My GF of 5 years moved out

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't fall down the attachment theory rabbit hole. 

It has some validity, sure, but people on these forums use it way too much to excuse bad behaviour or justify chasing someone who's just dumped them. Can't she just be a young woman who outgrew this relationship and got tired of waiting for things to change? 

OP, what would happen if you did nothing at all? Just stood still and stopped doing mental gymnastics with yourself trying to think of ways to get her back, stopped reading get-your-ex-back tips about how to keep it "light" and positive and rebuild attraction? If you feel that standing still and doing nothing would drive her away, then I hate to break it to you that you have no basis for a reconciliation anyway. 

Why? Because you're not really factoring in plain old lack of desire on her part. If she doesn't want to try again, there is nothing you can do. You have to accept her own will here, too. It doesn't mean she has this or that attachment style. It doesn't mean she is confused. It means she grew up and moved on from the partnership you once had.  

You can try, but at what point are you going to be willing to concede that it's truly over and not going to come back together?

[ttrain9]

5 hours ago, tyb said:

What I meant was, the more time after the breakup, the less likely an anxious attachment style will be open to reconciliation. I feel like I understand her much more now and now see why she panics at times. I think I will present our dynamic to her when we meet.

You can't make a logical presentation to someone who has fallen out of love with you and left the relationship, logic does not produce or rekindle emotions and feelings. OP be honest with yourself and think about the changes you have made in the last month - have you really done anything in regards to self improvement other than introspection? Real change comes from repeated actions and measurable results, not just thinking about things vigorously. You sound like you have been thinking about your future and how you can become a better man which is something most people will never do in their lives and you're on the road to achieving that. I just hope you haven't only been imaging said future and achieving said results with her by your side because you made be very disappointed and lose sight of your vision. It may be easy to project a new persona onto your ex when you meet, but it will be difficult to maintain in the short term and the cracks in your armor may show. Talk is talk, if you hadn't been showing her that you were driven and goal orientated for an extended period of time, talking about achieving your goals with enthusiasm is meaningless. Focusing on yourself right now and actually achieving those goals carries weight.

That being said, multiple people who have gone through similar situations as you have told you to just stay NC, to move on and to focus on yourself for a little bit but you seem to be cherry-picking the advice that fits in with your agenda of reconciliation. And that's fine, it's completely normal, I did the exact same thing when I was dumped as do most people who haven't really been through a major breakup. If you feel like you have to lay all your cards out on the table one last time to be able to move on without any regrets, then go ahead. I do hope you are able to work it out with her if that's what you really want, just don't get your hopes up too much. If it doesn't work out after this last attempt, go NC for real this time (for yourself), achieve your goals and become a better man. The best progress you can make in regards to self-development is when you are alone, because you don't have to worry about anyone else but yourself. 

Edited March 9, 2021 by ttrain9

[tyb]

4 hours ago, ttrain9 said:

You can't make a logical presentation to someone who has fallen out of love with you and left the relationship, logic does not produce or rekindle emotions and feelings. OP be honest with yourself and think about the changes you have made in the last month - have you really done anything in regards to self improvement other than introspection? Real change comes from repeated actions and measurable results, not just thinking about things vigorously. You sound like you have been thinking about your future and how you can become a better man which is something most people will never do in their lives and you're on the road to achieving that. I just hope you haven't only been imaging said future and achieving said results with her by your side because you made be very disappointed and lose sight of your vision. It may be easy to project a new persona onto your ex when you meet, but it will be difficult to maintain in the short term and the cracks in your armor may show. Talk is talk, if you hadn't been showing her that you were driven and goal orientated for an extended period of time, talking about achieving your goals with enthusiasm is meaningless. Focusing on yourself right now and actually achieving those goals carries weight.

That being said, multiple people who have gone through similar situations as you have told you to just stay NC, to move on and to focus on yourself for a little bit but you seem to be cherry-picking the advice that fits in with your agenda of reconciliation. And that's fine, it's completely normal, I did the exact same thing when I was dumped as do most people who haven't really been through a major breakup. If you feel like you have to lay all your cards out on the table one last time to be able to move on without any regrets, then go ahead. I do hope you are able to work it out with her if that's what you really want, just don't get your hopes up too much. If it doesn't work out after this last attempt, go NC for real this time (for yourself), achieve your goals and become a better man. The best progress you can make in regards to self-development is when you are alone, because you don't have to worry about anyone else but yourself. 

Makes a lot of sense, thank you

[tyb]

So my ex’s mom called me tonight. She found out about the other guy somehow. I confirmed it and we talked for a bit about her behavior. She is so shocked. Her sisters are also very upset. They feel the need to confront her about what she is doing. Keep in mind that I have nothing to do with this, but I do think a little influence from that side of the family is not a bad thing, just to even things out and give her another perspective. 
 

My ex also texted me tonight a video of my dog from 4 years ago. She said it was when she was allowed on my bed lol. I know it’s nothing, but at least it’s something.

[trident_2020]

Straw grabbing.

[Marc878]

Breadcrumb 

[tyb]

59 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Breadcrumb 

Agree. Still kind of surprised. Nothing to see really, she is obsessed with my dog. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It is really inapproriate of all of you to be discussing her like this. 

She is an adult. She can date whom she wants, even if you and her family don't approve. Confronting her is ridiculous.  She did the right thing breaking up with you if she wants to date someone else. It's not your business, nor her mom's, nor her sisters'. 

All of you need to stay in your lane and learn better boundaries. 

[JAKE022]

I guess this other guy is confirmed, in my opinion she proved that she is not loyal person, and does not want to work on your relationship, tbh it would be the best to leave her alone and not talk with her family about it, she did what she did and this should show you what kind of person she is , even if she is back one day would you trust her 100% ?

[elaine567]

22 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I guess this other guy is confirmed, in my opinion she proved that she is not loyal person, and does not want to work on your relationship

Dating is not about finding someone and putting up with them for life even if they are not feeling it any longer.
She moved out, the minute she did that was the hint that she was not up for working on the relationship.
Had she wanted to do that she would have not moved out, then made it clear she had broken up with the OP.
Too many want to ignore what is glaringly obvious as they are so caught up in their own feelings and project it on to the other. .

[tyb]

The new guy is definitely there, but we can’t really confirm they are together. She told me she stopped it, but that may be a lie. Her sister on her moms side has a friend where she works and told her what they know. I didn’t share anything about what I knew besides confirming it was that guy. I didn’t offer any opinions or anything, just listened to what she had to say. They want to talk to her because they believe she may be taken advantage of. Again, none of my concern. Also to the poster who said she moved out, she still has all of her stuff at the apt, but there is a date set to move.

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

The new guy is definitely there, but we can’t really confirm they are together. She told me she stopped it, but that may be a lie. Her sister on her moms side has a friend where she works and told her what they know. I didn’t share anything about what I knew besides confirming it was that guy. I didn’t offer any opinions or anything, just listened to what she had to say. They want to talk to her because they believe she may be taken advantage of. Again, none of my concern. Also to the poster who said she moved out, she still has all of her stuff at the apt, but there is a date set to move.

What I don't understand is why you have any interest at all in someone who is seeing someone else? There is no reason to talk to her family and no reason to care if she is taken advantage of by someone else or not. She is an adult and can make her own decisions separately from what her family things. She made the decision to cheat/see someone else who isn't you, then dump you, and you need to accept it, grow from it, and move on. It's hard to do but I don't understand the circumstances here or why you'd have any care at all about her after all she's done to you. 

I'd set a date for her to move as soon as you can and get it done. You're going to remain in limbo and delaying your healing process as long as you wait on her to get her things. 

[JAKE022]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Dating is not about finding someone and putting up with them for life even if they are not feeling it any longer.
She moved out, the minute she did that was the hint that she was not up for working on the relationship.
Had she wanted to do that she would have not moved out, then made it clear she had broken up with the OP.
Too many want to ignore what is glaringly obvious as they are so caught up in their own feelings and project it on to the other. .

Of course it is not if you are not feeling it than you have all rights to leave however if you are in 5 yr long relationship then you deserve loyalty which means 

1 You communicate about your issues

2 If it didint work out and you want to leave , than you dont cheat , just end the relationship and move on

Its clear for me that OPs ex cheated on him at least emotionally, and after 5 years of taking care of each other he deserved better, unless there was no abuse than nobody deserves to be cheated on , this is something i will never understand and one of my exes (not my recent one)  did it to me even tho i really took care of her, the day she did it she became wothless to me - she explained that she lost her feelings but it doesnt justify her actions  to be honest people who cheat makes me disgusted, so i hope me or OP wont ever meet someone like this. 
loyalty is not just about staying together but also when one person is not feeling it anymore to not hurt other one and stab someone in the back when you gave them everything you could, loyalty and respect should always be there

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

You communicate about your issues

She did. 

Based on OP's own account, she had come to him before with her concerns. He didn't really get how serious she was until she told him she wanted out. 

[JAKE022]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She did. 

Based on OP's own account, she had come to him before with her concerns. He didn't really get how serious she was until she told him she wanted out. 

Still in my eyes it doesnt justify cheating

[tart6245]

35 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Still in my eyes it doesnt justify cheating

No, of course not. But I don't understand why he still wants to be involved with her after all of that. I get that self-esteem is hurt after a breakup, but she cheated on him and then tried to use him as some sort of emotional blanket to help her feel better. He really need to cut her out of his life and stop trying to talk to her or her parents. As hard as it is, it's difficult to come back after that

[JAKE022]

1 minute ago, tart6245 said:

No, of course not. But I don't understand why he still wants to be involved with her after all of that. I get that self-esteem is hurt after a breakup, but she cheated on him and then tried to use him as some sort of emotional blanket to help her feel better. He really need to cut her out of his life and stop trying to talk to her or her parents. As hard as it is, it's difficult to come back after that

He is still listening to his heart and not his brain, and i understand him because he loves her so much he is willing to forgive her immidiately at the moment , in few months he will lok at this differently 

[tyb]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She did. 

Based on OP's own account, she had come to him before with her concerns. He didn't really get how serious she was until she told him she wanted out. 

Did she tho? After she came to me, I picked it up. A week later she started staying at her parents, and a few days after that she wanted a breakup.

[SpecialJ]

If she didn't, though, that's even worse. That would reflect how bad her communication is. You've already mentioned your communication together was terrible. That won't change without a lot of effort, and it's not effort she's willing to put in. Relationships without direct communication eventually fail (as is typical in an anxious-avoidant dynamic that we already discussed).

 

I agree with @ExpatInItaly at this point. Her bad relationship patterns and codependency were learned from her family, who even now are showing you they have terrible boundaries. I can't imagine my family ever reaching out to an ex to talk about me! You're all adults, she's not a child!! You need to stay in your lane if you want any chance at a healthy and not dysfunctional relationship in the future. I don't think it's going to be with her... she's not emotionally mature enough. I know you still love her, but you can do way better and be much happier at some future point in time if you focus on your own issues and leave this mess behind. Your ex has zero mature or adult conflict-resolution abilities. Trying to have a life long romantic relationship like that will make you miserable, no matter how much you love her or how many common interests you have. Give yourself some no contact space for a few months while you dig into addressing your own avoidance issues and see if your perspective shifts. Relationships don't need to be this difficult. 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, tyb said:

Did she tho? After she came to me, I picked it up. A week later she started staying at her parents, and a few days after that she wanted a breakup.

And up until that point, you had no clue that contributing far less than her to the housework would leave her feeling overwhelmed and create resentment?   It didn't occur to you that as you worked less days, you could contribute more at home? 

If this is the case, It's not her fault that you didn't understand the concept of sharing a workload without it having to be explained. 

[tyb]

2 minutes ago, SpecialJ said:

If she didn't, though, that's even worse. That would reflect how bad her communication is. You've already mentioned your communication together was terrible. That won't change without a lot of effort, and it's not effort she's willing to put in. Relationships without direct communication eventually fail (as is typical in an anxious-avoidant dynamic that we already discussed).

 

I agree with @ExpatInItaly at this point. Her bad relationship patterns and codependency were learned from her family, who even now are showing you they have terrible boundaries. I can't imagine my family ever reaching out to an ex to talk about me! You're all adults, she's not a child!! You need to stay in your lane if you want any chance at a healthy and not dysfunctional relationship in the future. I don't think it's going to be with her... she's not emotionally mature enough. I know you still love her, but you can do way better and be much happier at some future point in time if you focus on your own issues and leave this mess behind. Your ex has zero mature or adult conflict-resolution abilities. Trying to have a life long romantic relationship like that will make you miserable, no matter how much you love her or how many common interests you have. Give yourself some no contact space for a few months while you dig into addressing your own avoidance issues and see if your perspective shifts. Relationships don't need to be this difficult. 

I’ve thought about this. I can’t help but feel like I love to try to play fixer. I do think she is worth it, and I’d like to see if we can grow our communication given the chance. If we both understand each other’s feelings and it is normal for us to feel them, we could work together, but we both have to be committed. Which is something that I don’t believe she is at the moment. She has some self issues to address, as do I. Most of hers comes from self esteem, whereas mine comes from not getting too close to people.

[tyb]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And up until that point, you had no clue that contributing far less than her to the housework would leave her feeling overwhelmed and create resentment?   It didn't occur to you that as you worked less days, you could contribute more at home? 

If this is the case, It's not her fault that you didn't understand the concept of sharing a workload without it having to be explained. 

I did the duties I had been doing. When she brought it up I did it. That was something that is easily fixed. I don’t believe that’s the root of this.

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, tyb said:

I did the duties I had been doing. When she brought it up I did it. That was something that is easily fixed. I don’t believe that’s the root of this.

Sure, you did some stuff.  But with hindsight, you agree that you were lazy.  What part of you rationalised that it was OK to have her doing a lot more than you?  

Your lack of domestic care wouldn't have been the only issue, but it would have contributed.  And while you're right that you can change and stay changed, it's not so easy for her to let go of the resentment which would have built over five years of this.    These issues are the kind of thing which makes our partners fall out of love

Edited March 12, 2021 by basil67

[tyb]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Sure, you did some stuff.  But with hindsight, you agree that you were lazy.  What part of you rationalised that it was OK to have her doing a lot more than you?  

Your lack of domestic care wouldn't have been the only issue, but it would have contributed.  And while you're right that you can change and stay changed, it's not so easy for her to let go of the resentment which would have built over five years of this.    These issues are the kind of thing which makes our partners fall out of love

She didn’t ask me to do more until a month ago. I grew up in a house where my mother did much of the cleaning. I didn’t rationalize it because it wasn’t something I thought about. I see the flaws in that. On days where I didn’t work, I should’ve done more.

[tyb]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Sure, you did some stuff.  But with hindsight, you agree that you were lazy.  What part of you rationalised that it was OK to have her doing a lot more than you?  

Your lack of domestic care wouldn't have been the only issue, but it would have contributed.  And while you're right that you can change and stay changed, it's not so easy for her to let go of the resentment which would have built over five years of this.    These issues are the kind of thing which makes our partners fall out of love

I believe it stems from my childhood. My dad was super lazy and absent. I have went through life and relationships trying to learn what true love is on my own.