I'm unhappy, he's not.

[90sBaby]

I’m in my late 30’s, and I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. We have three kids together. We’re college sweethearts and have been together/dating for 21 years. He is my best friend, and I am his. I love him very much, but I am no longer in love with him. 

I am no fool to think I will find a perfect man. I know divorce is not easy, and single life/custody is hard and nearly impossible sometimes. But the idea of staying married to somebody I just am not in love with anymore is too much for me to bear. He is a perfectly wonderful human, and I do love him. He suffers from erectile dysfunction, and this has been going on for almost a decade. I have recommended going to a counselor about it, speaking to a doctor, making an appointment myself, or doing anything, and he would rather just ignore it and wish it all away. 

My libido is quite high, and I have always been the one who initiates sex in our relationship, even in college. He could go weeks without, whereas a few days is too much for me. As the years went by and the ED continued on, I backed off putting any pressure on him to have sex. I have really tried to be very supportive and I have asked him to tell me what he needs and I have done everything he suggested. But the issue lingers on. And he still refuses to really do anything substantive about it. So here I am, tried of being supportive of a situation that I feel is not being addressed at all. He just wants to forget about it. It has negatively affected my self-worth and our relationship. 
I have asked him to speak with someone or seek help for years, and he just procrastinated until he thinks it’s “fine” and “fixed”, but the same cycle just repeats itself over and over again. I have no interest in other men, I’m not interested in any affair. My eyes do not wander, but I am so unhappy. I feel unloved and untouched, and so unfulfilled. And yet, I also feel so guilty leaving my best friend. 
We have been seeing a marriage counselor for two years now, but he asked me not to bring up the ED in any of our sessions. So I haven’t. And we have worked on our communication issues and a lot of other marriage issues, which all seem to come from my end because he says everything is perfect and doesn’t seem to have any issues with me. Which boggles my mind. It’s not like I’m perfect, so what is up with that? I honestly don’t understand. And it makes me feel like **** to be the one who has all the issues. I feel so guilty. I feel like I’m giving up on a good thing, but in my heart I know it’s the right thing to do. I know nothing will change, and 10 years from now I’ll be just as unhappy as I am, if not more, and he’ll claim to be perfectly happy as always. 

There are a lot of other issues going on too in regards to our parenting styles and general personalities, but I think the above mentioned stuff is the more important/substantive stuff. 

Can anybody relate to this? I feel so alone. Like I’m an evil witch who’s not happy with a great husband, and yet I know deep in my soul he’s not “great” for me. The guilt is killing me.

[World Peace Guy]

I don't know, but it seems to me like he's the one not in love with you. Love is about priority, and effort. About doing what it takes to make it work. If he loves you, than he'll do what is needed to make you happy, including working on the ED problem, and talking about it in counseling. If he doesn't talk about that, he's not really fully there.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, 90sBaby said:

We have been seeing a marriage counselor for two years now, but he asked me not to bring up the ED in any of our sessions. So I haven’t.

Sorry this is happening.

This makes no sense. It's like going to the doctor and saying "ignore the heart attack on the ekg and let's just talk about my ingrown toenail"

Talk to your own therapist and doctor confidentiality. Also, privately consult an attorney to discuss your options in the event of divorce.

Does he drink heavily or use drugs or have any medical problems?

Is it possible he's having affairs or masturbating excessively?

Overall there seems to be a lot of misery. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

You have to get him to let you talk about the ED with the counselor.  The counselor not having that very important piece of info is huge.  

[90sBaby]

8 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

I don't know, but it seems to me like he's the one not in love with you. Love is about priority, and effort. About doing what it takes to make it work. If he loves you, than he'll do what is needed to make you happy, including working on the ED problem, and talking about it in counseling. If he doesn't talk about that, he's not really fully there.

This is exactly how I feel. I feel like if he did love me like he says he does, he would actively work on the issues we have. He tries to do whatever is easy for him, and then point out that he did this and that, but it’s not what is NEEDED and not what I’m asking specifically for. 
 

I feel alone. I know he’s not there with me. He’s in his own world, happy and wishing things would stay the same without having to do anything he doesn’t want to. I know the ED stuff is super uncomfortable, I know. I know. But I’m willing (and HAVE been) working on it with him for years. I can’t be the only one trying. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, 90sBaby said:

He’s in his own world, happy and wishing things would stay the same without having to do anything he doesn’t want to. 

Is he having affairs? Why can't You talk to the marriage counselor about the intimacy? 

[90sBaby]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.

This makes no sense. It's like going to the doctor and saying "ignore the heart attack on the ekg and let's just talk about my ingrown toenail"

Talk to your own therapist and doctor confidentiality. Also, privately consult an attorney to discuss your options in the event of divorce.

Does he drink heavily or use drugs or have any medical problems?

Is it possible he's having affairs or masturbating excessively?

Overall there seems to be a lot of misery. 

To answer your questions, no, he does not drink at all. Nor does he use any drugs.
 

 Since we’re quarantined and have three kids, I can vouch that he does not masturbate at all because there is literally no place or time to do that. He is not having an affair physically since we go nowhere, but I can’t guarantee he’s not having an emotional affair, though I am very certain he is not. 
 

He is in great shape, and works out regularly lifting weights at home. 
 

Maybe something to add is that he has adhd but doesn’t take any meds for it. 

[90sBaby]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he having affairs? Why can't You talk to the marriage counselor about the intimacy? 

I have not brought it up to the counselor out of respect and courtesy to him and his request. He is very uncomfortable with it, and I respected that he be the one to bring it up. He hasn’t yet, and doesn’t seem to want to. 
 

I am now past the stage of being respectful and constantly understanding of his needs while always putting my needs on the back burner. I feel disrespected because he keeps prioritizing his comfort over our relationship needs. I feel it’s just a dead end. 
 

I know once I insist on a separation, he’s going to try and jump into action and put speaking to the counselor about the ED on the table. But I am so sick of being the one who pushes for anything to get done. I feel like a villain, threatening to leave if he doesn’t do this or that and only then would he do anything. That can not possibly be the way a healthy relationship works. 
 

I absolutely know it’s not the way a healthy relationship works. I don’t want to be the bad guy. If he doesn’t want to work on whatever it is he doesn’t want to work on, I’m fine with it. I’m just not going to stick around. He can be himself, but I can’t be his wife. 
 

[d0nnivain]

Tell the counselor in confidence behind his back & let the counselor help you figure out a way to let him know you told.  The 800 lb gorilla has to be dealt with.  

[90sBaby]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Tell the counselor in confidence behind his back & let the counselor help you figure out a way to let him know you told.  The 800 lb gorilla has to be dealt with.  

I’ve thought of this. I can’t deny it. 
 

Would it be unethical to do so? I just don’t know. Would it be damaging to his trust in me if I did so? I don’t know. I definitely want to, but I feel it’s not something I should dive into if he’s not willing to dive with me. I can’t fix it for him. He has to want to fix it too. You know?

 

perhaps I am other thinking this. Ugh...

[d0nnivain]

You know your hubby I don't.   If you tell the counselor & ask that person  to help you to get him to talk about this very damaging aspect of your marriage I think you are OK ethics wise but seriously the counselor can't be effective without all the facts.  If the counselor thinks the disclosure will harm the marriage then you & the counselor can keep quiet. 

[World Peace Guy]

9 hours ago, 90sBaby said:

I’ve thought of this. I can’t deny it. 
 

Would it be unethical to do so? I just don’t know. Would it be damaging to his trust in me if I did so? I don’t know. I definitely want to, but I feel it’s not something I should dive into if he’s not willing to dive with me. I can’t fix it for him. He has to want to fix it too. You know?

 

perhaps I am other thinking this. Ugh...

It is not in the slightest unethical, that is what the counselor is for, however, this does not mean your husband will not take it badly. He may call it unethical.

In working with World Peace, I see first hand how people act and what is their priorities. When I tell people I have a plan to save mankind, rather than them responding with "I want to help", I get mostly "I also have a plan". They don't have a plan, I've checked over and over. Rather, they just want to feel important. It is all an ego thing. I think that is what is going on with your husband. He just wants to feel important. He wants to feel that he is making the effort, without actually making the effort. He wants to feel like he's the good guy, and make you into the bad guy.

My wife has never showed the slighted interest in sex, which I always assumed was some kind of hormonal problem. Later on, at the doctor's office, she insisted on having a contraceptive device installed, even though she has allergies to metal, so it seemed high risk to me. Even more later on, I discovered her sex toys. Now she tells me that she doesn't love me, and wants a divorce. Even though we have a happy marriage, she's got no interest at all in even trying to make it work. No interest in seeing a counselor or anything.

I suspect your situation may be similar. That this erectile dysfunction problem may be an excuse, and may not actually exist. The main reason I suspect this, is because he seems to be transferring the blame to you, making you into the bad guy. I know this doesn't seem logical, yet my situation doesn't seem logical either. If he had sex before coming home, and then you wanted sex, that could easily seem like erectile dysfunction.

As for why a person would not want you, and want someone else, I can only call that stupidity. We live in a very confused social environment. People are very confused on what love is.

It maybe true that he does have ED, it is not uncommon. That would also explain the transferring the blame thing. Only thing is, it seems like a person who has such a problem would want to find a way to fix it. Not always, but I believe that is usually the case. 

What does the counselor say? Not that his input has much value, since he's missing important information...

[Caauug]

9 hours ago, 90sBaby said:

He is in great shape, and works out regularly lifting weights at home. 

Have you changed? I know you are older and what 3 kids can do to you physically, but have you kept yourself in shape also?

Years ago a work mate of mine got married young, started a family right from the start. The idea was to grow up with the kids, not be old parents. After the second child his wife just gave up, became a SAHM and blew up in size. Her personality changed to always nagging and complaining and would not even clean up after herself or the kids. Looking at the wedding photos it was hard to recognize she was the same person. After a few beers one night he said he was living a nightmare, he had lost all attraction for his wife, hated what his life had become but was never going to leave her. I understood where he was, I felt sorry for him. The kids were the cutest kids and were very active and out going. I lost touch with him a few years after, the kids would be grown by now.

I don't want to victim blame, but sometimes one problem can cause another. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, 90sBaby said:

 Would it be unethical to do so? . 

Unethical? A marriage therapist is there to help both of you and the marriage.

What's "unethical" is lying to the therapist and giving them the run-around.

Actually, not "unethical" but simply wasting your and thier time by going along with this lie that everything is fine in the bedroom.

[90sBaby]

10 hours ago, Caauug said:

Have you changed? I know you are older and what 3 kids can do to you physically, but have you kept yourself in shape also?

Years ago a work mate of mine got married young, started a family right from the start. The idea was to grow up with the kids, not be old parents. After the second child his wife just gave up, became a SAHM and blew up in size. Her personality changed to always nagging and complaining and would not even clean up after herself or the kids. Looking at the wedding photos it was hard to recognize she was the same person. After a few beers one night he said he was living a nightmare, he had lost all attraction for his wife, hated what his life had become but was never going to leave her. I understood where he was, I felt sorry for him. The kids were the cutest kids and were very active and out going. I lost touch with him a few years after, the kids would be grown by now.

I don't want to victim blame, but sometimes one problem can cause another. 

You make a valid point, and I understand what you mean. Even though I am not as skinny as I was before marriage, and yes, 3 kids can do that to ones body, I still take care of myself very much. Before quarantine, I went to Orange Theory (an hour workout class) 5-6 times a week. During quarantine, I now workout at home. I still take care of my hair and makeup almost every day because it makes me feel sane and makes me feel good about myself. I shower daily and shave my legs daily. I agree that keeping oneself maintained is important, mostly for ones own mental health. 
 

My husband on the other hand has issue with this. Yes he works out, but he doesn’t shower daily, sometimes will not change his clothes, forget to put in deodorant, and re-wear the same thing. He lost his hair and does not keep up with shaving or maintaining his hair and facial hair. I have to ask him and remind him to do those things, which is a whole other issue. I mentioned him working out because I wanted to show that his ED is not medically related (High blood pressure or diabetes or sedentary lifestyle). 
 

I am also a SAHM, and know first hand how family life and children can suck a person deep into parenting and one can really lose themselves on the way. I have always been aware of that and tried hard to never forget about myself and my husband and our relationship in the midst of it all. I’m not perfect, I try, and just keep trying. 

[90sBaby]

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to get him to let you talk about the ED with the counselor.  The counselor not having that very important piece of info is huge.  

Thanks to this thread, I have pushed for him to speak to the counselor about his ED. He said he is now willing, and has scheduled an appointment for Monday. I told him he needs to admit to the counselor that he kept this information from him during our couples counseling, and to speak with him on his own for however many session, and make a plan on how to bring me back into the conversation. I want him to do some work on himself without relying on me as a crutch. I will re-join the counseling once he works on himself for a few sessions so the focus remains on him. 
 

Another huge bombshell that occurred in our conversation was that he admitted to watching porn excessively. He said 5-6 times a week. He claims he is not masturbating, but is watching. He has a lot to unpack with the therapist. This information came as quite a shock to me. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. I feel like a fool for answering a prior question in this thread with “I guarantee he’s not masturbating or having an affair”. I guess, What do I know? I thought for sure he’s not, but if he managed to watch porn that often, it makes me think he could do other things and keep that secret too. It’s very overwhelming. 
 

Part of me is still so incredibly resentful that I am still the one who has to push and guide him to do what is obviously logical to anybody. This is also part of my issue with him (outside of the ED). He is always kicking and screaming refusing to get out of his comfort zone, and I am always the one making sure what needs to get done gets done and not just what is comfortable. It’s exhausting. I am so exhausted. I can’t think and try for the both of us all the time. 

[Caauug]

12 minutes ago, 90sBaby said:

He lost his hair and does not keep up with shaving or maintaining his hair and facial hair.

He hasn't lost his hair, it's only migrated to other parts of his body..... That happens with blokes as they age....

All good, thanks, I had to ask the question. Keep yourself in shape, it will always help you physically and mentally...

 

[d0nnivain]

I understand where you are coming from being exhausted because you have always had the laboring oar. 

But him being willing to talk to the counselor about the ED & the porn is a huge step forward 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, 90sBaby said:

I mentioned him working out because I wanted to show that his ED is not medically related (High blood pressure or diabetes or sedentary lifestyle). 

However, what you don't know is if this ED is related to depression, cognitive issues or other neuropsychiatric, metabolic or other cardiovascular conditions. DM and HBP are not the only cause of ED.