My GF of 5 years moved out

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Sorry but he didn’t make her cheat. That’s a decision/choice she made. Its probably a sexual affair. Everyone loves to say EA but they don’t jump ship like this over just an emotional attachment 
 

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Is it confirmed that she had a sexual affair or is it assumed?

No it's not ever ok to cheat be it a emotional or sexual affair, but if you stop dating your woman, stop making her feel special, you'll lose her almost every time.

There's another guy involved more often than not when a GF breaks up with her BF, so it does matter if there was an actual sexual affair.  EA happens all the time.

Edited March 2, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Marc878]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are you suggesting that she won't try to mow him down with her own view?

Because you asked.

[Marc878]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Is it confirmed that she had a sexual affair or is it assumed?

No it's not ever ok to cheat be it a emotional or sexual affair, but if you stop dating your woman, stop making her feel special, you'll lose her almost every time.

There's another guy involved more often than not when a GF breaks up with her BF, so it does matter if there was an actual sexual affair.  EA happens all the time.

So do sexual affairs. 

This was her choice and it’s her life so she can do as she pleases but dumping it all on him? Nope.
 

It’s all his fault is the cheater script.
 

 

 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Because you asked.

No, I mean that I don't know why you started responding to me in the first place.  Your posts referencing my comments have derailed the discussion I had hoped to have with the OP.  

Edited March 2, 2021 by basil67

[Thunder27]

47 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Women don't stay with you because they love you.  They stay with you because you make them feel good.  You probably stopped dating her, stopped making her feel sexy, you admitted you took her for granted.  Most women are eventually going to get fed up with that.  Doesn't excuse her having an emotional affair but you have to realize that you could've been a better boyfriend too.

Sorry for my relationship inexperience and derailing this thread, but when do things become just comfortable? I don't even really understand how you could maintain the dating and making them feel sexy, good feelings etc. after 5 years. I mean, doesn't something larger replace the "feel good" part? Do men stay with women because they love them? I don't even see the point of a relationship if its just going to be about making someone feel good constantly like that. I feel like this basicly puts a timeline on every relationship because at some point things will get boring and those feelings are going to fade regardless. Someone new will always be more exciting, and make them "feel better".

[tyb]

I just got off the phone. I started it off casual. Talked about why I didn’t respond to her texts. She had mentioned honesty a couple weeks ago. So I prompted her on if there was someone else. She said no strongly. I mentioned I saw some texts that said otherwise. She said the guy was telling her she’s beautiful, intelligent, and can go far. She said she looked at our relationship and felt she wasn’t getting these things from me. I’ve always felt that way, just didn’t pour it on all the time. Some people show love differently. 
 

She said she ended that at some point. I couldn’t see texts after 2/5 so I just don’t know. She said I acted like something happened between them. I couldn’t confirm so I left it at that. I told her it’s not something I ever expected and I hope that she didn’t lose sight of why I fell in love with her. Her morals and values. 
 

idk, she asked if I thought we could still make it work. I said I think it’s possible with hard work, but the hell if I know. I’m just so scrambled right now. She said she still loved and cared, but I said if people do, they would actually see it through again.

she said she thought I was calling to tell her to not contact her again, and she had no clue she was going to be blindsided by this. She got emotional. She said she didn’t know what to say.
 

idk man. I thinks it’s probably over now. Not really happy with how it went. Didn’t get many answers, but I do feel better that I got it off my chest. Did ask for reconciliation if we both work, but I’m not sure she was going for it. She just said she feels so all over the place now and needed to get off the phone. You guys were right, probably blew any chance for the future, but hell, what’s it really matter anyway, probably wouldn’t be able to get over it in the long run.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yep it is hard and sucks when you realize it.

I feel your pain.  Just breath and take things one hour at a time and one day at a time.

 

[tyb]

She said she wouldn’t normally go for that, but because she was getting that attention all the time, she questioned our relationship. Is that not emotionally cheating? Not sure I can get past that even tho she tries to justify. She brought up some things she saw on my phone from a couple years ago between me and my boy about a girl we went to high school with. She had gotten her nipple pierced and had a pic where you could see it. It was just locker room talk. 
 

I never lost my cool on the call. Honestly I don’t know if she feel like she could ever talk to me again. She said she is just doesn’t know, and is overwhelmed. I probably pushed her more towards him, but who knows. It’s so fresh that I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. I still have this pit in my stomach now as if I’m waiting again. It’s like the ball is in her court and I’m so done with her if she is not all ins and ready to talk about everything.

Edited March 2, 2021 by tyb

[Thunder27]

13 minutes ago, tyb said:

She said she wouldn’t normally go for that, but because she was getting that attention all the time, she questioned our relationship. Is that not emotionally cheating? Not sure I can get past that even tho she tries to justify. She brought up some things she saw on my phone from a couple years ago between me and my boy about a girl we went to high school with. She had gotten her nipple pierced and had a pic where you could see it. It was just locker room talk. 
 

I never lost my cool on the call. Honestly I don’t know if she feel like she could ever talk to me again. She said she is just doesn’t know, and is overwhelmed. I probably pushed her more towards him, but who knows. It’s so fresh that I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. I still have this pit in my stomach now as if I’m waiting again. It’s like the ball is in her court and I’m so done with her if she is not all ins and ready to talk about everything.

again maybe im naive here, but why couldn't she talk to you about this prior to leaving the relationship? Did i miss something? There is no excuse here for her to go elsewhere. If she had good values I would personally think that would entail working on a relationship that you have commited to; not leave the moment your guy falls short in meeting those "needs". When I was with my ex, I stayed to the bitter end and beyond because to me I chose to be committed to that relationship. To me it sounds like a cop out because she got bored. Don't feel bad man; but Take what I'm saying with a grain of salt because I've had one 5 month relationship and it was a disaster.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, its happened to many of my friends too. I understand that you might be blaming yourself a lot right now, I'm doing the samething. Don't beat yourself up, theres no excuse for this IMO.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Thunder27

[tyb]

59 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

again maybe im naive here, but why couldn't she talk to you about this prior to leaving the relationship? Did i miss something? There is no excuse here for her to go elsewhere. If she had good values I would personally think that would entail working on a relationship that you have commited to; not leave the moment your guy falls short in meeting those "needs". When I was with my ex, I stayed to the bitter end and beyond because to me I chose to be committed to that relationship. To me it sounds like a cop out because she got bored. Don't feel bad man; but Take what I'm saying with a grain of salt because I've had one 5 month relationship and it was a disaster.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, its happened to many of my friends too. I understand that you might be blaming yourself a lot right now, I'm doing the samething. Don't beat yourself up, theres no excuse for this IMO.

I appreciate you. She probably was bored, s*** I was bored too, it’s a pandemic, but in the texts I saw, at first she was creeped out, and said I’m glad I’m in a relationship and don’t have to flirt. A few days later she was questioning our relationship. Her sister was talking to her about her decision of choosing between me or him and supporting her no matter what. She did not apologize to me. She said our relationship wasn’t going well, and this made her question things. She totally downplayed that it was cheating. Talking about girls with the boys is different than allowing another man to flirt openly with you while you’re in a relationship. 
 

We did somewhat have talks about things as this was happening, but nothing specific. I had no idea she was on the edge. I don’t know what to feel right now. I was beating myself up for things, but now I feel weird, betrayed, angry, hopeful, confused, anxious, and pain. It’s like I’m waiting again to see if she wants to work on this, but at the same time, I feel indifferent. I don’t even know if I want to continue to try, and she is probably somewhat embarrassed, even tho she didn’t really seem to be. She probably doesn’t want to talk to me again. I could’ve went off, but I offered to work with her. We’ll see where it goes, but she hurt me badly, and I don’t know if I can recover even if she is truthful when she says that she put an end to the guys pursuit and nothing happened.

Edited March 2, 2021 by tyb

[Thunder27]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

She probably was bored, s*** I was bored too, it’s a pandemic

Yeah man, same thing on my end. Maybe it played a role in both our cases. My ex at least apologized to me for being put in the middle of her crisis.

1 hour ago, tyb said:

We did somewhat have talks about things as this was happening, but nothing specific. I had no idea she was on the edge. I don’t know what to feel right now. I was beating myself up for things, but now I feel weird, betrayed, angry, hopeful, confused, anxious, and pain. It’s like I’m waiting again to see if she wants to work on this, but at the same time, I feel indifferent. I don’t even know if I want to continue to try, and she is probably somewhat embarrassed, even tho she didn’t really seem to be. She probably doesn’t want to talk to me again. I could’ve went off, but I offered to work with her. We’ll see where it goes, but she hurt me badly, and I don’t know if I can recover even if she is truthful when she says that she put an end to the guys pursuit and nothing happened.

You're not alone with these feelings. I'm talking to few others going through the same thing, and its like a blue print. My ex threw the doubts in my face only after 1.5 months of beng cold and denying it. At this point your ex probably already had 1 step out of the relationship--maybe more.

Regarding feelings, we feel the same way. Part of me hates my ex for how she treated me through everything; she handled everything in the worse way possible and made it as painful as possible for me just to assuage her own guilt. She went cold on me for a month and a half, made my first sexual experience a painful memory, sat by while i worked my ass of to help her through school, and then pulled me along for another month afterwards saying "lets be freinds" with no intntion of actually being my friend, while also saying "maybe the feelings will come back... I have no reason not to want to be with you" etc. combined with hot/cold behaviour. I feel indifferent, love, betrayed, and hate all mixed together. Same goes for my freinds. The hope will last as long as you remain in contact, and I know how hard it is to be kept on a string like this--its heart wrenching. I can only imagine what this situation must be like going through with someone you have been with for 5 YEARS. She is pulling you into her confusion, and maing you confused along with her. This is NOT fair to you.

You're right that she probably does feel guilt and embarressment. However, she put herself in this position. I understand how difficult it "feels" to make things work, as if there's barriers. I just don't know if your situation is salvagable. Can you really trust her again after this? I don't think so. But again, my only experience was a 5 month relationship. But maybe she should live with her decision, and thats her life without you. 

Take care, and I'm in your corner.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Thunder27

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

We’ll see where it goes, but she hurt me badly, and I don’t know if I can recover even if she is truthful when she says that she put an end to the guys pursuit and nothing happened.

A defining issue you have is that she left, for whatever reason.

Don't belabor processing this relationship with her. She's not in your corner.  Take some time to think by yourself, not including her.

Do not share your emotions with her. It does her no good and you no good. In fact, it helps her wean away from you. Work through your emotions another way.

 

 

Edited March 2, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

Sorry for my relationship inexperience and derailing this thread, but when do things become just comfortable? I don't even really understand how you could maintain the dating and making them feel sexy, good feelings etc. after 5 years. I mean, doesn't something larger replace the "feel good" part? Do men stay with women because they love them? I don't even see the point of a relationship if its just going to be about making someone feel good constantly like that. I feel like this basicly puts a timeline on every relationship because at some point things will get boring and those feelings are going to fade regardless. Someone new will always be more exciting, and make them "feel better".

I don't think it's derailing because I think this helps the OP.  The courtship never ends.

At a certain point, yes kids come into the picture and they require a huge chunk of both of your interests.  And there is a place where two people can just relax and be in each other's presence.  But are you asking if a woman ever stops wanting to feel beautiful, desired?  No that never ends.

Of course you want to receive from the other person, but you get what you want by giving.   There is a transactional sense to relationships in the broadest sense, but you don't go into a relationships seeing what you can get out of it.  I think if you see this as a challenge, then you haven't found someone that you care enough about to do those things willingly. 

[Thunder27]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think it's derailing because I think this helps the OP.  The courtship never ends.

At a certain point, yes kids come into the picture and they require a huge chunk of both of your interests.  And there is a place where two people can just relax and be in each other's presence.  But are you asking if a woman ever stops wanting to feel beautiful, desired?  No that never ends.

Of course you want to receive from the other person, but you get what you want by giving.   There is a transactional sense to relationships in the broadest sense, but you don't go into a relationships seeing what you can get out of it.  I think if you see this as a challenge, then you haven't found someone that you care enough about to do those things willingly. 

Hmm I'm not sure, maybe I just have different conception of the constant courtship, or I'm a bit confused/immature. I think that the feeling beautiful and desired is reasonable, but as a justification to just up and leave when that naturally dies down doesn't make sense. Looks are going to fade as well, so when does that end?

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I think if you see this as a challenge

I feel like when things get boring it becomes a challenge to compete with someone new in the picture. That's more so what I was getting at. Its just not new anymore.  I've never even been in a long term relationship so I guess I don't even know.

Why does it seem like guys don't leave because of these things, only women? is that just how it is?

Edited March 2, 2021 by Thunder27

[Thunder27]

36 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

Looks are going to fade as well, so when does that end?

I guess if you love them, then seeing them as beautiful wouldn't change really, as well as wanting to make them feel that way.

[tyb]

I wonder if this changes things at all, here’s why. I believe this emotional cheating led to her wanting him instead of me. She said she put an end to it, and never went beyond. Perhaps she felt that she knew she could never tell me what happened with me being destroyed. So she ended it with me.

 

now, I know. I wasn’t shaming her for it, rather I understood why she gave him the light of day. Told her I believe we could move forward if both of us are honest, and that I loved her. 
 

Now that this is out in the open, it’s pretty obvious this is why we broke up. Things changed because of him, but I don’t think he wants a relationship, or she decided no for some other reason. 
 

if someone is willing to stay with you through this and work with you, doesn’t that show how much you love them? Potentially growing that bond stronger? I feel like when this happens in other relationships where the girl leaves because they only see the fun and exciting things in a new man, they often want to come back when it doesn’t work out. Although they would have to come clean. Perhaps she couldn’t deal with the shame in telling me what happened, because of all the things that she has said in the past about cheating.

 

thoughts?

[Acacia98]

33 minutes ago, tyb said:

Perhaps she couldn’t deal with the shame in telling me what happened, because of all the things that she has said in the past about cheating.

 

thoughts?

I can't tell you what she's thinking.

But I think it sounds like you're determined to reconcile with her no matter what and you're going out of your way to look for explanations that would justify the reconciliation.

There's more to building healthy relationships than loving and respecting the other person. You have to love and respect yourself too. And, in your case, I think that means you shouldn't rush to "fix" things. Take your time. Really think about stuff. Think about your own emotional needs and whether she really meets them... Think about who she really is: not the idealized woman you've put on a pedestal but the real person, with weaknesses and strengths. Are you two actually compatible? Are your reasons for wanting to be together sound or are you afraid of being alone? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Et cetera.

[tyb]

30 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I can't tell you what she's thinking.

But I think it sounds like you're determined to reconcile with her no matter what and you're going out of your way to look for explanations that would justify the reconciliation.

There's more to building healthy relationships than loving and respecting the other person. You have to love and respect yourself too. And, in your case, I think that means you shouldn't rush to "fix" things. Take your time. Really think about stuff. Think about your own emotional needs and whether she really meets them... Think about who she really is: not the idealized woman you've put on a pedestal but the real person, with weaknesses and strengths. Are you two actually compatible? Are your reasons for wanting to be together sound or are you afraid of being alone? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Et cetera.

I must say, I’m not sure how I feel right now. I think i would hear her out on exactly what happened and why, then decide if she could meet my needs. If she came completely clean, I would see if I felt like giving her another chance to gain my trust back over time. There is a lot of baggage now. Crazy that it got to this point so seemingly fast.

[basil67]

Forgive me if I've missed it, but I didn't see that she'd asked for another chance.   If not, you're getting ahead of yourself.   

[JAKE022]

The fact that you are still leaving a door opened for her after all of what happened shows that you have an unconditional love for her and you are a great guy, even if you took her for granted at some point - its pandemic, you can be tired, frustrated or even afraid, all of this affects the relationship, i know it did mine, but relationships are 2 people, and its not 100% your fault after 5 YEARS i think you could expect her to be honest with you about her feelings - communication is the key. Dont be hard on yourself, i know its hard because im going through the same right now, all memories are going thru my head 24/7, but the best thing you need to do is cut all ties with her completely, if you feel like blocking her on SM than do it it will help you with healing, i didnt block my ex but probably i will in some time or at least unfollow. Keep your head up we will get there soon

[Cappygyal]

Oops sorry...wrong thread!

Edited March 2, 2021 by Cappygyal

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, tyb said:

 Now that this is out in the open, it’s pretty obvious this is why we broke up. Things changed because of him, but I don’t think he wants a relationship, or she decided no for some other reason. 

They didn't change because of him. 

They changed because there were problems in your relationship. Her attraction to him and curiosity about him was only a manifestation of the growing distance between you. Take this guy of the equation and those problems would've still been there. 

Her fading interest in you and the relationship made him look more appealing, yes, but he didn't cause this. She didn't break up with you only because of him or because she felt she couldn't tell you about him, in other words. She broke up with you because she fell out of love with you. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[tyb]

Update: So I unfollowed her on social media. An hour later she sends me this.

“What are you doing, (my name)?
I am so confused. The combination of the phone call last night and now you have unfollowed me on social media. None of this makes sense to me.

I am at work, but I can’t really think of anything but those two things right now. ”

[tyb]

My response:

I’m trying to make sense of it too, b. I felt as tho last nights conversation was counterproductive for me. I’m not sure how you are feeling about it. I figured it would be best to distance myself for my own well being.

 

Her response: 

Hearing you say that allows me to understand it. I’m not asking for a play by play, or telling you that you have to keep me updated as you process this, but it is confusing when the actions don’t line up with the words. This hurts all over again - Some of it began to ease up just a tiny bit and now it has hit me once again. 

My parents are going to be gone for two weeks and I am terrified that I am going to start having breakdowns once I am all alone. I’ve been distracting myself on purpose. I am afraid that when those feelings hit that I am going to try to call you and message you, but I know that it isn’t okay for me to do that.

 

what now?

[tart6245]

9 minutes ago, tyb said:

My response:

I’m trying to make sense of it too, b. I felt as tho last nights conversation was counterproductive for me. I’m not sure how you are feeling about it. I figured it would be best to distance myself for my own well being.

 

Her response: 

Hearing you say that allows me to understand it. I’m not asking for a play by play, or telling you that you have to keep me updated as you process this, but it is confusing when the actions don’t line up with the words. This hurts all over again - Some of it began to ease up just a tiny bit and now it has hit me once again. 

My parents are going to be gone for two weeks and I am terrified that I am going to start having breakdowns once I am all alone. I’ve been distracting myself on purpose. I am afraid that when those feelings hit that I am going to try to call you and message you, but I know that it isn’t okay for me to do that.

 

what now?

At some point, you're going to need to be cold and simply block her on everything. She ended the relationship and now wants to use you as an emotional blanket while she processes the relationship and tries to be alone. She cheated on you emotionally and could do so again if you give her another chance. Is that what you want? If she wanted you so badly, she would not have done what she did.

All of these messages she is sending is for her and her only. She doesn't care about you. She cares about herself and her fear of being alone. If she had any respect for you at all, she would leave you alone and allow you to heal, but she doesn't care. 

In life, we all make choices and we have to learn to live with those choices. She chose to not be fully honest with you and she strayed. Then she ended the relationship to likely pursue other people. Now, she is discovering she is alone and needs something to fill the void, and you are the easiest target. Don't let her have her way and walk all over you.