amberp Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 How do you usually work things out with your husband? I always insist that you have to say that you need help, and that you want to spend more time together, and deal with all problems that way. The man has to understand that this is important to you. The main thing is to talk calmly, without pretensions. Does this work for you? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 That is pretty much what we do. You can't drive by real problems or issues by raising them when you are under a time crunch but you can deal with little stuff like that. For example, I usually walk the dog in the morning but I had a big project a work due this morning that has disrupted my sleep for the past 2 nights. This morning as I was rushing out the door & told my husband who was still snuggled under the covers that he had to walk the dog. That's a drive by. When talking about real issues you need a quiet time / space to have an uninterrupted discussion. It's good if you can be specific about what you need but you still have to be open to the other person's needs & expectations. It's a trivial example but when we 1st got together, I hated the way DH addressed cards. All he'd do was sign his name. No Dear d0nnivain. No date. No handwritten message. No love, DH. Made me crazy. So I explained to him the "right way" to sign a card. To him it was stupid but he recognized it was important to me so now he adds those things. It was easy for him to change because he didn't have to guess at what I wanted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 Yes, a partner in a marriage (man or woman) needs to communicate what they want. The partner (man or woman) needs to listen and understand that it's important. That said, not all requests are deemed reasonable by a partner and they may choose to not comply. In this case, it's on the partner to refuse and for the person to understand that they may be asking to much. There's a fine line between getting our needs met and trying to turn a partner into someone else. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 (edited) On 2/25/2021 at 7:47 AM, amberp said: The man has to understand that this is important to you. Mostly I agree with what you said, but the phrasing of this sentence is bothersome. If you approach things with the idea that the other person "has to" do anything, you're likely to not have a good outcome. You can't demand or control how the other person handles things. Maybe you don't approach your communication with him with those words or even with that attitude, but it's something to keep in mind. Beyond that sticking point, I agree with the responses by @d0nnivain and @basil67. Edited February 26, 2021 by FMW 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amberp Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 On 2/26/2021 at 8:30 PM, FMW said: Mostly I agree with what you said, but the phrasing of this sentence is bothersome. If you approach things with the idea that the other person "has to" do anything, you're likely to not have a good outcome. You can't demand or control how the other person handles things. Maybe you don't approach your communication with him with those words or even with that attitude, but it's something to keep in mind. Beyond that sticking point, I agree with the responses by @d0nnivain and @basil67. Thank you for answering me. I meant that the person you love is your support. I don't like that I have to keep reminding him of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 1 hour ago, amberp said: . I don't like that I have to keep reminding him of that. Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately "reminding" can be perceived as nagging. That in itself could make someone resist demands for "support". It's unclear what exactly you mean by "support", but if you mean taking your side or agreeing with everything you say or do, you'll have a rough road ahead. It's also important not to enter this type of parent child dynamic. No one needs "reminding". Certainly he can remember what is important. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, amberp said: Thank you for answering me. I meant that the person you love is your support. I don't like that I have to keep reminding him of that. Obviously people suggest to avoid ‘accusatory language ‘ , be gentle but clear ... but honestly, if a person doesn’t want to acquiesce to another person’s needs, and moreover, doesn’t see any real need to, they’re not gonna. It doesn’t really matter how you come at them with the request. Edited March 1, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 3 hours ago, amberp said: I meant that the person you love is your support. I don't like that I have to keep reminding him of that. He is, I guess an adult and fully in control of his own mind. He is not supporting you as he doesn't want to, full stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wifemomwhoami Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 It is good to be open about your needs, in a gentle way, but that doesn't mean he'll find things as important as you do. If you've told him you want more time together, he knows. It's probably another issue. He probably either thinks that you need too much (needy), or he isn't ready to give it to you (he's hurt or upset about something), or he doesn't want to for some reason (resentment). Try gently asking like @Cookiesandough said above, without accusatory language. As for needing help, yes, we have to ask. People can't read minds. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts