Scrambled Eggs! trying to gain clarity on exactly how I should go about getting my ex back

[Spec1]

 It’s been 41/2 months since our break up,  3years together 32(m) 34(f). I’m the 32(m)dumpee

 My mind is officially scrambled! Not directly because of my ex, but trying to gain clarity on exactly how I should go about getting my ex back.  I’ve hit the acceptance stage, but in the context that. Yes, the break up really happen, there’s no going back pretending like it didn’t. There’s only going forward! For me, that’s stop reflecting on how I could and can change the past but more how can I get my ex that still clearly has strong feelings for me to finally meet me halfway. 

 I’ve been working on myself with online help, in-person counseling, etc... but when it comes to doing it right to unlock her feelings for me again at the level is needed to have a intimate relationship .... everything and I mean everything online from one article to the next is constantly a 180 with guidance.  

I fell into the trap of reading all the articles of does my ex still care, still love me, sign it’s completely over, there’s still a chance, to no contact. I mean anything the human brain can create in our minds to research and try to gain some grounding as to have the best chance at rekindling feelings... which 99% of the time all those “positive” signs are there but the trap I fell into with it all is believing that meant she wants to come back. Pretty much over-analyzing every text and interaction not looking for “she wants me back” but where she’s at... then I’ll start researching what she tells me. Each article is polar opposite on that as well. 

When in reality, it’s just her going through her process and well... you can’t just flip a switch and not feel anything for that person whether the dumper or dumpee is all I take from it all. 

 The only thing I haven’t truly stuck or even tried full heartily is no contact, but being 41/2 months in it feels a little to late for that at where we both are in our process. Ive tried no contact for a stint which then she reaches out with mixed signals asking me why I’m sending mixed signals because of it. Which in turn pushes her away because it shows her I don’t care on my end... I don’t believe in fate, people can say “move on”  and if she comes back it was meant to be. I’m not wired like that, if you want something you have to put the work in to make it happen... or maybe it’s I lack patience in life I once had to see if it would’ve worked. 

 Won’t get in-depth with our situation and yes I know we aren’t the only couple in mankind to have our type of relationship, but we both know we are soulmates, each other’s person. 

I did my wrongs or inconsistencies in the relationship, but even she admits that looking back that most of what she thought was our problems were just the stress of life, covid, work, her health problems, etc... which then I think about her health problems... how I was there for her every step, even she’s pretty tore up that she let that go. Yet, what really sucks is I loved her unconditionally through that process and now if she moves on. Someone else or just the fact I don’t get to experience that journey with her at her best. 

I could ramble on as there’s so much more depth to it all. However, do know I can’t force her to feel or do anything. My mind is so scramble on what direction to go. Should I do no contact this late? Do I just let go and let “fate” do it’s thing? Because could I use a good long mental reset... absolutely!  Then I think to myself... if I do and there was something I could’ve done differently, now I’d live with regret knowing that. 

Edited February 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarified thread title

[d0nnivain]

When a relationship ends, you simply need to separate on all platforms.  This back & forth occasional communication you are doing makes you confused & keeps you tethered.  While you are still communicating you can't full heal or move on.  

I'm a direct person so I don't pussy foot around.  I'd take the bull by the horns.  Even if you don't share them with us, make sure you know the reasons for the break up.  Obviously you can't cure her health problems, reduce the stress life puts on her or end Covid but there are changes you can make.  You say you have begun therapy which is good.  However, 4.5 months is not enough time to change the lifetime that lead you here.  

That said, I'd ask for a talk & tell her you want to try again.  Lay it out there.  Address each of the reasons she gave for the break up & how you have changed or what you are willing to do.  Ask what she needs to consider reconciling. If you are willing give it a shot.  For example if she's stressed, offer to down load a mediation app on her phone & do the exercises with her.  Commit to walking together every day because exercise releases good endorphins.  

If she says no she is unwilling to try, thank her for her candor & explain that now you have go NC because this back & forth mixed signal BS hurts too much & that you hope she can respect your decision.  Then you really do have to let her go in all ways because nothing is going to bring you back together. 

Sustaining a relationship takes work & compromise.  If she is done, then be done.  

[Spec1]

51 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

When a relationship ends, you simply need to separate on all platforms.  This back & forth occasional communication you are doing makes you confused & keeps you tethered.  While you are still communicating you can't full heal or move on.  

I'm a direct person so I don't pussy foot around.  I'd take the bull by the horns.  Even if you don't share them with us, make sure you know the reasons for the break up.  Obviously you can't cure her health problems, reduce the stress life puts on her or end Covid but there are changes you can make.  You say you have begun therapy which is good.  However, 4.5 months is not enough time to change the lifetime that lead you here.  

That said, I'd ask for a talk & tell her you want to try again.  Lay it out there.  Address each of the reasons she gave for the break up & how you have changed or what you are willing to do.  Ask what she needs to consider reconciling. If you are willing give it a shot.  For example if she's stressed, offer to down load a mediation app on her phone & do the exercises with her.  Commit to walking together every day because exercise releases good endorphins.  

If she says no she is unwilling to try, thank her for her candor & explain that now you have go NC because this back & forth mixed signal BS hurts too much & that you hope she can respect your decision.  Then you really do have to let her go in all ways because nothing is going to bring you back together. 

Sustaining a relationship takes work & compromise.  If she is done, then be done.  

 Here where it makes it a bit harder. Just shy of a month into the break up we tried to reconcile. However, quickly both came to the same conclusion that we tried waaaay to soon. 

we both were trying to work things out while internally/emotionally going through the initial break up stages... almost like what was triggered from the initial couldn’t be stopped. Kinda like trying to handle two different relationships with one person. I’m more in fear that because we tried way to soon before truly working on those issues and forgiving each other for the past and well I hadn’t forgiven her completely for leaving me like she did. That she will hold onto resentments and even acknowledging we tried to soon still see it as (well I gave it another shot) and completely move on. 

It’s clear it could work out, but yes it takes two... it would suck knowing that “second chance” was wasted at the wrong time. She’s the type that doesn’t really do things like that in the first place. So the odds of a third time... you get it. 
 

to have that dynamic as a couple and then to watch it go to waste because I’m not doing the right steps or the proper equation at the right times to even rekindle anything for good is making me frustrated with myself. I’m also not intending on taking any steps in hope right now today we come back together, but ensure in due time it does. 

  

Edited February 25, 2021 by Spec1

[mark clemson]

Here's a link to something called "the 180".

This site has the context of "winning back" a spouse who cheated and is moving on to a new relationship. And there is commentary about "well, why would you even want that cheating spouse back".

However, at it's core the 180 is (IMO) about applying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to help yourself move on emotionally from a breakup. So I think you might find it helpful in your situation as well. Won't fix everything, but should help. Might help a lot.

GL...

https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/

[Dis]

As someone who got back with an ex and is now going through a final break up with that person, my advice is, don't. 

 

It didn't work for a reason. Don't go get the trash after it's been taken out to the out to the curb. It's out there for a reason.