My GF of 5 years moved out

[LivingWaterPlease]

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

If you needed help with Covid fatigue & isolation but she didn't give it to you & has now left, how is this break up all your fault?  We can all look back & see things that we wish we could have done differently but that doesn't make the end all one person's fault. 

You said she texted you & asked how you are doing.  You have repeatedly expressed interest in getting back together.  This back & forth limbo is killing you.  End it already.  Lay it all on the line.  Tell her point blank:  I'm not doing too well.  I miss you.  I know I made mistakes.  Do you want to get together to talk about what it would take to reconcile & to heal all the damage we have both caused?  I'd really like that. 

If she says yes, get together & do the work. 

If she says no then you have to say, "Thanks for telling me but in that spirit I need you to leave me alone.  When you reach out to 'check on me' it hurts.  It give sme false hope.  If you ever cared about me, do this one last thing & stop reaching out."   Then you have to unfriend, unfollow, block her # in your phone & on all social media.  NC will help you heal.  

 

9 minutes ago, tyb said:

How would you go about cutting her loose? I thought that is kind of what I’m doing atm. About a week ago when she was wavering, she asked me where I seen myself in 5 years. She told me she wanted to be married with a family too. It feels like she wasn’t getting the emotional support she wanted, and was not getting much time to relax at home very often. Then when I gave her these things, she was questioning whether I would be able to sustain it. 
 

EDIT: Also she does have some anxiety issues, and insecurities about herself, even tho you would never think so if you met her.

To end it see d0nnivain's post above.

2 minutes ago, tyb said:

I also should add, when she texted me the day after I let her go, she said “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” I told her to let me know what works best for her. She then said “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. And she said “Cool 🙂”. So it’s seems as if she is looking forward to seeing me again at some point.

Yes, she likes to see you. What does she have to lose? When she sees you she gets to experience the security and comfort of knowing you still want her. That feels good to her so she looks forward to it. 

I think I'd finish things off similarly to the way d0nnivain worded it and include that you will deliver her things to her place at such and such a time. A time when you know she won't be there. Don't let her be in charge of getting her things. IOW, she has no opportunity to see or talk with you.

You're a first class guy. Just so you know, the way you've handled things is fantastic! She won't find anyone who can handle things better.

She'll be sorry when you're postmaster general! Lol!

[Marc878]

5 minutes ago, tyb said:

I also should add, when she texted me the day after I let her go, she said “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” I told her to let me know what works best for her. She then said “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. And she said “Cool 🙂”. So it’s seems as if she is looking forward to seeing me again at some point.

Ask her parents to pick up her stuff or take it over when she’s at work. You’ll find breaking NC will set you back to the beginning.

You like a lot seem eager to talk. I expect you’ll get more of the same.

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

 

 

She'll be sorry when you're postmaster general! Lol!

I was saying this tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, I believe you will go far in life. I base this on the way you've handled this entire situation. You are a classy guy and that will take you a long way in life.  She is making a big mistake and my advice to you is not to jump into relationships too quickly at this point in your life. Give yourself time. Focus on your career. You will do very well in it and as you take your time to select a woman who is your equal in class you will one day be glad you did. And you WILL be able to be choosy.

[Marc878]

3 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

 

To end it see d0nnivain's post above.

Yes, she likes to see you. What does she have to lose? When she sees you she gets to experience the security and comfort of knowing you still want her. That feels good to her so she looks forward to it. 

I think I'd finish things off similarly to the way d0nnivain worded it and include that you will deliver her things to her place at such and such a time. A time when you know she won't be there. Don't let her be in charge of getting her things. IOW, she has no opportunity to see or talk with you.

You're a first class guy. Just so you know, the way you've handled things is fantastic! She won't find anyone who can handle things better.

She'll be sorry when you're postmaster general! Lol!

Excellent analogy. Insecure people seek attention and validation.

A rich prosecutor is in the mix. Wow!!!! The only thing better is keeping you on the hook too.

Great for her. You not so much.

Work on yourself. Read the book. You’re young. There will be many and better opportunities for you. Don’t waste your time on this.

[Marc878]

3 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I was saying this tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, I believe you will go far in life. I base this on the way you've handled this entire situation. You are a classy guy and that will take you a long way in life.  She is making a big mistake and my advice to you is not to jump into relationships too quickly at this point in your life. Give yourself time. Focus on your career. You will do very well in it and as you take your time to select a woman who is your equal in class you will one day be glad you did. And you WILL be able to be choosy.

She’s right. Decent class guys are hard to find.

[Marc878]

Stop making her issues, etc yours. She needs to take ownership and figure that out.

Being a white knight to the rescue is a thankless task.

[Marc878]

You are better than someone’s plan B backup.

Bud, at his time that’s all she wants you for.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Marc878

[tyb]

Wow guys. A lot to take in. So do I use the d0nnivain excerpt tomorrow? Basically a text asking one more time to reconcile, if not yes, then tell her I’ll deliver her stuff? Or should I call? She told me she is still going to pay her half of everything here til the lease is up. The furniture is also hers but I’m not sure if she wants it. Also the bed. She also is the one that deals with the bills.

[tyb]

That excerpt is kind of similar to what I said 4 days ago on the phone, which was:

”You asked me not to give up on you. But I feel like I’m slipping. I feel like you don’t want to be with me anymore, and there is a lot of pain I’m feeling because of it. You know how I feel about you. I never thought I would find a connection this special with anyone. And I feel lucky to have had it. I will never forget the times we’ve had. My best memories are with you. I just cannot hold out hope anymore, it is too much. 

I feel as tho I must move on. I have learned so much already. My heart hurts. I need to heal. I can’t keep waiting. 

I care for you more than I have cared for anyone, but I need to pick up the pieces.”

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Before I give you my advice I want to call out two things I hope you will consider.

1. The posters who have responded to you are trying to help you out. They have no agendas, nor do they have any investment in the outcome.  You posted your situation.  They give you their advice.  I hope you take the time to read each reply and process what they are telling you as you have received great advice thus far.

2. Do not be the poster who comes looking for the slimmest validation of what you want to hear while ignoring everything else.  [redacted]

Now to my advice...

Do not lose site of THE goal.  The goal is to have a happy and fulfilling marriage, not JUST a marriage.

And the only way that a happy marriage will be possible with her is if you think along the lines of “If you love them set them free.  If they come back to you it was meant to be”

It is not possible for you to change overnight.  It is not possible for her to find herself overnight.  
You don’t want her to come back to you due to being insecure or missing you.  Those are wrong reasons and will lead to a second break up.  It WILL 100% certain.

You want her to come back to you when she has found her identity and knows what she wants from a secure place.  And you want her to come back Knowing 100% that she made a mistake and will make the effort to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.  That is the only way your relationship can be 50/50 again.

Think about it.  If she came back now, it would be she says stand, you jump!  You would bear most of the problems and be always responsible for fixing.  It is a horrible place to be.You also will never feel secure again about her not leaving again if you are not perfect.  
 

You need to be firm with her. Tell her one last time that you only want her to contact you if she wants to reconcile.  Any other contact will be ignored.  You don’t do this because you don’t love her.  You do this because you respect her and her choice and so you both can heal.  
 

Dumpers often keep contact to selfishly help themselves cope.  Each instance of contact helps them to disengage.  Do not fall for the trap.  Let her miss you.

And you, you need to take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship and work on yourself so you can be a better partner.  That is how you will be able to do your part in having a happy fulfilling marriage.  So make sure you do the work.  Go to therapy to work on breaking down your walls. And work on how to be more affectionate. Nobody wants to be with an ice cube.

Edited March 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic reference to another poster's thread

[Marc878]

On 2/26/2021 at 6:44 PM, tyb said:

I just checked her Instagram story today and she posted a vase of flowers with the caption “flowers from strangers”. I feel like she is being cryptic towards me. Probably should just stop looking. I didn’t think she would resort to stuff like this. I’m not sure if she is trying to get me to talk to her again or what. Just seems very childish.

Another tidbit to think over. This was her instagram account right? She knew you’d be looking right? 
 

You keep telling yourself this isn’t who she is. She wouldn’t do stuff like this.

She did it though didn’t she. It’s the hallmark of and insect person looking for attention/validation. 

Bud when they hit you across the forehead with a 2x4 you should wake up to who and what you’re dealing with.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

I also should add, when she texted me the day after I let her go, she said “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” I told her to let me know what works best for her. She then said “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. And she said “Cool 🙂”. So it’s seems as if she is looking forward to seeing me again at some point.

 

22 minutes ago, tyb said:

Wow guys. A lot to take in. So do I use the d0nnivain excerpt tomorrow? Basically a text asking one more time to reconcile, if not yes, then tell her I’ll deliver her stuff? Or should I call? She told me she is still going to pay her half of everything here til the lease is up. The furniture is also hers but I’m not sure if she wants it. Also the bed. She also is the one that deals with the bills.

I'd hear several posters out (marc and d0nnivain, etc) about this question about how to word your last text to her, and see what resonates with you and your style. You have very good judgement. And you do need to settle the issue about her things.

I might say something like, "As I mentioned the other day....yada yada yada (a version of yours and d0nnivain's explanation) and in view of these thoughts (facts, situation, or whatever)  I've decided it'd be best for me to just bring your things over and leave them on your porch (garage, whatever) while you're at work." You maybe could mention, "you need some time to think things through," but I don't know that I would. This is not my forte and I'd think marc and/or d0nnnivain could add some light here.

Editing to add: IMO you don't need to mention not having a last talk. She'll get the drift with the above. Let her be the one to say, "Aren't we going to talk?" Or whatever.  Then you can reply with something like, "I just need some time to think." or whatever. Don't tell her you'll get back with her after thinking. Just that you need time. And leave it at that. If she keeps asking you can keep saying, "I need some time." Again, weigh this with others' and your own opinion.
 

Edited March 1, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Before I give you my advice I want to call out two things I hope you will consider.

1. The posters who have responded to you are trying to help you out. They have no agendas, nor do they have any investment in the outcome.  You posted your situation.  They give you their advice.  I hope you take the time to read each reply and process what they are telling you as you have received great advice thus far.

2. Do not be the poster who comes looking for the slimmest validation of what you want to hear while ignoring everything else. 

[redacted]

Now to my advice...

Do not lose site of THE goal.  The goal is to have a happy and fulfilling marriage, not JUST a marriage.

And the only way that a happy marriage will be possible with her is if you think along the lines of “If you love them set them free.  If they come back to you it was meant to be”

It is not possible for you to change overnight.  It is not possible for her to find herself overnight.  
You don’t want her to come back to you due to being insecure or missing you.  Those are wrong reasons and will lead to a second break up.  It WILL 100% certain.

You want her to come back to you when she has found her identity and knows what she wants from a secure place.  And you want her to come back Knowing 100% that she made a mistake and will make the effort to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.  That is the only way your relationship can be 50/50 again.

Think about it.  If she came back now, it would be she says stand, you jump!  You would bear most of the problems and be always responsible for fixing.  It is a horrible place to be.You also will never feel secure again about her not leaving again if you are not perfect.  
 

You need to be firm with her. Tell her one last time that you only want her to contact you if she wants to reconcile.  Any other contact will be ignored.  You don’t do this because you don’t love her.  You do this because you respect her and her choice and so you both can heal.  
 

Dumpers often keep contact to selfishly help themselves cope.  Each instance of contact helps them to disengage.  Do not fall for the trap.  Let her miss you.

And you, you need to take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the relationship and work on yourself so you can be a better partner.  That is how you will be able to do your part in having a happy fulfilling marriage.  So make sure you do the work.  Go to therapy to work on breaking down your walls. And work on how to be more affectionate. Nobody wants to be with an ice cube.

Good post, except for last paragraph just because I do believe you've taken responsibility for your role and also that this may have happened anyway due to her insecurities which are coming out now (posting the instagram stuff for you to see, etc.). So don't beat yourself up anymore.

Edited March 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to redacted item

[Marc878]

12 minutes ago, tyb said:

That excerpt is kind of similar to what I said 4 days ago on the phone, which was:

”You asked me not to give up on you. But I feel like I’m slipping. I feel like you don’t want to be with me anymore, and there is a lot of pain I’m feeling because of it. You know how I feel about you. I never thought I would find a connection this special with anyone. And I feel lucky to have had it. I will never forget the times we’ve had. My best memories are with you. I just cannot hold out hope anymore, it is too much. 

I feel as tho I must move on. I have learned so much already. My heart hurts. I need to heal. I can’t keep waiting. 

I care for you more than I have cared for anyone, but I need to pick up the pieces.”

IMO I’d keep it simple and straightforward. I’m willing to work on reconciliation if you are. A relationship takes two. One cannot do it alone. If not then bid her best wishes and move on your way.  

If this were me I’d stay no contact until she was seriously letting you know something other than the status quo.
 

I can sense you are chomping at the bit to call her, etc. I’d bet you’ll get the same thing you just got. Or stalling tactics to keep you on the hook.

Remember you are the only one that can keep yourself in limbo. There are some who come here and wallow in these things for months.
 

Read lonelyplanetmoons post. Don’t put yourself In a doormat position where this is all on you. That is a fools errand. How’d you like going through this the first time? Want to do it again?
 

Breaking no contact sets the clock back. Be prepared for that.

[tyb]

Obviously I don’t expect her to change her mind over a span of 4 days. But if she did, I feel like we would definitely need couple counseling or something. Because at this point, I do think we both need healing, and if she were to move back, I think I would feel worried about someone she works with. She would have to explain everything to a T.

[Marc878]

4 minutes ago, tyb said:

Obviously I don’t expect her to change her mind over a span of 4 days. But if she did, I feel like we would definitely need couple counseling or something. Because at this point, I do think we both need healing, and if she were to move back, I think I would feel worried about someone she works with. She would have to explain everything to a T.

Reconciliation takes full truth and transparency. I doubt you’ll get that from what I’ve seen.

I hope for your sake you don’t go the doormat route.  
 

You may want her but you don’t need her.
 

 

[tyb]

4 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

IMO I’d keep it simple and straightforward. I’m willing to work on reconciliation if you are. A relationship takes two. One cannot do it alone. If not then bid her best wishes and move on your way.  

If this were me I’d stay no contact until she was seriously letting you know something other than the status quo.
 

I can sense you are chomping at the bit to call her, etc. I’d bet you’ll get the same thing you just got. Or stalling tactics to keep you on the hook.

Remember you are the only one that can keep yourself in limbo. There are some who come here and wallow in these things for months.
 

Read lonelyplanetmoons post. Don’t put yourself In a doormat position where this is all on you. That is a fools errand. How’d you like going through this the first time? Want to do it again?
 

Breaking no contact sets the clock back. Be prepared for that.

I hear you. Everyday I’m feeling a little different about the situation. I guess in my mind I was thinking when she came over I would not push for reconciliation, but I would be my new self with confidence, making her laugh etc. I thought maybe she would think about trying again. You’re right, it would set the clock back. I figured by that point I would be able to detach and not be in as much pain.

 

I think something I worry about is the bills and the furniture. I do plan on staying here when my lease is up, and I have the option of moving down the hall in a one bedroom apt, or having a roommate move in. She also has the bills in her name. That would have to be switched. I think she would let me keep the furniture since she complained about it and she’s living with her parents. Probably not her bed tho. She lives an hour away so it would be a pain to move all that for her. Not saying this would put things on the worst terms, but she is sensitive and could make it a bigger headache if she wants to.

[Marc878]

8 minutes ago, tyb said:

Obviously I don’t expect her to change her mind over a span of 4 days. But if she did, I feel like we would definitely need couple counseling or something. Because at this point, I do think we both need healing, and if she were to move back, I think I would feel worried about someone she works with. She would have to explain everything to a T.

Counseling is another can of worms. You stand less than a 50% chance of getting a decent one. That field is full of imbeciles. Some can even cause more damage.

A lot who recommend this don’t have much experience in these matters.

BEWARE

[Marc878]

1 minute ago, tyb said:

I hear you. Everyday I’m feeling a little different about the situation. I guess in my mind I was thinking when she came over I would not push for reconciliation, but I would be my new self with confidence, making her laugh etc. I thought maybe she would think about trying again. You’re right, it would set the clock back. I figured by that point I would be able to detach and not be in as much pain.

 

I think something I worry about is the bills and the furniture. I do plan on staying here when my lease is up, and I have the option of moving down the hall in a one bedroom apt, or having a roommate move in. She also has the bills in her name. That would have to be switched. I think she would let me keep the furniture since she complained about it and she’s living with her parents. Probably not her bed tho. She lives an hour away so it would be a pain to move all that for her. Not saying this would put things on the worst terms, but she is sensitive and could make it a bigger headache if she wants to.

You could also have a friend there when they pick up her stuff or be gone. Give her a time, etc. 

You might be able to move to a one bedroom now. Ask.

Have you read the book?

[tyb]

8 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

You could also have a friend there when they pick up her stuff or be gone. Give her a time, etc. 

You might be able to move to a one bedroom now. Ask.

Have you read the book?

Well it’s not available until our lease is up, but they would reserve it. I also have a high chance of having a friend move in, he’s looking. 
 

do you think I should just stay NC then? Or should I send the text asking one last time to try and make it work while also mentioning the part where she isn’t welcomed to come over and her stuff etc? If I’m going to do it, it will probably have to be tomorrow since she goes to sleep right around now.

 

I have started the book. Read the first chapter. Not sure it fully applies to me, as I wasn’t the type to go above and beyond, that sounds more like her tbh. But I like it so far. 
 

EDIT: or should I wait until she sets a date? 

Edited March 1, 2021 by tyb

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

Well it’s not available until our lease is up, but they would reserve it. I also have a high chance of having a friend move in, he’s looking. 

Good deal. That’s helpful

do you think I should just stay NC then? Or should I send the text asking one last time to try and make it work while also mentioning the part where she isn’t welcomed to come over and her stuff etc? If I’m going to do it, it will probably have to be tomorrow since she goes to sleep right around now.

I’d stay NC

I have started the book. Read the first chapter. Not sure it fully applies to me, as I wasn’t the type to go above and beyond, that sounds more like her tbh. But I like it so far. 
 

Not all may apply but it will give you some great insight. Plus it’s short.
 

EDIT: or should I wait until she sets a date? 

Can you make her do anything? Nope. Can you fix her issues? Nope. Bud, don’t kid yourself she has some. She blameshifted this all on you, work, etc.

 

Why NC?

Unless she wakes up and recognizes what she maybe throwing away you have zero chance.

Got it, you aren’t perfect. She isn’t either. It take two. Right now you don’t have that and you may never. And I’d bet she’d  want you to do all the work which would result in failure and you get to go through this again.

A lot will keep themselves tied up in knots months even years for what? Time/life is something you never get back. Don’t waste it.

NC brings clarity if you let it. 

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

You’ve gotten a lot of good info. It’s your life though and ultimately you get to make the decisions.

A lot come here with blinders on in denial of what’s going on. They grasp at straws don’t listen to a thing then get angry because it didn’t work out like they wanted it to.

A lot come back later and say you were right. I wish I’d listened.

Talk ( yours/hers) in these situations get you nothing. It’s all about actions.

 

 

[tyb]

30 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

You’ve gotten a lot of good info. It’s your life though and ultimately you get to make the decisions.

A lot come here with blinders on in denial of what’s going on. They grasp at straws don’t listen to a thing then get angry because it didn’t work out like they wanted it to.

A lot come back later and say you were right. I wish I’d listened.

Talk ( yours/hers) in these situations get you nothing. It’s all about actions.

 

 

You guys have been great. I’ve been in two 5 year relationships, this one was good, last one was just nuts. I appreciate the knowledge you guys have. 
 

My question now is, shall I just wait until she sets a date to figure this stuff out and then tell her I don’t want to meet?

[Marc878]

21 minutes ago, tyb said:

You guys have been great. I’ve been in two 5 year relationships, this one was good, last one was just nuts. I appreciate the knowledge you guys have. 
 

My question now is, shall I just wait until she sets a date to figure this stuff out and then tell her I don’t want to meet?

I’d proceed with moving her stuff out. You may have to text her about what she wants, etc.

Be civil but keep it sterile. Concentrate on moving on. That should be your goal.

She’s told you, shown you upfront its over. Give her what she wants.

I wouldn’t get into any discussion on how you’re doing, what’s up, etc. 

A friend of mine went through this and his x was always saying how he’s so hurt, blah, blah, blah. He may have ran the best no contact I’ve ever seen.
 

Then when she found out he was dating his current girlfriend who is 10 years younger and an anesthesiologist she ramped up contact, even tried to contact his girlfriend. She was pretty upset. She wanted to believe he was totally lost without her. Total shock later.  

She came from a dysfunctional family, etc.  My friend took his time, took a good look at who he was dating and their families. It took him a couple years before he found the right one for him. He was 40 at the time and was shocked at all the women wanting to date him.  No one and only soulmate. You just need to fix your picker and never settle.

Don't waste time on the ones you decide won’t work out. Dump quick and move on. You don’t want a damn project in a girlfriend. Insecurity can be a major red flag.

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

19 minutes ago, tyb said:

You guys have been great. I’ve been in two 5 year relationships, this one was good, last one was just nuts. I appreciate the knowledge you guys have. 
 

My question now is, shall I just wait until she sets a date to figure this stuff out and then tell her I don’t want to meet?

Staying 5 years with crazy was a waste of your time. Fix yourself.