My GF of 5 years moved out

[tyb]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

Well obviously this one wasn’t either.  Go back over your thread.

Read the book. Many swear buy it.

No More Mr Nice Guy

You’ll realize you didn’t lose much.

Care to explain. What makes this book important?

[tyb]

She just texted me asking me how I was doing. Do I respond??

[Pumpernickel]

OK so this might not apply to your specific situation, but I did the same thing when I was in my late 20s. I had been with a guy for almost 10 years, we lived together, and I decided to move out. Why? Because I had another love interest. I wanted to soften the blow, so I explained it away by telling him that I had never had my own apartment and I needed my own space etc. etc. - But I didn’t want to completely break up, I just wanted to “live in different apartments”. The reality was that I wanted to explore my freedom, other men, and see what would happen between me and the other guy. Rather than breaking up with integrity, I just decided to move out and be a coward. Yes, I did want my own place, but I also didn’t have feelings anymore for my current boyfriend, and I wasn’t brave enough to say just that.

I also didn’t know if anything better would come along (new guy was questionable), so I strung current BF along, and once he found somebody else (a coworker), I panicked and wanted him back so bad.
 

And yayyy - he took me back, but guess what ..... it didn’t last. Too many shattered memories, too much that couldn’t be repaired. And I broke up with him for good. A few years later. We were engaged at that point. 
 

I recommend you let her go and leave her be. It’s tough. But better now than later

[Marc878]

31 minutes ago, tyb said:

She just texted me asking me how I was doing. Do I respond??

No. It’s just a breadcrumb.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

17 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

OK so this might not apply to your specific situation, but I did the same thing when I was in my late 20s. I had been with a guy for almost 10 years, we lived together, and I decided to move out. Why? Because I had another love interest. I wanted to soften the blow, so I explained it away by telling him that I had never had my own apartment and I needed my own space etc. etc. - But I didn’t want to completely break up, I just wanted to “live in different apartments”. The reality was that I wanted to explore my freedom, other men, and see what would happen between me and the other guy. Rather than breaking up with integrity, I just decided to move out and be a coward. Yes, I did want my own place, but I also didn’t have feelings anymore for my current boyfriend, and I wasn’t brave enough to say just that.

I also didn’t know if anything better would come along (new guy was questionable), so I strung current BF along, and once he found somebody else (a coworker), I panicked and wanted him back so bad.
 

And yayyy - he took me back, but guess what ..... it didn’t last. Too many shattered memories, too much that couldn’t be repaired. And I broke up with him for good. A few years later. We were engaged at that point. 
 

I recommend you let her go and leave her be. It’s tough. But better now than later

Perfect example of what you’re getting. 

 

[Marc878]

46 minutes ago, tyb said:

Care to explain. What makes this book important?

It’s short and will give you insight on dealing with life.

[Marc878]

Strength (emotional) is attractive. Weakness is not.

Never be a puppet on a string.

[tyb]

27 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

OK so this might not apply to your specific situation, but I did the same thing when I was in my late 20s. I had been with a guy for almost 10 years, we lived together, and I decided to move out. Why? Because I had another love interest. I wanted to soften the blow, so I explained it away by telling him that I had never had my own apartment and I needed my own space etc. etc. - But I didn’t want to completely break up, I just wanted to “live in different apartments”. The reality was that I wanted to explore my freedom, other men, and see what would happen between me and the other guy. Rather than breaking up with integrity, I just decided to move out and be a coward. Yes, I did want my own place, but I also didn’t have feelings anymore for my current boyfriend, and I wasn’t brave enough to say just that.

I also didn’t know if anything better would come along (new guy was questionable), so I strung current BF along, and once he found somebody else (a coworker), I panicked and wanted him back so bad.
 

And yayyy - he took me back, but guess what ..... it didn’t last. Too many shattered memories, too much that couldn’t be repaired. And I broke up with him for good. A few years later. We were engaged at that point. 
 

I recommend you let her go and leave her be. It’s tough. But better now than later

I do want to be with her, and her having an admirer doesn’t mean she wants to be with him. Why can’t I just tell her I’m good? 

[tyb]

It seems like she still cares. Wouldn’t me not responding push her away?

[Pumpernickel]

3 minutes ago, tyb said:

I do want to be with her, and her having an admirer doesn’t mean she wants to be with him. Why can’t I just tell her I’m good? 

Yeah - you can reply “thanks, I’m good” - Keep it short, though 

[Pumpernickel]

1 minute ago, tyb said:

It seems like she still cares. Wouldn’t me not responding push her away?

No. She left. If she changed her mind, she should make that more clear to you - she has to be more convincing 

[tyb]

Guys, we don’t know is she is entertaining another guy. She is asking me how I’m doing. How is ignoring attractive? Who’s to say she would t take me ignoring her and move on?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

It seems like she still cares. Wouldn’t me not responding push her away?

Yes, the whole point of complete disengagement is to make it clear that you're done.

If you do want another try, I recommend a different approach:  Explain that you would very much like to try again, but if she's not willing to give it another shot, then you need No Contact in order to heal and ask that she respects this.    If she doesn't know what she wants, then tell her that you will assume it's a "no" and she can contact you only if she decides she wants to try again, and if you're still single, you'd like to give it a try.   

This way, she knows that she can contact you if she's in.  But if she's out, she can stop wasting your time.

Edited February 28, 2021 by basil67

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

It seems like she still cares. Wouldn’t me not responding push her away?

She’s already left.

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

Guys, we don’t know is she is entertaining another guy. She is asking me how I’m doing. How is ignoring attractive? Who’s to say she would t take me ignoring her and move on?

Reread your first post. She’s already moved on. You just don’t want to believe it. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by Marc878

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't need to worry about pushing her away, OP. 

She's already ended it. Your worry is moot. She feels guilty for hurting you and is learning to live without your constant companionship too. Dumpers do this sort of thing very frequently, but most don't stop to think about the mixed signals it sends their exes. 

Being friends is not a good plan right now, either. I guarantee you won't feel as charitable and friendly once she eventually starts dating someone else. You might think you could handle it because you want to be happy for her, but the reality of it is usually a terribly cold punch in the teeth. 

[tyb]

Everyone keeps saying what usually happens. This isn’t a usual girl. I know that may be hard to understand, but she is texting me late at night when she is alone, not with someone else. I do want her back. I feel like some people just can’t grasp the thought of the possibility of her coming back. It may not happen in most relationships, but she is different. Why can’t it be the exception? Does me not responding push her more towards reconciliation or push her away? I know it’s not much, but why is she asking if I’m ok?

[tyb]

It is weird that she is asking me this but not looking at my Instagram story

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

 I feel like some people just can’t grasp the thought of the possibility of her coming back. It may not happen in most relationships, but she is different. Why can’t it be the exception? Does me not responding push her more towards reconciliation or push her away? I know it’s not much, but why is she asking if I’m ok?

It's not that. 

It's that those of who are older and have been down this road (either ourselves or observing loved ones) can tell you that reconciliations that stay reconciled are not common.  We have also heard over and over (in real life, or here) that a dumpee's ex isn't the usual dumper, they're not the same as others, and so on. And usually the break--up stories are indeed very typical. It's not a shot at  you or her. It's simply how life usually goes. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

18 hours ago, tyb said:

Does it not even indicate that she is conflicted?

She may have been conflicted at one time but she has since made a choice.  She chose to break up with you.  That is the decision. 

 

17 hours ago, tyb said:

Thing is, she was all in the whole relationship, I got stagnant, I have trouble with this. I can’t deny I caused this. 

You didn't cause it in a vacuum.  She was part of this relationship too.  Even if you were the primary cause, you didn't make the changes when there was a chance to fix things & correct the course.  Now that she has walked, it's too late.  For you to say now what you would have done differently is like you saying the morning after the lottery numbers are drawn "wait I meant to pick the winning numbers".  It's too late. 

The best you can do now is accept that it's over. That is the 1st step toward healing & moving forward in your own life.  

[JAKE022]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She may have been conflicted at one time but she has since made a choice.  She chose to break up with you.  That is the decision. 

 

You didn't cause it in a vacuum.  She was part of this relationship too.  Even if you were the primary cause, you didn't make the changes when there was a chance to fix things & correct the course.  Now that she has walked, it's too late.  For you to say now what you would have done differently is like you saying the morning after the lottery numbers are drawn "wait I meant to pick the winning numbers".  It's too late. 

The best you can do now is accept that it's over. That is the 1st step toward healing & moving forward in your own life.  

Right! I was also thinking about what i should have done differently to avoid break up, i still do sometimes tbh but the truth is that if you werent abusive or havnt done anything to hurt the other person than in that situation you didnt do nothing wrong or at least you couldnt act differently, there were other factors that caused you to act/think this way, and in my opinion sometimes if the partner really loves us than they should „wake us up”, in my case i needed help with covid fatigue and isolation but i never received it intead she just left me and it opened my eyes.

[d0nnivain]

If you needed help with Covid fatigue & isolation but she didn't give it to you & has now left, how is this break up all your fault?  We can all look back & see things that we wish we could have done differently but that doesn't make the end all one person's fault. 

You said she texted you & asked how you are doing.  You have repeatedly expressed interest in getting back together.  This back & forth limbo is killing you.  End it already.  Lay it all on the line.  Tell her point blank:  I'm not doing too well.  I miss you.  I know I made mistakes.  Do you want to get together to talk about what it would take to reconcile & to heal all the damage we have both caused?  I'd really like that. 

If she says yes, get together & do the work. 

If she says no then you have to say, "Thanks for telling me but in that spirit I need you to leave me alone.  When you reach out to 'check on me' it hurts.  It give sme false hope.  If you ever cared about me, do this one last thing & stop reaching out."   Then you have to unfriend, unfollow, block her # in your phone & on all social media.  NC will help you heal.  

[tyb]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If you needed help with Covid fatigue & isolation but she didn't give it to you & has now left, how is this break up all your fault?  We can all look back & see things that we wish we could have done differently but that doesn't make the end all one person's fault. 

You said she texted you & asked how you are doing.  You have repeatedly expressed interest in getting back together.  This back & forth limbo is killing you.  End it already.  Lay it all on the line.  Tell her point blank:  I'm not doing too well.  I miss you.  I know I made mistakes.  Do you want to get together to talk about what it would take to reconcile & to heal all the damage we have both caused?  I'd really like that. 

If she says yes, get together & do the work. 

If she says no then you have to say, "Thanks for telling me but in that spirit I need you to leave me alone.  When you reach out to 'check on me' it hurts.  It give sme false hope.  If you ever cared about me, do this one last thing & stop reaching out."   Then you have to unfriend, unfollow, block her # in your phone & on all social media.  NC will help you heal.  

Idk man. Do you think enough time has passed? We do still have to meet up at a certain point. She still has a ton of stuff here at the apartment. I do kind of feel if she wanted more, then she would ask me more than how I’m doing. Also maybe send another text after I didn’t respond. 

[tyb]

I guess I’m conflicted. I do want reconciliation, but I am upset that she led me on just to say no. On the other hand, I feel like I made a huge mistake that led to ending the relationship, and it’s my fault. She was probably “the one”, but I was too inexperienced to realize it. One side of my brain is telling me to ignore her and make her feel that. The other is saying to respond and see where it goes. 

[Marc878]

7 hours ago, tyb said:

Everyone keeps saying what usually happens. This isn’t a usual girl. I know that may be hard to understand, but she is texting me late at night when she is alone, not with someone else. I do want her back. I feel like some people just can’t grasp the thought of the possibility of her coming back. It may not happen in most relationships, but she is different. Why can’t it be the exception? Does me not responding push her more towards reconciliation or push her away? I know it’s not much, but why is she asking if I’m ok?

Nope. You’re looking for magic. There isn’t any. If she was so different why’d she dump you? You like most are living on hopium and breadcrumbs. you are blinding yourself to reality. It might be good for you to get some individual counseling. Sounds like you could be codependent.
 

You’ll probably stay in this for awhile until you see her dating openly. Then realization will hit and you’ll find she wasn’t so special after all.

The signs are there. Everyone’s seeing it and it is her choice to go her own way which she’s chosen.