Author tyb Posted March 24, 2021 Author Share Posted March 24, 2021 1 hour ago, basil67 said: I don't think that sending that message was dumb at all. You very effectively set some boundaries using language she's likely to understand. And good on you for deciding that insecurities are a deal breaker. The only caveat I would give before breaking up over insecurities, is to first make sure that your own behaviour isn't confusing and causing the insecurities. But if you're solid and avoiding giving mixed message/wishy washy attitude, then moving on is a good idea. I will admit I have made mistakes. I got complacent. Relationships are about giving. She didn’t have ways of making herself happy when she was alone. She doubted herself a lot, which stems from childhood. I told her often how she was gorgeous when she didn’t believe she was, or how talented she was when she doubted herself. Constant reassurance always was needed. She made no progress in helping herself. It took a toll on me dealing with it, especially because I wasn’t happy with myself. My affection started to drop off, not completely, but I fell into routine and things were getting stale. We weren’t going out and having fun like before the lockdown. I began looking to her to make myself feel better, but I needed to be the rock. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 24, 2021 Author Share Posted March 24, 2021 7 minutes ago, Marc878 said: Exactly. Why would you want that back? I don’t even know that I do. Not sure I could ever see another serious relationship with her. If she were to try to pursue that with me, there would have to be an honest conversation about exactly what the hell happened. I don’t believe her when she says nothing happened or that she ended that before anything could happen. I mishandled keeping her attraction level up, and she mishandled the breakup with betrayal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 1 hour ago, tyb said: She made no progress in helping herself. It took a toll on me dealing with it, especially because I wasn’t happy with myself. My affection started to drop off, not completely, but I fell into routine and things were getting stale. We weren’t going out and having fun like before the lockdown. I began looking to her to make myself feel better, but I needed to be the rock. Yes, you needed to hold up your end of the deal in terms of making an effort, but you shouldn't have to be the rock which anchors her instability. It's up to her to work on her own issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 Keep things strictly business when it comes to her collecting her things. Sending maudlin emotional texts won't get her back and will only make you feel worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 24, 2021 Author Share Posted March 24, 2021 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Keep things strictly business when it comes to her collecting her things. Sending maudlin emotional texts won't get her back and will only make you feel worse. I think you’re right. Part of me kind of regrets it. I don’t want her to think that I don’t think she cheated. I think I just need to forget about it, and at least give it more time. I felt like I was in a better place yesterday, but I’m still not back to normal. A week ago, I felt like I needed to show her that I wasn’t in the dumps anymore, so I called her. Then I wait till she contacted me, ignored, then again ask her to hang out, rejected. So I tell her not to contact me, probably not a good idea either lol. I feel like I need to go nc for awhile. Now I’m just wondering what her response would be if I asked her why she feels on the verge of crying around me. Is it guilt? Is it because she feels hurt? Is it because I still want her, but she doesn’t? Does she feel guilt over the emotional cheating? I’m all over the place. I’m just gonna let it go for a while, I just screw up when I make decisions in this state. I’m not gonna be there when she comes to get her furniture. Link to post Share on other sites
tart6245 Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 You need to let her go. This constant talking or responding to her is only going to keep you on her strings. She only wants to talk to you because it's easier for her to let go than it is to go cold turkey and stop all contact immediately. It's like giving up any sort of vice. You have withdrawals and even one response out of you satisfies her. It's unlikely you will ever be friends, and why would you want that? She cheated on you. And you're continuing to allow her to exist in your life and helping her feel better about herself because you still feel she is worth responding to. She's in total control here even after what she did. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 You need to stop all communication with her for a good, long while. You're no closer to any sort of emotional resolution than you were a couple weeks ago (which is normal), so I think you need to realize that you're just spinning your wheels here and not getting the clarity or answers you were seeking from her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tart6245 Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You need to stop all communication with her for a good, long while. You're no closer to any sort of emotional resolution than you were a couple weeks ago (which is normal), so I think you need to realize that you're just spinning your wheels here and not getting the clarity or answers you were seeking from her. He got answers from her. She told him the other guy opened her eyes to things she wanted that he wasn't giving her. The fact she cheated either emotionally or physically with him should be enough for him to want nothing to do with her. She doesn't want him back. She just wants to be able to get her fix of him while she tries to let go. He's making no progress towards healing because he keeps indulging her and giving her what she wants. He's not going to get over this in a couple of weeks. They were together 5 years. It will probably be 6 months minimum before he's emotionally ready to actually devote himself to someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 3 hours ago, tart6245 said: He got answers from her. I meant the answers he was hoping to hear. He has to realize he's not going to get those. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 26, 2021 Author Share Posted March 26, 2021 After she gets her stuff out, part of me just wants to tell her how f’n dumb I must be to ask her to come back after she cheated on me and doesn’t even care or show any regret at all. maybe I can get my balls back once I get that off my chest Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 Nope, contact will just prolong this. You still don’t get it. She’s moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 1 minute ago, tyb said: After she gets her stuff out, part of me just wants to tell her how f’n dumb I must be to ask her to come back after she cheated on me and doesn’t even care or show any regret at all. maybe I can get my balls back once I get that off my chest It's just words and she's past caring. It won't help you get your balls back. Leaving her stuff on the porch and not opening the door when she comes would help more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 26, 2021 Author Share Posted March 26, 2021 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: It's just words and she's past caring. It won't help you get your balls back. Leaving her stuff on the porch and not opening the door when she comes would help more. Probably not a good idea, I live in an apartment building, I leave for work early, I don’t know what time she is coming for sure, but she said early Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 Then keep talk very neutral. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 26, 2021 Author Share Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) Turns out she isn’t getting her stuff until around 2. I might actually run into them if they don’t move quick. Usually get off around 3. Wonder if her dad knows about her new boyfriend... (kidding) Edited March 26, 2021 by tyb Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) @tyb I hope you're actually kidding. If you want to lose your remaining balls, snitching on her to her dad is the way to go. And for what it's worth, when my sister left her ex for someone else, we all knew about him. Had her ex said something to us about it, we would have said that the new guy could only be an improvement. And we would have meant it. Blood is thicker than water. Edited March 26, 2021 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 42 minutes ago, tyb said: Turns out she isn’t getting her stuff until around 2. I might actually run into them if they don’t move quick. Usually get off around 3. So make yourself scace until later in the day when you can be sure she's finished. Easy solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 27, 2021 Author Share Posted March 27, 2021 Yea I told her to text me when she’s done and leave the key in the grill. im so angry today. She blew me off for a coworker after 2 weeks of seduction. She tried to hide it, but I found out. That pretty much guarantees that I can never trust her again, more so because of where she works. Her backup plan blew up. She’ll be back, but I won’t be. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 Interesting that after all this you still expect her to come back to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 4 hours ago, tyb said: im so angry today. She blew me off for a coworker after 2 weeks of seduction. She tried to hide it, but I found out. That pretty much guarantees that I can never trust her again, more so because of where she works. Her backup plan blew up. She’ll be back, but I won’t be. What are you basing this on? She wasn't happy in your relationship anymore. She is moving everything out. I think you need to get real with yourself that this is completely over and she isn't coming back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tyb Posted March 27, 2021 Author Share Posted March 27, 2021 I think she will realize she made a mistake. She didn’t take time to work on herself and her issues. She doesn’t love herself. What happens when the honeymoon phase with this guy wears off? I doubt he actually wants to settle down with her. It’s a rebound. A mature person takes time after something long term. We have an effortless connection, and many more good times than bad. I’m not saying I will be willing to go back. But I feel like she will come to realize the grass isn’t greener. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 You have more important issues than her. That’s what you should be working on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 36 minutes ago, tyb said: I think she will realize she made a mistake. She didn’t take time to work on herself and her issues. She doesn’t love herself. What happens when the honeymoon phase with this guy wears off? I doubt he actually wants to settle down with her. It’s a rebound. A mature person takes time after something long term. We have an effortless connection, and many more good times than bad. I’m not saying I will be willing to go back. But I feel like she will come to realize the grass isn’t greener. Wishful thinking I am afraid. If your "connection" was so good then she would still be with you. It seems to me that dumpers never or rarely ever really regret leaving. The only ones that sometimes do are the impulse leavers who stomp out in the middle of an argument, but even they may not regret anything as leaving is a big deal and very very few will take the huge step to leave for no good reason. Often it is the last straw... Time for you to grieve, heal and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 1 hour ago, tyb said: We have an effortless connection, and many more good times than bad. I’m not saying I will be willing to go back. But I feel like she will come to realize the grass isn’t greener. She doesn't feel the same way as you do. You need to start separating your feelings from those that you are projecting on to her. She's the one who left. If there was such a strong effortless bond you wouldn't have had to start this thread. When and if the honeymoon period is over with new guy she'll most likely move on to someone else. Waiting around for her to come back is not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
JAKE022 Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, tyb said: I think she will realize she made a mistake. She didn’t take time to work on herself and her issues. She doesn’t love herself. What happens when the honeymoon phase with this guy wears off? I doubt he actually wants to settle down with her. It’s a rebound. A mature person takes time after something long term. We have an effortless connection, and many more good times than bad. I’m not saying I will be willing to go back. But I feel like she will come to realize the grass isn’t greener. The only way to make it happen is to become best version of yourself, and hard no contact with her, than she might regret it in future, work on yourself and do not care what she is thinking/doing , i know it is almost impossible at this point but you will get there in some time if you follow NC rule, you will move on and her eventually regretting break up would be just a byproduct of that process , at this time you will probably realize that you dont want her back Edited March 27, 2021 by JAKE022 Link to post Share on other sites
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