My GF of 5 years moved out

[Alpacalia]

You referenced earlier that you're going no contact. Try to stick to it.

[tyb]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

You referenced earlier that you're going no contact. Try to stick to it.

I did. But I have more thoughts. I probably won’t, but it would feel good.

[Marc878]

20 minutes ago, tyb said:

What are your thoughts on closure for yourself? I have this urge to tell her how I feel, like I need to get it off my chest.

“Bottom line is, you cheated on me. You threw away 5 years for a facade that you built inside your own head. 5 years with a partner who was committed to you through anything. Your own insecurities caused this. ”

I want to say this to her.

Closure can only come from within.

She knows what she’s done. You don’t have to tell her. Besides you’ll just get more lies. That is part of who she is. Why waste more time on this?

Read back over your post and learn from it. No contact should be your primary goal. You’ve kept yourself in this long enough. 
 

Only by letting her go will you free yourself.

 

[Marc878]

To make good use of your time I’d get some boxes and purge all her stuff. You don’t want her coming back multiple times. Get it all out at once.

[tyb]

Thanks for the advice guys. You are right. Her new relationship likely will not last. She will regret it in time. I’m actually sad for her. Her mother’s side of the family would be shocked to find out, but she suddenly cut them out of her life. She gave it all up on a whim. Guys like that only attract younger immature women for a reason.

[Marc878]

Understand this. He’s only taking what she’s willingly giving.

You are way above her. Stay there.

Edited March 3, 2021 by Marc878

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, tyb said:

What are your thoughts on closure for yourself? I have this urge to tell her how I feel, like I need to get it off my chest.

“Bottom line is, you cheated on me. You threw away 5 years for a facade that you built inside your own head. 5 years with a partner who was committed to you through anything. Your own insecurities caused this. ”

I want to say this to her.

It won't make any difference.

You also don't know if she's going to attempt a relationship with this person, either. And even if she does and it fails, there's nothing to say she will then regret breaking up with you. She might not, simply because sometimes we recognize that relationships need to end, regardless of what happens afterwards with anyone else. I would not assume that just because things might not pan out with him that she will want to reconcile with you. 

She was already checked out and disconnected enough to entertain the idea of another man. That's' the underlying problem. Not the man himself. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, tyb said:

 She will regret it in time. I’m actually sad for her. Her mother’s side of the family would be shocked to find out, but she suddenly cut them out of her life. She gave it all up on a whim. 

No, it was far from a whim.  She gave up because the changes you made were too late.  She undoubtedly cares for you, but not in a romantic sense.

When I left my ex-h, I was in exactly the same situation as your ex, complete with me having had a couple of flings on the side.   After a few years of my being miserable with his lack of effort, he finally realised that I was really serious about my unhappiness and initiated changes, but it was too late.  I didn't trust him to stay changed, my love was gone and I just didn't care anymore.   Like you, he knew about the flings and wanted to work through it but I was unwilling to do so...and it would have been wrong of me to try. 

I left, but not into the arms of another man.  Yes, my family were shocked, but they got over it.  As it turns out,  I did meet a really excellent guy not that long after and we've been together now for nearly 30 years now.  My family love him.   I have not regretted leaving for even a nano second.  

When it's done, it's done.   When you're ready, you'll have a fresh start with someone else.  You'll have learned heaps, you'll create new memories and probably never take a woman for granted again.   You will be OK. 

[Marc878]

Don’t be naive here bud.

She fell for a rich prosecutor she worked with. She was neck deep in her affair long before she dumped you. He groomed, played, wined and dined her at work after his divorce and she made the choice/decision to jump.

It wasn’t your fault at all. She just saw an opportunity to trade up. Happens all the time.

She’s a very typical lying cheater. Dime a dozen. 

Her emails you found proved that. Think back.

This is part of who she is. Why in hell would you want someone like that back?

[Marc878]

The reason I know so much about blameshifting  is my sister was a wayward.

Her x husband was an average Joe. Not perfect but didn’t drink, was home every night, had a good  job, etc. My sister was an avid church goer, taught Sunday school, etc.

She worked at a bank. The new bank president started hitting on her, telling her how beautiful she was, etc. She ended up having an affair with him. She thought she was riding high.

All of a sudden her husband was a POS. He left the commode seat up 2 years ago in February, forgot to put his dishes in the sink, etc. 

Husband found out about her affair and filed for divorce that week. He wasn’t a doormat like some men are. The bank president dumped her immediately. He was just wanting a cheap piece of ass. Plus her x was a big bruiser of a guy.

So she blew up he family, marriage and ended up in a 2 bedroom apartment. Kids suffered. She never once said sorry. Her wayward mentality is still there today. 

Her x died last year. Still says she did the right thing. 🤪

Be very glad this happened now versus later. 

Edited March 3, 2021 by Marc878

[Blind-Sided]

On 3/1/2021 at 8:28 PM, tyb said:

Btw, he’s recently divorced and likes em young. What do you know. 

So?  What's that have to do with morality of the situation? it takes 2 to cheat. Your GF was a willing participant. 

On 3/1/2021 at 9:00 PM, tyb said:

I feel Iike I need to hear her pay for it.

NO... she doesn't.  The relationship is over.  Your comments are borderline "Stalker" like.  She's a cheater, and that's all you need to know. 

On 3/1/2021 at 9:09 PM, Marc878 said:

Typical cheaters lie, hide and deny. She’s put this all on him to justify her unjustifiable actions.  This scenario plays out all the time and it’s not gender specific.
 

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Yep.  I went through this.  the exW blamed me for stuff going back 20 years from when we were dating. She offered no way to fix things... and she just got mad when I would try to do what she asked.  She then tried to hang an abuse tag on me... and destroy me legally. When I asked why she never brought this up in all those years... She even blamed me that she felt like she "Could never talk to me." (what a load of cr@p) 

OP... @Marc878 said the same things to me 2 years ago, and I just couldn't believe it.  The person I spent 20 years with was a wholesome and honest person.  But, shortly after she moved out... I found out that she had a "Friend".  This "Friend" was her high school sweetheart. So the reality was... How long had that affair been going on?  But once I knew the truth... it made it real easy to put all the parts together, and know that everything she blamed me for was just one more LIE to take blame off herself.   AND... it made it real easy to not care any longer. (and made it very easy to move on)   I'm sure she will chime in, and defend herself... but it just doesn't matter any more. 

Anyway... let go, and know the truth that she is a cheater, and liar, and nothing you did drove her into that position.  An honest person would break up because they are not happy... take some time to reflect... and then maybe get into a new relationship. 

Edited March 3, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Marc878]

It’s your x girlfriends right/privilege to dump you for the rich guy if that’s what shes chosen. You aren’t married to her. 
 

However, blaming you for it was BS. She has no character or integrity so you are better off without her.

[tyb]

Guys, I have a lot of pain, anger, bitterness in my heart right now. I feel a ball to f nervous energy in my gut when I think about it. I struggle to grasp it. How can I be at peace with myself. How long will this last? I try not to think about it. When I do I get that nervous and anxious feeling again. I’m barely eating. I see her in my dreams. How do I internalize this and get through?

[Alpacalia]

Isn't it just a couple of weeks after the relationship ended?

Give yourself time to recover from your breakup. Do you have any friends or family members with whom you can share your thoughts?

[Marc878]

16 minutes ago, tyb said:

Guys, I have a lot of pain, anger, bitterness in my heart right now. I feel a ball to f nervous energy in my gut when I think about it. I struggle to grasp it. How can I be at peace with myself. How long will this last? I try not to think about it. When I do I get that nervous and anxious feeling again. I’m barely eating. I see her in my dreams. How do I internalize this and get through?

Exercise, taking long walks will help too.

Easy on the alcohol. It’s a depressant.

NO CONTACT is imperative. 

Edited March 3, 2021 by Marc878

[tyb]

18 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Exercise, taking long walks will help too.

Easy on the alcohol. It’s a depressant.

NO CONTACT is imperative. 

I work part time. I am only guaranteed 2 days a week, but an on call. I am next in line for full time carrier. It could be any day. I unfollowed her on SM and archived our pictures.
 

I’m going to the gym everyday. I feel better when doing that. I also find listening to music helps some. I’m adjusting to living on my own right now. I’m an avid sports fan, but watching isn’t fulfilling right now. I play video games sometimes, but I don’t have people to play with so I don’t have interest. I feel like I don’t have interest in finding a new hobby. I can’t really meet new people outside of the gym because of Covid. I have been reading a lot, that also helps, but it can remind me of my relationship because I apply it to my ex. I try to talk to a few different friends and family during the day. I feel like I have already told them the whole story, and further talking about it brings back that nervous adrenaline. I try to make plans with them, but everyone has their own lives.

Should I have guilt in my heart when I try to rationalize this? I do feel I left things on the table, but I also feel betrayed. I don’t know if it is healthy to think like that. Marc has told me she is a liar and a cheater. Is that how I should remember her? I still have feelings of love toward her, but I can’t see it ever working again. Do I look back and view it as a waste? Did I misjudge from the beginning? Did I choose the wrong person? Will/should I look back with anger towards her? I don’t know how I should feel. I feel like I am just trying to not think about it. Is that the way?

Edited March 3, 2021 by tyb

[Thunder27]

Just now, tyb said:

Do I look back and view it as a waste? Did I misjudge from the beginning? Did I choose the wrong person? Will/should I look back with anger towards her? I don’t know how I should feel. I feel like I am just trying to not think about it. Is that the way?

I can only understand how you feel to an extent, and its completely reasonable to feel betrayed--you were. I wouldn't look at it as a waste if you enjoyed the years you spent with her. This may be bad advice, but for me personally holding onto the anger prevents me from just missing her. When that happens I end up blaming myself; I get really depressed and low self confidence, and usually just lay in bed. Take from that if you like. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, tyb said:

Should I have guilt in my heart when I try to rationalize this? I do feel I left things on the table, but I also feel betrayed. I don’t know if it is healthy to think like that. 

The feelings you experience after a painful breakup are some of the most intense you'll ever feel. It's good (and healthy) that you're working through them.

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, tyb said:

I work part time. I am only guaranteed 2 days a week, but an on call. I am next in line for full time carrier. It could be any day. I unfollowed her on SM and archived our pictures.

Good move. Get rid of the reminders 

I’m going to the gym everyday. I feel better when doing that. I also find listening to music helps some. I’m adjusting to living on my own right now. I’m an avid sports fan, but watching isn’t fulfilling right now. I play video games sometimes, but I don’t have people to play with so I don’t have interest. I feel like I don’t have interest in finding a new hobby. I can’t really meet new people outside of the gym because of Covid. I have been reading a lot, that also helps, but it can remind me of my relationship because I apply it to my ex. I try to talk to a few different friends and family during the day. I feel like I have already told them the whole story, and further talking about it brings back that nervous adrenaline. I try to make plans with them, but everyone has their own lives.

Learn to cook, take some classes, everyone has some interests they never had time for. Now you do.  Maybe a part time job until you get full time.

Should I have guilt in my heart when I try to rationalize this? I do feel I left things on the table, but I also feel betrayed. I don’t know if it is healthy to think like that. Marc has told me she is a liar and a cheater. Is that how I should remember her? I still have feelings of love toward her, but I can’t see it ever working again. Do I look back and view it as a waste? Did I misjudge from the beginning? Did I choose the wrong person? Will/should I look back with anger towards her? I don’t know how I should feel. I feel like I am just trying to not think about it. Is that the way?

Your heart hasn’t caught up to your head yet. Loving feelings don’t go away overnight.

Life is an adventure. You learn as you go. It sounds like your x went for the money. Like my wayward sister tried.
 

She wasn’t married to you and it’s her choice but blaming you for it was BS.
 

You seem to want it to be your fault. Why?  Because you have her way up on a pedestal?  Your fantasy that she was perfect is BS. All she had to do was walk away. Nope. She has a problem. That will resurface again. 

This thread is mostly full of good info and examples. No one can make you read or apply them. 

No contact and time is your only answer. You will be fine. 

[Marc878]

You are 31. You aren’t a teenager. Use this experience to grow. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, tyb said:

Should I have guilt in my heart when I try to rationalize this? I do feel I left things on the table, but I also feel betrayed. I don’t know if it is healthy to think like that. Marc has told me she is a liar and a cheater. Is that how I should remember her? I still have feelings of love toward her, but I can’t see it ever working again. Do I look back and view it as a waste? Did I misjudge from the beginning? Did I choose the wrong person? Will/should I look back with anger towards her? I don’t know how I should feel. I feel like I am just trying to not think about it. Is that the way?

There is no "should" when it comes to feelings. What you feel is what you feel; try not to judge those feelings as "right" or "wrong."

And the truth is that it's way too early to predict how you will someday look back on all of this, on her, on your relationship. Don't worry about how to perceive those things. Time will help you see everything more clearly and less emotionally. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, tyb said:

Should I have guilt in my heart when I try to rationalize this?

I would suggest you look at it honestly: you both let the team down.  You have been honest about not having been a thoughtful and engaged partner for much of the relationship.  She's been caught with something going on with another guy.   So many relationships end with both people being at fault and this is one of them.  

It will take time to get through the grief.  I've read that heartbreak affects the brain in the same way which physical pain does, so this is why it hurts to much.  Hang in there - it will get better.  

[tyb]

Hasnt been long since we last spoke. I talked to a therapist last night that my mom works with. Have to admit that it didn’t help much. You guys have offered better advice than her. Today I feel really down. I miss her badly. I dreamt about her non stop last night. I dreamt that we got back together. When I woke up I was disappointed. I think about all the things I didn’t do for her. I’ve been reading a lot, and learning things about both of us. It feels like I will never love anyone like I do her, and constant regret.

[tyb]

I feel like my last conversation with her where I called her out, and then told her I’d still take her back, set my clock back to zero and ruined my chances of reconciliation.

[Marc878]

14 minutes ago, tyb said:

I feel like my last conversation with her where I called her out, and then told her I’d still take her back, set my clock back to zero and ruined my chances of reconciliation.

You set your clock back but you had zero chance of reconciling. She’s traded up for a rich guy. You’re 31 and have a part time job.
 

You’d be better off spending your time on fixing yourself that than wasting time on a lost girlfriend.