My GF of 5 years moved out

[tyb]

My gf and I have lived together for 3 years. I am 31, and she is 27. Two and a half weeks ago my gf came home from work (1hr away) to our apartment and sat me down and told me she needed to “unload”. She told me she was overwhelmed and doesn’t know what she is doing in life. She said she feels more validated at work and she looks forward to work more than coming home. She feels more confident there and she has been there about 2 years and just got a pay bump. They are giving her more responsibilities. She works as a register in the juvenile courts in her hometown. I didn’t realize how serious she was until she told me she was staying at her dad and stepmoms house for a day. A day turned into two days and so on. Usually after instances like this, she would worry about us and our relationship. This time it was different. Almost like she was ok with this wedge in our relationship and was not worried at all. This was alarming for me.

I want to say her personality is VERY sweet. She cares more about others than herself. That is a big reason that attracts me to her. She has a heart of gold. She is an emotional person and doesn’t like confrontation.

I want to give some background. I work for USPS. I come from a single parent home. My dad moved out when I was 11. He wasn’t a good father or husband. I am not an overly affectionate person, and I’ve been the type to not show many emotions. I’ve viewed it as weakness, because of the men in my life growing up. I’m working on this. 

She has a good mom and dad. They separated when she was a teen, but they both still care for her very much. 

We are very compatible, and conversation always flows. We make each other laugh and are interested in the same things. Before the pandemic we went out all the time. 

She loved me dearly and always wanted to be close to me. It even got to the point that I felt smothered in a way. I could tell this hurt her, but I think it was because of how we grew up. I would always tell her that I still love her deeply even if I needed some personal space at times. She would also take care of nearly all housekeeping duties. My jobs were to cook food every night, take out the trash, and clean the toilet. I realize now that I should’ve done more, especially on days I had off and she came home to see I didn’t do anything. She would only have about an hour and a half of time to relax after getting home because of her long drive to and from work. 

When we got into arguments, I would become defensive. I would close off, and she would say it feels like I don’t even care. I would never yell at her or call her names. I would need to be alone. I see fault in this and feel awful about it. I am studying my emotions and getting a better understanding of why I feel the way I do, as well as how to conquer them. I must view us as a team, and work through together.

I feel like I am seeing a lot of flaws in myself, and my goal in life right now is to correct these flaws. My focus is to marry her and have children.

She came home after a couple days on the weekend of the super bowl. We had a good night. I really worked on the flaws I saw in myself. I did all the housekeeping and plan on sticking to it. I can see how it would feel unappreciative and disrespectful for her. I have a better outlook on life now and feel better about myself through all this, even though I miss her dearly. That night we were intimate and it was very passionate. I felt like things were sparking again. The next day (super bowl), I made her breakfast and everything was good, until she told me she was going back to her dads the next day. My mood dropped. I respected her decision though. She stayed there for a couple more days but we still talked and texted. 

Her dad is a happy drunk, who doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Her stepmom, on the other hand, is all about money and prestige. She wears the pants in her relationship so to speak. She also works with my gf in the same building but different office. I don’t really trust her. My gf a couple months ago told me she told her that a lawyer in her office had a crush on my gf. My gf is VERY against cheating, whether physical or emotional and brings it up even when watching movies. If a character cheats, she must comment. So I don’t think she would do that, but I didn’t forget. I myself have never even thought about talking to another woman in that way while with her.

She came back over that Wednesday. We still had friendly conversation, but I felt like she didn’t want to be close to me this time. I made her the dinner she requested (Crunchwrap supreme), and I had a surprise treat for her later that night (edible cookie dough). She was sad that I have been so good to her over the last week because this is what she always wanted and my next gf may reap the benefits. I told her what my plan was for the future, how she was the centerpiece of it, and how I would make it happen. She told me she loved me, but has her fears and worried this is only me temporarily. 

The next day while I was working (she was at the apartment), she said she wanted to talk before she went back. I knew that she was going to end the relationship. I composed myself before walking in, and exchanged pleasantries with her like normal, sat down and said what’s up? She basically said she needs to find herself and repair a lot of damage that she has endured. She has felt like she has to walk on eggshells around me and has lost herself. I must say that I would get irritated over small things at times. I am aware of this. She told me she believes we should end it. She said she was very nervous about telling me this, and was crying. I was very gentle with her and told her it would be ok. I’ve really had a much more positive outlook on life since we’ve had this break. I’ve noticed my missteps. We embraced for almost 5 minutes, and I consoled her. I told her I’d like to be mature about this and remain friends and I’d always be there for her. She told me that she is afraid that she is making a decision she might regret, and that I am her true soulmate. I regret a lot of things, but I truly want her to be happy. She told me she didn’t expect me to handle it like I did, and she told me that in the end this we could get back together and be stronger because of it, “who knows?” I said. She told me she would continue to pay her half of rent until our lease runs out (2 1/2mo). She said she would come back over to visit and get more things in time. I was very accommodating and helped her get stuff around and into her car. Before she left, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and actually kissed me. It felt like she was leaving the door open.

Later that night, she called me crying. She said she was really struggling because she was alone to think. I was short and didn’t have a whole lot to say. I told I’d always be there for her. After, I felt like there was still something there and we still love each other.

The next day she apologized for calling. I told her it felt like something was still there. She told me she does see potential, but just isn’t sure. She needs time. 

Throughout this process, it has been very hard waiting for her to make a decision. I don’t want to move on if there is a chance, but also, I feel like I need to have no contact to heal if we aren’t together. 

I have been talking to her mom a decent amount throughout this. She calls me and is worried about us. She told me she loves me like a son, and has really helped me. She and my gf have been in a rough patch since her sisters cancer has just came back, and I’ve helped her through that. My gf closes off a bit about her sisters situation. Her mom is a very sweet lady as well, and I feel for her.

I told my gf that I would like to make this work if she still sees a future, but if not, I can’t keep feeling this way waiting for her. She asked me questions about our future, such as how far I’d be willing to drive to work. Where we possibly could live. These are compromises I’m ready to make. We decided we would set up dates and take things slow, see how it goes and decide from there. That was acceptable for me.

She would text and call me over the next couple days. I would wait for her to text me and allow her to control the pace for the most part. We really have good conversations. Two days ago we had an awful snowstorm, she texted me at work asking if I made it home yet because she was worried. She also would text hearts. This made me feel good and showed she still cared. That night, things started to heat up! We sexted and exchanged pics. I told her how perfect she looked and how hot she made me. She reciprocated. She told me she wanted to be close to me.

That day her sister had surgery to remove something from her lung that possibly could be cancer. The surgery went well and they believed it was just scar tissue by the looks of it. But the next day they ran tests and it turns out that it was cancerous. I was worried for her, her mom, her sister, and her sisters family all day. My gf told me she texted her sister and felt a little bit better after. We talked that night and everything was good until something make her remember a fund raiser for her sisters cancer that I didn’t attend a few years ago. The conversation dropped off a bit. Later she texted me apologizing for bringing that up. I told her I’ve made mistakes in the past, and am disappointed in myself, and I was immature. I said I am doing my best moving forward and apologize. I felt awful. I told her I need her to know that’s not who I am anymore. She told me there are so many things she worries about and have been disappointed about. That she has felt alone for quite awhile, and she doesn’t know how to undo those feelings. She doesn’t know how to undo those feeling she’s has about herself. 

The next night she came over. We hugged and I started to cook dinner. I could tell there was just something off about her energy. She told me she was “antsy”. I sat her down and gave her a shoulder massage. After dinner we had the talk. She told me there are things that she doesn’t know if she can forgive and move on from. She feels like she has missed out on a lot of family time, especially in her sick sisters life because I wasn’t able to go to visit them with her, so she wouldn’t even go. (I worked on weekends) I was consoling her and told her we could make that work, but she must forgive me. 
 

Later that night, we were intimate, but it felt like she was holding back some.

In the days after that, she was still texting me and calling me at night. The conversations were good, but we didn’t talk about our relationship. At this point, I’m in a decent amount of pain. I’m losing hope. It feels like she isn’t reciprocating as much as before. I decide to ignore her texts a bit early in the day. I did respond, but was short. Later she told me I acted differently today. I just played it off cool.

The next morning, she was in bed and I asked her to send me pics. She did, but wasn’t asking for any return this time. I asked her to come over the next day. She said she didn’t know. She asked if I missed her and I told her I think about her all the time. 
 

I was starting to seriously doubt her loving me anymore. I felt like I must break off from her, because it was becoming too much to handle. I was having trouble eating and focusing. On the next call, I asked her what we were, and she said it feels like we’re just friends. I then told her that I didn’t give up on her like she asked, but I can’t wait anymore because my heart hurts. I cherish all the times, and care for her but I need time and space to heal. She cried. She told me she was sorry and she loves me, I couldn’t say it back. That was 4 days ago.

The night after, she texted me saying how hard it has been for her not to talk to me and that she hopes I’m doing ok. I didn’t respond. Twenty minutes later she sent a picture of my dog sleeping and a depressed emoji.

Two more days pass, and I am struggling, but doing my best. Going to the gym, hanging out with friends, reading, making plans. Last night she texts me saying, “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” This morning I told her to let me know what works for her. She told me “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. She said cool with a smile emoji. 
 

So, I feel like it’s probably not best to see her anytime soon, but she does want to “catch up” already. I want to be with her, but I don’t know why she would say that and it probably doesn’t mean she wants to get back or even misses me. Maybe she just wants to heal her own guilt. Maybe she wants to see how I’m doing. I went NC after I let her go. I still miss her a lot, but I don’t want to feel like I do now for longer than I need to.

I suppose my question is, do you think I am handling this the right way? I love her and want her back. I do feel like we are meant to be together and our connection is special. She is the first girl I’ve ever met that I truly enjoy spending time with. I believe I failed in advancing the relationship past a certain point, because I was unaware of how to do so. Things like talking about financials, pushing more towards our future and searching for a house together (she did this on her own), trying to make her life easier.

I saw messages on her computer talking to a friend before she broke up with me telling her that she was thinking about breaking up because she feels like her heart isn’t in it anymore. Although she said she cares about me so much and is confused why she is feeling the way she does. She said she feels like we are very compatible, and is worried she might regret this because she is not very social and may not find a connection like this again. She also said that in the days while staying with her parents, that she felt like she loved me so much she could cry.

TL;DR gf has been staying at parents house, broke up, regretted it, relationship was up in the air, I then ended it, now trying to NC

Edited February 26, 2021 by tyb

[d0nnivain]

You are doing the right thing.  If she can't commit, you are better off NC because limbo is hell 

Hang in there.  Grieve & then move on to healing.  

[tyb]

I just checked her Instagram story today and she posted a vase of flowers with the caption “flowers from strangers”. I feel like she is being cryptic towards me. Probably should just stop looking. I didn’t think she would resort to stuff like this. I’m not sure if she is trying to get me to talk to her again or what. Just seems very childish.

[JAKE022]

Definietly stary hard NC ! She seems to be confused and doesnt know what she wants, give her time and space to make up her mind, but prepare for the worst. Me and my ex we have been dating for 3 years and living together almost since the beginning, we had awesome connection and cared about each other, supported each other, now i see that for some people it doesnt matter if they value other things they will leave as soon as you make some mistakes, i miss my ex like hell but i started nc right after i took the rest of my stuff from her apt and asked her, cried and almost begged her to give us a chance , i am so deeply in love with her, but NC is a must it has been 1,5 month since the break up and 3 weeks of true NC, she broke the nc couple of times to end few things we had together like spotify subscription, some mail came for me etc and it hurt every time she talks to me , so i think next time she text me about something i will set the boundaries, i dont want to block her in hope for a reconciliation in the future.

Reason why im saying all of this is that i find pur situation somehow similar, my ex also told me that she loves me, that it was the best years of her life that i will always be important to her , yet she still decided to leave after years of living together, it feels like someone cut me in half and the only way to build myself back is hard NC, however dont ignore her if she asks you about something important but if she asks about something not important than answer her question and than set boundaries, because it will hurt every time she speaks to you, if reconciliation is not ob the table than there is no healthy reason to talk with her

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, tyb said:

I just checked her Instagram story today and she posted a vase of flowers with the caption “flowers from strangers”. 

Flowers from "strangers", my butt. 

She's got an admirer. 

Edited February 27, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[tyb]

11 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Definietly stary hard NC ! She seems to be confused and doesnt know what she wants, give her time and space to make up her mind, but prepare for the worst. Me and my ex we have been dating for 3 years and living together almost since the beginning, we had awesome connection and cared about each other, supported each other, now i see that for some people it doesnt matter if they value other things they will leave as soon as you make some mistakes, i miss my ex like hell but i started nc right after i took the rest of my stuff from her apt and asked her, cried and almost begged her to give us a chance , i am so deeply in love with her, but NC is a must it has been 1,5 month since the break up and 3 weeks of true NC, she broke the nc couple of times to end few things we had together like spotify subscription, some mail came for me etc and it hurt every time she talks to me , so i think next time she text me about something i will set the boundaries, i dont want to block her in hope for a reconciliation in the future.

Reason why im saying all of this is that i find pur situation somehow similar, my ex also told me that she loves me, that it was the best years of her life that i will always be important to her , yet she still decided to leave after years of living together, it feels like someone cut me in half and the only way to build myself back is hard NC, however dont ignore her if she asks you about something important but if she asks about something not important than answer her question and than set boundaries, because it will hurt every time she speaks to you, if reconciliation is not ob the table than there is no healthy reason to talk with her

Thanks man, I’ve also read your story. I get the feeling that she wants me to chase her and misses our friendship. We talked every night through this for a long time. But it’s too hard for me now to do that, and I told her so. I didn’t think she would post flowers to make LT jealous, but maybe that isn’t her goal.

[tyb]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Flowers from "strangers", my butt. 

She's got an admirer. 

Yes, it’s her stepmom telling her to entertain the prosecutor most likely. She is all about money, but my ex is total opposite. This guy is like 45. Why rub that in my face?

[JAKE022]

3 minutes ago, tyb said:

Thanks man, I’ve also read your story. I get the feeling that she wants me to chase her and misses our friendship. We talked every night through this for a long time. But it’s too hard for me now to do that, and I told her so. I didn’t think she would post flowers to make LT jealous, but maybe that isn’t her goal.

I wouldnt assume she has an admirer like someone else have mentioned ,from my experiance i know that some women act weird post break up ( not my recent ex but a girl i was dating before) she could get these flowers herself or get it from a client or her parents anything could happen tbh and she posted it for attention, my current ex also started posting things she never used to like flowers she got at her workplace, a random cat on the bench, posting selfies where she seems to be happy ( and i know she isnt because my friend lives next to her and have spoke with her few times ) please cut her off only then she will have a chance to see what life is like without you, and she will start missing you eventually, also try not to analyse her actions or posts on social media - it will drive you crazy, i know its easier said than done but you will get there with small steps

[Marc878]

20 minutes ago, tyb said:

Thanks man, I’ve also read your story. I get the feeling that she wants me to chase her and misses our friendship. We talked every night through this for a long time. But it’s too hard for me now to do that, and I told her so. I didn’t think she would post flowers to make LT jealous, but maybe that isn’t her goal.

You chase they move farther away.
 

Sorry man but it sounds like she’s been seeing someone else. Which has prompted this. She will probably act like it happened after you parted ways but as you reflect back if you open your eyes you’ll see it. Shes monkey branched to another guy.

They will never tell you the truth. She wants to let you down easy and friend zone you.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest, trustworthy.

Your only good option is to let her go fully. Cut off all contact and go your own way. If you don’t you will keep yourself tied up in this. The only one that can keep you where you are is yourself. No one else has that power over you. You can control yourself and your phone. 
 

Don’t put yourself in the position of “I love her so she must love me too”.  Nope. Her actions tell you that. Her words are meaningless. 
 

She’s dumping you for her other guy but doesn’t want to tell you the truth.

End it or stay in limbo.

[tyb]

27 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I wouldnt assume she has an admirer like someone else have mentioned ,from my experiance i know that some women act weird post break up ( not my recent ex but a girl i was dating before) she could get these flowers herself or get it from a client or her parents anything could happen tbh and she posted it for attention, my current ex also started posting things she never used to like flowers she got at her workplace, a random cat on the bench, posting selfies where she seems to be happy ( and i know she isnt because my friend lives next to her and have spoke with her few times ) please cut her off only then she will have a chance to see what life is like without you, and she will start missing you eventually, also try not to analyse her actions or posts on social media - it will drive you crazy, i know its easier said than done but you will get there with small steps

Yea I just feel like she is screwing with me to see if I’ve totally gave up. I’m done looking at her stories. 

[Marc878]

9 minutes ago, tyb said:

Yea I just feel like she is screwing with me to see if I’ve totally gave up. I’m done looking at her stories. 

Your best path is to block her on everything. She has no control over you.

She made a choice/decision. Now make yours.

Shes a cake eater throwing out some breadcrumbs.

Edited February 27, 2021 by Marc878

[tyb]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

Your best path is to block her on everything. She has no control over you.

She made a choice/decision. Now make yours.

Shes a cake eater throwing out some breadcrumbs.

Why is she doing that tho?

[Marc878]

Not uncommon. She wants the new guy but wants to keep you as a friend. Best of both worlds. Some just like the attention. 
 

Most often this didn’t just happen. It’s probably been going on awhile. Reflect back you’ll probably notice what you ignored or didn’t pay attention to before. Guarding her phone, being gone or unavailable, distant, etc.
 

Shes probably unsure of her new relationship and wants you as backup in case it doesn’t work out. 

Listen to what they tell and show you. Then believe them. If not you’ll stay hung up in this. Once they step out it’s over. Let them go and in doing so you’ll free yourself.

The one thing you can never get back is time and life. Move on.

Edited February 27, 2021 by Marc878

[tyb]

It stinks that she is staying with her dads side of the family and her stepmom. Her moms side loves me. She barely talks to her mom anymore lately. Her mom thinks we’re meant to be together. It’s disappointing too because her sisters cancer has spread and she’s not there for them right now.

[Marc878]

1 minute ago, tyb said:

It stinks that she is staying with her dads side of the family and her stepmom. Her moms side loves me. She barely talks to her mom anymore lately. Her mom thinks we’re meant to be together. It’s disappointing too because her sisters cancer has spread and she’s not there for them right now.

An affair trumps everything. Nothing else matters.
 

Is the other guy married?
 

Sorry man but it doesn’t matter if her family loves you or not. She’ll move to where her actions are acceptable and to make more time available for the other guy.

Try and stay out of the hopium addiction. If only this, if only that. You’ll just keep yourself in limbo.

Its hard and no one is prepared for these things but you’ll have to work through it. 
 

No contact is your only good option. It will clear your head and bring clarity. Many get carried away trying to fix these things. You didn’t break it and you can’t make her do anything.

[tyb]

18 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

An affair trumps everything. Nothing else matters.
 

Is the other guy married?
 

Sorry man but it doesn’t matter if her family loves you or not. She’ll move to where her actions are acceptable and to make more time available for the other guy.

Try and stay out of the hopium addiction. If only this, if only that. You’ll just keep yourself in limbo.

Its hard and no one is prepared for these things but you’ll have to work through it. 
 

No contact is your only good option. It will clear your head and bring clarity. Many get carried away trying to fix these things. You didn’t break it and you can’t make her do anything.

An affair? Idk if he’s married. What’s that matter? He’s a hotshot prosecutor that is 20 years older than her with money. Guys like that prey on younger women.

[d0nnivain]

You need to block her on all social media platforms   Be done.  Let her get flowers from any stranger she wants. If she thinks having an affair with a MM is the answer to her desire for change that doesn't involve you

[tyb]

It just also makes me wonder because only a week ago we were talking about the possibilities of buying a house closer to her job.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, tyb said:

It just also makes me wonder because only a week ago we were talking about the possibilities of buying a house closer to her job.

You can't take that sort of talk seriously when it comes on the heels of a break-up, unfortunately. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, tyb said:

Yes, it’s her stepmom telling her to entertain the prosecutor most likely. She is all about money, but my ex is total opposite. This guy is like 45. Why rub that in my face?

If that's the case, the problem isn't her stepmom. 

It's your ex. If she's entertaining this older man, well, it's because she enjoys it and wants to. I guarantee if he weren't attractive to her in some way, she wouldn't give him a second thought. So if she is possibly exploring that, it's because she wants to. She might not be as pure of heart as you want to believe, if this is what's actually going on. 

[tyb]

Yea I don’t know if that’s actually the case.

[tyb]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You can't take that sort of talk seriously when it comes on the heels of a break-up, unfortunately. 

 

Does it not even indicate that she is conflicted?

[Marc878]

22 minutes ago, tyb said:

Does it not even indicate that she is conflicted?

She dropped you. Her actions say no. Stay out of hopium.

Hes probably only looking for a short term fling, side piece and will probably drop her when he’s finished. Be far away if/when that happens. She’s not relationship material.

The thing is if she came back you’ll never be able to trust her. The capability is there to do it again.

[Marc878]

38 minutes ago, tyb said:

Yea I don’t know if that’s actually the case.

Sorry man but this is common. Nothing special except it’s happening to you.  Most in your shoes refuse to believe what everyone else sees.

Look at her actions. Her words are BS.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

 

[tyb]

24 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

She dropped you. Her actions say no. Stay out of hopium.

Hes probably only looking for a short term fling, side piece and will probably drop her when he’s finished. Be far away if/when that happens. She’s not relationship material.

The thing is if she came back you’ll never be able to trust her. The capability is there to do it again.

Thing is, she was all in the whole relationship, I got stagnant, I have trouble with this. I can’t deny I caused this.