you that to make it seem like he's better off. Disregard it. He's a dick and a coward plain and simple and the way he ghosted you and then acted like it never happened, proves that.  I know what it feels like to get attached to someone and be ghosted. It's gut wrenching. The worst part for me is he never responded when i tried to reach out again and that only made me mad at myself for sinking so low as to reach out. I cried for months and couldn't see why that was happening to me. the really sad part was i wasn't all of that happy when we were dating. I was annoyed a lot of the time but I was the way he rejected and dismissed me that hurt the most. When someone ghosts you it not only makes you feel discarded like trash but it bruises your ego to the point that you want them back just to prove to yourself that you're not worthless. This is where the problem lies. We should already know we aren't worthless and although i believe ghosting would sting regardless of your level of self-love, it's the obsessive tendencies after that shows that there's a deeper wound underneath. What he did showed you immediately that he wasn't worthy of you. I don't give a s*** what he "accomplished", a person worth being in a healthy relationship with would communicate how they felt instead of disregarding your feeling and treating you that way. Sadness is a natural response but at some point you should move to anger and let that anger propel you right past his sorry ass.

The only reason you don't feel angry like you should  is because you don't value yourself like you should. Imagine if the same thing would've happened to a friend or family member that you loved, how pissed off you'd be. You'd be wanting to tell him off because you;d know the person you love deserved more than that. You're not angry at this guy because you don't know that you deserve more. You might tell yourself that you know but deep down you don't believe it and that's where your focus needs to be. It took me 39yrs to truly love myself and i can tell you that it's a very emotional journey but very much worth it when you get to the other side. It involves questioning everything you believe about yourself and why you allowed yourself to accept being treated so poorly. You need to take time and go back in your mind and see when and where the the poor treatment started. I'm sure this guy isn't the source. If like me you've shrugged off bad memories because you didn't like the way it makes you feel, then you need to go through those memories anyway and allow yourself to feel those emotions that you want to avoid. Feeling those sad or angry emotions will allow you to release them. While you are feeling and reliving experiences, ask yourself what stories were you telling yourself when you had those experiences. For example, when i was a child i used to get teased a lot. I told myself to avoid being teased i needed to make sure i looked and sounded perfect. Of course this is not possible but it gave me a way to blame myself every-time i was teased and it gave me an impossible standard to meet and i carried that, subconsciously, into my adulthood. While you are working through whatever issues you may have, make sure to be patient and kind to yourself. Loving yourself and knowing your worth is not an easy accomplishment but it's worth all the hard work. 

As far as getting over him, allow yourself to be sad when the emotion arises but don't spend too much time feeding into it. Try to focus your time on things that make you feel good and push you ahead mentally, physically, spiritually, or financially. The more you get into yourself, the less you will think about him. In time he will an insignificant memory. I wish you all the best.

[PatriciaEG]

Thank you Jay so much.  I needed to hear those words.

I keep grappling with the fact that I should have pushed him for answers the last time I texted him. I shouldn’t have said I was ok when he asked how I was doing. I should have told him I was hurt and confused and pushed him to tell me why he ghosted me. In some ways I feel like me saying I was ok absolved him from thinking he did anything wrong or feeling bad (if he’s capable of feeling bad). He feels oh ok she’s fine I didn’t do anything wrong. And I want him to know he did wrong, I want him to know he hurt me. But telling him that I’m hurt and confused and miserable only gives him more power and inflates his ego. And I don’t want that. 

I’m two days in to not checking up on his social media and every time i think about him I’m forcing myself to turn it off and think of something else. It is very hard when you don’t have answers. I keep saying knowing the reason won’t get us back together and why would I want to be with someone who runs when a somewhat serious conversation comes up and can just disappear. 

Do you think I should push him for answers or just walk away being the bigger person? 

Thank you all for your responses and support. Having people to turn to in times like this are so important. 

[EmpathicJay]

It's normal to have wanted to confront him. You wanted closure and for him to know he hurt you and to feel some regret but i don't think you would have gotten that from him. He most likely would've given you a reply that was complete bullshit or he would've responded in a way that showed no accountability then he would've disappeared again. As far as you letting him know he hurt you, it depends on your reason behind it. If you are once again looking for some type of closure or acknowledgement of guilt in his respond, please remember if he was emotionally mature enough to give that to you he probably wouldn't have ghosted you in the first place. His response would most likely disappoint you and you don't need to keep going down that road. Now if you want to tell him just to release that energy, then you can always write him a letter cursing him out and telling him everything then burn it. It will release that pint up negative energy and save you the worry that he's looking at your email and calling you crazy or clingy. I know it's hard to move on without closure but sometimes it just isn't possible to receive the type of ending that we want and deserve. Give yourself time. Be patient, loving, kind, and empathetic towards yourself and you'll be through to the other side before you know it. Much luck. 

[PatriciaEG]

You are a goddess Jay, can't thank you enough for your response.

I think I've just been needing someone to validate that I have a right to feel hurt and that the fault lies with him. Even now, I still want to reach out and comfort him since his dog passed away earlier this week. But when we texted this last time,  I offered my support and told him if he needed anything or wanted to talk I'm here and that I still cared about him. He had responded that he knows I care and thank you.  And he still has yet to reach out to me so that really tells me all I need to know. He doesn't want or need my concern or comfort. I'm concerned he's hurting during this time whereas he doesn't care about the hurt he caused me. It proves to me that I have a big heart and someone else deserves it more. He threw that away and it is his loss.

Thank you again.

[PatriciaEG]

I cracked and checked his IG this morning. 

The reason I reached out to him last week was to check on his dog that was having surgery and during that conversation he told me his other dog passed the night before. So I guess that's why he was ok texting with me that day, I was a bit of a distraction to him.  I posted the full story under the breakup forum.

I see he posted a tribute to his dog a few days ago. And it makes me want to reach out to him to see how he is doing. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I keep hurting myself checking up on him and wanted to contact him. I guess I still want that closure even though like you said, he'll never give it to me.  He has his friends and his life and he chose to have that life without me so why do I care? Why can't I let myself let go of him when he already has detached from me?

How did you stop yourself from reaching out to the guy who ghosted you? Who you thought you knew? Everyone on the forum told me what I should do next time, don't get too attached, it was mostly virtual before we met in IRL so it wasn't real, he was a stranger, red flags etc....but how do I survive this time? It's like just when I feel I'm making progress I go back several steps. It was very real to me, I really did feel we had a connection, he told me as much, and then to just turn around and do a complete 180? My mind can't reconcile it. 

And the worst part, like you said, if I did reach out to see how he is and ask for closure, would he be sitting looking at this phone laughing at me? Stupid girl still checking up on me even though I threw her away? That's what he would see. Not that I genuinely cared about him. Why is life so hard sometimes? I didn't do anything to deserve to be treated like this. Nothing at all. 

I wake up with anxiety every morning, it's the first thing that pops into my head. Just re-living it. How it went down, why it did, what he's doing, how he's able to move on without me...just keeps circling. Ruminating at it's worst. 

Edited March 1, 2021 by PatriciaEG

[Pumpernickel]

I can relate. I’m the same way. Can’t switch off the mind movies, and the what ifs. I’ve been firm on NC for 2 months though. Checking his social media was something I did right in the beginning of the breakup, once or twice, but it hurt terribly, and I’d rather throw my phone in the trash than do it again. Do the same! Don’t reach out, even if you think the urge is eating you up. He knows how to reach you if he wants to. If you feel the urge to check up on him one way or the other, find a quick distraction. Text a friend, make some tea, do 30 squats, water the plants, vacuum the living room, whatever....... just keep busy with something small to get yourself through the next 10 minutes. 1 Minute at a time. We got this!! Much love!

[EmpathicJay]

I have been there. I had a real life relationship with a guy and it was like a fairy-tale. He was what i really thought i wanted at the time and i knew for certain that he'd be the one then out of no where he ghosted me. I was so shocked and confused that i called and messaged him constantly. He never responded which hurt me more and left me wondering what i did wrong. What eventually got me to stop reaching out was constantly reminding myself that this man considers me to be worthless. It was a stab in the heart every time i had to tell myself that but it's what was necessary in order for me to let go. You have to allow yourself to move past empathy and concern for him, to anger for how he treated you. The truth is you're a kind, caring, empathetic person and he doesn't care. He didn't care enough to be honest with you, he doesn't care enough to hold on to a friendship with you, he doesn't even care enough to give you an honest reason for his actions or to take accountability for his hurting you. Sit with that knowledge and allow it to make you angry enough to move on because you deserve so much more than that. I know you think you are being seen as caring and compassionate by checking on him but in the eyes of many men it's seen as clingy, needy, weak, or unable to move on. In that situation some men will either block you or keep you around in case they need an ego boost then ghost you again when they are done. Don't do it to yourself. Moving on is a hard, painful process and it takes time but when you go back you are restarting the clock for yourself and making the process longer. In all truthfulness, f*** him and his dog. Focus on you. Prioritize you. Check in on you. Pamper you. And do what's going to be best for you in the long run. Since this is easier said then done, also be patient with yourself and understanding. I wish you all the best and don't hesitate to reach out for more support.

[PatriciaEG]

Thanks Ladies ❤️ 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support. Knowing that I'm not alone and will come out on the other side of this heartache helps so much. And just reaffirming to me that I deserve better and he's the a-hole in all of this. Nothing I could have done or did differently would have changed the outcome. This is all on him.

I printed out your posts to keep with me in my moments of weakness. They are the inspiration I need to keep myself strong and move on. Just being able to empty my brain of all these thoughts is so helpful. I will definitely reach out when I'm struggling. I'd like to hope I won't have as many dark days but I won't beat myself up when they come.

Thank you Thank you Thank you. Stay safe and happy. 

[PatriciaEG]

Sundays are hard. I miss him the most on Sundays. Before we met IRL we had a video call every Sunday afternoon. We’d stay on for hours. He would cook for me and we’d talk about all the things we wanted to make together, recipes, places we would go. I loved it so much. I truly thought he was my person. 

I don’t know I’m going to get this pain to pass. I haven’t reached out to him, haven’t checked his social media. I don’t want to hurt anymore but damn it, it hurts so much. Wondering what he’s doing and how he is. If he’s with someone...letting them enjoy his company. Then I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him and then reality hits me...he isn’t missing me at all. He isn’t sitting somewhere crying over me. If he wanted to be with me, he would be. He’s more than happy to be rid of me and I am nothing but a distant memory to him. A mistake. He’s moved on with his life. While I’m stuck. And I guess that reality shakes me to my core. That we will never be, that he won’t be coming back. I don’t know how I could take him back but moments like now, I’d do anything to have him. 

I’ve been trying to keep busy, reading blogs about relationships and self help and self worth and self esteem. Trying to stop myself when my thoughts wander to him. Tell myself what a horrible person he is, for someone to be feeling it so much and then to just not be feeling it all. I don’t want someone like that in my life. But I look at other guys and try to go back to online dating and all of them turn me off. I can’t even muster up the energy to care about any of them. But I don’t want him to win. I don’t want him to find someone while I’m still grieving over him. 

Then I wonder about stupid stuff like if he threw out the things I gave him. Because he couldn’t bear to look at them and not think of me? Or because he didn’t care one way or another and just wanted the clutter out of his apartment? Stupid thoughts. If he isn’t already with someone else, I wonder how he is going to do when he goes back to dating. Will he see how good he had it with me? That it isn’t easy to just find someone that you connect with? That’s what he told me in the beginning. He just felt connected to me, felt warmth from me. You don’t just get that with every girl you talk to? Do you? 

Just rambling..had to get my thoughts out. And I’m hoping someone has some words of wisdom for me. Some comfort. I could really use it right now.