My GF of 5 years moved out

[Marc878]

40 minutes ago, tyb said:

I think about all the things I didn’t do for her. I’ve been reading a lot, and learning things about both of us. It feels like I will never love anyone like I do her, and constant regret.

Seems like in order to keep her high up on the pedestal you put her on you need this to be all 100% your fault. You want to keep beating that dead horse go ahead. 
 

Your fantasy of her being the most perfect irreplaceable woman ever is more important that dealing with reality. You’ll wallow in your self made pity party as a Long as YOU allow yourself to. 
 

You need to wake up.

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

Hasnt been long since we last spoke. I talked to a therapist last night that my mom works with. Have to admit that it didn’t help much. You guys have offered better advice than her. Today I feel really down. I miss her badly. I dreamt about her non stop last night. I dreamt that we got back together. When I woke up I was disappointed. I think about all the things I didn’t do for her. I’ve been reading a lot, and learning things about both of us. It feels like I will never love anyone like I do her, and constant regret.

You didn't cause her to cheat on you. Remember that. There is nothing to excuse her behavior towards the end of the relationship. Right now you are blaming yourself for everything and that's normal. We all go through that period. At some point, you will recognize that she had her faults too that contributed to the end of what you had. What's important is you work through all of this and resist trying to beg or set yourself back while you're weak. 

[tyb]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

You set your clock back but you had zero chance of reconciling. She’s traded up for a rich guy. You’re 31 and have a part time job.
 

You’d be better off spending your time on fixing yourself that than wasting time on a lost girlfriend.

That stings Marc 😔

[tyb]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

Seems like in order to keep her high up on the pedestal you put her on you need this to be all 100% your fault. You want to keep beating that dead horse go ahead. 
 

Your fantasy of her being the most perfect irreplaceable woman ever is more important that dealing with reality. You’ll wallow in your self made pity party as a Long as YOU allow yourself to. 
 

You need to wake up.

I’m trying not to beat myself up. She was just so good to me. To the point where she didn’t do anything that she wanted to do. She did everything for me, even tho I never asked. 
 

Kills me that she went for a 46 year old guy with 3 kids fresh off divorce and a new position of power. How can I compete with that? Does she think there is a future there? Does she not see through the sweet talk?

 

Just feel like she was seriously on the fence and made the wrong choice. I’m really disappointed in her.

 

I’ve always had an obsessive trait when something is on my mind. I’m finding out now that it’s a gift and a curse.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, tyb said:

Kills me that she went for a 46 year old guy with 3 kids fresh off divorce and a new position of power. How can I compete with that? Does she think there is a future there? Does she not see through the sweet talk?

Try not to give in to the compare game.

Keep the focus on yourself and your healing and find your own North Star.

[Marc878]

48 minutes ago, tyb said:

That stings Marc 😔

Yes but it’s where you’re at. The good thing is you’re young and have the opportunity to change that. Stop wasting time set up some goals and start moving ahead. I was in the same boat. If I can do it so can you.

[Marc878]

46 minutes ago, tyb said:

I’m trying not to beat myself up. She was just so good to me. To the point where she didn’t do anything that she wanted to do. She did everything for me, even tho I never asked. 
 

Kills me that she went for a 46 year old guy with 3 kids fresh off divorce and a new position of power. How can I compete with that? Does she think there is a future there? Does she not see through the sweet talk?

 

Just feel like she was seriously on the fence and made the wrong choice. I’m really disappointed in her.

 

I’ve always had an obsessive trait when something is on my mind. I’m finding out now that it’s a gift and a curse.

She’s done the comparison and made the decision that she thought was best for her. To be honest she’s been with you 5 years and what’s she seen? 
 

Again. You need to work on you rather than waste time on her.  Right now you have yourself in limbo. You are the only one that can stop that. Learn, move forward or let life take you where it wants.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, tyb said:

Kills me that she went for a 46 year old guy with 3 kids fresh off divorce and a new position of power. How can I compete with that? Does she think there is a future there? Does she not see through the sweet talk?

You're focusing way too much on this man, OP.

She might have some fun with him, sure, but there is nothing to suggest she would want something long-term with him either. She wasn't happy in your relationship. This guy just represents a symptom of the deep cracks that had already formed between you. Whether or not they actually have a successful relationship doesn't change anything for you. 

It's also not a positive thing that she did everything for you and nothing for herself during your years together. That suggests an unhealthy imbalance and a woman who lost herself in a relationship. It's not sustainable long-term. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Use this as a kick in the seat of your pants, tyb! Plenty of us have done it! You are young and there's time to get more education or whatever goals you want to set for yourself.

I had a friend go back to school at your age to become a dentist. I think he had to retake some college course to get into dental school. Not suggesting you become a dentist but figure out what you want long term and go for it!

[tyb]

Thanks guys. It’s just so frustrating that I realize now we were in a dependent relationship. She was the codependent. If I had known the characteristics of the dynamic, we could have worked on it and probably grew. Unfortunately it’s probably too late. Would like to share with her this discovery, but I have a feeling that NC is still the solution.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

Thanks guys. It’s just so frustrating that I realize now we were in a dependent relationship. She was the codependent. If I had known the characteristics of the dynamic, we could have worked on it and probably grew. 

Assuming that this is correct: If she wanted to. You can't fix everything/ control every outcome. Understandably, you want to. We all do. But it's quite conceivable she could have decided she didn't want to be in a relationship and, instead, wanted to work on this issue while single.

[tyb]

We were very good friends. We loved to talk. Hard to find that. What kills me at this point is her lying and cheating. She had no remorse for it after I caught her in the lie. She then brought up me looking at girls on Instagram to justify it. Just tell me the truth so I’m not beating myself up forever. Smh. I’m gonna have to see her sometime next month to sort out the apt. Don’t know how that’s gonna go.

[tyb]

I’ve been reading the 5 love languages. Have absorbed a bunch of insight on our relationship. Also told a colors personality test. I have a better idea of how people see myself. Definitely sticking to NC until she comes to get clothes and stuff which will be on 3/14. Then she will come back on 3/28 with help to get her bed. My question is how do I handle this situation? Should I try to avoid her next Sunday? I am doing my best to get over it, I still want her back. It seems clear that she wants to be friends, and I was the one to tell her I need space. Do I just mirror her when we meet? Do I act friendly? What do you think? It will be 12 days NC on 3/14.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, tyb said:

My question is how do I handle this situation? Should I try to avoid her next Sunday? I am doing my best to get over it, I still want her back. It seems clear that she wants to be friends, and I was the one to tell her I need space. Do I just mirror her when we meet? Do I act friendly? What do you think? It will be 12 days NC on 3/14.

I think it will be best to ask someone else to be there when she comes, so you don't have to be. 

Seeing her is going to be too painful for you for a while. 

 

[tyb]

34 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it will be best to ask someone else to be there when she comes, so you don't have to be. 

Seeing her is going to be too painful for you for a while. 

 

Yea you’re probably right. Part of me wants to see her, and I think she wants to see more too, but I think it might be better on the 28th.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, tyb said:

Yea you’re probably right. Part of me wants to see her, and I think she wants to see more too, but I think it might be better on the 28th.

Don't place so much importance on these dates. They're arbitrary numbers on a calendar. 

You will need however long you need. If you don't feel great by the 28th, someone else can deal with the handoff of her belongings. It's going to hurt you like hell when she gets everything packed up and gives you a hug goodbye and turns around to leave. 

[Acacia98]

16 hours ago, tyb said:

We were very good friends. We loved to talk. Hard to find that. What kills me at this point is her lying and cheating. She had no remorse for it after I caught her in the lie. 

I hear you. I guess she wasn't that great a friend in this particular sense.

I agree with everyone who says if you're not ready to meet on the 28th, you can have someone else do it for you instead. Remember, you're not the one who asked for the break-up. So you're under no obligation to suppress your emotions and become friends on her timetable (or ever, for that matter). Be kind to yourself.

Edited March 6, 2021 by Acacia98

[tyb]

It just kills me guys. I feel like seeing her could help, but I know you say it won’t. I know she misses me. She wants to see me. I can’t help but feel like talking to each other may be a step in the right direction. Perhaps she would talk about the relationship? Idk. Just feel like she may forget about me.

[Marc878]

Her actions tell what? It doesn’t matter what you think or feel.

A lot of women think long term. She’s 27. At some point they look for security, etc. 

[tyb]

3 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Her actions tell what? It doesn’t matter what you think or feel.

A lot of women think long term. She’s 27. At some point they look for security, etc. 

but that’s not a sure thing. I can’t help but feel like I haven’t done all I could.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, tyb said:

 I know she misses me. She wants to see me. 

What you're not grapsing is that there is a difference between missing someone as your best friend and constant companion - and missing the relationship. You miss each other in different ways, in other words. 

And she won't forget about you. She (and you) will likely eventually do what most exes do, which is learn to live without each other but forge new paths ahead. I have had a few serious relationships in my adult life, and I have never forgotten about any of my exes. I can look back on fond times with them, but I don't have any desire to rekindle a relationship with them, either. They aren't in the forefront of my mind and haven't been for many years. It sucks in the moment, but it's part of life. Not everyone sticks around forever but that doesn't mean that person will fade from your memory completely. You just slowly realize you've assigned different feelings to those memories. 

I can recall plenty of special moments and fun times with those ex-boyfriends, but I don't miss the relaitonships I had with them. I took the good memoreis forward but recognize that there were important reasons why it didn't work out, too. I don't have any animosity towards them; I simply feel totally neutral about them at this point and we have all long since moved on. 

 

[tyb]

We’ll see how i feel in a week if I’m ready to see her when she comes to get more clothes.

[Wiseman2]

Why not be as resolute, businesslike and organized as possible?

Why leave it up to chance or  how you'll feel?

Set up a specific time to get her stuff and get her out for good.

Is she still paying rent or bills there?

Will she bring people with her to help her move?

Have you seen a physician recently? Maybe that's a good idea if you have mood or drinking issues.

[tyb]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not be as resolute, businesslike and organized as possible?

I still believe she is the one for me.

 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she still paying rent or bills there?

yes

Will she bring people with her to help her move?

later in the month yes

Have you seen a physician recently? Maybe that's a good idea if you have mood or drinking issues.

no drinking problems

 

[tyb]

I’m gonna stay NC for the next week. Go to the gym, eat better, read, and try out a yoga class. When she comes by Sunday to get more clothes I am going to talk to her about how I respect her decision and how I took things for granted for awhile and also some of the things I have been doing after I’ve been through this. It’s giving me new perspective. I’ll open the door for communication and if things go well I’ll ask if she wants to go out sometime. Thoughts?