My GF of 5 years moved out

[JAKE022]

15 minutes ago, tyb said:

I’m gonna stay NC for the next week. Go to the gym, eat better, read, and try out a yoga class. When she comes by Sunday to get more clothes I am going to talk to her about how I respect her decision and how I took things for granted for awhile and also some of the things I have been doing after I’ve been through this. It’s giving me new perspective. I’ll open the door for communication and if things go well I’ll ask if she wants to go out sometime. Thoughts?

Well you can try it but keep in mind that she can reject it and than please make sure that you dont cry or beg, talk with her very carefully, i also tried this with my ex when i came for the rest of my clothes and other stuff to her apt, and guess what as soon as she said that for now she wont change her decision i couldnt help but started crying , it just happened instantly and i couldnt stop it, at least i made sure that she knows that im leaving the door opened for future contact and possible reconcilliation, but with all that crying i didnt appear to be attractive so only talk with her then if you feel like you are not going to repeat my mistakes and keep it cool through the conversation. Explain your side and what you understand now but thats it, no begging, crying etc she already know she hurt you so you dont have to show it one more time

Edited March 7, 2021 by JAKE022

[tyb]

6 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Well you can try it but keep in mind that she can reject it and than please make sure that you dont cry or beg, talk with her very carefully, i also tried this with my ex when i came for the rest of my clothes and other stuff to her apt, and guess what as soon as she said that for now she wont change her decision i couldnt help but started crying , it just happened instantly and i couldnt stop it, at least i made sure that she knows that im leaving the door opened for future contact and possible reconcilliation, but with all that crying i didnt appear to be attractive so only talk with her then if you feel like you are not going to repeat my mistakes and keep it cool through the conversation. Explain your side and what you understand now but thats it, no begging, crying etc she already know she hurt you so you dont have to show it one more time

Yea I would never cry. Been down that road when I was young. Didn’t end well. 

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

I’m gonna stay NC for the next week. Go to the gym, eat better, read, and try out a yoga class. When she comes by Sunday to get more clothes I am going to talk to her about how I respect her decision and how I took things for granted for awhile and also some of the things I have been doing after I’ve been through this. It’s giving me new perspective. I’ll open the door for communication and if things go well I’ll ask if she wants to go out sometime. Thoughts?

IMO you have bigger problems than losing a gf. You are 31. In 8 short years you’ll be 40. 

Stop looking for magic and living on hopium. Manipulation tactics don’t work.

Make changes for you not her. Where do YOU want to be in 5 years? What’s it going to take to get there?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

I’m gonna stay NC for the next week. Go to the gym, eat better, read, and try out a yoga class. When she comes by Sunday to get more clothes I am going to talk to her about how I respect her decision and how I took things for granted for awhile and also some of the things I have been doing after I’ve been through this. It’s giving me new perspective. I’ll open the door for communication and if things go well I’ll ask if she wants to go out sometime. Thoughts?

I think it's very unlikely that she will have changed her mind about dating you within these last couple weeks. 

Sorry, man, but I don't see her responding positively. You've had a couple weeks to reflect on this. She, on the other hand, has had months to evaluate what she wants and doesn't want. This wasn't a sudden decision. Therefore, I woudn't expect her to feel any differently at this point.

You remind me a lot of an ex -boyfriendof mine. We dated for 5 years, lived together for 3.5. Slowly grew apart and I voiced my concerns a few times that I wasn't happy and tried to get him to meet me halfway. He didn't seem to take me seriously until I told him I wanted to end our relationship. Suddently he was doing back-flips trying to appease me, do things for me, show affection, make all sorts of promises and had all kinds of realizations of where he believed he went wrong...but it was just too late. I had lost the desire to be with him and was ready to move on. It felt insincere of him to be all of that only when I finally broke it off, and even if was sincere, my heart wasn't in it anymore. He wasn't a bad guy but I knew it wasn't going to work longterm and I had outgrown the relationship. 

Sometimes two people drift apart and need to go their separate ways. It hurts and it's not easy, but there are times when it's just best to concede that the chapter has ended. 

[tyb]

 

I know you guys aren’t optimistic about this, but I feel like I do need to share how I feel. I’m not very optimistic either tbh. Any advice on how to go about talking to her would be appreciated

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, tyb said:

 

I know you guys aren’t optimistic about this, but I feel like I do need to share how I feel. I’m not very optimistic either tbh. Any advice on how to go about talking to her would be appreciated

You can share how you feel. Our advice really is just to have no expectation of reciprocity. 

All you can do is ask if she's open to hearing what you have to say. But remember that just because she might listen doesn't mean she will have a change of heart. If you can handle offloading and then still having the same result (ie. remaining broken up), well, it's your choice. 

Ask yourself where your limit is too, though. If she declines to reconsider the break-up and stands by her decision, are you going to stop trying?

[Marc878]

Talk, words don't get much. If I tell her this, she’ll do that, blah blah blah is not impressive.
 

Again for YOU not her. Have your apartment clean, neat, nice and the way you want it.

I’d have her stuff neatly boxed up ready for her.
 

Nice clothes , new haircut, good cologne (not too much). Look and smell your best.

Be confident ( That should come from your long term plans for you and YOUR FUTURE). Spend time on you and your future. Don’t waste time like many playing video games, etc. 

At this time she is probably deep into her new flame. Don’t set yourself up expecting anything.

Edited March 7, 2021 by Marc878

[Ruby Slippers]

OK, I read this WHOLE thread lying in bed this morning after waking up  

First of all, I'm sorry about your breakup. Breakups suck, period. You may have a lot of love and great times and it still doesn't work. Been there, done that.

Now, I'm just gonna be straight with you. Sometimes that's the best thing.

It sounds to me like this woman has simply grown out of this relationship. No offense, man, but no woman can truly respect and admire and be attracted to a grown man working a part-time job. You say you're (passively) waiting on some employer to give you more shifts - but there have never been more opportunities to (actively) make money than there are right now. If nothing else, you can deliver pizzas and make $15 an hour. Do that for 40 hours a week and you'll have a decent starter income right there to tide you over until you improve your career otherwise.

It sounds as though she was with you more for the emotional support. You were her yes man, her soft blanket at the end of the day, her bestie. But you admit that even though you work part-time and she works full-time, she was still having to pull more of the weight at home with chores. That makes you, sorry to say, basically like her kid... a man child. NOT her man.

Whatever happened or didn't happen with this older guy at work, he reminded her very clearly that there's more to life than taking care of a man child at home. A woman in the workplace is surrounded by driven, accomplished, go-get-em men, who at the very least make pleasant conversation with her every day and show her a living color example of what a man looks like when he's taking care of business. As a guy slacking off in work and life, you won't ever be able to "compete" with that - unless you find a woman who's truly happy with a house husband/servant type. Those women are few and far between and generally outside the range of normal. 

This relationship is over. This should be a big wakeup call for you. Where is your masculine drive? The best thing you can do is let it go gracefully, with dignity, and get your act together. If you don't, you'll most likely spend the rest of your life being emotionally reactive to woman after woman who comes and goes.

Edited March 7, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[Marc878]

When I decided to forge my own career/life it was extremely hard but I kept my goals front and center.  
 

While people I worked with were buying bass boats, hunting and fishing I was studying, going to class in the evening from 7-9:45. It was grueling but I made it through. It took me 7 years. I then quit my great paying job and took a 50% pay cut to get started on a career. It took me another 3 years to get back to my original salary but I went way beyond that in the years that followed.
 

A few years after I left they closed the place I had original worked at and 500 people got laid off. Most ended up working at Walmart, Lowe’s, etc. Trying to scrape out a living. 
 

Get started.
 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Agree. You still have plenty of time to set yourself up for success in life.

I've been working full time since age 16, much of that time well beyond full time, am now finally doing very well in terms of career and financial success. 

I have a pretty good head on my shoulders - but the real key ingredient is something that anyone has access to: good old-fashioned hard work.

[tyb]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

OK, I read this WHOLE thread lying in bed this morning after waking up  

First of all, I'm sorry about your breakup. Breakups suck, period. You may have a lot of love and great times and it still doesn't work. Been there, done that.

Now, I'm just gonna be straight with you. Sometimes that's the best thing.

It sounds to me like this woman has simply grown out of this relationship. No offense, man, but no woman can truly respect and admire and be attracted to a grown man working a part-time job. You say you're (passively) waiting on some employer to give you more shifts - but there have never been more opportunities to (actively) make money than there are right now. If nothing else, you can deliver pizzas and make $15 an hour. Do that for 40 hours a week and you'll have a decent starter income right there to tide you over until you improve your career otherwise.

It sounds as though she was with you more for the emotional support. You were her yes man, her soft blanket at the end of the day, her bestie. But you admit that even though you work part-time and she works full-time, she was still having to pull more of the weight at home with chores. That makes you, sorry to say, basically like her kid... a man child. NOT her man.

Whatever happened or didn't happen with this older guy at work, he reminded her very clearly that there's more to life than taking care of a man child at home. A woman in the workplace is surrounded by driven, accomplished, go-get-em men, who at the very least make pleasant conversation with her every day and show her a living color example of what a man looks like when he's taking care of business. As a guy slacking off in work and life, you won't ever be able to "compete" with that - unless you find a woman who's truly happy with a house husband/servant type. Those women are few and far between and generally outside the range of normal. 

This relationship is over. This should be a big wakeup call for you. Where is your masculine drive? The best thing you can do is let it go gracefully, with dignity, and get your act together. If you don't, you'll most likely spend the rest of your life being emotionally reactive to woman after woman who comes and goes.

I will be making good money once I go full time. She is not currently making much more than me. I will make more when I go full time. I can pick up more hours in other cities. I usually get 4-6 days a week. It’s not awful. I admit I have been lazy with the chores, but that is easily changed. I feel like all the things are easy changes. I doubt she can actually see a future with these guys, whether it’s the guy old enough to be her father, or another attorney that may come around.

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, tyb said:

I will be making good money once I go full time. 

Yeah, and when is that gonna happen? You should have made something happen long ago. How much longer are you going to wait for some boss to decide your fate?

3 minutes ago, tyb said:

I doubt she can actually see a future with these guys, whether it’s the guy old enough to be her father, or another attorney that may come around.

Whether she gets with this one particular guy is irrelevant - she now sees that she can do better than a guy who's underemployed and lazy. She sees that she can attract the caliber of man who's driven, resourceful, and might make her life easier and more fun. Not trying to pick on you, just being direct about what's clearly going on here. Any decent woman figures out eventually that she doesn't need to drag an underperforming man along.

[tyb]

5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yeah, and when is that gonna happen? You should have made something happen long ago. How much longer are you going to wait for some boss to decide your fate?

Whether she gets with this one particular guy is irrelevant - she now sees that she can do better than a guy who's underemployed and lazy. She sees that she can attract the caliber of man who's driven, resourceful, and might make her life easier and more fun. Not trying to pick on you, just being direct about what's clearly going on here. Any decent woman figures out eventually that she doesn't need to drag an underperforming man along.

She’s not dragging me along. We paid everything 50/50. Sure she can go on trips and be in a sugar daddy relationship, but that never lasts. I can seek out even more hours, and that’s something you motivated me to do, so thank you for that. There is a big difference between a guy at that age showering her with compliments and taking advantage of her insecurities to get some a** and something that is built from scratch with a real connection that grows together. 
 

I think this has changed my mindset for Sunday. I’m not going to press anything. I am going to tell her how this has motivated me to grab life by the horns. I was lazy. I was complacent. I took things for granted. I blamed it on Covid. You know what? I’m done making excuses! I deserved this. I truly care for you, but I’d leave me too! It’s time I take what I want in life. Enough being patient, time to step the **** up.

[Marc878]

29 minutes ago, tyb said:

I will be making good money once I go full time. She is not currently making much more than me. I will make more when I go full time. I can pick up more hours in other cities. I usually get 4-6 days a week. It’s not awful. I admit I have been lazy with the chores, but that is easily changed. I feel like all the things are easy changes. I doubt she can actually see a future with these guys, whether it’s the guy old enough to be her father, or another attorney that may come around.

Change is never easy. If you do it for the long term. Old habits die hard.

[Ruby Slippers]

A young woman isn't thinking the way you are. She's thinking... what happens when I want to get married, get pregnant, and raise little babies? Is this guy enough of a provider and protector to give me the luxury of not worrying about income so I can focus on being a good mother? 

I'm glad my tough love motivated you a bit. That was my intention.

I will agree that lawyers are some of the smoothest talkers and in some cases BSers out there. They can really make a case. They're educated to tell any story from any angle - works well in the courtroom. 

I agree with the general vibe of your post, but I wouldn't try to prove anything to her at this point. She's had several years of evidence to show her who you are. The time for you to show her who you are is gone. The ship has sailed. Take your lumps and move on, do better next time.

[tyb]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

A young woman isn't thinking the way you are. She's thinking... what happens when I want to get married, get pregnant, and raise little babies? Is this guy enough of a provider and protector to give me the luxury of not worrying about income so I can focus on being a good mother? 

I'm glad my tough love motivated you a bit. That was my intention.

I will agree that lawyers are some of the smoothest talkers and in some cases BSers out there. They can really make a case. They're educated to tell any story from any angle - works well in the courtroom. 

I agree with the general vibe of your post, but I wouldn't try to prove anything to her at this point. She's had several years of evidence to show her who you are. The time for you to show her who you are is gone. The ship has sailed. Take your lumps and move on, do better next time.

Maybe it has, maybe not. Somewhere underneath all that trash which led her to this decision is love. I know she still cares. I do think she is special. Maybe I’ll find somebody else, but I do think she is special. That’s what’s so hard about this. I’ve been through a breakup  where I knew she wasn’t. Still sucked, but I knew. Maybe we do come back together at some point, she even said this a month ago when she first let me go, and then reconsidered. Who knows? Can’t hang my hat in that, but I can’t help but feel this way.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, tyb said:

Maybe we do come back together at some point, she even said this a month ago when she first let me go, and then reconsidered. Who knows? Can’t hang my hat in that, but I can’t help but feel this way.

True. But appealing to her while she's moving her stuff out isn't the way to make that happen. You begging and pleading is only going to give her the feeling that you'll always be sitting around waiting on her like a good little puppy - not attractive whatsoever. That tells her she can go explore with all these smooth-talking lawyers and you'll be the backup guy.

Accept the end of THIS relationship, move on and get your act together, and then sometime in the future, when you're on top of your game, you'll be ready for a better relationship, either a new one with her or a new one with someone else. 

[Marc878]

Be your new self. Strength and being positive is a very attractive trait to have. 
 

Clothes do make the man. Never underestimate that. Ahhh don’t wear a tuxedo though.😏

 

Never compete. That’s the infamous “pick me dance” and all it does is lower your status.

[Marc878]

Don’t try and over analyze anything/everything she says, etc. 

Actions are the only thing that count. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, tyb said:

I doubt she can actually see a future with these guys, whether it’s the guy old enough to be her father, or another attorney that may come around.

Why not?

Look, the thing with the older guy will probably fizzle out, yes. But why are you assuming any other man in the same profession would not be able to forge a solid relationship with her? 

My partner of 6 years is a lawyer. It's not the reason I started dating him. He's a kind man, with big heart, a great sense of humour, and many other lovely qualities. Don't let your pain and jealousy turn you into a bitter person who paints all men of a certain job with the same black brush. 

Work on getting your life more established. Your confidence will increase once you do. Maybe certain changes would have been easy to make, yes, but that's probably precisely why she is done. If they were easy changes, you should have made them long before now and listened to her when she first started mentioning them. 

 

[tyb]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why not?

Look, the thing with the older guy will probably fizzle out, yes. But why are you assuming any other man in the same profession would not be able to forge a solid relationship with her? 

My partner of 6 years is a lawyer. It's not the reason I started dating him. He's a kind man, with big heart, a great sense of humour, and many other lovely qualities. Don't let your pain and jealousy turn you into a bitter person who paints all men of a certain job with the same black brush. 

Work on getting your life more established. Your confidence will increase once you do. Maybe certain changes would have been easy to make, yes, but that's probably precisely why she is done. If they were easy changes, you should have made them long before now and listened to her when she first started mentioning them. 

 

That’s part of it tho, she never mentioned exactly what she wanted. Our communication was poor and she never could tell me what she wanted.

[Marc878]

15 minutes ago, tyb said:

That’s part of it tho, she never mentioned exactly what she wanted. Our communication was poor and she never could tell me what she wanted.

Why does she have to tell you? There are certain things you should do for yourself without having to be told.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, tyb said:

That’s part of it tho, she never mentioned exactly what she wanted. Our communication was poor and she never could tell me what she wanted.

If she didn't tell you what she wanted, how were able to work out what changes needed to be done in order to be man she wanted you to be?   After all, she didn't tell you that those changes weren't what she wanted, she told you that she didn't trust you to stay changed.  

 

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Why does she have to tell you? There are certain things you should do for yourself without having to be told.

I was thinking this myself.  There are actions which are commonly desired among most.    "I want a person who doesn't show interest in me/doesn't do chores/spends too much time on social media or gaming" said nobody ever.

[LivingWaterPlease]

7 hours ago, tyb said:

I’ll open the door for communication and if things go well I’ll ask if she wants to go out sometime. Thoughts?

 

5 hours ago, tyb said:

 

I feel like I do need to share how I feel. I’m not very optimistic either tbh. Any advice on how to go about talking to her would be appreciated

IMO, from the way it sounds (her wanting to see you) she may be glad to go out with you a time or three with the result being that it helps her wean off of you. If you ask her out it may seem like "same ole, same ole" to her. Seems to me letting her see the new tyb, presented as Marc suggested (haircut, new clothes, fresh shower, slight fragrance with aura of having some place to be soon) would be best for you both.

You; the new tyb. Goal oriented, places to go, things to do. Not trying to get her to tag along because this new journey is YOURS!

There are good things ahead for you tyb. Grab them and run!