My GF of 5 years moved out

[Marc878]

I think it’s simple. She had the chance and traded up because she wanted to.

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

She didn’t ask me to do more until a month ago.

She shouldn't have had to ask. By the time she did she was probably at the end of her rope.

Going forward try to be more self accountable and don't blame your childhood.

 

[Thunder27]

7 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

She shouldn't have had to ask. By the time she did she was probably at the end of her rope.

I don't know much about relationships, but can someone really be expected to be perfect at maintaining a relationship for 5 years straight? I mean, it just seems too easy for people to leave when things arn't going well and find someone new. Why don't people just communicate instead of letting it build into resentment? 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Thunder27

[Marc878]

18 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

I don't know much about relationships, but can someone really be expected to be perfect at maintaining a relationship for 5 years straight? I mean, it just seems too easy for people to leave when things arn't going well and find someone new. Why don't people just communicate instead of letting it build into resentment? 

It was probably an excuse to jump to her other man.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Still in my eyes it doesnt justify cheating

Sincere question, who said it did?

Edited March 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Marc878 said:

I think it’s simple. She had the chance and traded up because she wanted to.

Of course. That is how dating works. Everyone is looking for the best they can find. Why wouldn't they? 
People who don't match up get discarded.
Life is too short to be miserable. 
He had 5 years to impress. He didn't impress. She started looking for a better match.
Did she actually cheat? we don't really know.
BUT most people decide to split to  be free to go out in the world and find someone else, that is the truth of the matter.
"Romantic love" is rarely unconditional. Your parents and close relatives will usually  give you chance after chance after chance when you mess up or disappoint, but a "lover" has a limit and once you cross that limit you are history...

Edited March 13, 2021 by elaine567

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Marc878 said:

I think it’s simple. She had the chance and traded up because she wanted to.

Well yes.  If we let down the team, the team may choose another player.

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Well yes.  If we let down the team, the team may choose another player.

Not necessarily. It may have been that at this stage in life she wanted more. 
 

It’s not gender specific. Some men trade in for younger women all the time. Some women like men who have more monetarily and or have more power.  
 

They all seem to need an excuse to justify. That’s where blame shifting comes in.

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Of course. That is how dating works. Everyone is looking for the best they can find. Why wouldn't they? 
People who don't match up get discarded.
Life is too short to be miserable. 
He had 5 years to impress. He didn't impress. She started looking for a better match.
Did she actually cheat? we don't really know.
BUT most people decide to split to  be free to go out in the world and find someone else, that is the truth of the matter.
"Romantic love" is rarely unconditional. Your parents and close relatives will usually  give you chance after chance after chance when you mess up or disappoint, but a "lover" has a limit and once you cross that limit you are history...

I think this is spot on.

Obviously she did a comparison and choose accordingly. It is her choice to do so. They aren’t married so.

Some men trade in older wives for younger ones all the time. From what I’ve seen there is no reason other than the attraction.

Yet they tend to blame shift to justify their actions. Everyone tends to want an excuse when in a lot of time it’s just a trade.

Edited March 13, 2021 by Marc878

[Thunder27]

7 hours ago, Marc878 said:

I think this is spot on.

Obviously she did a comparison and choose accordingly. It is her choice to do so. They aren’t married so.

Some men trade in older wives for younger ones all the time. From what I’ve seen there is no reason other than the attraction.

Yet they tend to blame shift to justify their actions. Everyone tends to want an excuse when in a lot of time it’s just a trade.

To me all this talk just makes relationships seem like a waste of time. When I went into my last relationship I went in looking at it as a commitment and something I wanted to work on. 

Am I just in a minority? I feel like the people on this board are looking to maximize their individual pleasure and when that falls short they just move on asap. Makes me pessimistic again. 

[Marc878]

4 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

To me all this talk just makes relationships seem like a waste of time. When I went into my last relationship I went in looking at it as a commitment and something I wanted to work on. 

Am I just in a minority? I feel like the people on this board are looking to maximize their individual pleasure and when that falls short they just move on asap. Makes me pessimistic again. 

Not necessarily. Some relationships don’t work out but others do. There are opportunists on both sides. There are good people out there but you do have to put in some diligence to find who’s right for you. 

The op if you’ve read the thread is 31 and working a part time job. An obvious disadvantage.

[trident_2020]

21 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

I don't know much about relationships, but can someone really be expected to be perfect at maintaining a relationship for 5 years straight? I mean, it just seems too easy for people to leave when things arn't going well and find someone new. Why don't people just communicate instead of letting it build into resentment? 

In an ideal world, sure she would have made her complaints known. Who knows maybe she did and he didn't listen. Or she said nothing because she was afraid of his response, or didn't want to come across as a nag.. anyway the resentment grew and truth is he admitted he was lazy and could have helped out more.

I've seen it too many times, one of the two parties, usually the guy, gets complacent. The woman runs around doing all the cooking, cleaning etc while the guy has his feet  up on the couch playing video games or whatever. He thinks life is great, he's got his needs met and he doesn't think there's any problem until she leaves him.

 

[Marc878]

28 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

In an ideal world, sure she would have made her complaints known. Who knows maybe she did and he didn't listen. Or she said nothing because she was afraid of his response, or didn't want to come across as a nag.. anyway the resentment grew and truth is he admitted he was lazy and could have helped out more.

I've seen it too many times, one of the two parties, usually the guy, gets complacent. The woman runs around doing all the cooking, cleaning etc while the guy has his feet  up on the couch playing video games or whatever. He thinks life is great, he's got his needs met and he doesn't think there's any problem until she leaves him.

 

Or it wasn’t a problem until she got attention from the other guy.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Or it wasn’t a problem until she got attention from the other guy.

Yes, epiphanies are a real thing. 

[tyb]

Some of you guys act like I’m a pos. I wasn’t that bad. Sure there are things I could’ve done better, there were also things she could too. She decided to move an hour away from her job. I cook kicka** meals every night. Meals that she requested. I took out trash, cleaned toilet. Took care of dog. Before Covid I would set up dates weekly. Yes I’m part time at a solid paying job. Yes I am next in line for a full time job with full benefits. Yes there are 2 people in their late 60’s planning on retiring soon. We both have HS diplomas with a little college. She had her insecurities and neglected her mental health. She had no hobbies, no friends, she was very attached. I can tell her how beautiful and great she is everyday, and she still doesn’t believe it in her own mind. She can go after another guy that will say anything to get in those pants. That’s the game. She’ll eventually see. (If she didn’t actually put a stop to it like she said). If she wants to take that leap, go ahead. The relationship didn’t feel on the rocks. She knew I’d have her back no matter what. She is fearing regret, I know this. I’ve seen the texts talking about it. She sends me breadcrumbs more and more. Take that epiphany and shove it. You know nothing.

 

She is coming by tomorrow and I am going to tell her it is confusing when she is sending me these things, I need to know where she is at. Some clarity. I’ll ask her what she wants to see in this relationship to make it work. If she doesn’t give a resounding no, I’ll tell her what being apart has taught me about myself, and go from there.

[Thunder27]

4 hours ago, tyb said:

Some of you guys act like I’m a pos. I wasn’t that bad. Sure there are things I could’ve done better, there were also things she could too. She decided to move an hour away from her job. I cook kicka** meals every night. Meals that she requested. I took out trash, cleaned toilet. Took care of dog. Before Covid I would set up dates weekly. Yes I’m part time at a solid paying job. Yes I am next in line for a full time job with full benefits. Yes there are 2 people in their late 60’s planning on retiring soon. We both have HS diplomas with a little college. She had her insecurities and neglected her mental health. She had no hobbies, no friends, she was very attached. I can tell her how beautiful and great she is everyday, and she still doesn’t believe it in her own mind. She can go after another guy that will say anything to get in those pants. That’s the game. She’ll eventually see. (If she didn’t actually put a stop to it like she said). If she wants to take that leap, go ahead. The relationship didn’t feel on the rocks. She knew I’d have her back no matter what. She is fearing regret, I know this. I’ve seen the texts talking about it. She sends me breadcrumbs more and more. Take that epiphany and shove it. You know nothing.

 

She is coming by tomorrow and I am going to tell her it is confusing when she is sending me these things, I need to know where she is at. Some clarity. I’ll ask her what she wants to see in this relationship to make it work. If she doesn’t give a resounding no, I’ll tell her what being apart has taught me about myself, and go from there.

I agree that people are making way too many assumptions about you. But just from a neutral perspective here, it seems hard to make a solid relationship after all that's happened, and with someone who is confused. I get it though, love and all--I would have done the same thing. I hope you get whatever is best for you from this situation. 

[tart6245]

I don't think anyone is trying to be unfair or hard on you. We're just looking to help which is why we are all here in some form or another. It's easy to lose confidence or self-respect when you are left by someone you've been with for a long time. I go through that as well dealing with my own heartbreak. But there are certain things that should not be tolerated, and she was cheating on you in some form, whether it was physical or emotional, and that alone should be enough for you to cut ties. I know these things take time. I still struggle two months out of my relationship, but I know I've made some progress. 

[tart6245]

On 3/12/2021 at 4:54 PM, JAKE022 said:

He is still listening to his heart and not his brain, and i understand him because he loves her so much he is willing to forgive her immidiately at the moment , in few months he will lok at this differently 

Right, I know where he is right now and I know how hard this must be for him. Losing someone, especially someone you've been with for a long time and someone you live with, is very hard. He will get to the point where he begins to see the negatives about her rather than viewing her as this perfect person that needs him. It will take time but he will eventually move on. But first he needs to cut all ties with her. 

[tyb]

Hey guys, she came over Sunday morning to get everything besides furniture. I was watching a movie on the couch. After a bit of packing, she came and sat down across from me to talk. We talked a bit about what we went through in the past month. She noticed I was thinner (lost 20lbs), I told her I had taken the breakup pretty hard for a couple weeks. She said she was eating everything in sight. She said it’s been hard for her too. She said it feels strange moving everything out, I asked her if that’s what she wanted. She paused, then nodded her head, yes.

She asked what my plans were for where I would live. Then I asked her. She said she was looking at apartments downtown where she lives (very close to where the guy lives). We talked about things we have been doing to help ourselves. She said working out, walks, friends, family. I told her I have been working out, and reading a lot about how to be more in touch with emotions, and understanding the dynamic between us and why we had arguments that hurt our relationship. Also how to prevent them from being painful, along with how to work through it. I asked her what it was that went wrong. Was it my drive? My lack of help around the house? The emotional connection? Someone else? The arguing? She said it wasn’t drive, or somebody else (likely a lie). She said the guy just made her see things she wasn’t getting and opened her eyes. I said to watch out for people who say things only to get what they want. She said, “I know, gotta watch out for those people”.  She said that the grind of everyday for the past year and a half had been draining her physically and emotionally, and it built up some resentment. She said she was afraid to communicate this to me because she thought I wouldn’t compromise. I told her I was willing to uproot my life to move closer to her work. She also said that she simply could no longer take anymore of the silent treatment I gave her when we argued.

I didn’t feel like I should push it anymore. She didn’t seem to have much emotion talking to me, except maybe when I was explaining me feelings for her briefly. She came over and we hugged for a minute straight. She finished packing and I helped her with the heavy boxes. She sat down once more and I told her, “so, this is it. Maybe the last time we see each other”. She said, “I wouldn’t say that, I can see us getting together for wings and beer to watch a game”. She also said she would be open to coming by next month to clean the apartment before inspections. We embraced for another minute, then she left. 

The next day she texted me thanking for helping me move, and that she appreciated that and our conversation.

For people who are into zodiac. She is a cancer and I am a Virgo. Been reading a bit on those and they are surprisingly accurate.

As for the other guy, he is 19 years older, and I don’t know if she could see her marrying that, but I know when people jump into another relationship after a long one, they try to speed things up to where they were in the past one. We shall see.

I was still pretty sad and emotional when she came. I’m probably going to take some time to myself now. I may not have gotten the answers I wanted, but did get the answers I needed. I do still love her deeply and believe that things can work out, knowing what I know now. Likely too little too late. They say cancers don’t usually come back, and once it’s over it’s over. I can see us still being friends, but it would take a lot to build that trust back, on both sides. Never say never, but her love is 100% all in. Someone is going to marry her. Hopefully she looks back on our connection with fondness.

[tart6245]

It sounds like you got closure, even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear. That's more than many of us receive. Hopefully, you can now let go of any hope you have at reconciliation and begin the healing process in earnest now. She didn't even leave the light on for anything in the future aside from a friendship, which is more clear than many others do that leave the door open.

As hard as it can be, I would try not to worry about the other guy or his age. He opened her eyes to whatever else she wanted, and she will look for that in him or someone else. It sucks, but life will go on and in time you will feel better. 

[tyb]

7 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

It sounds like you got closure, even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear. That's more than many of us receive. Hopefully, you can now let go of any hope you have at reconciliation and begin the healing process in earnest now. She didn't even leave the light on for anything in the future aside from a friendship, which is more clear than many others do that leave the door open.

As hard as it can be, I would try not to worry about the other guy or his age. He opened her eyes to whatever else she wanted, and she will look for that in him or someone else. It sucks, but life will go on and in time you will feel better. 

How do you know that the light isn’t on for anything in the future? Just curious

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, tyb said:

How do you know that the light isn’t on for anything in the future? Just curious

When you asked if it was all over, she said maybe you'd get together in the future to watch a game and drink a beer. She told you the other guy made her see things she wasn't getting and it opened her eyes. None of us are experts, but saying those things did not leave the door open for getting back together in the future. She acknowledged her interest in the other guy and didn't tell you anything like maybe someday you'd find your way back to each other. 

There's always a chance as nothing is impossible, but you need to let it go and act as if it will never happen again. And be thankful you got this kind of closure. A lot of us are still hanging in limbo or had exes who left the door open with little answers otherwise. 

[trident_2020]

A couple of important points from that last meeting with her.

1- You come across as barely covering up your desperation and neediness with all those questions and she will see right through it. Any possible remaining attraction would be extinguished rather quickly if it was even there to begin with.

2- There's no point in asking her about another guy of course she'll lie about it, it's way too awkward and painful for her to admit it to you.

3- Astrology is bunk

4- Most importantly the silent treatment you gave her and her response to it- that passive aggressive behavior is childish, extremely destructive and nonproductive on so many levels. Just stop doing it.

5- Stop hoping for reconciliation.

 

[Thunder27]

I'm glad you got some sense of closure, but the sooner you let go of that hope of reconciliation the better. In this stage of the break up you're a hope junky looking for the next fix--it prevents you from falling into despair; but you're going to have to go through the despair if you want to heal. The way my relationship ended, she left a lot of hope of reconciliation due to circumstances. I've been grieving a 5 month relationship for 4 months now because i randomly convince myself she will come back. Its not happening, please don't keep thinking she will come back. Even though it feels good, you're not doing yourself any favours.

Also, don't get too caught up in astrology. Its easy to turn to things that help guide you during a time that seems out of your control. I've been using tarot cards which are fairly innocent, but don't let it guide you too much or give a sense of explanation for what happened. Take what you can from this experience.

Edited March 16, 2021 by Thunder27

[tyb]

5 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

I'm glad you got some sense of closure, but the sooner you let go of that hope of reconciliation the better. In this stage of the break up you're a hope junky looking for the next fix--it prevents you from falling into despair; but you're going to have to go through the despair if you want to heal. The way my relationship ended, she left a lot of hope of reconciliation due to circumstances. I've been grieving a 5 month relationship for 4 months now because i randomly convince myself she will come back. Its not happening, please don't keep thinking she will come back. Even though it feels good, you're not doing yourself any favours.

Also, don't get too caught up in astrology. Its easy to turn to things that help guide you during a time that seems out of your control. I've been using tarot cards which are fairly innocent, but don't let it guide you too much or give a sense of explanation for what happened. Take what you can from this experience.

Unfortunately the horoscopes pretty much describe what is happening on both ends. Not good.