Should I call my father 1 week after our friction, or what?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Also, why don't you plan a vacation for yourself this August? At least for part of it anyway. You could use a break, imo!

[Fleiss]

32 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

The family scapegoat is the only family member who is truthful and as a result, the easy target for their dysfunctional family members' to shame and blame. You have a good heart and advocate for your mom's well being. Your siblings neglect your parents' welfare because they know you'll be the responsible one to handle everything. But it's wearing you down emotionally.

I don't think that you owe your dad an apology just because he's a senior citizen. 

Your father is very passive aggressive -- so it should piss you off. The fact that he never admits when he's wrong, shows him to be a very stubborn, prideful man. 

You didn't overreact to your dad. You were emotionally gaslighted by your dad and your response was one of exasperation. That's totally normal in my view. I don't think you care too much about your mom's wellbeing. I think you want to ensure that your mom is taken care of. If you know that your dad isn't capable, and you know that you can't rely on your siblings, then does your country have nursing homes? I know those are terrible places, but at least there your mom would receive her meals on a regular basis, and she'd have a geriatric nurse to tend to her medical needs. Make yourself the power of attorney for your mom, so that you can handle her medical care and make all of the decisions for her.

Don't feel ashamed of yourself. You can always call your dad up and tell him point blank that his behavior hurt your feelings (that's your right to assert your boundary with him and tell him how his behavior made you feel -- everyone has that right by the way). Then, tell him that you are willing to compromise on certain things but not willing to compromise on others, where your mom's care, is concerned. Your father will try to get you to back down by gaslighting you again, since that is what he sounds like he does with you and your siblings. But recognize that his gaslighting is his way of trying to weasel out of taking care of your mom properly. 

If a nursing home is not an option, then after you become the power of attorney, you can hire an out-patient nurse service to come to your parents' home to do housekeeping, bathing, feeding, and medication when you're not there and your dad will have to accept it, and agree to it. And if he doesn't, he can leave. 

You hit the nail on the head with everything you pointed out. I will try to find outside paid aid, which most probably l will have to pay for myself. And that’s ok. 

 (Last year, l suggested we found a lady for mom and the main chores, and share the cost, but my middle brother’s wife refused right away, and my brother said nothing.) 

My parents receive an old-age pension, but that’s not sufficient to pay for outside aide, as well. Father was not really proactive of old age in not having saved more for the hardest days to come. (Right now they have only about $ 3000, which l managed to get and put in a bank account.) 

Edited February 28, 2021 by Fleiss

[Fleiss]

3 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Also, why don't you plan a vacation for yourself this August? At least for part of it anyway. You could use a break, imo!

Yes, l have thought about doing that. Thanks for bringing it up.

[spiderowl]

I really sympathise with your situation because it is incredibly tough trying to help people who appear not to try to help themselves.  But, some elderly people do struggle with asking for help or accepting it.  Some do become very critical of others.  Carers often have to develop skills to persuade people to do what is important for them.  It is stressful and demanding. I would definitely investigate what external help might be available from local services.

My own father had two strokes.  It was apparent that he had had these but sometimes it is not apparent.  One of the effects was that he became very negative, could not see the bright side of anything and only seemed to remember the bad things.  One minute he liked one type of food, the next day he didn't.  He said one thing one day and the next day denied it.  He was not aware of the effects of the stroke but others were.  These were strokes that were noticed at the time by others and diagnosed.  As people get older, sometimes they suffer minor strokes.  It is always possible that these cause problems in the brain and that crankiness or unreasonableness over some things is due to changes in the brain.  This is not necessarily the case with your father but something to bear in mind if he seems to be getting increasingly critical or unreasonable.

I think you had a tough day and obviously I don't know how you asked your father to do what you did.  Whatever it was, you insisted, so he then reacted like someone would who didn't want to be pushed into something.  Maybe your father felt he couldn't cope with your request.  He probably doesn't know what to do either and is hoping family sort it all out for him.

I think another poster's advice about seeking external information is a good one.  I am sure you must know enough about dementia now if your mother has been affected by it.  It does help sometimes to get the perspectives of experts.  In our country, we can get an assessment by local social services - maybe you have something similar there?  This can help because it can highlight any extra help that is needed - whether this is with extra care, physical aids for mobility, bathing, etc., or financially.  Hopefully, there are services locally that can help you but a consultation with the local welfare services can make a difference in itself, as they can point you to other services that can be supportive.

You are dealing with a very difficult situation and there is nothing wrong in taking a step back and giving yourself a break when needed.  It is not surprising your frustration boiled over; however, it shows that you need support yourself and someone to talk to about the situation.

[Fleiss]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I really sympathise with your situation because it is incredibly tough trying to help people who appear not to try to help themselves.  But, some elderly people do struggle with asking for help or accepting it.  Some do become very critical of others.  Carers often have to develop skills to persuade people to do what is important for them.  It is stressful and demanding. I would definitely investigate what external help might be available from local services.

My own father had two strokes.  It was apparent that he had had these but sometimes it is not apparent.  One of the effects was that he became very negative, could not see the bright side of anything and only seemed to remember the bad things.  One minute he liked one type of food, the next day he didn't.  He said one thing one day and the next day denied it.  He was not aware of the effects of the stroke but others were.  These were strokes that were noticed at the time by others and diagnosed.  As people get older, sometimes they suffer minor strokes.  It is always possible that these cause problems in the brain and that crankiness or unreasonableness over some things is due to changes in the brain.  This is not necessarily the case with your father but something to bear in mind if he seems to be getting increasingly critical or unreasonable.

I think you had a tough day and obviously I don't know how you asked your father to do what you did.  Whatever it was, you insisted, so he then reacted like someone would who didn't want to be pushed into something.  Maybe your father felt he couldn't cope with your request.  He probably doesn't know what to do either and is hoping family sort it all out for him.

I think another poster's advice about seeking external information is a good one.  I am sure you must know enough about dementia now if your mother has been affected by it.  It does help sometimes to get the perspectives of experts.  In our country, we can get an assessment by local social services - maybe you have something similar there?  This can help because it can highlight any extra help that is needed - whether this is with extra care, physical aids for mobility, bathing, etc., or financially.  Hopefully, there are services locally that can help you but a consultation with the local welfare services can make a difference in itself, as they can point you to other services that can be supportive.

You are dealing with a very difficult situation and there is nothing wrong in taking a step back and giving yourself a break when needed.  It is not surprising your frustration boiled over; however, it shows that you need support yourself and someone to talk to about the situation.

Thanks for the nice words. I can say that my father has always been this critical/unappreciative of others’ performance. I have also told him to try and look on the bright side of things, as well:  how he has the attention of 4 kids, in a way or another, and the fact of living in such a nice and spacious place, while some old people have no roof above their heads. 

“As for mom, yes, let’s get together and properly discuss her situation .Make yourself heard. Or, do all the chores yourself, and don’t complain behind their backs.” What l mentioned earlier about his passive aggressive approach 

So, I think, he has always been one of those self-opinionated people who are doomed to never evolve much as human beings .

As regards these local services you mentioned, such infrastructure is still nonexistent where they live

Edited March 1, 2021 by Fleiss

[Fleiss]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I really sympathise with your situation because it is incredibly tough trying to help people who appear not to try to help themselves.  But, some elderly people do struggle with asking for help or accepting it.  Some do become very critical of others.  Carers often have to develop skills to persuade people to do what is important for them.  It is stressful and demanding. I would definitely investigate what external help might be available from local services.

My own father had two strokes.  It was apparent that he had had these but sometimes it is not apparent.  One of the effects was that he became very negative, could not see the bright side of anything and only seemed to remember the bad things.  One minute he liked one type of food, the next day he didn't.  He said one thing one day and the next day denied it.  He was not aware of the effects of the stroke but others were.  These were strokes that were noticed at the time by others and diagnosed.  As people get older, sometimes they suffer minor strokes.  It is always possible that these cause problems in the brain and that crankiness or unreasonableness over some things is due to changes in the brain.  This is not necessarily the case with your father but something to bear in mind if he seems to be getting increasingly critical or unreasonable.

I think you had a tough day and obviously I don't know how you asked your father to do what you did.  Whatever it was, you insisted, so he then reacted like someone would who didn't want to be pushed into something.  Maybe your father felt he couldn't cope with your request.  He probably doesn't know what to do either and is hoping family sort it all out for him.

I think another poster's advice about seeking external information is a good one.  I am sure you must know enough about dementia now if your mother has been affected by it.  It does help sometimes to get the perspectives of experts.  In our country, we can get an assessment by local social services - maybe you have something similar there?  This can help because it can highlight any extra help that is needed - whether this is with extra care, physical aids for mobility, bathing, etc., or financially.  Hopefully, there are services locally that can help you but a consultation with the local welfare services can make a difference in itself, as they can point you to other services that can be supportive.

You are dealing with a very difficult situation and there is nothing wrong in taking a step back and giving yourself a break when needed.  It is not surprising your frustration boiled over; however, it shows that you need support yourself and someone to talk to about the situation.

Just to add something about my request to the father.. Definitely l didn’t ask dad to go and have a fight with my brother, or kill him lol. Specifically, it was about mom’s showering: ask if his wife was there and if she could shower mom. I suppose, nothing too insurmountable for dad to convey..Ah, if it were some gossip, he would go there unrequested right away,  so as to pass it on.

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Fleiss

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Fleiss said:

Just to add something about my request to the father.. Definitely l didn’t ask dad to go and have a fight with my brother, or kill him lol. Specifically, it was about mom’s showering: ask if his wife was there and if she could shower mom. I suppose, nothing too insurmountable for dad to convey..Ah, if it were some gossip, he would go there unrequested right away,  so as to pass it on.

 

Literally, all your dad has to do is buy one of those plastic shower chairs that are designed for the elderly to sit on while someone washes them in the shower. I do that for my mother once a week and it takes no more than 15 minutes. It helps her keep her dignity as well as being hygienic. I can't believe your family won't even bother to shower your mom once a week. That's terrible! That's why you need to hire outside help. Your poor mom and you are both overwhelmed by your selfish family members. 

[Fleiss]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Literally, all your dad has to do is buy one of those plastic shower chairs that are designed for the elderly to sit on while someone washes them in the shower. I do that for my mother once a week and it takes no more than 15 minutes. It helps her keep her dignity as well as being hygienic. I can't believe your family won't even bother to shower your mom once a week. That's terrible! That's why you need to hire outside help. Your poor mom and you are both overwhelmed by your selfish family members. 

That’s the huge problem. Despite mother’s condition and her real needs, they can be so selfish, with my father topping the list.

And, on the other hand,  they also have the nerve to say that l like to make waves, what the heck!!

(Yes, we have such a chair.)

Edited March 1, 2021 by Fleiss

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, Fleiss said:

You hit the mark with your words!  I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. So, I really need a break from them, or just going there to spend some quality hours with mom, and let the rest manage the rest..

Unfortunately, there always seems to be one adult child doing all the heavy lifting, and the family unit seems to slip back into adolescent dynamics. I really hope that your other siblings will begin to participate more and step up so that you don't have to do all of this on your own.

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Unfortunately, there always seems to be one adult child doing all the heavy lifting, and the family unit seems to slip back into adolescent dynamics. I really hope that your other siblings will begin to participate more and step up so that you don't have to do all of this on your own.

Totally agree. The thing though about NOT apologizing to your elderly parents is that the bitterness from the circumstances fade when they are gone and you often get left with a bunch of regret and wondering why you did that . Things like this seem petty in retrospect. Source: have friends who had a lot family spats then lost parents 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Fleiss]

25 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Totally agree. The thing though about NOT apologizing to your elderly parents is that the bitterness from the circumstances fade when they are gone and you often get left with a bunch of regret and wondering why you did that . Things like this seem petty in retrospect. Source: have friends who had a lot family spats then lost parents 

You may be right. I really don’t know - it’s so hard to deal with old people like my father, especially under the current circumstances.

[Miss Spider]

No doubt. I completely understand and I am sorry to hear about what you’re going through. 

[Fleiss]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

No doubt. I completely understand and I am sorry to hear about what you’re going through. 

Thanks for the considerate input.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Totally agree. The thing though about NOT apologizing to your elderly parents is that the bitterness from the circumstances fade when they are gone and you often get left with a bunch of regret and wondering why you did that . Things like this seem petty in retrospect. Source: have friends who had a lot family spats then lost parents 

I see where you're coming from.

Forgiveness and apologizing is a personal choice, but sometimes we have to first work through and reconcile the hurt and disappointment that arose as a result of the interaction. Then it can come from a place of true understanding, acceptance and sincerity.

I feel like that's what OP is trying to process and work through.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Alpaca

[Fleiss]

22 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I see where you're coming from.

Forgiveness and apologizing is a personal choice, but sometimes we have to first work through and reconcile the hurt and disappointment that arose as a result of the interaction. Then it can come from a place of true understanding, acceptance and sincerity.

I feel like that's what OP is trying to process and work through.

Yes, you couldn’t be more true about that.