My GF of 5 years moved out

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

I guess I’m conflicted. I do want reconciliation, but I am upset that she led me on just to say no. On the other hand, I feel like I made a huge mistake that led to ending the relationship, and it’s my fault. She was probably “the one”, but I was too inexperienced to realize it. One side of my brain is telling me to ignore her and make her feel that. The other is saying to respond and see where it goes. 

Nope. You’re blinding yourself because you have her on a pedestal and she’s so perfect in your mind she couldn’t possibly be doing what she’s done. Plus if it’s your fault you can fix this. Nope. She made a clear choice/decision to do what she’s doing because she wanted too. You just don’t matter that much to her or she wouldn’t have dumped you .

[Marc878]

7 hours ago, tyb said:

It is weird that she is asking me this but not looking at my Instagram story

Nothing unusual. You’re getting some breadcrumbs.

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Right! I was also thinking about what i should have done differently to avoid break up, i still do sometimes tbh but the truth is that if you werent abusive or havnt done anything to hurt the other person than in that situation you didnt do nothing wrong or at least you couldnt act differently, there were other factors that caused you to act/think this way, and in my opinion sometimes if the partner really loves us than they should „wake us up”, in my case i needed help with covid fatigue and isolation but i never received it intead she just left me and it opened my eyes.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

[tyb]

She did end up looking at my Instagram story. Doesn’t mean much, but she is still curious. Hate having this feeling. So hard to let go.

[JAKE022]

20 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

I dont think what i have said is blame shifting, i do not blame my ex for our break up, blame is 50/50 in my case, all im saying is that OP also cant blame himself for his behaviour short before break up if he did not hurt anyone, people go through different type of problems themselfes and thats all, sometimes we need the other person to address it and help get through it

[Marc878]

14 minutes ago, tyb said:

She did end up looking at my Instagram story. Doesn’t mean much, but she is still curious. Hate having this feeling. So hard to let go.

Of course it is. These things are never easy.

You will learn, get smarter and have more wisdom. There is no one and only, soulmate, etc. there are many that can fit that bill.

The big thing is if they don’t want you and her actions have shown you that. You can’t make them. She has like you free choice on her life. It’s better to find that out early versus married with kids. That is a whole other ballgame.

Right now the only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself.

I’ve been around here for over 5 years. These things play out the same way all the time.

Read a few.

Read the book. It’ll help.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Marc878

[dramafreezone]

On 2/27/2021 at 5:33 AM, tyb said:

Yea I just feel like she is screwing with me to see if I’ve totally gave up. I’m done looking at her stories. 

I think sometimes we have a tendency to project interest.  I don't think her IG has anything to do with you.  She's moved on.  You should too.

Edited February 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[tyb]

35 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Of course it is. These things are never easy.

You will learn, get smarter and have more wisdom. There is no one and only, soulmate, etc. there are many that can fit that bill.

The big thing is if they don’t want you and her actions have shown you that. You can’t make them. She has like you free choice on her life. It’s better to find that out early versus married with kids. That is a whole other ballgame.

Right now the only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself.

I’ve been around here for over 5 years. These things play out the same way all the time.

Read a few.

Read the book. It’ll help.

Did you say I could get the book free online? Where?

[Marc878]

1 minute ago, tyb said:

Did you say I could get the book free online? Where?

Google it. There’s a free pdf download out there. 
 

No More Mr Nice Guy by glover.

a great first step in improving your life. 
 

Confidence in yourself is an attractive trait to have. 
 

Improving yourself is for you. No one else.

Read through it a couple times. 

 

[Marc878]

Once you get over the shock and start dealing with reality your life will improve dramatically.

Reading up is a great first step.

[MsJayne]

On 2/28/2021 at 8:35 AM, tyb said:

This feels spot on. Although I was never cruel. I do feel I made mistakes that I do believe can be worked on.

 

is there anything I can do?

From a woman's point of view a relationship breakdown often goes like this;  Stage 1; Being taken for granted,  Stage 2;  Complaining about things that bother her but feeling invisible or unheard in the relationship, or even gas-lighted,  Stage 3;  Her self esteem starts to suffer because she's allowing herself to be devalued,  Stage 4;  Goes one way or the other other - Either she will stick around and slide into a depression, or, if she's a stronger sort of woman, she'll decide that actions speak louder than words, accept it, and move on.  By staying at her dad's place I think she was giving you the opportunity for a last minute reprieve.  

I don't know if there's anything you can do, but I'd give it a red hot go if I was you, but only if you know you can make a few compromises to make the relationship work.  And I'd be willing to bet there's no other guy involved, or no one serious anyway. If she was leaving you for another guy I doubt she'd be rubbing your nose in it by posting flowers on her social media, (unless she secretly hates you). I also suspect that there might be someone in the background undermining you. Maybe a girlfriend she's been having a moan to, (when men ignore women, the women go off and have  b**** to their girlfriends - or another guy and that's a way worse scenario), or maybe there's someone else she confides in. 

Best of luck, I hope you can win her back  

[Marc878]

19 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

OK so this might not apply to your specific situation, but I did the same thing when I was in my late 20s. I had been with a guy for almost 10 years, we lived together, and I decided to move out. Why? Because I had another love interest. I wanted to soften the blow, so I explained it away by telling him that I had never had my own apartment and I needed my own space etc. etc. - But I didn’t want to completely break up, I just wanted to “live in different apartments”. The reality was that I wanted to explore my freedom, other men, and see what would happen between me and the other guy. Rather than breaking up with integrity, I just decided to move out and be a coward. Yes, I did want my own place, but I also didn’t have feelings anymore for my current boyfriend, and I wasn’t brave enough to say just that.

I also didn’t know if anything better would come along (new guy was questionable), so I strung current BF along, and once he found somebody else (a coworker), I panicked and wanted him back so bad.
 

And yayyy - he took me back, but guess what ..... it didn’t last. Too many shattered memories, too much that couldn’t be repaired. And I broke up with him for good. A few years later. We were engaged at that point. 
 

I recommend you let her go and leave her be. It’s tough. But better now than later

Excellent woman’s point of view. You’d do well to review it again.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

13 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

From a woman's point of view a relationship breakdown often goes like this;  Stage 1; Being taken for granted,  Stage 2;  Complaining about things that bother her but feeling invisible or unheard in the relationship, or even gas-lighted,  Stage 3;  Her self esteem starts to suffer because she's allowing herself to be devalued,  Stage 4;  Goes one way or the other other - Either she will stick around and slide into a depression, or, if she's a stronger sort of woman, she'll decide that actions speak louder than words, accept it, and move on.  By staying at her dad's place I think she was giving you the opportunity for a last minute reprieve.  

I don't know if there's anything you can do, but I'd give it a red hot go if I was you, but only if you know you can make a few compromises to make the relationship work.  And I'd be willing to bet there's no other guy involved, or no one serious anyway. If she was leaving you for another guy I doubt she'd be rubbing your nose in it by posting flowers on her social media, (unless she secretly hates you). I also suspect that there might be someone in the background undermining you. Maybe a girlfriend she's been having a moan to, (when men ignore women, the women go off and have  b**** to their girlfriends - or another guy and that's a way worse scenario), or maybe there's someone else she confides in. 

Best of luck, I hope you can win her back  

The “pick me dance” never works but a lot in this situation will grasp at it only to regret it later.

[MsJayne]

6 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

The “pick me dance” never works but a lot in this situation will grasp at it only to regret it later.

No, I'm not talking about begging, that's not the way, any woman who wants a guy pleading on his knees is manipulative and is also drama waiting to erupt. I'm talking about a bit of empathy and a willingness to let go of some unconscious sexist attitudes. Just simple stuff like...would I like it if my partner always left their skid marks in the toilet for me to clean? A rather humorous issue on the surface, but as someone who has actually had a guy do this to me, I can tell you that after a few months of it I would have gladly shoved a turdy brush so far down his throat he'd never poop straight again. It's the "You're the indian, I'm the chief" attitude, the "you're here to serve me" mentality.  If men knew how angry that makes women they'd be afraid, very afraid.  Sadly, it's so often petty stuff like that which builds up into one great big skidmark on the relationship. 

[Marc878]

10 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

No, I'm not talking about begging, that's not the way, any woman who wants a guy pleading on his knees is manipulative and is also drama waiting to erupt. I'm talking about a bit of empathy and a willingness to let go of some unconscious sexist attitudes. Just simple stuff like...would I like it if my partner always left their skid marks in the toilet for me to clean? A rather humorous issue on the surface, but as someone who has actually had a guy do this to me, I can tell you that after a few months of it I would have gladly shoved a turdy brush so far down his throat he'd never poop straight again. It's the "You're the indian, I'm the chief" attitude, the "you're here to serve me" mentality.  If men knew how angry that makes women they'd be afraid, very afraid.  Sadly, it's so often petty stuff like that which builds up into one great big skidmark on the relationship. 

She dumped him and from his posts it looks like another guy. So it would be the “pick me dance”.  
 

Not to mention the post from Pumpernickel which more closely resembles this scenario.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Marc878

[LivingWaterPlease]

tyb, I don't think this woman will come back to you if you continue to let her have access to you whenever she wants it. You have to draw a line in the sand. Listen to what Marc is telling you. As a woman I can tell you I believe he's on target.

I believe you're blaming yourself too much. You and your ex are both young. You wrote that she grew up chubby and has turned into a beautiful woman.  This tells me that no matter how you treated her she may have deep insecurity issues and be vulnerable to attention from other men for validation at this point. Doesn't mean it will last forever. Also, if she's the one who told you she grew up chubby that means it's something that affected her and she may be trying to move past a mental issue of herself.

OTOH, if you just saw chubby photos of her or found out about her chubbiness another way and you know it was never an issue with her, then I could very well be wrong about insecurity physical image issues she may have.

I believe at the onset of all of this you behaved perfectly to a T. You couldn't have done any better. That is why she has continued to contact you. She is doubting her power in the R and wants to test if she still has you on the string.

I don't believe there's much chance for you with her at this point. The only chance you have, and it's slim, IMO, is to cut her completely loose. Do it in the kind gentlemanly way you've done since she began to move away from you. But be brief about it. I would no longer discuss possibility for the future as she has issues and as much as you love her I don't believe she's in a state to settle down. She's too confused as a person, not about you.

Listen, I was with a guy for two years who pestered me to marry him. I began to pull away from him. The more I did so the more he chased me. The more I wanted to get away from him. That's just the way it works. When you move toward someone and they pull away, continuing to move toward them does no good.  There's probably no way to know for sure what caused her to pull away from you at the very first bc interpersonal dynamics are complex. Yes, the R dynamics may have contributed, but those are not all your fault. The dumpee has a tendency to over evaluate their role in the breakup from what I've noticed.

The only thing I can tell you for sure is that at this point with the way she has and is treating you, you'd be wise to cut her access to you. She will respect you more. You can't let her continue to test the waters with you and expect it to make her want to be with you.

 

[tyb]

52 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

She dumped him and from his posts it looks like another guy. So it would be the “pick me dance”.  
 

Not to mention the post from Pumpernickel which more closely resembles this scenario.

She does have a point tho. She doesn’t hate me. If anything, she cares how I’m doing, which she texted me last night and was asking while she was waivering. If there were another guy she was with now, she wouldn’t rub it in my face at this point. She would keep that hidden.

[tyb]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

From a woman's point of view a relationship breakdown often goes like this;  Stage 1; Being taken for granted,  Stage 2;  Complaining about things that bother her but feeling invisible or unheard in the relationship, or even gas-lighted,  Stage 3;  Her self esteem starts to suffer because she's allowing herself to be devalued,  Stage 4;  Goes one way or the other other - Either she will stick around and slide into a depression, or, if she's a stronger sort of woman, she'll decide that actions speak louder than words, accept it, and move on.  By staying at her dad's place I think she was giving you the opportunity for a last minute reprieve.  

I don't know if there's anything you can do, but I'd give it a red hot go if I was you, but only if you know you can make a few compromises to make the relationship work.  And I'd be willing to bet there's no other guy involved, or no one serious anyway. If she was leaving you for another guy I doubt she'd be rubbing your nose in it by posting flowers on her social media, (unless she secretly hates you). I also suspect that there might be someone in the background undermining you. Maybe a girlfriend she's been having a moan to, (when men ignore women, the women go off and have  b**** to their girlfriends - or another guy and that's a way worse scenario), or maybe there's someone else she confides in. 

Best of luck, I hope you can win her back  

I do believe her stepmom, who she works with and is staying with is the one in her ear. She doesn’t have many friends. She did text me late last night after I posted a picture of me and a friend at a brewery asking me how I was doing, but I didn’t respond. I decided to go no contact after the last phone call where I said I needed to take some time to heal. It was emotional for us both, and she was crying. She apologized and said I love you, but I told her I needed to go.
 

I feel like the best course of action was to go NC and try to get myself right. I don’t know how this will make her feel by ignoring her. Or if I should of responded. Like I’ve said, she has always had self esteem issues, even before we got together. Hopefully it will help her realize what she left behind. I would like to reconcile at some point, but maybe we both need some time. Unfortunately our lease is up in 2 months and she still has most of her stuff her.

[tyb]

26 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

tyb, I don't think this woman will come back to you if you continue to let her have access to you whenever she wants it. You have to draw a line in the sand. Listen to what Marc is telling you. As a woman I can tell you I believe he's on target.

I believe you're blaming yourself too much. You and your ex are both young. You wrote that she grew up chubby and has turned into a beautiful woman.  This tells me that no matter how you treated her she may have deep insecurity issues and be vulnerable to attention from other men for validation at this point. Doesn't mean it will last forever. Also, if she's the one who told you she grew up chubby that means it's something that affected her and she may be trying to move past a mental issue of herself.

OTOH, if you just saw chubby photos of her or found out about her chubbiness another way and you know it was never an issue with her, then I could very well be wrong about insecurity physical image issues she may have.

I believe at the onset of all of this you behaved perfectly to a T. You couldn't have done any better. That is why she has continued to contact you. She is doubting her power in the R and wants to test if she still has you on the string.

I don't believe there's much chance for you with her at this point. The only chance you have, and it's slim, IMO, is to cut her completely loose. Do it in the kind gentlemanly way you've done since she began to move away from you. But be brief about it. I would no longer discuss possibility for the future as she has issues and as much as you love her I don't believe she's in a state to settle down. She's too confused as a person, not about you.

Listen, I was with a guy for two years who pestered me to marry him. I began to pull away from him. The more I did so the more he chased me. The more I wanted to get away from him. That's just the way it works. When you move toward someone and they pull away, continuing to move toward them does no good.  There's probably no way to know for sure what caused her to pull away from you at the very first bc interpersonal dynamics are complex. Yes, the R dynamics may have contributed, but those are not all your fault. The dumpee has a tendency to over evaluate their role in the breakup from what I've noticed.

The only thing I can tell you for sure is that at this point with the way she has and is treating you, you'd be wise to cut her access to you. She will respect you more. You can't let her continue to test the waters with you and expect it to make her want to be with you.

 

How would you go about cutting her loose? I thought that is kind of what I’m doing atm. About a week ago when she was wavering, she asked me where I seen myself in 5 years. She told me she wanted to be married with a family too. It feels like she wasn’t getting the emotional support she wanted, and was not getting much time to relax at home very often. Then when I gave her these things, she was questioning whether I would be able to sustain it. 
 

EDIT: Also she does have some anxiety issues, and insecurities about herself, even tho you would never think so if you met her.

Edited March 1, 2021 by tyb

[Marc878]

30 minutes ago, tyb said:

She does have a point tho. She doesn’t hate me. If anything, she cares how I’m doing, which she texted me last night and was asking while she was waivering. If there were another guy she was with now, she wouldn’t rub it in my face at this point. She would keep that hidden.

Words versus actions. Words are meaningless (stop hanging on that). Her actions say more.

[tyb]

I also should add, when she texted me the day after I let her go, she said “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” I told her to let me know what works best for her. She then said “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. And she said “Cool 🙂”. So it’s seems as if she is looking forward to seeing me again at some point.

[Marc878]

23 minutes ago, tyb said:

I do believe her stepmom, who she works with and is staying with is the one in her ear. She doesn’t have many friends. She did text me late last night after I posted a picture of me and a friend at a brewery asking me how I was doing, but I didn’t respond. I decided to go no contact after the last phone call where I said I needed to take some time to heal. It was emotional for us both, and she was crying. She apologized and said I love you, but I told her I needed to go.
 

I feel like the best course of action was to go NC and try to get myself right. I don’t know how this will make her feel by ignoring her. Or if I should of responded. Like I’ve said, she has always had self esteem issues, even before we got together. Hopefully it will help her realize what she left behind. I would like to reconcile at some point, but maybe we both need some time. Unfortunately our lease is up in 2 months and she still has most of her stuff her.

She’s a grown woman. While her mother may influence she is making the choices/decisions.

I love you. Words. 
 

Actions say......

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, tyb said:

 Then when I gave her these things, she was questioning whether I would be able to sustain it. 

And it's a good question.  Short term change is easy.  Long term change is very difficult to sustain.   I hope you do manage long term change, but you may have to reap the benefits when you have a new relationship. 

[Marc878]

9 minutes ago, tyb said:

How would you go about cutting her loose? I thought that is kind of what I’m doing atm. About a week ago when she was wavering, she asked me where I seen myself in 5 years. She told me she wanted to be married with a family too. It feels like she wasn’t getting the emotional support she wanted, and was not getting much time to relax at home very often. Then when I gave her these things, she was questioning whether I would be able to sustain it. 
 

EDIT: Also she does have some anxiety issues, and insecurities about herself, even tho you would never think so if you met her.

Everyone has issues. Insecure people are more susceptible to others but they still are responsible for their decisions.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, tyb said:

I also should add, when she texted me the day after I let her go, she said “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” I told her to let me know what works best for her. She then said “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. And she said “Cool 🙂”. So it’s seems as if she is looking forward to seeing me again at some point.

She's looking forward to getting everything sorted out.   The smiley face indicates that she doesn't hold a grudge and will likely be cooperative.