A little story on how I deluded myself

[Miss Nothing93]

Hi there, so this is not my first time posting on a forum but it is the first time I'm posting on this forum, so bear with me because this is kind of a long story and I guess I'm looking for a bit of reassurance and I don't know, talk about this one more time?

Anyway...

I met this guy online, we instantly clicked and we have many things in common. He's 28, has a son from a previous relationship, a new business and lives 3 hours away from me. At the beginning it was all great, we talked every day. Then one day he disappeared for 4 days, I honestly thought that he ghosted me. He came back and we made amends. After his act of disappearence I became even more anxious about the situation. Oh, I forgot to mention that we have had sexting. That's something that I never did before so I think that made me more vulnerable. So one day I decided I had enough of that anxiety and he was giving me mixed signals, so I decided to take some space. We didn't talk for a month and a half and I was moving on, I even deleted his phone number without feeling anything. He came back at the beginning of december... 

During that first week I was neutral and curious about why he came back, he talked to me every single day of that week, until one night we had a deep conversation. I told him how I felt and why I decided to take some space, he said he was sorry, that it wasn't his intention. I also asked him why he didn't say anything when I decided to take that space and he said that it hurt and if that's how I felt, he didn't want to think about it. So we had that chat on a thursday night and the next day he sent me a message that said something like: "Hey, I'm not ignoring you or anything, I just went to the dentist, I'm gonna pick up my son and hit the gym, so yeah super busy, I'm letting you know as you asked" so yeah after that he didn't text me at the weekends anymore but it turns out that after that chat we had, I started to fantasise about us again because finally he set a date for us to meet when in the past he was reluctant... 

I also must say that one night we had an argument and I asked him if he was really interested in getting to know me for real and he said that he was interested but he was also being cautious because he has been in these kind of situations before and they never end well.

Fast forward to January (the month we were supposed to meet) and he disappeared for 2 weeks. Those weeks were hell for me but at the end I decided to reach out. He told me he was depressed and he just focused on his son who was with him during those weeks. I understood, I mean I didn't like he disappeared but I have had depression as well and I know what it's like. After he came back, we talked for a few days and I also discovered he has an avoidant attachment style. According to him, talking about his feelings makes him feel worse, so he prefers to bottle up all of his emotions and he doesn't want to look for help. Some days passed by and he was becoming more distant. I tried to be patient and be there for him because of his depression.

I would send him some silly or funny texts to check in on him and he would usually reply hours later, we would talk for a bit and then he would abruptly stop the conversation. The last time we talked, he was a bit more talkative than previous days, we flirted a bit and he told me about something he would like for us to do. We chatted for 2 hours that night until he stopped replying. And that's it. On the following days I sent him some texts and he didn't reply to any of those, in fact, he didn't even open them, so I can only assume I was ghosted.

My emotions have been a roller-coaster lately and my depression is back, because why not?

Any advice, reassurance or whatever you have on how to move on? I just want to forget he even existed in the first place but that's easier said than done.

[Watercolors]

Well he's definitely avoiding having a real relationship with you. All of his excuses. The first time he actually did ghost you. You responded correctly by deleting and blocking him. Narcissists like him always come back to their "supply" of ego-source energy. Unfortunately, you took his bait and he's had you on a roller coaster ever since - just where he wants you to be so that he can emotionally manipulate you to soothe his need for emotional manipulation. 

The only thing you need to do at this point is decide WHY you are allowing him to treat you this way. So, why are you? 

Having been in my fair share of these types of push-pull relationships in the past, I can tell you that the best choice is to walk away from him and give him the standard grey rock response, because as you have learned, you can walk away from a narcissist but you can't escape if you continue to respond to their breadcrumbs. They are the masters of emotional manipulation. 

If you don't know what "grey rock" is, you should google it. I used that on the last narcissist guy and it literally worked like a charm. He tried to humiliate me in public online, referencing a bunch of personal information that I had only shared with him, with the same FB group we belonged to; airing my dirty laundry. He was hoping I'd respond. Nope. I didn't even respond. So, he typed a "F---- Y--!" post to me then the mods blocked him! Ha! I am still in that FB group. I also ignored the nosey nellies who messaged me about his behavior. It's been a year and I haven't heard a peep from him and I'm SO relieved! 

What your guy is doing is stringing you along and you're allowing him to. So, cut the string. Walk away. Raise your standards so that you can avoid guys like him in your dating future. 

If you need to check yourself, look at how you felt before you met him, and now while you're interacting with him. Obviously, you felt normal before you met him. Now he's triggered your depression and you're second guessing yourself and feeling crazy and doubtful - which is exactly what he wants you to feel. He destablized you emotionally b/c that's what all narcissist personalities do. They choose women who are weaker in that they don't have strong boundaries and tend to collapse their own boundaries to please others. 

Walk away from him. That's the best option for you in my humble opinion. 

Edited February 27, 2021 by Watercolors

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Miss Nothing93 said:

He's 28, has a son from a previous relationship, a new business and lives 3 hours away from me.

Sorry this is happening. Did you ever get the chance to meet in person? Be very cautious of people who contact your this far away. It's possible he's still in his relationship and just screwing around flirting with women online. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

 Instead get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and screen for better matching criteria in terms of age, distance kids, etc. If someone won't meet in a timely fashion, delete them and move forward.

Edited February 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Going forward, as fun as OL interactions can be especially in this isolating time of Covid, never believe that they are anything more than a distraction.  They are not real & you cannot count on somebody you have never met. 

I have had lovely chats over the years with many other LS members.  I enjoy talking to them but I don't know them.  They aren't going to be there in a crisis nor should they.  We are internet "friends" which means we're strangers. 

While you two were chatting & sexting, it was fun.  You enjoyed it. You looked forward to it.  You were working toward meeting but until that meeting happened you had an obligation to yourself to keep your emotions & expectations in check.  The minute you got anxious you should have recognized that you were in too deep & pulled back.  You also let it go on too long.  Even in Covid there must have been a park or at least a parking lot 1.5 hours from each of your homes where you could have met.  Once this went beyond 1-2 months with no meeting, you needed to realize that this was all a fantasy never to materialize into something real.  

Cut yourself some slack.  Recognize you had some fun but now write it off as something that was never meant to be