Marc878 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 Bud, people who have no self worth or respect are extremely unattractive. So far you’ve done well on not being her doormat. The bigger problem I see is you still refuse to see her as she really is. From what you’ve posted she’s a selfish narcissist. Guess what. You. pick these type people you’ll get this same treatment over and over again. Fix your picker. Some snakes are very beautiful but they bite. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Missing her is normal and to be expected. The way you burn bridges is by being a doormat, IMO. I can’t like this enough. Very, very true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 25 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Maybe somewhere down the line there will be a time where you can be cordial, friendly and perhaps friends but this is not that time. Were you guys friends for a long time before you became a couple? If not, then why would she expect that you would be that now? Doesn't make any sense. You two never fundamentally had a platonic relationship, it was fundamentally a romantic one. She just wants you as a backup plan. You can't be her or anyone else's backup plan. She made her decision, but she can't respect the decision you've made? Again, very selfish. You have to stand your ground here. You don't want to be just her friend, so you have to stick by that. Tell her if she ever changes her mind, she can give you a call and we can discuss it. Otherwise, we'll have to part ways. I guess I’ve never shared this part. We met on a dating website. To be clear, I’ve already moved past the idea of being just friends. No way, too much pain. I also feel like I do need to be honest and express what I’m feeling, not for her, but for me. I am going to text her tonight and I’ll keep you guys posted. I was thinking something like this. ”My intentions were not to hurt you, but you must understand that I need to take care of myself right now. So unless you seriously want to sit down and talk about how to make our relationship work long-term, I need you to stop contacting me.” Then she’ll probably say idk. Which I will respond with telling her to make a list of items that she wants and figuring out how to get those to her. All business from there on out. I’ll then take her off my social Media. My question is, what is the difference of effect in my response that tells her how I feel, and the total business like approach? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 1 minute ago, tyb said: ”My intentions were not to hurt you, but you must understand that I need to take care of myself right now. So unless you seriously want to sit down and talk about how to make our relationship work long-term, I need you to stop contacting me.” Skip the emotional begging message and skip straight to the business one about dividing stuff and a mutually agreeable time to do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 43 minutes ago, Marc878 said: Bud, people who have no self worth or respect are extremely unattractive. So far you’ve done well on not being her doormat. The bigger problem I see is you still refuse to see her as she really is. From what you’ve posted she’s a selfish narcissist. Guess what. You. pick these type people you’ll get this same treatment over and over again. Fix your picker. Some snakes are very beautiful but they bite. Thing is, during our relationship, she was completely selfless. She was the doormat. I believe part of the reason for her wanting this, is to treat herself better. She has taken an interest in self care recently. It’s like she did a 180 in a span of a couple weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 Why do you need to tell her your feelings? It's stating the obvious. Of course you're upset, she *knows* you're upset, but if she cared that much about your feelings you'd be together still. She put her feelings first, so you need to do the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Skip the emotional begging message and skip straight to the business one about dividing stuff and a mutually agreeable time to do that. Care to elaborate? I feel like saying that is being honest and could help me feel better by getting it out. With the business like approach, do you think she would feel more regret or something? Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, tyb said: I guess I’ve never shared this part. We met on a dating website. To be clear, I’ve already moved past the idea of being just friends. No way, too much pain. I also feel like I do need to be honest and express what I’m feeling, not for her, but for me. I am going to text her tonight and I’ll keep you guys posted. I was thinking something like this. ”My intentions were not to hurt you, but you must understand that I need to take care of myself right now. So unless you seriously want to sit down and talk about how to make our relationship work long-term, I need you to stop contacting me.” Then she’ll probably say idk. Which I will respond with telling her to make a list of items that she wants and figuring out how to get those to her. All business from there on out. I’ll then take her off my social Media. My question is, what is the difference of effect in my response that tells her how I feel, and the total business like approach? For one thing she feeds off your emotional responses. That's one reason she still wants to be friends, so that she can feed off of and enjoy your emotions (warmth, love, etc.) being lavished on her. It's cake eating. Getting parts of you that no longer belong to her. It's not healthy for either of you. When she was your gf, your emotions were part of the package she enjoyed. Now that she's left, she shouldn't have access to them. Emotions are valuable for you and her both. We give our emotions to another person just as we give our bodies and other gifts which constitute our unique personalities and psyches to another person. The two should go together in the healthiest of situations. Save your emotions for a woman who is worthy of them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 1 minute ago, dramafreezone said: Why do you need to tell her your feelings? It's stating the obvious. Of course you're upset, she *knows* you're upset, but if she cared that much about your feelings you'd be together still. She put her feelings first, so you need to do the same. It almost seems like she doesn’t know how I must be feeling, she is suddenly only thinking about her feelings for once. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, tyb said: It almost seems like she doesn’t know how I must be feeling, she is suddenly only thinking about her feelings for once. Didn't you already explain when she left that you would work on your relationship? Or something to that effect? Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, tyb said: Care to elaborate? I feel like saying that is being honest and could help me feel better by getting it out. With the business like approach, do you think she would feel more regret or something? It's not about her. You're thinking in terms of how she's going to receive it or if she's going to get mad or if you can regain her attraction. Stop thinking in terms of gaining her approval. It's already over. Now it's about you detaching and moving forward because that's what's best for you. Start valuing your attention. The relationship is over. She's decided that she will no longer be sexually intimate, but she's insisting on your non-sexual attention, basically she's not going to give you what you want but she feels entitiled to still get the attention. She's got some nerve. Edited March 1, 2021 by dramafreezone 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 7 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Didn't you already explain when she left that you would work on your relationship? Or something to that effect? Yes, I did. She was concerned if I could keep it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, tyb said: It almost seems like she doesn’t know how I must be feeling, she is suddenly only thinking about her feelings for once. Her actions say she doesn’t care all that much or she wouldn’t have dumped you. Her decision was already made or she would have been talking to you about this. No contact is for you to move forward not to get her back. Edited March 1, 2021 by Marc878 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 57 minutes ago, tyb said: Yes, I did. She was concerned if I could keep it up. When they move on to another they will make excuses for it to be your fault. They never want to be perceived as the problem. They’ll never tell you the full truth either. You've got yourself stuck in the “if it’s my fault I can fix this mode”. Pretty typical. Again: Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 1 hour ago, tyb said: Yes, I did. She was concerned if I could keep it up. She didn't stick around long enough to find out, it seems. So, she missed out. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 Go back and reread your thread. At this time you are seeing only what you want to see. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: She didn't stick around long enough to find out, it seems. So, she missed out. Yep, because her decision was already made. The rest is smoke and mirrors BS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said: .......... Edited March 1, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 2, 2021 Author Share Posted March 2, 2021 42 minutes ago, Marc878 said: Her actions say she doesn’t care all that much or she wouldn’t have dumped you. Her decision was already made or she would have been talking to you about this. No contact is for you to move forward not to get her back. Is this something worth saying? She talks like she cares. She cried in my arms when leaving. I’m starting to get angry. You’re right, she must not care if she’s leaving me. I do take some of the blame, because I can see where I could be better. I took her for granted and started noticing flaws. I have done a lot of reading since and am serious about self improvement. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, tyb said: Is this something worth saying? She talks like she cares. She cried in my arms when leaving. I’m starting to get angry. You’re right, she must not care if she’s leaving me. I do take some of the blame, because I can see where I could be better. I took her for granted and started noticing flaws. I have done a lot of reading since and am serious about self improvement. No. I’m sure she cares to some extent but not enough because she left anyway didn’t she? They all want the “friends” thing to help them feel better. The problem is it doesn’t do a thing for you except keep you in limbo. We all have our faults and so did she. Most like you refuse to see it. It’s gotta all be my fault because she just wouldn’t do this to me. Famous last words. Happens all the time. I’ ll bet this never came up until she was leaving. If you were such a problem why wasn’t this brought up 6 months earlier? If you reflect back you’ll probably see when she started getting distant. That’s when her other man started paying her attention. It’ll manifest itself shortly unless the prosecutor is married and wants to keep it hidden. Edited March 2, 2021 by Marc878 Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 11 minutes ago, tyb said: Is this something worth saying? She talks like she cares. She cried in my arms when leaving. I’m starting to get angry. You’re right, she must not care if she’s leaving me. I do take some of the blame, because I can see where I could be better. I took her for granted and started noticing flaws. I have done a lot of reading since and am serious about self improvement. I think you are missing an important point that everyone is trying to tell you in so many ways. When a person, especially an insecure woman, gets to the point of having the strength to break up. They will have wrestled with themselves and the decision for months or years. It is rarely an overnight decision. So that by the time they exit. It is pretty much over in their minds and heart. But this does not mean they don’t have doubts or guilt. And this is why they stay in contact to wean you out of their life. Each time you give them what they want with contact they drift further away until one day the can cut the cord. And you will be left at square one. How do I know this? I’ve been there on both sides of the coin. And I’ve read so many threads on here where this transpires. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 2, 2021 Author Share Posted March 2, 2021 So I was looking through some message transcript on her computer. Turns out the prosecutor was hitting on her hard and texting. I read it in a transcript to her sister. I can only see the replies from her sister, not my ex. Sad to see. I feel really angry now and the need to call her right now and expose her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 2, 2021 Author Share Posted March 2, 2021 Need help guys, I feel like I have to confront her Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 Do not do anything. You are swirling now. Get yourself together. Keep NC. If you truly loved her you would want her to be happy and accept that it is her journey to make. However she gets there is for her to decide. You do not need to judge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 2, 2021 Author Share Posted March 2, 2021 1 minute ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: Do not do anything. You are swirling now. Get yourself together. Keep NC. If you truly loved her you would want her to be happy and accept that it is her journey to make. However she gets there is for her to decide. You do not need to judge. Don’t do anything?!? Are you kidding me?!? She threw it all away for career advancement. I must confront her tonight Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts