He is extremely selfish and self serving and does nothing wrong

[springlove28]

I am just found this site today and thought it might be exactly what I need to make sense of the what one might call gaslighting or just nonsense in my life. 

While we are not married we do live together and have for 4 years now. Our relationship was pretty whirlwind and unexpected. He was a breath of fresh air and morning, noon and night laughed and got along so well. We had constant sex and did everything together. Fast forward to today, everything good I stated above is exactly opposite. EVERYTHING. 

After about a year I started to see signs of extreme selfishness. He began to resent having to use any of his money on bills or even fun stuff cause I had paid the bills. If I got him something or he got himself something (even Advil, or a flashlight) he keeps it seperate in a chest he has of "his stuff. He he paid for it, its kept seperate. We also began having sex less frequent. It took me by suprise but I let it go. 

When we argue he 100% believes its me and I am "just trying to fight with him". Our lives today: He rarely comes to bed, sex is maybe once a month, he seems "just has nothing to say" pretty much all the time. If we go somewhere it's silence in the car, hours at home with not word spoken sometimes entire days, rarely answers the phone when I call. I have addressed all of these issues to him and he tells me it's on my head and that the only problem we have is my "nagging' him. That is also his excuse for lack of sex. He does not pay for anything and at times I feel like he bullies me. When I put my foot down and tell him to leave (it's my place) he will refuse and tell me to evict him. But then he will start fixing the points bring up...for a few days... then right back. He will get severely frustrated when I tell him I don't think he really loves me. He says he does and he is sick of me saying I dont feel like he does. So, he won't leave and claims to love me, but he has no intention on fixing anything because he really sees me at the problem. 

Yes I am a pretty strong woman and am not "afraid to be alone". I am not afraid to be without him, but he just won't leave...but won't fix anything either. I need to save my sanity.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, springlove28 said:

He does not pay for anything and at times I feel like he bullies me. When I put my foot down and tell him to leave (it's my place) he will refuse and tell me to evict him.

Sorry this is happening. Sounds like a nightmare. Make his wish come true. Evict him. Well not exactly but give him 30 days (or whatever required) Written notice to vacate.

Even if he doesn't pay rent he has some legal rights, so be careful. At the end of the Written notice period you'll be able to have the sheriff/law enforcement remove him and all his stuff...legally. You can just argue and say "get out!"

Do not threaten to throw him out. Be calculated and businesslike as possible. Take all emotion out of the equation. Where did he live before? 

Simply start dealing with the task at hand. Did he sign a lease?  Does he pay rent?  Have a brief discussion with a tenant-landlord attorney or look up the laws in your jurisdiction and in your case. Make sure you go by the books so it doesn't drag out. 

 Stop discussing anything, stop trying to get affection from him. Tell all your trusted friends and family what is happening. Change ALL your passcodes. Sever all and any accounts. Take his name off everything. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

The first question is - is this the relationship you want for your life? 

It doesn’t seem like this is a problem that can be fixed - you need to have a willing partner to address some of these issues and it doesn’t sound like you have that. 

So your choices are, to continue as you have been or evict him. I don’t know what his rights are, it will likely depend on where you live. You may need to talk with a lawyer if he doesn’t go on his own volition. 

 

Edited February 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

He's not sharing his life with you.  If it's your place, evict him.  Just tell him it's over & he has to go. 

[springlove28]

I agree and have done a good bit of research. The problem is he always just goes on with life as if I never said it. He will get perplexed when everything is not fine the next day and then use that as an example of how it is all my fault and "something is wrong with me". I cave and question myself. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by springlove28

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, springlove28 said:

Our relationship was pretty whirlwind and unexpected. He was a breath of fresh air and morning, noon and night laughed and got along so well. We had constant sex and did everything together. Fast forward to today, everything good I stated above is exactly opposite. EVERYTHING. 

How long did you date before he moved in with you? Is it possible that this was the honeymoon stage - you were both very infatuated with each other. But now that you have settled comfortably into the relationship, you are seeing him for the person he really is? 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, springlove28 said:

I agree and have done a good bit of research. The problem is he always just goes on with live as if I never said it. He will get perplexed when everything is not fine the next day and then use that as an example of how it is all my fault and "something is wrong with me". I cave and question myself. 

He’s trying to distract and confuse you and it’s working - you are taking the bait.
You are focused on his behavior when you should be focused on your life.
If this is not the partner you want for your life, you have some decisions you need to make. 
 

Edited February 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[springlove28]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How long did you date before he moved in with you? Is it possible that this was the honeymoon stage - you were both very infatuated with each other. But now that you have settled comfortably into the relationship, you are seeing him for the person he really is? 

For sure! I am not even happy when he is doing damage control and half way doing what he should. I guess my issue is I don't know how to get off this rollercoaster ride. I know in my heart the next 30 days will be spent with him going between extreme passive aggressive behavior and trying to kiss butt to get me to cave... and it will be relentless.

We dated about 7 months before moving in together. 

I realize I left out an important factor. We own a pretty successful small business together. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by springlove28

[BaileyB]

Meaning, you plan to give him 30 days to leave? 

Why do you have to give him 30 days? Tell him to pack his things and leave, ASAP. And then, you ignore as much as you can until he is gone. It won’t be easy, but you can’t leave because you should protect your home. 

Is there a third party that you can bring into the mix to back you up? I don’t know if that would inflame the situation, or diffuse the conflict. 

You better believe he will try everything - kissing up, negotiating, ignoring/continuing as usual, passing the blame to you,  threatening you. You will need to be firm and ignore his attempts to manipulate you. 

Edited February 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[springlove28]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Meaning, you plan to give him 30 days to leave? 

Why do you have to give him 30 days? Tell him to pack his things and leave, ASAP. And then, you ignore as much as you can until he is gone. It won’t be easy, but you can’t leave because you should protect your home. 

Is there a third party that you can bring into the mix to back you up? I don’t know if that would inflame the situation, or diffuse the conflict. 

You better believe he will try everything - kissing up, negotiating, ignoring/continuing as usual, passing the blame to you,  threatening you. You will need to be firm and ignore his attempts to manipulate you. 

By law, because he legally lives here, I cant throw him out. I have to go through the full eviction process which where I live can take up to 90 days. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, springlove28 said:

By law, because he legally lives here, I cant throw him out. I have to go through the full eviction process which where I live can take up to 90 days. 

That’s unfortunate. Do you have separate bedrooms? A sofa?

[basil67]

I would suggest you break up with him and get the eviction process started ASAP.    It's going to be very uncomfortable for a while, but keep focused on the end result

The business you own together is a different problem.  Do you expect your working relationship to implode if you end the personal relationship?

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, springlove28 said:

By law, because he legally lives here, I cant throw him out. I have to go through the full eviction process which where I live can take up to 90 days. 

Ok, then start the process. 

[lana-banana]

Do it. By the time someone is daring you to take legal action against them, you don't have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

[basil67]

@springlove28 do you own or rent?   If you rent, you may be able to break the lease so that you can move out.  It would be very inconvenient, but ultimately, a small price to pay for your sanity.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you rent, you may be able to break the lease so that you can move out.  It would be very inconvenient, but ultimately, a small price to pay for your sanity.

I disagree with this. He slithered into her place, freeloads etc. Much much easier to get him out than to get out of a lease, move, etc. Paperwork is easy. Breaking a lease can have huge consequences besides having the security withheld. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, springlove28 said:

By law, because he legally lives here, I cant throw him out. I have to go through the full eviction process which where I live can take up to 90 days. 

So do it.  

[Cookiesandough]

He won’t leave? Oh you can make him leave. Evict him and then call the police and they will escort him out. 

[S2B]

1 hour ago, springlove28 said:

I agree and have done a good bit of research. The problem is he always just goes on with life as if I never said it. He will get perplexed when everything is not fine the next day and then use that as an example of how it is all my fault and "something is wrong with me". I cave and question myself. 

Well stop questioning yourself. Make him move. If needed - take steps to evict him!

keep an eye on all bank accounts and cards - he could steal your assets if he thinks you are making him leave and aren’t paying close attention.

he’s a mooch! Men like this never change! They just move on to the next victim to pay for them.

be done with him! He isn’t adding anything great to your daily life!

[S2B]

If you started making him miserable every single day he is there - he may leave sooner. 
start being terrible to him. Make demands. Keep a journal.

[MsJayne]

I feel for you, he's very, very bad news. Like everyone says, either evict him via the correct process, or if you rent just work on getting your name off the lease. Your business is another story, I don't know how you will get out of that, it depends what sort of business it is, but by the sound of it he's coasting along on your life skills so he probably needs you a lot more than you need him.  Him gas-lighting you, (and he is), is a big worry as it's a common symptom of some types of mental health disorders, perhaps a chat with a qualified mental health worker would be a good support for you while you go through the separation process as your self-doubt is also a symptom, of being psychologically and emotionally abused.  A good way to establish that this is what's going on is that they always follow a pattern - they devalue and dispute your version of events, then follow up with a pretense of concern that you're imagining things.  All gas-lighters should be connected to a device that gives them a 1000vt electric shock every time they lie, it would make the world a better place. 

[springlove28]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That’s unfortunate. Do you have separate bedrooms? A sofa?

He rarely comes to bed anyway so I am ok there. 

[springlove28]

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Do it. By the time someone is daring you to take legal action against them, you don't have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

That is exactly how I feel. Everyone's support today has really helped and I am going to evict him. I am playing it cool until I get the paperwork done in a few days, but I now feel like I have a direction to pursue.

[springlove28]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I disagree with this. He slithered into her place, freeloads etc. Much much easier to get him out than to get out of a lease, move, etc. Paperwork is easy. Breaking a lease can have huge consequences besides having the security withheld. 

I own my house. But he will not go quietly, but I just have to remember he will go. I also learned today if he tries to get aggressive with me (no he has never hit me) I will call the police and have him removed immediately. But that is only if I feel my safety is in question. I am not sure how he will respond when he figures out I am serious. 

[springlove28]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

If you started making him miserable every single day he is there - he may leave sooner. 
start being terrible to him. Make demands. Keep a journal.

That is a good idea. I might give it a go after I give him 30 days notice. Thanks