My GF of 5 years moved out

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Be your new self. Strength and being positive is a very attractive trait to have. 
 

Clothes do make the man. Never underestimate that. Ahhh don’t wear a tuxedo though.😏

 

Never compete. That’s the infamous “pick me dance” and all it does is lower your status.

Clothes - you don’t have to break the bank nor do you need a lot. Nice khaki slacks, polo shirts you can catch on sale. Quality is key. They last don’t go out of style. 

Walk through a men’s department and see what you like or ask a nice young sales lady 😎 for help. Stylish but stay away from fads.

Belt should match your shoes. Shoes should be good quality leather as well as your belt.  Deck shoes go well with khakis. Great sales online so look. 

You want to turn a page, make a statement this is the way to start. Don’t half ass it. A complete makeover from head to toe.

Cologne. I use Armani, Polo Blue and Brooks Brothers. Walk through and ask for help. Pick what you like. There are always classy ladies working the counters. Cheap cologne will smell cheap. 

[Marc878]

When using cologne. A spray to the chest and one in the hands for face and neck. You can also run your fingers through you hair. 
 

2 short sprays. No more than that.

The wow factor will be huge but this is mainly for you. No one else.

Edited March 8, 2021 by Marc878

[basil67]

Just throwing this out there: I mentioned leaving my ex in not dissimilar circumstances 30 years ago.  He too gave himself a makeover after I left , (the stuff I'd been asking him to do for ages - basic stuff like wearing clothes which fit).   My only reaction was to think "too little, too late, buddy"

Of course, making these changes will set you up well for the future, so it's not a waste. 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Just throwing this out there: I mentioned leaving my ex in not dissimilar circumstances 30 years ago.  He too gave himself a makeover after I left , (the stuff I'd been asking him to do for ages - basic stuff like wearing clothes which fit).   My only reaction was to think "too little, too late, buddy"

Of course, making these changes will set you up well for the future, so it's not a waste. 

 

Agree...can be a bid to stay in the game or a subtle (or not so much so) signal bidding "Buh-bye" to the past! A good-bye gesture that reeks of confidence (as long as one doesn't try to hang around and get an emotional conversation going, it seems to me).

Edited March 8, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[tyb]

Thanks guys! I don’t plan on getting emotional. I plan on talking about changes, my plans for the future, achieving goals with enthusiasm, and talking about how our time apart has lit a fire under me. Do you think there is anything else to add? Should I talk about what she means to me or how she makes me feel? She can be emotional and is very sensitive. 

[Marc878]

12 minutes ago, tyb said:

Thanks guys! I don’t plan on getting emotional. I plan on talking about changes, my plans for the future, achieving goals with enthusiasm, and talking about how our time apart has lit a fire under me. Do you think there is anything else to add? Should I talk about what she means to me or how she makes me feel? She can be emotional and is very sensitive. 

Read the signs before you go into all that. IMO it could make you sound like you’re doing the “pick me dance”.  That just lowers your status even more.

If you chase they move farther away. 

I would just show her the new you and let it go at that. Curiosity is a good thing.

If she does ask about being friends and she probably will I’d tell her no thanks.

Getting friend zoned would be the kiss of death.

Edited March 8, 2021 by Marc878

[tyb]

I feel like I have to ask her to talk. I may not get another 1 on 1 in person chance. She’s probably going to be nervous. We last talked about a bunch of things including catching her in a lie. Perhaps I should text her a couple days before to lighten things? The last exchange was businesslike and about her stuff. Maybe something the day or two before such as “thanks for giving me space”.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, tyb said:

Perhaps I should text her a couple days before to lighten things? The last exchange was businesslike and about her stuff. Maybe something the day or two before such as “thanks for giving me space”.

Dude, it's moot at this point. 

Have you been reading get-your-ex-back sites or something?

[ttrain9]

I'm confused weren't you saying a few posts ago that she cheated on you with an older guy, was that false? If she cheated on you then why an earth are you trying to "peacock" her when she comes to pick up her stuff, have some self respect man. You seem to be blaming this other guy a lot as if your ex gf has absolutely no fault in the matter and is completely powerless to resist his advances, that he is just after some ass and once she realizes that she will come back to your loving arms. If that is true then I feel like this break up is a blessing in disguise for you because you need to do some work on yourself.

I don't mean to be harsh, just speaking from experience. I came to post here because I was astounded at how strikingly similar my story was to yours, the way you describe your ex gf is how I would describe mine to a tee and the way our relationship ended was much the same as well. I was very complacent, nonchalant and laid back to the point where I got far too comfortable after 3 years of being together and just kind of always expected her to stick around, ignored subtle signs of her discontent (i.e. her wanting to push the relationship forward). Except, instead of leaving me for a lawyer it was a doctor lol. 

You need to ask yourself, given that it has only been a month since the break up and your circumstances haven't changed much at all -  you're still only working part-time and it's almost impossible to make realistic, long-lasting changes to your being in a months time and you ? may have some issue with self-esteem (questioning this because if you had high self-esteem if you were cheated on you would not even consider for a second to get back together with that person), do you think you would be able to handle getting back together with her? I mean she will continue to work with this guy you've mentioned, are you going to be comfortable with that or are you going to worry that there something may be going on being the scenes? That would be torturous + detrimental to the relationship. You may feel like you're going to be walking on eggshells with her from henceforth which is not a healthy way to be in a relationship.

Again I'm sorry for being harsh, I just know how much this sucks. Best case scenario is she didn't actually cheat on you, but if it's anything like what happened with my ex and many relationships that end in this manner - she had been thinking about ending the relationship for months and her love gradually faded away. I was able to meet up with my ex after we broke up and pinpoint EXACTLY what I did wrong (her words) and what I could do to make it right, but she had been wanting me to work on those things for so long that it waned on her, the love died slowly and once the romantic love is gone its basically gone for good. She appreciated that I was able to recognize my faults but couldn't force herself to love me again. Please note though that I found out a few weeks after speaking to her again that she had actually left me for someone else which is where I cut her off completely because I'm not a cuck and you shouldn't allow yourself to be either

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, ttrain9 said:

Please note though that I found out a few weeks after speaking to her again that she had actually left me for someone else which is where I cut her off completely because I'm not a cuck and you shouldn't allow yourself to be either

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

[ttrain9]

35 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Were you saying I'm blame shifting my ex? I mentioned earlier in my post that I clearly knew what I did wrong. Maybe I wasn't clear, I was merely stating that when someone dumps you for someone else you shouldn't stay in contact with them and let them know you're waiting for them or make an effort to try get them back whilst they're sleeping someone else, irrespective of what you may or may not have done to push them away. Reeks of desperation and a lack of knowing ones own value 

[Marc878]

25 minutes ago, ttrain9 said:

Were you saying I'm blame shifting my ex? I mentioned earlier in my post that I clearly knew what I did wrong. Maybe I wasn't clear, I was merely stating that when someone dumps you for someone else you shouldn't stay in contact with them and let them know you're waiting for them or make an effort to try get them back whilst they're sleeping someone else, irrespective of what you may or may not have done to push them away. Reeks of desperation and a lack of knowing ones own value 

No, she was probably blame shifting you.

You were both in the same relationship. Was she perfect? Nope. Did her imperfections cause you to cheat on her like she did you?
 

 

[tart6245]

I thought you were going to stop communicating with her? And if she cheated on you, why are you the one trying to get her back? I feel like I am missing something here

[tyb]

2 hours ago, tart6245 said:

I thought you were going to stop communicating with her? And if she cheated on you, why are you the one trying to get her back? I feel like I am missing something here

She was talking to another guy that was hitting in her. She said nothing has happened and she put a stop to it. It would have to be discussed thoroughly if reconciliation were to begin.

[SpecialJ]

@tyb I read your thread. Here's what stands out. There's a pattern:

 

"This same thing happened in my last relationship. Left me for an old rich guy. Only difference was that she was crazy and not marriage material. I feel like I just make girls do this at this point smh."

 

"That’s part of it tho, she never mentioned exactly what she wanted. Our communication was poor and she never could tell me what she wanted."

 

"It’s just so frustrating that I realize now we were in a dependent relationship."

 

"She was just so good to me. To the point where she didn’t do anything that she wanted to do. She did everything for me, even tho I never asked."

 

I wanted to recommend you look up the "anxious-avoidant trap" and see if any of it resonates for you. It describes a specific and very common romantic dynamic that inevitably fails over time and has a lot of aspects of the relationship patterns you describe. Here's a link to get started: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ending-anxious-avoidant-dance-part-1-opposing-attachment-styles-0518174

 

Even if you can't fix things with her (which you can't unless she's equally ready for some hard introspection healing work that you both need to do independently of each other to address this... otherwise you'd both just eventually repeat the unhappiness if you did reconcile), you can choose partners in the future that won't end up in this dynamic. But you have to make a conscious decision to do so and working on yourself is part of it.

[tyb]

59 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

@tyb I read your thread. Here's what stands out. There's a pattern:

 

"This same thing happened in my last relationship. Left me for an old rich guy. Only difference was that she was crazy and not marriage material. I feel like I just make girls do this at this point smh."

 

"That’s part of it tho, she never mentioned exactly what she wanted. Our communication was poor and she never could tell me what she wanted."

 

"It’s just so frustrating that I realize now we were in a dependent relationship."

 

"She was just so good to me. To the point where she didn’t do anything that she wanted to do. She did everything for me, even tho I never asked."

 

I wanted to recommend you look up the "anxious-avoidant trap" and see if any of it resonates for you. It describes a specific and very common romantic dynamic that inevitably fails over time and has a lot of aspects of the relationship patterns you describe. Here's a link to get started: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ending-anxious-avoidant-dance-part-1-opposing-attachment-styles-0518174

 

Even if you can't fix things with her (which you can't unless she's equally ready for some hard introspection healing work that you both need to do independently of each other to address this... otherwise you'd both just eventually repeat the unhappiness if you did reconcile), you can choose partners in the future that won't end up in this dynamic. But you have to make a conscious decision to do so and working on yourself is part of it.

Thank you so much for this

@SpecialJwould you consider her the fearful avoidant?

Edited March 8, 2021 by tyb

[SpecialJ]

I think there's one of two possibilities. Either you're both fearful avoidant, but she came across as anxious (when you felt smothered) while you were avoidant (distant), but now the anxious and avoidant sides swapped... which isn't uncommon. Or she's just anxious and you're avoidant and she hit a wall after pushing her own needs down so long, and after major mutual communication fail after fail she was done. Can you accept PMs on this site? I can send you another link to figure out which side of things you're on if you're interested. 

[tyb]

10 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

I think there's one of two possibilities. Either you're both fearful avoidant, but she came across as anxious (when you felt smothered) while you were avoidant (distant), but now the anxious and avoidant sides swapped... which isn't uncommon. Or she's just anxious and you're avoidant and she hit a wall after pushing her own needs down so long, and after major mutual communication fail after fail she was done. Can you accept PMs on this site? I can send you another link to figure out which side of things you're on if you're interested. 

I don’t think so. From what I’ve read just now, she seems like the anxious and I’m the fearful avoidant.

 

if you have another form of communication I’d be interested in talking to you

Edited March 8, 2021 by tyb

[basil67]

@tyb you're doing yourself no favours by trying to blame her being 'anxious' for her leaving. Even a most secure person will get fed up with a partner who is lazy, lose their love and move on. 

 

[SpecialJ]

On 3/8/2021 at 3:10 PM, tyb said:

From what I’ve read just now, she seems like the anxious and I’m the fearful avoidant.

Based on what you've said so far, this sounds like it's probably right for you. And if you've got a fearful avoidant style, it's the starting point for you to unravel the dating difficulties you've had.

The problem with this situation is you and the significant other end up having two different sets of needs for closeness / distance, a lot of communication issues, and underlying unaddressed problems that existed before you both even met. There's a huge amount of growth that can come out of it, and it sounds to me like you are in earnest looking for answers for yourself which is why I wanted to reply. But the issues are reaaaally hard to repair within a relationship that is already entrenched in this dynamic, and most of the time it *is* future partners who "reap the benefits." It doesn't mean you loved each other any less, but there are core incompatibilities that don't look obvious at all until you dig in. I've been in similar situations to this and sometimes have been able to remain friendly afterwards, but I felt like I was always banging my head against the wall (even one time when we did reconcile!), until I straightened myself out and then found a more compatible partner (which I did, and he's awesome). It's hard work to address, though eventually worth it. 

We can't publicly share other forms of contact info on this forum, but newer members do eventually get messaging capabilities. 

 

Edited March 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link.

[tyb]

On 3/8/2021 at 3:47 PM, SpecialJ said:

Based on what you've said so far, this sounds like it's probably right for you. And if you've got a fearful avoidant style, it's the starting point for you to unravel the dating difficulties you've had.

The problem with this situation is you and the significant other end up having two different sets of needs for closeness / distance, a lot of communication issues, and underlying unaddressed problems that existed before you both even met. There's a huge amount of growth that can come out of it, and it sounds to me like you are in earnest looking for answers for yourself which is why I wanted to reply. But the issues are reaaaally hard to repair within a relationship that is already entrenched in this dynamic, and most of the time it *is* future partners who "reap the benefits." It doesn't mean you loved each other any less, but there are core incompatibilities that don't look obvious at all until you dig in. I've been in similar situations to this and sometimes have been able to remain friendly afterwards, but I felt like I was always banging my head against the wall (even one time when we did reconcile!), until I straightened myself out and then found a more compatible partner (which I did, and he's awesome). It's hard work to address, though eventually worth it. 

We can't publicly share other forms of contact info on this forum, but newer members do eventually get messaging capabilities. 

Actually seems like I’m more avoidant. I think I can work on it, but you’re right, two conflicting styles.

Edited March 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link.

[tyb]

We talked tonight for about 30 minutes. The conversation started a bit edgy, but loosened up a lot as it went on. We both laughed quite a bit. I talked about some of the new things I’ve been doing, with focus on self reflection and becoming a more well rounded individual. She did seem a bit guarded and I didn’t make many advances. Gonna try to build up some good rapport before our meet on Sunday. Told her she could get ahold of me tomorrow. She didn’t really acknowledge that, but we will see.

 

Her sister is gonna stay with her for the rest of the week since her parents are out of town. Still waiting to see how this week goes before I decide if I want to slow play it and get her to go out Sunday for a lunch and talk a bit about how we can make it work, or if I should just lay all the cards on the table with an emotional conversation about how we can fix issues and if we are willing to put the effort in.
 

The last emotional conversation did have an impact, but I may have jumped the gun by unfollowing her. She said it was all she could think about the next day. I ultimately went NC after that. I’ve learned that NC doesn’t work very well on anxious attachment types, so I threw that out. I’m feeling stronger day by day, and I’m not too optimistic about this being successful, but it seems to be the best route to possible reconciliation.

[SpecialJ]

@tyb, NC isn't like that. You use it for yourself to get into a better headspace or to detox and move on. Using it to manipulate someone is a recipe for failure. Besides, she already told you what she wants. She wants you to be consistent, with words and actions aligning. That is the ONLY way you might salvage this, not through game playing. Understanding anxious attachment isn't to figure out how to win her back, but anyone insecure does need consistency and healthy boundaries to feel safe and more secure. NOT GAMES or any attempt at manipulating the situation to get the response you want. Emotionally mature people are not going to respond to that well at all. 

[tyb]

6 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

@tyb, NC isn't like that. You use it for yourself to get into a better headspace or to detox and move on. Using it to manipulate someone is a recipe for failure. Besides, she already told you what she wants. She wants you to be consistent, with words and actions aligning. That is the ONLY way you might salvage this, not through game playing. Understanding anxious attachment isn't to figure out how to win her back, but anyone insecure does need consistency and healthy boundaries to feel safe and more secure. NOT GAMES or any attempt at manipulating the situation to get the response you want. Emotionally mature people are not going to respond to that well at all. 

What I meant was, the more time after the breakup, the less likely an anxious attachment style will be open to reconciliation. I feel like I understand her much more now and now see why she panics at times. I think I will present our dynamic to her when we meet.

[tyb]

I don’t want to play games. It just seems like most of the things I think of as far as how to handle things seem to be considered mistakes by others. I want to make the “right” move too much. I acknowledge my mistakes in the relationship, and I understand her flaws in the relationship now too. I just want her back. We connect not only on an intimate level but also as friends, which is hard to find for me.