Blackrusshin Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) I’m going to get straight to it. I cheated on my wife with the same woman, off and on, for 3 years until we broke it off. I had known her for about 3 years prior to us actually sleeping together. I really had a strong emotional connection with her. I love(d) her. But we ended the affair I’m 2017. My wife and I moved and subsequently my wife passed away a few weeks ago. However, I’m still in love with my ex mistress. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over her. Although I am grieving over the death of my wife, my marriage wasn’t always fulfilling over our 20 years together. Am I wrong to want to reconnect with the other woman after 4 years? SN: we’ve kept in touch as friends (sort of) since 2017 Edited February 28, 2021 by Blackrusshin Additional point
basil67 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 I've known couples where the death of a partner is a release, so no it's not ridiculous that you may want to reconnect with your ex-mistress. Questions: Is the ex-mistress married? Do you have children with your deceased wife? Are you planning to go public with the mistress anytime soon?
Author Blackrusshin Posted February 28, 2021 Author Posted February 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: I've known couples where the death of a partner is a release, so no it's not ridiculous that you may want to reconnect with your ex-mistress. Questions: Is the ex-mistress married? Do you have children with your deceased wife? Are you planning to go public with the mistress anytime soon? No she’s single and have an 18 yr old son and 2 grown step daughters. I don’t want to go public yet because of her family seeing me as an a**h***
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Blackrusshin said: I don’t want to go public yet because of her family seeing me as an a**h*** And that’s the thing... while you may be ready to move on and you have every right to be in a relationship with another woman you must remember that your children and your family are grieving the loss of a daughter, a sister, a mother. Give them time. Honour their grief. I will share, my father did not have an affair but he moved on to begin another relationship weeks after my mother passed. In his grief, he pushed us to accept this new relationship and in our grief, we found that very difficult. It almost ended our relationship. He now says he regrets moving so fast - about so many things... My best advice, the introduction of this new woman to your family is more likely to be successful if you take your time. There’s no reason why you can’t pursue this relationship but I would keep it private for the time being - new relationships are often private until the individual is ready to introduce their new partner to their family. I know, relationships are complicated but I am sorry for the loss of your wife. Edited February 28, 2021 by BaileyB 5
basil67 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 And your kids will see you that way too I see nothing wrong with it if you're discreet.
basil67 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 40 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I will share, my father did not have an affair but he moved on to begin another relationship weeks after my mother passed. In his grief, he pushed us to accept this new relationship and in our grief, we found that very difficult. He now says he regrets moving to fast - about so many things... This relationship and the introduction of this new woman to your family are more likely to be successful if you take your time. One of my best friends had this experience too and she very much struggled with it. Meanwhile my FIL moved on quickly, but his family were happy to see him happy - I think this was not such a common response though.
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Blackrusshin said: her family seeing me as an a**h*** Why do they see you as an a**h*le? Do they know about the affair? If not, do they not approve of you for other reasons maybe? 1 hour ago, Blackrusshin said: we’ve kept in touch as friends (sort of) since 2017 Sort of? Do you even know if your ex mistress wants to be in a relationship with you? Four years is a long time and being on and off for years before that, maybe she will want to pass...
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 9 minutes ago, basil67 said: One of my best friends had this experience too and she very much struggled with it. Meanwhile my FIL moved on quickly, but his family were happy to see him happy - I think this was not such a common response though. I think it depends on many things... My mom was in the prime of life when she had a catastrophic diagnosis and she died six months later. That’s different than a loss where the individual has been ill for a long time with a chronic illness before they pass - as an example. If my father was caregiver in that situation, I would have absolutely wanted him not to seize the day. As it was, we needed some time to deal with the trauma and the grief. He told us early on and I would have been fine if he kept his relationship private. Well, I probably wouldn’t have been “fine” but I would have respected his right to be in a relationship. As it was, he very much intended to move this woman into their home a few months after my mother passed and expect us to attend Sunday night dinner as usual. His expectations were not reasonable, and that was difficult. For me, it wasn’t “that” he did it but “how” he did it. I could tell you more, but it’s a story for another day... It’s why I would suggest to OP that it’s not “that he has another relationship” but “how” he introduces the idea to family and friends. 3
Author Blackrusshin Posted February 28, 2021 Author Posted February 28, 2021 55 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Why do they see you as an a**h*le? Do they know about the affair? If not, do they not approve of you for other reasons maybe? Sort of? Do you even know if your ex mistress wants to be in a relationship with you? Four years is a long time and being on and off for years before that, maybe she will want to pass... Yes she has expressed that she’s felt the same way. Sort of meaning thru social media. So yes they know about the affair. They were disappointed at the time but didn’t blame (only) me for doing it
Author Blackrusshin Posted March 1, 2021 Author Posted March 1, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: I think it depends on many things... My mom was in the prime of life when she had a catastrophic diagnosis and she died six months later. That’s different than a loss where the individual has been ill for a long time with a chronic illness before they pass - as an example. If my father was caregiver in that situation, I would have absolutely wanted him not to seize the day. As it was, we needed some time to deal with the trauma and the grief. He told us early on and I would have been fine if he kept his relationship private. Well, I probably wouldn’t have been “fine” but I would have respected his right to be in a relationship. As it was, he very much intended to move this woman into their home a few months after my mother passed and expect us to attend Sunday night dinner as usual. His expectations were not reasonable, and that was difficult. For me, it wasn’t “that” he did it but “how” he did it. I could tell you more, but it’s a story for another day... It’s why I would suggest to OP that it’s not “that he has another relationship” but “how” he introduces the idea to family and friends. Thank you for the feedback. Yes I’d been her caregiver for many years. She was sick and had a lot of demons and things going on. Alcoholism helped her cope but also tore us apart for years. Drinking was her priority. It interferes with her keeping a job. I shouldered a lot of not everything. I don’t plan on letting the family know for at least 6-9 more months
BaileyB Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 24 minutes ago, Blackrusshin said: So yes they know about the affair. This will make the situation that much more difficult. All the more reason to proceed with caution and take your time. I’m sorry, that sounds like a very complicated marriage. Glad she has found peace and wish you well.
sandylee1 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 If the family know who the affair was with, I doubt they'll believe it ever ended. 4
pepperbird2 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 Just my take, but I would put the emotional needs of your family first. It doesn't mean you can never be with this woman, just that right now, emotions may be very raw. As the relationship started as an affair, you may find some blowback that is less than positive. Your family is grieving, and that needs to be respected. Given some time an distance, attitudes may soften, but you might have to accept that they may never be "okay" with your relationship. Hopefully, that won't happen.
Author Blackrusshin Posted March 1, 2021 Author Posted March 1, 2021 7 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said: Just my take, but I would put the emotional needs of your family first. It doesn't mean you can never be with this woman, just that right now, emotions may be very raw. As the relationship started as an affair, you may find some blowback that is less than positive. Your family is grieving, and that needs to be respected. Given some time an distance, attitudes may soften, but you might have to accept that they may never be "okay" with your relationship. Hopefully, that won't happen. I agree. It’s very hard because my wife did something that is absolutely unforgivable so I am in between sadness and resentment. I mean I did as well because I cheated but she jeopardized our son’s life
pepperbird2 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 6 minutes ago, Blackrusshin said: I agree. It’s very hard because my wife did something that is absolutely unforgivable so I am in between sadness and resentment. I mean I did as well because I cheated but she jeopardized our son’s life It sounds like there's a real backstory there. Is it possible that you and your son could attend some counselling together to help you both grieve and process what's happened? That way, you could start off with a clean slate and he might understand better all you have been through?
ChickenLady88 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 I am sorry for your loss, regardless it's never easy to say goodbye. As others have said, it may be best to give the kids some time to deal with their grief. As for other family members, some may not see the issue but there's always someone that is going to have a problem with it. I've watched this happen in my husband's family when my sister-in-law passed away. He waited a little over year, met someone, and they married after dating for a year. Even with that much time, certain family members wanted to condemn him for it. Things have since settled down but the point remains that someone somewhere will have a problem with it. Maybe just let the kids cope with their feelings and then open up the discussion in regards to dating someone new.
notbroken Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 You cheated with the old mistress. Trust is a cornerstone of a successful relationship. Do you really think she could ever trust you completely? Wouldn't your relationship be starting on a bad note with her as well as family. Seems you would be better off with someone completely new (and no more affairs regardless of reason). 2
vla1120 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 22 hours ago, BaileyB said: I will share, my father did not have an affair but he moved on to begin another relationship weeks after my mother passed. In his grief, he pushed us to accept this new relationship and in our grief, we found that very difficult. It almost ended our relationship. He now says he regrets moving so fast - about so many things... My best advice, the introduction of this new woman to your family is more likely to be successful if you take your time. This^^^^^. At my mother's funeral in 1992, my stepfather asked her friend if she'd like to go to a concert for which he and my mother had tickets in a couple months. The audacity was astounding. I never really got along with him anyways, so I wasn't shocked, but it absolutely crushed my two younger half sisters (his and my mother's daughters.) Go ahead and make contact with your ex-mistress. Carry on an affair as much as you please, but for the sake of your kids and in-laws, keep it under taps!! Also, I found myself in a similar situation after my husband's death in June 2020. We had been estranged for most of the six years we were married, but I came to live with him and take care of him in his final months. Once he passed, I felt a sense of relief, as horrible as that sounds, because it was an end to his control and abuse. However, I had to be very careful about how I moved forward so that I did not offend my in-laws. Tread carefully....
BaileyB Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, vla1120 said: my stepfather asked her friend if she'd like to go to a concert for which he and my mother had tickets in a couple months. The audacity was astounding. My dad told me two weeks after she passed that he “wasn’t going to be single forever...” A few weeks later, we got through Christmas.and then a few weeks after that - he told us he was in a relationship! I knew the woman, which didn’t make it any easier... Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Bless his heart, my father could not get through the day without someone by his side. I knew that about him, a counsellor once told me “Don’t you think your mom knew that about him?” As much as I understood it, and as much as I cared for him and wanted him to find comfort, it was still really hard. Edited March 1, 2021 by BaileyB
spiritedaway2003 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 49 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Go ahead and make contact with your ex-mistress. Carry on an affair as much as you please, but for the sake of your kids and in-laws, keep it under taps!! It wouldn’t be an affair. It sounds to be that he wanted to explore and possibly legitimize that relationship. A lot of the advice given in this thread is solid and the warning shots have been fired. Be sensitive to others’ grieving process. You can date but be discreet. The fact that it was an AP relationship complicates matters quite a bit... One of the reasons why AP relationships have a harder time lasting isn’t always because there isn’t love or trust), it’s that the history affects the relationship dynamics of the other family members you care around you. In addition to grieving, others might not be ready to see you move on so quickly (this is relative). Or they could ok but they would rather you date anyone but AP (due to history and old wounds). It’s just how things are and that’s why the advice is often that you’d be better off starting in a new relationship (this is true, in spite of the fact that feelings for individuals are often not interchangeable). Humans aren’t always rational when it comes to matters of the heart... Lots of good advice ...so thread lightly. Also, understand that your family members may never accept your AP relationship, even when you are free to pursue any relationship. I am sorry for your loss. I also hope you can work with someone to eventually let go of the resentment of what you wife did to your son (whatever it was). It seems like it’s a heavy burden to carry that around with you through life.
Prudence V Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 2 hours ago, notbroken said: Do you really think she could ever trust you completely? Wouldn't your relationship be starting on a bad note with her as well as family. Why?
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2021 Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, Prudence V said: Why? Apart from the fact it is an affair which may or may not matter, they were off and on for 3 years then have been split up for the past 4 years, hardly the love story of the century. Off and on is not usually a good sign in a relationship... I guess also she likely has quite a lot of resentment built up due to the fact he "chose" his wife ultimately and has been gone for the past 4 years. Edited March 1, 2021 by elaine567
Author Blackrusshin Posted March 2, 2021 Author Posted March 2, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Apart from the fact it is an affair which may or may not matter, they were off and on for 3 years then have been split up for the past 4 years, hardly the love story of the century. Off and on is not usually a good sign in a relationship... I guess also she likely has quite a lot of resentment built up due to the fact he "chose" his wife ultimately and has been gone for the past 4 years. She was legit my friend first. Like all the way platonic. She was the last person I expected to be there when my wife died. Old feelings came back. Then she told me that she never got over me and that she loved me despite all the foolishness. She said that every relationship she pursued failed because she continued to love me.
Amethyst68 Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 If you've been in touch with other for the past four years your affair never ended! The only thing that ended was the physical part. You didn't really give your marriage a real chance because you never really severed your emotional connection to the OW by staying in touch with her. As for getting together with the woman you betrayed your wife with, in a full relationship, only a few weeks after your wife died, I guess I'm in a minority when I think that's really disrespectful. Actually I would think that if it was any woman. Not only because of the respect and thinking of the impact on your son but also because the death of someone close can affect you and cause you to act in ways you normally wouldn't. 4
Timshel Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 On 2/28/2021 at 4:16 PM, Blackrusshin said: I’m going to get straight to it. I cheated on my wife with the same woman, off and on, for 3 years until we broke it off. I had known her for about 3 years prior to us actually sleeping together. I really had a strong emotional connection with her. I love(d) her. But we ended the affair I’m 2017. My wife and I moved and subsequently my wife passed away a few weeks ago. However, I’m still in love with my ex mistress. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over her. Although I am grieving over the death of my wife, my marriage wasn’t always fulfilling over our 20 years together. Am I wrong to want to reconnect with the other woman after 4 years? SN: we’ve kept in touch as friends (sort of) since 2017 All of this is quite vapid and shallow. What you mean to say is that you are quite well to be free. My sister decided to disparage my brother on facebook the day after he died. Some people roll like that. Give your mistress a call. 1
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