My GF of 5 years moved out

[Thunder27]

Just now, tyb said:

Unfortunately the horoscopes pretty much describe what is happening on both ends. Not good.

I mean if it helps with eradicating the hope, then by all means believe it.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like that final talk went as well as it could have gone. Those talks are always difficult but you asked what you wanted to ask, and she said what she wanted to say. 

It's sad, but this is well and truly over for her. She knows this break-up is what she wants. Don't bother having her over to clean before the inspection; it will just leave you clinging onto hope for that date, when what you really need now is to let go. 

You'll get through this. 

[Marc878]

Living on hopium justs wastes time/life. Being in the friend zone which is where you are will just extend your stay in limbo.

Hopium addictions are strong so I doubt you’ll listen but zero contact is your best way forward. You could change and focus on your life. Which is where you need to concentrate.

She’s moved on you should too.

[tyb]

You’re right guys. Time to control my own destiny.

[trident_2020]

3 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

I mean if it helps with eradicating the hope, then by all means believe it.

I see what you did there.

A+

[tyb]

8 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

I mean if it helps with eradicating the hope, then by all means believe it.

It’s just too accurate tho! Lol I looked up signs other than mine, and they didn’t resonate with me at all. Yet I started looking at some of my friends and family’s signs and they were spot on. So weird.

 

As for her, it feels like I am letting go already and building up some resentment for what she did. Also that she gave up on our love when I was serious about changing and had been for a couple weeks. The changes weren’t big, and the “silent treatment” thing would be the hardest but I was committed, and she would’ve needed to be aware of her triggers too. She decided to take a leap of faith with this high status guy IMO. And if anyone is interested, he is an Aquarius. Not a good match for a cancer lol. Good thing it was before marriage and children, because I was planning on that. 
 

I’m admittedly not near 100% yet, but I’m beginning to see a path. Am I sick to want her to come crying back just to reject her? I feel like an idiot for swallowing my pride and apologizing, and showing my pain, making her feel as if she was victimized while I allowed her to continually lie to my face without calling her out. I can tell when she’s lying because it’s the only thing that she tries to expand on further, and it’s not even logical. She was trying to tell me what the texts I saw were, when she doesn’t know what texts I even saw. Ishould’ve just called her out on that bs. Cancers never want to hurt anybody, and I look back and realize she was trying to get me to break up with her all along. Oh well, would’ve felt good, but probably best to keep it inside for now 😉.

[Thunder27]

58 minutes ago, tyb said:

I’m admittedly not near 100% yet, but I’m beginning to see a path. Am I sick to want her to come crying back just to reject her? I feel like an idiot for swallowing my pride and apologizing, and showing my pain, making her feel as if she was victimized while I allowed her to continually lie to my face without calling her out.

lol I can almost feel the stage you're in right now. Honestly when I was really angry I kind of wanted to do this too; But don't if the opportunity arises -- it's just mean and you won't feel good about yourself after.  And you're right, better it happened now rather than later with a family.

 

[tyb]

1 hour ago, Thunder27 said:

lol I can almost feel the stage you're in right now. Honestly when I was really angry I kind of wanted to do this too; But don't if the opportunity arises -- it's just mean and you won't feel good about yourself after.  And you're right, better it happened now rather than later with a family.

 

Tbh, in my last relationship (extremely toxic 5 years), my ex had all sorts of substance issues, she did the same thing. 45 yr old dude at the bar. I’m actually happy for her, she works at Burger King and needs someone to take care of her. Still together btw. She rubbed it in my face right after breaking it off, posting hotel pics of her straddling him on facebook. She tried to contact me months after, and I asked her how those saggy b**** tasted, and for her golddigging a** to leave me alone. Not gonna lie that felt great. I was really young tho, and I wouldn’t put it like that this time around. But it would be nice to say that I don’t take cheaters back if she ever asked, and I don’t think I would regret it. The fact that she knew how my last relationship ended, and to do the same thing to me again, I would’ve never expected from her, and it was very traumatic and truly devastating to read those texts. I’m not going to do it while I’m still feeling all sorts of emotions, but I don’t think this inner anger will go away any time soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can understand why you are hurt and angry, OP. 

And yes it's normal to want someone to come back so you can reject them - that's a pretty human reaction to the pain you're in. If I'm being honest, I have almost never seen it play it out like that, though. More often, the person does not come back, or if they do, the dumpee winds up forgiving them and taking them back. And I have not seen too many couples survive reconciliation and thrive after a betrayal. Too much hurt, broken trust, resentment. 

Cut all contact with her now, at least for the foreseeable future. 

[JAKE022]

16 hours ago, tyb said:

Hey guys, she came over Sunday morning to get everything besides furniture. I was watching a movie on the couch. After a bit of packing, she came and sat down across from me to talk. We talked a bit about what we went through in the past month. She noticed I was thinner (lost 20lbs), I told her I had taken the breakup pretty hard for a couple weeks. She said she was eating everything in sight. She said it’s been hard for her too. She said it feels strange moving everything out, I asked her if that’s what she wanted. She paused, then nodded her head, yes.

She asked what my plans were for where I would live. Then I asked her. She said she was looking at apartments downtown where she lives (very close to where the guy lives). We talked about things we have been doing to help ourselves. She said working out, walks, friends, family. I told her I have been working out, and reading a lot about how to be more in touch with emotions, and understanding the dynamic between us and why we had arguments that hurt our relationship. Also how to prevent them from being painful, along with how to work through it. I asked her what it was that went wrong. Was it my drive? My lack of help around the house? The emotional connection? Someone else? The arguing? She said it wasn’t drive, or somebody else (likely a lie). She said the guy just made her see things she wasn’t getting and opened her eyes. I said to watch out for people who say things only to get what they want. She said, “I know, gotta watch out for those people”.  She said that the grind of everyday for the past year and a half had been draining her physically and emotionally, and it built up some resentment. She said she was afraid to communicate this to me because she thought I wouldn’t compromise. I told her I was willing to uproot my life to move closer to her work. She also said that she simply could no longer take anymore of the silent treatment I gave her when we argued.

I didn’t feel like I should push it anymore. She didn’t seem to have much emotion talking to me, except maybe when I was explaining me feelings for her briefly. She came over and we hugged for a minute straight. She finished packing and I helped her with the heavy boxes. She sat down once more and I told her, “so, this is it. Maybe the last time we see each other”. She said, “I wouldn’t say that, I can see us getting together for wings and beer to watch a game”. She also said she would be open to coming by next month to clean the apartment before inspections. We embraced for another minute, then she left. 

The next day she texted me thanking for helping me move, and that she appreciated that and our conversation.

For people who are into zodiac. She is a cancer and I am a Virgo. Been reading a bit on those and they are surprisingly accurate.

As for the other guy, he is 19 years older, and I don’t know if she could see her marrying that, but I know when people jump into another relationship after a long one, they try to speed things up to where they were in the past one. We shall see.

I was still pretty sad and emotional when she came. I’m probably going to take some time to myself now. I may not have gotten the answers I wanted, but did get the answers I needed. I do still love her deeply and believe that things can work out, knowing what I know now. Likely too little too late. They say cancers don’t usually come back, and once it’s over it’s over. I can see us still being friends, but it would take a lot to build that trust back, on both sides. Never say never, but her love is 100% all in. Someone is going to marry her. Hopefully she looks back on our connection with fondness.

Seems to be preety common for women to not talk about their issues and giving up on long term relationship, same happened to me and few other guys i was talking with here on LS, main difference is here this old dude appeared but you have to remember- there is always someone with more money than you, more handsome than you or more charismatic- no matter who you are, so if she doesnt care about voicing her feelings and let that guy flirt with her than im sorry but she is not worth your efforts, i know how you feel right now, its probably worse feeling than mine but im 1,5 month after break up ( if i consider last meeting as a break up) and it feels better, you will get there too, be patient and understand your feelings let that s*** hurt but not destroy you and you will be fine, you will find other great women in some time for sure 

[Negotaurus]

14 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

A couple of important points from that last meeting with her.

1- You come across as barely covering up your desperation and neediness with all those questions and she will see right through it. Any possible remaining attraction would be extinguished rather quickly if it was even there to begin with.

2- There's no point in asking her about another guy of course she'll lie about it, it's way too awkward and painful for her to admit it to you.

3- Astrology is bunk

4- Most importantly the silent treatment you gave her and her response to it- that passive aggressive behavior is childish, extremely destructive and nonproductive on so many levels. Just stop doing it.

5- Stop hoping for reconciliation.

 

Cut the guy some slack. It's okay to not be ice cold when your ex comes over. Her attraction towards him is irrelevant, what she thinks about him is irrelevant, quite frankly she's been very selfish and cruel. I hope the OP will stick to his guns and move on. He handled it very well, if he wants to ask questions, so what. Of course she will lie, but that's how he learns and that's also something that helps with closure. It's a process. Don't need to keep judging everything he does and bring up bullet points of how he "messed up". He's already down.  

OP, try to stay away from her. Don't talk to her, don't respond to her bs, this is the time to focus on yourself and patch up those wounds. She will do whatever the ef she wants. You take back YOUR control. 

Edited March 17, 2021 by Negotaurus

[Thunder27]

5 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

so if she doesnt care about voicing her feelings and let that guy flirt with her than im sorry but she is not worth your efforts

How do you even prevent this? Do you just have to be at your best constantly? Or just be really good at guessing if there is a problem?

[JAKE022]

18 minutes ago, Thunder27 said:

How do you even prevent this? Do you just have to be at your best constantly? Or just be really good at guessing if there is a problem?

From my point of view 1st of all in my case i should have “catch” all soft red flags she said between the lines, however she have only mentioned one thing like this and it was really subtle so it didn’t came out as an deal breaker for me, 2nd of all again in my case i think she expected me to be at my best all the time as she didnt seem to understand what problems i went through ( pendemic, limited social life, her working every weekend, my friend died in a car crash all of this had big influence on my well-being, by the way i should have tell her straight to the point how i felt but i didnt want her to take care of another problem in her life so i always said that im ok ) so i think people like this expect mix of both and with that approach it will be very hard for them to build very long relationships 

[Thunder27]

Just now, JAKE022 said:

From my point of view 1st of all in my case i should have “catch” all soft red flags she said between the lines, however she have only mentioned one thing like this and it was really subtle so it didn’t came out as an deal breaker for me, 2nd of all again in my case i think she expected me to be at my best all the time as she didnt seem to understand what problems i went through ( pendemic, limited social life, her working every weekend, my friend died in a car crash all of this had big influence on my well-being, by the way i should have tell her straight to the point how i felt but i didnt want her to take care of another problem in her life so i always said that im ok ) so i think people like this expect mix of both and with that approach it will be very hard for them to build very long relationships 

Something kind of similar happened to me although there were other factors (grief, financial) on her end, it was also a fresher relationship and LDR at the end. Don't want to derail the thread, but she held me to this crazy standard of perfection. I also went through some hard times, not as bad as yours, but it affected me. She also wanted everything her way, and got mad when I stood up for myself. I think its just immaturity, but it seems impossible to maintain a relationship with these people and just a waste of time.

[tart6245]

You won't be 100% for a while, and there is no need to rush yourself into that stage. You have to grieve your loss before you can fully move on. You may move from sadness to anger and to resentment. That's all normal. What's important now is you fully let go and cut all ties to her. Don't bother having her come help you clean when you move out. Don't look for excuses to contact her. You will always have your memories with her and she will always be a part of your life, but she walked out on you. She found something in someone that interested her more than you and made her think she deserved more than you could offer. Remember that. You weren't good enough in her eyes. 

Whether she comes back in the future is irrelevant because it will likely mean she is settling for you after playing the field and nothing worked out. Don't be her backup plan. 

[JAKE022]

4 hours ago, Thunder27 said:

Something kind of similar happened to me although there were other factors (grief, financial) on her end, it was also a fresher relationship and LDR at the end. Don't want to derail the thread, but she held me to this crazy standard of perfection. I also went through some hard times, not as bad as yours, but it affected me. She also wanted everything her way, and got mad when I stood up for myself. I think its just immaturity, but it seems impossible to maintain a relationship with these people and just a waste of time.

Right, sad part is that most of the time we cant do nothing about it, i have learned my lesson and if she comes back to me or i will have another relationship with someone than i will know how important is proper communication, i bet 1 mil$ that we would not break up if we talked about our issues properly, probably same with you and OP and few other guys i met here.

[tyb]

Ok, quick little update. Haven’t talked to you guys in a bit. A few nights after our meetup where I was obviously still weak, she texts me breadcrumbs. I ended up calling her and we talked for about 20 min. I was doing a lot better and was upbeat. Convo was filled with laughs. Did some mild flirting. Asked her to come by on the weekend, she said she had plans, I shrugged it off. Probably a dumb move looking back on it. Oh well, I wanted to show I wasn’t in my feels still.

 

Three days went by NC. She texts me more crumbs about the basketball game. I ignored. Three more days went by (yesterday). She sends more crumbs about the game. I texted her awesome game. She sent a clap emoji. I then asked her if she wanted to come by to watch the game on Sunday. She then wanted to remind me she was coming to get her furniture on Saturday. I didn’t even ask that, but I got the message. NO. The next morning I said, so I take it you’re out.
 

She said “Sorry. I just feel nervous about it. I always feel like i’m on the verge of crying when we are together. I’m just not sure if I am ready to hang out quite yet. I don’t want you to miss out on other plans.” 
 

So I’m like screw this, I’m done pursuing. I sent her this.

”Ok, no problem babe, but I’m not interested in being friends or just your text buddy. I wanna spend time with you. How am I gonna be friends with you when I still want you and desire you while also trying to meet the next love of my life? Only get ahold of me if you change your mind, have a good week. Gotta run”

I’m never going to contact her first again. I’m not looking back. I’m turning my focus on trying to become a better man. I already set up a date this weekend with someone else. I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment, just trying to have fun. I’d rather go out with someone that values being around me and appreciates my time than someone who blew me off.

 

It still hurts when I think about the times we had together, but I’ve been doing a lot of reading about relationships and how to be a better man. I really had no idea when it came to a lot of the relationship stuff, and I have grown a lot from it mentally. It hurts reading about where I made mistakes, but I had the wrong mindset about what a relationship was, and how women think. What I do know is her insecurities became so overwhelming that it just pissed me off very often. That is something that I don’t believe I can deal with going forward in future relationships. Everything else was great, but that is a dealbreaker.

[trident_2020]

Geez dude stop freaking asking her out and telling you how you feel about her.

Any interest she might have is extinguished when you pull that crap.

It's gotta come from HER.

 

[tyb]

13 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Geez dude stop freaking asking her out and telling you how you feel about her.

Any interest she might have is extinguished when you pull that crap.

It's gotta come from HER.

 

You’re absolutely right, dumb move. But at least now she knows to not text me anymore unless she wants to see me, and I can move on.

[trident_2020]

She doesn't know that at all. If she wants to text or call that's what she's going to do.

You can't stop her unless you block her, and she can't make you jump like a puppet on her strings if you refuse to go there.

 

[tyb]

8 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

She doesn't know that at all. If she wants to text or call that's what she's going to do.

You can't stop her unless you block her, and she can't make you jump like a puppet on her strings if you refuse to go there.

 

She replied “I understand”.

 

I doubt I’ll hear from her. If I do, I’m not jumping.

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, tyb said:

You’re absolutely right, dumb move. But at least now she knows to not text me anymore unless she wants to see me, and I can move on.

I don't think that sending that message was dumb at all.  You very effectively set some boundaries using language she's likely to understand. 

And good on you for deciding that insecurities are a deal breaker.  The only caveat I would give before breaking up over insecurities, is to first make sure that your own behaviour isn't confusing and causing the insecurities.   But if you're solid and avoiding giving mixed message/wishy washy attitude, then moving on is a good idea.

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

You’re absolutely right, dumb move. But at least now she knows to not text me anymore unless she wants to see me, and I can move on.

 Nope, she’ll send breadcrumbs because you’ve bitten before. Words vs action.

You wanna move on block her after she gets her stuff. The reason she’s telling you no is because she doesn’t want to cheat on her new man. Wake up.

[tyb]

14 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

 Nope, she’ll send breadcrumbs because you’ve bitten before. Words vs action.

You wanna move on block her after she gets her stuff. The reason she’s telling you no is because she doesn’t want to cheat on her new man. Wake up.

If she did already have a new man, then she cheated on him twice after we broke up. I mean, what do you expect from someone who cheated on her man to date you.

[Marc878]

2 minutes ago, tyb said:

If she did already have a new man, then she cheated on him twice after we broke up. I mean, what do you expect from someone who cheated on her man to date you.

Exactly. Why would you want that back?