whysotough Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 Hey everyone. I hope everyone is well. The ex I am currently referring to is one that I had a long distance relationship with for the majority of the time. Both of us were young at the time when we were dating (she was 22 and I was 23 when we had started), and the relationship lasted about 4 years. We broke up 4 years ago because it just was too draining on both of us. We wanted different things, she wasn't as invested, and it just took a toll on the both of us. We remained in contact for a while later, till I completely broke off the contact because I realized it was the only way for me to get over her. The last draw was when I removed her off of my social media. I stopped following her, and removed her as a follower without telling her. I did not block her, but I did this selfishly because I was always checking to see whether she was looking at my stories or posts, and I would secretly stalk her. Despite her profile being public, I did not ever stalk her in the last 3 years until I did today. I did not feel any hate, contempt, or anything of that sort. In fact I could not stop smiling and just generally wished her well deep down. I'm wondering if messaging and asking her how she is after 3 years of no contact is asking for trouble? I think she never messaged me after realizing that I had taken her off my social media, perhaps she assumed I was getting married, or was dating someone else, but in reality I just knew I had to do it for myself to get over her completely. I don't know anything about her life, I don't know who she is anymore really. She was not in the best place in her life when we broke up (this had nothing to do with me), but it just got to the point where I knew I wanted something very serious with her, but she was just in a different place and wanted different things. I asked her if she wanted to make things official and get engaged, but she did not feel ready to make such a commitment because she wanted different things as she called it, for which I do not blame her for. I have no resentment if I was not the one for her, and am passed feeling bad for myself about it. I was about to message asking her how she is, but I thought I would ask for insight from other members to see if this is just a plain old horrible idea considering she never reached out to me even after I made it crystal clear the lengths I would go to make it work at the time. I don't know if she just never thought of messaging me, or whether she didn't message me because she assumed I was married or in another relationship after removing her off my social media a year after the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 Any time an ex contacts someone, it's because they want something. They're either bored, having a dry spell or just got dumped. Most people wouldn't welcome the intrusions even if they're polite at first and say "nice hearing from you". Move forward not backwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysotough Posted February 27, 2021 Author Share Posted February 27, 2021 53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Any time an ex contacts someone, it's because they want something. They're either bored, having a dry spell or just got dumped. Most people wouldn't welcome the intrusions even if they're polite at first and say "nice hearing from you". Move forward not backwards. I see what you mean, and I'm glad I asked before impulsively messaging. I have this feeling deep down that perhaps it could have been the right two people at the wrong time. But, she would have messaged me at some point if she felt the same, considering I was clearly alot more invested than she was. I genuinely am over her, but because I'm single now, the idea sort of played in my mind to say hello. We still do not live in the same town and I just figure some closure on a good note would not hurt either. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 You could try reaching out with neutral, friendly message. Just keep your expectations low. A lot can change in 3/4 years and she might not even be single anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 If there was anything there you’d have heard. Sounds like wishful thinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 It's not going to go anywhere. If something changed, like you moved closer to her, I'd say OK but just to randomly say hi, don't waste your breath. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysotough Posted February 27, 2021 Author Share Posted February 27, 2021 1 hour ago, Marc878 said: If there was anything there you’d have heard. Sounds like wishful thinking. Fair point. I think she would have reached out to at least say hello in these years if there was something. Though I did not reach out, I was still clearly alot more serious at the time, while she did not feel ready amidst other issues we had. 28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's not going to go anywhere. If something changed, like you moved closer to her, I'd say OK but just to randomly say hi, don't waste your breath. Thank you. Though were not very far, it is still an hour's flight away. Seems like nothing good can come off of it. Appreciate the insight. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 3 hours ago, whysotough said: We wanted different things, she wasn't as invested, She in essence broke up with you. She hasn't felt the need to reach out to you. She has not said, words to the effect of "Let's get back together, I made a huge mistake." No she has remained out of touch and silent. Even blocked people can find you if they really want to... You seem to be still hoping something will come of this, but that is highly unlikely. Contact her if you must, but be realistic. Women rarely want anything to do with old bfs they didn't see a future with and dumped, bar maybe some polite "catch up" chit chat... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 We all get nostalgic at times. That’s all this is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysotough Posted February 27, 2021 Author Share Posted February 27, 2021 31 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She in essence broke up with you. She hasn't felt the need to reach out to you. She has not said, words to the effect of "Let's get back together, I made a huge mistake." No she has remained out of touch and silent. Even blocked people can find you if they really want to... You seem to be still hoping something will come of this, but that is highly unlikely. Contact her if you must, but be realistic. Women rarely want anything to do with old bfs they didn't see a future with and dumped, bar maybe some polite "catch up" chit chat... Thank you. I needed to hear this Appreciate everyone's response, and I am so glad I did not send that message. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 (edited) Quote We broke up 4 years ago.. We remained in contact for a while later, till I completely broke off the contact because I realized it was the only way for me to get over her. The last draw was when I removed her off of my social media. I stopped following her, and removed her as a follower without telling her. Is it safe to assume you had an 'in person' relationship and it wasn't just an 'on line' interaction/relationship? Not judging, just asking for context. If so, how much 'real time' had you spent together in those 4 years? Re the bolded, how did you break contact suddenly, did you ghost her? Or did you have a conversation about how you felt and tell her it's best you no longer talk and part ways? I disagree with the others, I see nothing wrong or bad about reaching out, people do this all the time. Heck my own dad reconnected with a woman 15 years after they parted ways after college and married her a year later! Sometimes the timing was wrong, one or both weren't in the right head space at the time, it could be anything. Keep it light, lower expections and gauge the vibe. She may be responsive, she may not, but you will never know until you try. Take a chance, a risk. You only live once, make the most of it, and don't allow fear to steer your ship. Good luck whatever you decide! Edited February 27, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysotough Posted February 27, 2021 Author Share Posted February 27, 2021 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Is it safe to assume you had an 'in person' relationship and it wasn't just an 'on line' interaction/relationship? Not judging, just asking for context. If so, how much 'real time' had you spent together in those 4 years? Re the bolded, how did you break contact suddenly, did you ghost her? Or did you have a conversation about how you felt and tell her it's best you no longer talk and part ways? I disagree with the others, I see nothing wrong or bad about reaching out, people do this all the time. Heck my own dad reconnected with a woman 15 years after they parted ways after college and married her a year later! Sometimes the timing was wrong, one of both wasn't in the right head space, it could be anything. Keep it light, lower expections and gauge the vibe. She may be responsive, she may not, but you will never know until you try. Take a chance, a risk. You only live once, make the most of it, and don't allow fear to steer your ship. Good luck whatever you decide! It was alot more online than in person, ALOT. In fact we effectively met not more than 40 times, which is not much, but we were extremely close online. It sounds extremely pathetic typing it and thinking about it after you asked that question. Well, her and I had differences. She didn't see a future where she would move away from her city to mine. She did not have a job at the time for around 3 years, and could not support herself financially. I have a great job and career, and I suggested she move to where I am initially, and that it doesn't matter so long as we are together, especially given that my job can easily support us both and a family if it went that way. During the course of the last few months it took a toll on me how little effort she put. She was dealing with many personal issues, which I tried to help with, but the relationship progressively went downhill from there. Lots of arguments, misunderstandings, etc. We had "the talk", and it almost felt like it sucked so much more for me than it did for her. We kept in contact, but only minimally. I called her one day and asked her one more time if she would consider moving, or that we formalize the relationship, and she refused. Fast forward a few days where she said nothing to me whatsoever after I pretty much asked her to consider marrying me, she messaged me and apologized. I was really upset that she was so casual about it, and we sort of left it at that argument. We had no communication after that aside from her leaving one comment on my photo back when she followed me. After exactly 1 year of zero communication, I realized that I cared too much about what she was and was not seeing on my feed, and I felt as though I was the only one that was dwelling on the failed relationship, I decided to cut her out of social media since it was not helping me move on. I can confidently say that I have moved on. I would be happy for her if she is married or dating someone else, I genuinely have no clue. The fact remains that I was ALOT more invested than she was. She always knew where I stood. The reason why the thought of messaging her occurred to me in the first place was to see how she is, but also who she is today. During our last few months she was changing and maturing alot / figuring herself out so to speak. She only started drinking during that time as she grew up religious.( I did not discourage any of this whatsoever ) Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 16 minutes ago, whysotough said: It was alot more online than in person, ALOT. In fact we effectively met not more than 40 times, which is not much, but we were extremely close online. It sounds extremely pathetic typing it and thinking about it after you asked that question I can confidently say that I have moved on. I would be happy for her if she is married or dating someone else, I genuinely have no clue. Thanks for providing more context and NO you are not 'pathetic' get rid of that thought, okay? 😄 Bolded - given you have moved on (emotionally), and would be happy for her if married or in a serious relationship, why is it you want to reach out? What's your purpose? What do you want? I think first and foremost, be honest with yourself before you do anything. No facades, no pretending. No running away from feelings. Then decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Hpchic Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: She in essence broke up with you. She hasn't felt the need to reach out to you. She has not said, words to the effect of "Let's get back together, I made a huge mistake." No she has remained out of touch and silent. Even blocked people can find you if they really want to... You seem to be still hoping something will come of this, but that is highly unlikely. Contact her if you must, but be realistic. Women rarely want anything to do with old bfs they didn't see a future with and dumped, bar maybe some polite "catch up" chit chat... Agreed. I’d say given she was the one who ended the relationship it would have been up to her to reach out. So if you’re intentions are not strictly platonic (doesn’t sound like they are) I’d say don’t bother. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 (edited) If she was the one that ended things, it would be less harmful (never ever ever hit up someone you dumped---it's just cruel); however, it's still not a great idea for all the reasons outlined above. If you're hitting her up because you really want to try again, then you need to be crystal clear with that in your first message and be prepared for the worst. What are you expecting to hear, really? Would you feel fine if she told you off and blocked you? You have to think about these things. How would you feel if an ex hit you up out of nowhere, with no clear agenda or intent? At best you're confused and at worst you're extremely upset. It's just inconsiderate and a bit selfish. I have managed some extremely casual "online friendships" with exes inasmuch as we follow each other's social media accounts and like posts, make comments occasionally, etc. But that was only in cases where we dated briefly and mutually decided it just wasn't a good fit, rather than long-term relationships that involved being in love. I don't think it's a good idea to reach out to exes unless you really know what you want from the exchange. Edited February 27, 2021 by lana-banana Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysotough Posted February 27, 2021 Author Share Posted February 27, 2021 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Thanks for providing more context and NO you are not 'pathetic' get rid of that thought, okay? 😄 Bolded - given you have moved on (emotionally), and would be happy for her if married or in a serious relationship, why is it you want to reach out? What's your purpose? What do you want? I think first and foremost, be honest with yourself before you do anything. No facades, no pretending. No running away from feelings. Then decide. Just to know, that is all. To know she hasn't kept herself from messaging me in assumption that I am married or in a serious relationship because I cut her off from the only part she was in my life(social media). To know that it wasn't a matter of two people that were in fact right for each other but in the wrong time of their lives. And also, though I will be happy just to know she's happy with someone else, and I am happy with my life and with where I am in all aspects of my life, I did in fact love her alot. I am gravitated towards thinking that she if did in fact have any regret, or any ounce of doubt, she could have reached out to me. I was after all very clearly alot more interested, and did not want it to end. 30 minutes ago, lana-banana said: If she was the one that ended things, it would be less harmful (never ever ever hit up someone you dumped---it's just cruel); however, it's still not a great idea for all the reasons outlined above. If you're hitting her up because you really want to try again, then you need to be crystal clear with that in your first message and be prepared for the worst. What are you expecting to hear, really? Would you feel fine if she told you off and blocked you? You have to think about these things. How would you feel if an ex hit you up out of nowhere, with no clear agenda or intent? At best you're confused and at worst you're extremely upset. It's just inconsiderate and a bit selfish. I have managed some extremely casual "online friendships" with exes inasmuch as we follow each other's social media accounts and like posts, make comments occasionally, etc. But that was only in cases where we dated briefly and mutually decided it just wasn't a good fit, rather than long-term relationships that involved being in love. I don't think it's a good idea to reach out to exes unless you really know what you want from the exchange. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 (edited) Deleted, no longer relevant. Edited February 27, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 I think it would come off as weird to message an ex who you broke up with years ago, out of the blue. Even if it's just to say "hi." It's better to leave it in the past. You don't know what she may be dealing with right now.... maybe you contacting her out of the blue would open up old wounds for her or something. Maybe she wouldn't welcome it. Maybe she's dating someone and the other person would find it weird that her ex is contacting her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 27, 2021 Share Posted February 27, 2021 (edited) Maybe only for nostalgia or to "check up" on how they turned out in life, etc. 4 years is kinda too soon for that sort of thing, though, more like 10-15 maybe. Don't go in with any expectations either. I've looked up a few old GFs and some were happy to hear from me/"catch up" (platonically) while others didn't respond so I would assume either mistrustful or simply not interested. Ultimately none of it amounted to more than some chatting and satisfying curiosity; nothing more than that (nor was it intended to be). Agree with the advice to move forwards, not backwards. Seems to apply the vast majority of the time. You two broke things off for good reasons. Overall I'm not a fan of LDRs and would suggest closer distance ones generally, but I suppose everyone is different. Edited February 27, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Given the additional context your provided, OP, I would not reach out. She lost interest a long time ago. It is unlikely that anything has changed in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
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