Dating a Non-Parent vs a Single Parent

[Dis]

Hey guys!  

 

I'm curious about everyone's experiences with dating single parents. Do any of you enjoy it? Or would you prefer to date a non-parent?

 

From what I've heard, dating a single parent can be rewarding, stepping into the stepparent role. I've heard some say they really bonded with their stepkid and the child actually became a bonus to their relationship. 

 

On the other hand I know many people (including myself) prefer not to date people with kids because of the complications that come along with adding someone else's kid to the mix. Fewer outings together as a couple, less alone time with your partner, behavioral issues with the child, not to mention the ex. 

 

Where do you guys stand? 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Disillusionment373

[Mrin]

Single dad here. I prefer to date women with kids. Dating women who have never had kids does cause some relatedness issues. I wouldn't say never again but after some experiences I would only do so with some forethought and straightforward expectation setting. 

[Dis]

15 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Single dad here. I prefer to date women with kids. Dating women who have never had kids does cause some relatedness issues. I wouldn't say never again but after some experiences I would only do so with some forethought and straightforward expectation setting. 

Probably wise

 

I don't have kids and because of that I wasn't okay with making the sacrifices parents naturally do for a child who isn't mine. Also just trying to adjust to children being around and taking up energy, time, attention and money isn't something we're used to either. Huge routine change on top of everything else. I think it takes a special person to be okay with those things. 

[Miss Spider]

I’ve never been married/not a parent. I wouldn’t be in a serious relationship with someone with kids. Their priorities are different and I never really felt real long term compatibility. Also, I don’t want kids in my life or to take care of kids. However,  if I did, it wouldn’t be someone else’s. It would be my own with someone who only had them with me. That’s just how I feel about it. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Dis]

15 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’ve never been married/not a parent. I wouldn’t be in a serious relationship with someone with kids. Their priorities are different and I never really felt real long term compatibility. Also, I don’t want kids in my life or to take care of kids. However,  if I did, it wouldn’t be someone else’s. It would be my own with someone who only had them with me. That’s just how I feel about it. 

That's how I feel too. I don't want to deal with kids unless they're my own. Stepparenting for me involved too many sacrifices for too little reward. 

 

Who really wants to give up their nights out, alone time with their partner, single life routine for a kid who isn't their's? Don't get me wrong, I know people who have done it. Just isn't for me though. 

[Miss Spider]

24 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

 

 

 

Yes I feel that. Also my experience. Their child is really exhausting/draining and I just don’t feel like it’s as much fun in the relationship. 
 

I feel like your life changes a lot when you become a parent, as it should. If I was a parent, they would become my priority too. However, being a stranger dropped into that is difficult. There’s no real way to adjust naturally. And to just skip over that part of a relationship where you grow together as a single child free couple is missing out on a lot IMO. The sacrifices are okay when they’re your own children. But someone else’s? I’m not so sure. 

More and more people remain childless later and later when I’m from so 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[NuevoYorko]

40 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

That's how I feel too. I don't want to deal with kids unless they're my own. Stepparenting for me involved too many sacrifices for too little reward. 

 

Who really wants to give up their nights out, alone time with their partner, single life routine for a kid who isn't their's? Don't get me wrong, I know people who have done it. Just isn't for me though. 

To each their own.   Kids aren't for everyone.  Nothing wrong with that, but don't project your own values  onto the population at large.  Many people have "really wanted to give up their nights out and the single life" to be with a person who has a child.  For some people, it's a rewarding, fulfilling  experience.  My partner would be one of those.  She had had her fill of nights out and the single life,  bonded with my daughter and never felt threatened, resentful or competitive with her.  Obviously, or I would not have dated her more than a couple of times once I realized how incompatible our lifestyles and values were.

I generally think that people with children are better matched with others who have them; they both understand that children take priority so that conflict is not present.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 26, 2021 by NuevoYorko

[Weezy1973]

I dated a woman with teenage children and she split them 50/50 with their father. Wasn’t a big deal at all, but now having a toddler of my own, it definitely is a complete lifestyle change. 
 

And I’d suggest that not liking the “kids” lifestyle and wanting alone time, nights out etc. might not change whether the kids are yours or not. There are parents that regret making the decision to have kids. They’re largely shamed for it unfortunately. And they still love their kids of course, just acknowledge that it wasn’t the right decision for them. But it is a forever decision, so people must really think hard about whether or not they want to give up the freedoms that the kidless life brings.

[Maldives]

I wouldn't do it again. It's challenging. The kids were great although can get overwhelming lol at times. The ex hovered around like a hover craft. It's hard to make plans re travel etc. If you want to move it's difficult. You have to take in the ex in the equation always. If you break up, you not only lose your connection to your partner but also the kids so it's like double or triple the pain. It depends if you don't have kids yourself like me having an instant family all of a sudden is an adjustment a tough one lol good luck with what you decide 

[Gaeta]

Even with kids grown up I prefer dating a man that had children. There is an unspoken understanding between parents-daters that children are the priority. 

I remember years ago dating a man (for about 3 months) with no children and at the time my daughter was 17. We would see each other 3 times a week and then he started wanting to see me every day. I said I cannot, I have a teen at home and I need to spend time with her, and she needs to spend time with me. His reply was don't let your daughter come between us...In his mind she was practically an adult and didn't need me. Well, it doesn't work that way. Parenting is for life. If my daughter is an adult and if she has an emergency I will get up in the middle of the night and go help, if she has a broken heart I will give her my time, if her home burns my home is her home till she gets back on her feet. If you date a man that's a father he will understand but not only he will understand but he will support you. My ex was a father of 3 and if my daughter ran into some problems he was the one driving across the city to go rescue her. [edited]

So, if ever you date a father again remember, his love and devotion won't stop when kids turn 18. It's for life. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed group berating

[Miss Spider]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

don't let your daughter come between us...

Whoa he sounds like a jerk no way related to not having kids... but I understand your point about parents understanding each other better 

[Mrin]

I hesitate to add this because it could be incendiary, but I think there are generally three core issues here and we've only touched on two:

1) Logistical: time, freedom, exes... We've already sort of covered that ad nauseam. 

2) Priorities: children will always always come first.

3) Character: okay this is the one that we haven't touched on. Being a parent changes one's fundamental character. When I became a parent I became I funadmently different person. It wasn't overnight but it did happen pretty quickly and continues to happen to this day. Don't see this and immediately assume that I am implying that parents are of better character than non parents. Better/worse really depends on the person. But, regardless of the person, they are of a disrinctly different character. 

I suppose you could argue that any major life event has this effect. That's true. But I'd also say that the speed, size and universality at which it hits makes it unique. And the character type mismatch is really easy to see in the interaction  between parents and non-parents. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Mrin

[introverted1]

My kids are grown and independent and in my age group it would be unusual to find a man with kids who weren't also grown.  That said, I would much prefer to date a parent.  Parenting taps into a wellspring of love and selflessness that carries over into other relationships. 

[SaraSays]

There are no absolutes. There are parents who are anything from capable to a danger to kids. It's a spectrum. Having biological kids doesn't miraculously change people, so that they become something entirely different to what they were before that. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. We do know there are lots of unwanted kids, both kids still with their families, and those taken away.

I don't have kids, and would happily be with someone with kids, who's a good parent to their kids. Whenever I speak to friends and colleagues, I ask after their kids, and cherish pic's drawn by their kids for me.

I know plenty of people like me, who think kids bring a lot of joy to the world, and think we all have a duty to the kids of this world to pay into, and advocate politically for, systems that give them the best possible start in life, whether free-at-the-point-of-access public schools and healthcare, whether care and financial support for pregnant mums, or legislative clauses for mums enforcing their right to be able to work whilst raising their kids without punitive consequences, shaming, discrimination, or financial disparity.

[littleblackheart]

Single parent here.

I have no prejudices either way.

I know great step-parents who never had kids themselves, I know people who can't have kids but would have been wonderful parents in another universe, I know parents who didn't manage to take to parenthood as well as they'd hoped for various reasons, there also are, simply put, people who should never have been parents, etc.

I don't know that I have a strong preference either way but if I had to choose, all else being equal, I'd take someone I would consider to be a good parent (involved, interested in their children, attentive to their emotional needs,  protective, etc).

Ultimately, I'd want a good partner who treats those in their lives with kindness and respect, and with whom I share the same values and worldwide view.

Edited February 26, 2021 by littleblackheart

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

we all have a duty to the kids of this world

I agree with this. I believe we ought take care of children that are already here rather than create my own, which I still believe to a large extent. And I actually really like kids and they like me, especially  girls ( I mentored for big sisters) 

 

I thought because of this it would be best to date a single dad. But when I dated a single dad they were just no fun at all. The relationship honestly felt akin to a prison, taking care of his daughter and spending 9/10 of my time with him with her also.  luckily, I did not get in too deep.  So I guess as much as o love kids I am not at a point in my life I wish to be a step mom. 
 

But everyone is different

Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SaraSays]

@Shortskirtslonglashes everyone will have their own ideas about this, but I don't believe anyone has any business introducing their kids to someone they are just dating, nor that a person has any business expecting to be introduced to someone's kids when they're just dating. The minimum safe amount of time after which that could be safe is, I think, after 4 seasons of knowing someone, and seeing consistent good behaviour from them as a partner and fellow human.

I think there has been a dire blurring of lines in recent times, where previous firm boundaries about how, and when, kids might be introduced gently to new partners, are often now overlooked, becaause parents look to teachers to raise their kids, and don't consider themselves reponsible for anything difficult or that requires thought.

 

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

There are no absolutes. There are parents who are anything from capable to a danger to kids. It's a spectrum. Having biological kids doesn't miraculously change people

There are exceptions where the bonding doesn't happen between the parent and child but we're not debating exceptions.

The fact you don't believe something happens to us when we become a parent is part of why I prefer dating another parent. If you have not experienced that moment yourself then you cannot say *you know* nothing special happens.

For 'normal' people becoming a parent means your own life comes second, and suddenly you'd steal beg and bleed for that child. Non-parents can 'understand' that phenomenon, they can be sensitive to it, but I don't think they can fully experience it like a parent. 

It's a little bit like when I was with my ex, I understood what was racism, I could see it and understand it and I was very sensitive to him going through it but because I am white I will never 'fully understand' what it is to live with it.

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

@Shortskirtslonglashes everyone will have their own ideas about this, but I don't believe anyone has any business introducing their kids to someone they are just dating, nor that a person has any business expecting to be introduced to someone's kids when they're just dating. The minimum safe amount of time after which that could be safe is, I think, after 4 seasons of knowing someone, and seeing consistent good behaviour from them as a partner and fellow human.

I think there has been a dire blurring of lines in recent times, where previous firm boundaries about how, and when, kids might be introduced gently to new partners, are often now overlooked, becaause parents look to teachers to raise their kids, and don't consider themselves reponsible for anything difficult or that requires thought.

 

I agree. I think he introduced me too soon. (Prob around 6 mo or less) but it’s not like if he waited longer I would have stuck around. It was awful 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Mrin]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The fact you don't believe something happens to us when we become a parent is part of why I prefer dating another parent.

This. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I generally agree that people are going to click better as partners with someone in a similar situation - single parents or single with no kids. As the parents have pointed out, the kids will always come first. So the priorities are different, meaning there tends to be an inherent underlying conflict of interest. 

Only once in my life did I date a man with kids, in my last relationship. They were grown, but still, there was that unspoken message that "the kids come first" - reasonable, but not attractive to a person without kids.

I'm now back to a strong preference for men without kids.

Edited February 26, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[Dis]

16 hours ago, Mrin said:

Single dad here. I prefer to date women with kids. Dating women who have never had kids does cause some relatedness issues. I wouldn't say never again but after some experiences I would only do so with some forethought and straightforward expectation setting. 

 

14 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

 

Yes I feel that. Also my experience. Their child is really exhausting/draining and I just don’t feel like it’s as much fun in the relationship. 
 

I feel like your life changes a lot when you become a parent, as it should. If I was a parent, they would become my priority too. However, being a stranger dropped into that is difficult. There’s no real way to adjust naturally. And to just skip over that part of a relationship where you grow together as a single child free couple is missing out on a lot IMO. The sacrifices are okay when they’re your own children. But someone else’s? I’m not so sure. 

More and more people remain childless later and later when I’m from so 

That's exactly how I felt in my relationship. Like we just glossed over the fun, lively, relationship building phase and just headed straight for marriage and kids. Big problem. And not just that but when you come into a situation where there's a child in the mix, there's no guarantee you will bond with him or her or that you'll even like the child. And vice versa. So in the end you're giving up everything for a child you might not even like. That's why the sacrifices I made didn't sit well with me. 

[Mrin]

6 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Like we just glossed over the fun, lively, relationship building phase and just headed straight for marriage and kids

Ya that's a good point. When it is parent - parent then you kinda do the matching custody schedules thing and it flows naturally (e.g. dating when you both don't have the kids). When it is parent - non parent it gets awkward because you either do the premature meeting of the kid(s) (e.g. like what happened to you) or the non parent basically spends a lot of time alone and only has a part time BF/GF. 

[Dis]

1 minute ago, Mrin said:

Ya that's a good point. When it is parent - parent then you kinda do the matching custody schedules thing and it flows naturally (e.g. dating when you both don't have the kids). When it is parent - non parent it gets awkward because you either do the premature meeting of the kid(s) (e.g. like what happened to you) or the non parent basically spends a lot of time alone and only has a part time BF/GF. 

Yup! And if I'm being completely honest I felt like I was always a part time gf even while we lived together on our days off when we had his son. There was very little quality time together, sharing moments and conversation. Of course most things in a household naturally revolve around the children who live there. I wouldn't want to change that and of course that's a wonderful thing. 

 

But for me I really felt I was an outsider with everything and everyone there...the third wheel with the part time bf. It was sad and frustrating. 

[Mrin]

Just now, Disillusionment373 said:

But for me I really felt I was an outsider with everything and everyone there...the third wheel with the part time bf. It was sad and frustrating. 

Totally. Though I have seen a couple of people pull it off with aplomb but it was usually after their place had been cemented in the household so they were definitely not the third wheel.

All that being said, I'd be remiss if I didn't extoll the virtues of being a parent of driving age children. It is like having your own "free" Uber. Nothing better than making your kid come pick your tipsy ass up at 1am and subjecting them to a very loud sing-a-long to Journey or Smashmouth's greatest hits all the way home. Not that I've ever done anything like that or anything...