Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Hi guys, my boyfriend broke up (he dumped me because of his trust issues) with me nearly 2 weeks ago and now his mother is texting me. I don't understand why and how to respond. (Btw she used to text me a lot when we were together because she loved me and considered me as her daughter) Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 What is she texting you about? Your relationship or just discussing life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: What is she texting you about? Your relationship or just discussing life? Just asking, how are you Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Do you think she’s asking out of genuine concern? Or, is this a gateway to discuss her son/your relationship? Or do you think she wants to maintain a relationship with you? It’s very hard - relationships don’t always end just because someone has broken up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Do you think she’s asking out of genuine concern? Or, is this a gateway to discuss her son/your relationship? Or do you think she wants to maintain a relationship with you? It’s very hard - relationships don’t always end just because someone has broken up. I don't know why is she texting. I have no idea. I don't think she doesn't know about the breakup because her son always talked to her. I am so confused and I don't know how to respond to her Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) Yeah, she may know but she may be having a hard time because there was no closure for her - she didn’t get to say goodbye. I would text her back, just letting her know that you are doing ok. I would ask how she was doing. She may need to just say goodbye, tell you that she loved you and that she wishes you well. If the conversation veers into - why did he do this, I don’t like this, I want you to get back together... I would politely place a boundary there and say “It was his decision. This is between us. Thank you for your kindness... I wish you well.” It is possible to maintain a relationship after a breakup (my brother’s first serious girlfriend is my hair stylist!). But, because she is his mother I think it would be weird - especially if/when he starts dating other people. There is no harm in texting to provide some closure to the relationship. Just be cautious and maintain a boundary... (ie. don’t talk about your relationship with her). Thats whatI would do. Edited February 28, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Yeah, she may know but she may be having a hard time because there was no closure for her - she didn’t get to say goodbye. I would text her back, just letting her know that you are doing ok. I would ask how she was doing. She may need to just say goodbye, tell you that she loved you and that she wishes you well. If the conversation veers into - why did he do this, I don’t like this, I want you to get back together... I would politely place a boundary there and say “It was his decision. This is between us. Thank you for your kindness... I wish you well.” It is possible to maintain a relationship after a breakup (my brother’s first serious girlfriend is my hair stylist!). But, because she is his mother I think it would be weird - especially if/when he starts dating other people. There is no harm in texting to provide some closure to the relationship. Just be cautious and maintain a boundary... (ie. don’t talk about your relationship with her). Thats whatI would do. Btw she asked me, did you have an argument again? Because he is looking mad lately. Well, there are thess things in long distance when there is love. But I don't think she doesn't know. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Kristy said: Btw she asked me, did you have an argument again? Because he is looking mad lately. This would make me either ignore or politely reply to suggest that if she had questions, she should talk to her son. If she knows, she is playing dumb and that is manipulative. And with that comment, she is trying to triangulate - she is inserting herself into the relationship in a manipulative way and that’s not appropriate. She may have the best of intentions, but it’s none of her business. Ignore or reply politely to suggest that she speak with her son. Edited February 28, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This would make me either ignore or politely reply to suggest that if she had questions, she should talk to her son. If she knows, she is playing dumb and that is manipulative. And with that comment, she is trying to triangulate - she is inserting herself into the relationship in a manipulative way and that’s not appropriate. She may have the best of intentions, but it’s none of her business. Ignore or reply politely to suggest that she speak with her son. She said, I don't think he is serious because he loved you, but it is your bussiness, I want you to know that you are that daughter I never had, and you will always have a special place in my heart whatever happens Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 1 minute ago, Kristy said: She said, I don't think he is serious because he loved you, but it is your bussiness, I want you to know that you are that daughter I never had, and you will always have a special place in my heart whatever happens Honestly, I would just reply to say thank you. I would tell her that I appreciated the way she accepted me into the family and that I wish her well. Be kind, and appreciative. Try to stay out of the relationship discussion as much as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Kristy said: I don't know why is she texting. I have no idea. I don't think she doesn't know about the breakup because her son always talked to her. It's best to block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. What she's doing is sort of creepy and manipulative. Talk to your own friends and family. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 His mom is probably a nice person. She hates to see you upset. You did spend time in her home. Respond by politely & briefly explaining that you & her son broke up & while you appreciate her concern, in light of the break up you feel it's best to severe ties with her too. Give yourself & her one final good by conversation & then be done. There is no sense being rude to the mom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) Maybe she is his go-between. That is not so bad! Edited February 28, 2021 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Yes, be gracious. It doesn't sound like to me that she's being manipulative. She cares about you and this impacts her negatively. If she asks for details there's no harm in relating the basic facts... "he broke it off because he has trust issues, it was his decision." Her son may not have given her any info, or taken responsibility for it (he may be acting like a victim to her). Just be polite and as forthcoming as you're comfortable with. I don't think you need to tell her that you don't want to communicate, you can let it trail off naturally. I guess what I'm wondering is, where did the trust issues come from? Did you give him a reason not to trust you? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 She probably doesn't mean anything bad by it, but she has poor boundaries and she doesn't realize that it IS inappropriate. If I were you I would give her very short, simple replies, and if she keeps texting you then just stop replying. There is no reason for you to be talking to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Kristy said: She said, I don't think he is serious because he loved you, but it is your bussiness, I want you to know that you are that daughter I never had, and you will always have a special place in my heart whatever happens This is the manipulative part. You have every right to move on in peace without worry about her son dumping you or why and without having to entertain her guilt by proxy. Your special place in someone's heart should be with your Own family and your Next bf, not someone's mother. There's zero reason for her to lead you on by proxy either. Remember she raised this abusive guy you had to hide from your Own mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: This is the manipulative part. You have every right to move on in peace without worry about her son dumping you or why and without having to entertain her guilt by proxy. Your special place in someone's heart should be with your Own family and your Next bf, not someone's mother. There's zero reason for her to lead you on by proxy either. Remember she raised this abusive guy you had to hide from your Own mother. She has no idea about his behaviour. She would never be ok with it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: She probably doesn't mean anything bad by it, but she has poor boundaries and she doesn't realize that it IS inappropriate. If I were you I would give her very short, simple replies, and if she keeps texting you then just stop replying. There is no reason for you to be talking to her. She thought it was just a fight. She said I don't think he is serious about the breakup, but if you decided it together it is somethin else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted February 28, 2021 Author Share Posted February 28, 2021 3 hours ago, salparadise said: Yes, be gracious. It doesn't sound like to me that she's being manipulative. She cares about you and this impacts her negatively. If she asks for details there's no harm in relating the basic facts... "he broke it off because he has trust issues, it was his decision." Her son may not have given her any info, or taken responsibility for it (he may be acting like a victim to her). Just be polite and as forthcoming as you're comfortable with. I don't think you need to tell her that you don't want to communicate, you can let it trail off naturally. I guess what I'm wondering is, where did the trust issues come from? Did you give him a reason not to trust you? It has always been like that. I don't think I have given him reasons, though he thinks so, but he was kind of controlling and abusive because he used to insult me when he was angry about his trust issues. He has addiction to weed, and I guess he has some problems he hadn't discussed with anyone. I think he is not so ok with himself and he was taking it out on me. I was talking to a friend whose boyfriend had problems in the past (dark period as they call it) and also addiction to weed, and it looks like she had same problems (not trust issues) but blaming her for everything, insulting, getting angry fast Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Because maybe she likes you and maybe she thinks her son goofed but that’s his decision to make. It’s separate from the fact she likes you and probably feels bad about the break up . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorianna Posted March 2, 2021 Author Share Posted March 2, 2021 Hey! Today it is his (ex) mother's birthday. She was being very nice to me. Should I wish her Happy birthday? Link to post Share on other sites
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