My GF of 5 years moved out

[tyb]

I told her unless she wants to discuss repairing our relationship, to give me space

[tyb]

Good luck with the 2 weeks alone. Going full NC now. ✌️

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, tyb said:

Good luck with the 2 weeks alone. Going full NC now. ✌️

It's for the best, and I hope you are able to stick with it. It can be incredibly hard, but it's the only way you can really start to feel better about all of this. If there comes a time when you can reconcile, you will know it, and you both will need to be direct about your intentions. For now, it just appears from all you shared that she wants to use you for emotional support and nothing more. 

 

[tyb]

12 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

It's for the best, and I hope you are able to stick with it. It can be incredibly hard, but it's the only way you can really start to feel better about all of this. If there comes a time when you can reconcile, you will know it, and you both will need to be direct about your intentions. For now, it just appears from all you shared that she wants to use you for emotional support and nothing more. 

 

Agree 100%, I’m actually surprised she thinks she can do that. Did she not know this when she made her choice? I actually feel quite a bit better knowing that she feels like she needs me for some reason. 

[Marc878]

Upfront these things are confusing but you’ve got enough info to know what to do.

Actually doing it is another thing. Most will do everything possible not to make a decision and keep themselves in limbo.

Do you really want to always be looking  over your shoulder with someone like this? Why do that?

[Marc878]

10 minutes ago, tyb said:

Agree 100%, I’m actually surprised she thinks she can do that. Did she not know this when she made her choice? I actually feel quite a bit better knowing that she feels like she needs me for some reason. 

She’s only thinking of herself. You were replaced and are just an afterthought.

[tyb]

1 minute ago, Marc878 said:

She’s only thinking of herself. You were replaced and are just an afterthought.

I’m starting to understand more about her. I’ve been researching. She has clear dependency issues, to a T. I understand more about why things weren’t working out. I understand why her needs weren’t being met, and the things that bothered me makes sense now. Maybe I’m not all that bad. As far as her ever loving me again, idk. But I feel like she will miss me.
 

As far as being in limbo. I’m not playing games anymore. She can take her me me me attitude and take a hike.

[tart6245]

12 minutes ago, tyb said:

Agree 100%, I’m actually surprised she thinks she can do that. Did she not know this when she made her choice? I actually feel quite a bit better knowing that she feels like she needs me for some reason. 

She needs someone, not necessarily you. Perhaps her attempts to talk to other guys failed and you were the best thing she had left. But as you said, she made her choice to do the things she did and then end things with you so she needs to learn to live with the outcome. It sucks. I'm going through a sudden breakup of a long term relationship as well and I think about my ex every day, but we haven't spoken since we broke up and it has helped me heal, work on what I need to work on, and move forward with my life. I still want to reconcile, but I am thankful things were not dragged out. 

Your ex is coming off as extremely selfish and disrespectful. I hope you're able to find some peace by cutting all contact with her. 

[Thunder27]

1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

At some point, you're going to need to be cold and simply block her on everything. She ended the relationship and now wants to use you as an emotional blanket while she processes the relationship and tries to be alone. She cheated on you emotionally and could do so again if you give her another chance. Is that what you want? If she wanted you so badly, she would not have done what she did.

All of these messages she is sending is for her and her only. She doesn't care about you. She cares about herself and her fear of being alone. If she had any respect for you at all, she would leave you alone and allow you to heal, but she doesn't care. 

In life, we all make choices and we have to learn to live with those choices. She chose to not be fully honest with you and she strayed. Then she ended the relationship to likely pursue other people. Now, she is discovering she is alone and needs something to fill the void, and you are the easiest target. Don't let her have her way and walk all over you. 

Agreed. Give her what she wanted, and let her live with her decision. She left you, and she's doing this for herself not you. You can't trust her. I understand your unconditional love for her, and I felt it too, but really think about this. 

[tart6245]

7 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

Agreed. Give her what she wanted, and let her live with her decision. She left you, and she's doing this for herself not you. You can't trust her. I understand your unconditional love for her, and I felt it too, but really think about this. 

I think in his case, she is being very obvious about her selfishness. She isn't even trying to act as if she cared that he was hurting. It's all about her needs and her feeling alone. Perhaps she is unable to understand that she caused him great pain. 

[Marc878]

A few years ago there was a guy here who’s wife moved into her own apartment and took a trip to the beach with her other man. The husband kept talking about her being in an EA. Bwahahahaha.

No rich 45 year old man is gonna settle for an Emotional Affair. They work together and have contact its physical. 
 

Stay in denial if you want but it’ll just extend your stay in limbo.

[tyb]

2 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I think in his case, she is being very obvious about her selfishness. She isn't even trying to act as if she cared that he was hurting. It's all about her needs and her feeling alone. Perhaps she is unable to understand that she caused him great pain. 

She has dependency issues, and is only thinking about herself. She is in a tailspin right now. She will have breakdowns. The question is how long can she go before she realizes she needs me. Then it comes down to if she can prove to me that she understands how big a mistake she made.

[Marc878]

12 minutes ago, tyb said:

I’m starting to understand more about her. I’ve been researching. She has clear dependency issues, to a T. I understand more about why things weren’t working out. I understand why her needs weren’t being met, and the things that bothered me makes sense now. Maybe I’m not all that bad. As far as her ever loving me again, idk. But I feel like she will miss me.
 

As far as being in limbo. I’m not playing games anymore. She can take her me me me attitude and take a hike.

You are waiting on her to make a decision. She already has.

Actions vs words. Your are still in denial because it’s safer for you than to realize the truth from her actions.

[Marc878]

Just now, tyb said:

She has dependency issues, and is only thinking about herself. She is in a tailspin right now. She will have breakdowns. The question is how long can she go before she realizes she needs me. Then it comes down to if she can prove to me that she understands how big a mistake she made.

If she needed you she wouldn’t have dumped you would she?
 

She already made her move. You’ve effectively put yourself in denial and limbo.
 

 

[tart6245]

20 minutes ago, tyb said:

She has dependency issues, and is only thinking about herself. She is in a tailspin right now. She will have breakdowns. The question is how long can she go before she realizes she needs me. Then it comes down to if she can prove to me that she understands how big a mistake she made.

The point of all of this is you need to get to a point where none of that matters and where you can value yourself as more than just someone she needs. Who cares? She is the one who made the mistake by letting you go. You're worth more than her opinion of you. In time, you will realize her behavior is not acceptable and not something you want from a partner. She may come running back after trying to play the field. If all goes well, you won't care when that happens. 

Right now, you're in the phase where you are overvaluing what you had and not really seeing her faults and flaws. We all go through that. As time goes on, you will understand you both had faults that led to the end of this relationship. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by tart6245

[LivingWaterPlease]

50 minutes ago, tyb said:

She has dependency issues, and is only thinking about herself. She is in a tailspin right now. She will have breakdowns. The question is how long can she go before she realizes she needs me. Then it comes down to if she can prove to me that she understands how big a mistake she made.

No offense. But, what she really needs is not a man but rather to step back and get her psyche sorted out. 

It seems men have an innate desire to help women fix things. Nothing wrong with that. Just be sure what you're attempting to fix for a woman is tangible, not her psyche!

Edited March 2, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[tyb]

We set dates to pick up her stuff and sort out the lease. It’s over.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, tyb said:

She has dependency issues, and is only thinking about herself. She is in a tailspin right now. She will have breakdowns. The question is how long can she go before she realizes she needs me. Then it comes down to if she can prove to me that she understands how big a mistake she made.

Dude, you realize this is not the basis for a healthy reconciliation?

She would be gone again once she got whatever validation she needed from you. This is a woman who isn't in love with you anymore, but probably isn't getting the attention she wanted from her older crush. So she's in the spins and grasping at straws. But the feelings she once had for you just aren't there anymore. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 hours ago, tyb said:

We set dates to pick up her stuff and sort out the lease. It’s over.

I am so sorry for all you're going through, tyb.  One day you will see that someone else can offer you all she did...and more.

[tyb]

Just got back from the gym. Noticed a super cute girl there that looks kind of similar to my ex. She was looking at me too. Think I might try to strike up a convo if I see her there again.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, tyb said:

Agree 100%, I’m actually surprised she thinks she can do that. Did she not know this when she made her choice? I actually feel quite a bit better knowing that she feels like she needs me for some reason. 

Good for you.  It's not your job to console a person who's dumped you.  They made their choice, they live with the consequences.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, tyb said:

Just got back from the gym. Noticed a super cute girl there that looks kind of similar to my ex. She was looking at me too. Think I might try to strike up a convo if I see her there again.

Please don't do this.  I know the idea of a new love is nice, but it's too soon and you'd essentially be using her as a salve for your pain.  It would be so unfair to her.  

Edited March 2, 2021 by basil67

[Marc878]

Google and read up on rebounds. You don’t need to go through more pain and aggravation right now.

[Marc878]

A great exercise you should do now is go back through your thread.

Look up blame-shifting and gaslighting. 

Once you reflect back you’ll see a lot of lies, etc. Pretty common in these things.

You should take the time to reflect how you can be a better man as well. We can all use improvement. For your next relationship.

You should be a lot smarter and wiser from having gone through this.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Marc878

[tyb]

What are your thoughts on closure for yourself? I have this urge to tell her how I feel, like I need to get it off my chest.

“Bottom line is, you cheated on me. You threw away 5 years for a facade that you built inside your own head. 5 years with a partner who was committed to you through anything. Your own insecurities caused this. ”

I want to say this to her.