My GF of 5 years moved out

[Marc878]

Learn from your experience. Apply it and you’ll be fine.

Some let life take them where it wants. 

Forge you’re own destiny.  Nothing is written in stone. You get to do that.

Your life is gonna be what you make it.

[tyb]

19 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

I’d proceed with moving her stuff out. You may have to text her about what she wants, etc.

 

 

So text her tomorrow something like, “hey I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet in person, tell me what you want and You can have someone come pick those items up for you.”

 

Not really sure how to go about it. Should I also tell her that her checking on me only hurts and gives me false hope?

[Marc878]

14 minutes ago, tyb said:

So text her tomorrow something like, “hey I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet in person, tell me what you want and You can have someone come pick those items up for you.”

 

Not really sure how to go about it. Should I also tell her that her checking on me only hurts and gives me false hope?

I’d just say what things do you want and how do you want to arrange for pick up?  Simple and to the point. You don’t need a discussion. Closure is BS. That comes from within.

Then see what she says.  If she comes back about meeting up I’d say I’ve decided there’s no need for that at this time. You don’t need explanations. You don’t need to talk about it.

She decided to move out so let her go.  You’re giving her what she wanted.
 

Take control. You control you and your phone. 
I would not mention false hope, etc. It makes you sound like a doormat. If you get breadcrumb texts and you will just ignore.

Don't put yourself in a position of giving her power over you and stringing you along. You are a man. You may want her but she’s not a need.

Believe me if there’s anything more than breadcrumbs you’ll know it.

Take your time responding.  Always think. Does this even need a response?  If not ignore. If you decide it does think about what you want to convey. This is not the time to jump through hoops or be at her beck and call. Take your time!

 

 

[dramafreezone]

39 minutes ago, tyb said:

So text her tomorrow something like, “hey I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet in person, tell me what you want and You can have someone come pick those items up for you.”

 

Not really sure how to go about it. Should I also tell her that her checking on me only hurts and gives me false hope?

Maybe schedule something to actually do so you have an excuse to not be there, or that you have to go soon and you can't stay and chit chat.

And no on the second part, at least I wouldn't say it like that.  Just say you wish her the best but it's time for both of you to move on and maybe you can touch base later down the line when things have settled down.  Don't show bitterness, or anger.

Edited March 1, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Marc878]

You can work out the pick up details after you know what she wants. It would be a good idea to have a friend or family member there for pickup. You can skip it if you prefer. Right now it maybe to emotional for you to be around that.
 

Let her do the work. Don’t volunteer to help her. Although once I knew what she wanted I’d box her things up nicely and have them ready so she doesn’t have to be there long.

You don’t need to talk about it once she lets you know the things she wants just get it done.

 I would use this as an opportunity to purge all her stuff so you don’t have her calling, wanting to come by for some stuff she forgot, etc. Plus you don’t need or want reminders around.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Marc878 said:

You can work out the pick up details after you know what she wants. It would be a good idea to have a friend or family member there for pickup. You can skip it if you prefer. Right now it maybe to emotional for you to be around that.

Yes, I agree. 

As far as counselling goes, eh, that's a bridge you may never need to cross. Don't waste time thinking about things like that when you don't currently have any indication that she wants to repair things. 

Get her stuff out as soon as possible and concentrate on healing instead. 

[d0nnivain]

The words you use to talk to her have to be yours not mine.  I just offered a suggestion.  It's not a script. 

 

10 hours ago, tyb said:

I think something I worry about is the bills and the furniture. I do plan on staying here when my lease is up, and I have the option of moving down the hall in a one bedroom apt, or having a roommate move in. She also has the bills in her name. That would have to be switched. I think she would let me keep the furniture since she complained about it and she’s living with her parents. Probably not her bed tho. She lives an hour away so it would be a pain to move all that for her. Not saying this would put things on the worst terms, but she is sensitive and could make it a bigger headache if she wants to.

You need to keep talking until you work out the lease & returning all the stuff.  Legal obligations & practicalities override hurt feelings.  

[tyb]

Quick update. I got a text from her this morning.

 

“I really thought that you would continue to be cool with me and it feels like you are going in the other direction. It is very confusing and it hurts me.”

 

thoughts?

[Marc878]

36 minutes ago, tyb said:

Quick update. I got a text from her this morning.

 

“I really thought that you would continue to be cool with me and it feels like you are going in the other direction. It is very confusing and it hurts me.”

 

thoughts?

She wanted you to be friends. This is for her not you. It helps alleviate any guilt, etc.

She wants the best of both worlds. Her new guy and you. It’s called cake eating. She’s so wonderful and irreplaceable she can’t understand how you could just let her go.

Theres nothing here for you. Proceed with no contact except to get her stuff back. 
 

This message is all about her and how you are hurting her. No mention of you is there?

Edited March 1, 2021 by Marc878

[tyb]

How about this.
 

“My intention is not to hurt you, but I must take care of myself now under the circumstances. I think it’s best that we don’t contact each other now. I also don’t think it’s best if we meet either. If you could make a list of the items you want from the apt, that would be great. Then we can schedule a day to get you those items. Take care.”

[Marc878]

57 minutes ago, tyb said:

 

 If you could make a list of the items you want from the apt, that would be great. Then we can schedule a day to get you those items. Thanks.

Civil. Short and to the point. 

[Marc878]

You don’t owe her an explanation. She dropped you. She needs to take what comes with that.

She’s hurt because she just can’t believe you dropped as easy as she dropped you. You were supposed to be crushed, hurt, borderline suicidal, etc. 😂 SURPRISE!!!

You just moved on like she did. 

Once you get her info then you can set up the pickup however you want. Whatever suits you.

You listened and kept your self respect. A big deal that will make you a better man for someone else. Women/people in general are attracted to inner strength.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Marc878

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, tyb said:

“I really thought that you would continue to be cool with me and it feels like you are going in the other direction. It is very confusing and it hurts me.”

She's not the special soul you thought she was. 

This is very selfish and naïve of her. Her head is a lot further up her own backside than you believed. 

[Marc878]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She's not the special soul you thought she was. 

This is very selfish and naïve of her. Her head is a lot further up her own backside than you believed. 

Me me me me me!
🤣😂🤪

Yep. He didn’t lose a thing.

[tyb]

Thanks guys. I do still miss her a lot. I would still be open to reconciliation at some point. If that’s what I want, I don’t want to burn any bridges.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, tyb said:

Thanks guys. I do still miss her a lot. I would still be open to reconciliation at some point. If that’s what I want, I don’t want to burn any bridges.

Life if funny tyb. You have better chances to reconcile down the road by burning your bridges now. Keeping a crack in the door does not work. You cut the connection/communication and if ever you reconnect later then you build on something new, not on an old bridge. 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Gaeta

[LivingWaterPlease]

13 minutes ago, tyb said:

Thanks guys. I do still miss her a lot. I would still be open to reconciliation at some point. If that’s what I want, I don’t want to burn any bridges.

Missing her is normal and to be expected. The way you burn bridges is by being a doormat, IMO.

[tyb]

14 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Missing her is normal and to be expected. The way you burn bridges is by being a doormat, IMO.

Even if this shutting her out play is the same thing I did in the relationship?

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, tyb said:

Even if this shutting her out play is the same thing I did in the relationship?

Shutting out someone for healing isn't remotely similar to shutting out someone we're supposed to be caring for. 

Burning a bridge is telling her that you hate her and never want to see her again.   If you want a mid way solution which helps you heal but doesn't burn bridges, consider what I said earlier: tell her that while you're very open to reconciling, if that's not an option, then you need No Contact to heal

Edited March 1, 2021 by basil67

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, tyb said:

Quick update. I got a text from her this morning.

 

“I really thought that you would continue to be cool with me and it feels like you are going in the other direction. It is very confusing and it hurts me.”

 

thoughts?

Whatever.

She decided to unilaterally end the relationship, yet she still wants to get something out of it while not giving what you want from it.  It's really a selfish thing to say.

I'd just say that we want different things, so it's best that you and I both look for what we want.  I'm not interested in just being your friend, but I harbor no ill will and I wish you the best.

At the least, she will respect that you're speaking your mind and sticking by your guns.  Being her friend when that's not what you want will just create resentment on your end and a lack of respect on her end.

Edited March 1, 2021 by dramafreezone

[tart6245]

24 minutes ago, tyb said:

Even if this shutting her out play is the same thing I did in the relationship?

If she doesn't want to be with you, you can't stay friends with her. That will only prolong any pain you are feeling. You don't have to burn bridges if you do end up reconciling, but that doesn't mean you have to be friends with her in the meantime. She's just wanting to keep you around so she won't be lonely while she explores other options. Don't let her do that. You don't have to be mean to her, but you do need to let her know you don't want to be talking because you need to heal. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

30 minutes ago, tyb said:

Even if this shutting her out play is the same thing I did in the relationship?

SHE shut YOU out. And she wants you to be cool with it!

You've been a gentleman and reacted perfectly to it.

She's very immature to expect she can break your heart, so to speak, and expect you to be her version of "cool" with the break up. What does that even mean?

Seems to me this girl wants you to keep hanging on so she can enjoy everything you have to offer (your personality, warmth, security of knowing you want her, etc.) while she dates around.

The more you write about her the more immature and entitled she seems to be to me.

 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

29 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She decided to unilaterally end the relationship, yet she still wants to get something out of it while not giving what you want from it.  It's really a selfish thing to say.

I'd just say that we want different things, so it's best that you and I both look for what we want.  I'm not interested in just being your friend, but I harbor no ill will and I wish you the best.

At the least, she will respect that you're speaking your mind and sticking by your guns.  Being her friend when that's not what you want will just create resentment on your end and a lack of respect on her end.

This ^^^

Edited March 1, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, tyb said:

Thanks guys. I do still miss her a lot. I would still be open to reconciliation at some point. If that’s what I want, I don’t want to burn any bridges.

It’s because your heart hasn’t caught up to your brain yet. You still have her on a pedestal.  
 

Take her back there’s a chance you’ll get this again. Would it be worth it?

[dramafreezone]

51 minutes ago, tyb said:

Even if this shutting her out play is the same thing I did in the relationship?

Maybe somewhere down the line there will be a time where you can be cordial, friendly and perhaps friends but this is not that time. 

Were you guys friends for a long time before you became a couple?  If not, then why would she expect that you would be that now?  Doesn't make any sense.  You two never fundamentally had a platonic relationship, it was fundamentally a romantic one.

She just wants you as a backup plan.  You can't be her or anyone else's backup plan.  She made her decision, but she can't respect the decision you've made?  Again, very selfish.  You have to stand your ground here.  You don't want to be just her friend, so you have to stick by that.  Tell her if she ever changes her mind, she can give you a call and we can discuss it.  Otherwise, we'll have to part ways.