pepperbird2 Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 When my mom's cancer came back, she knew it was the end of her life. she and my dad loved each other very much, and he was there for her, right up until the day she passed away in palliative care. I have no doubt that he loved her. They were best friends and had been married just shy of 50 years. That being said, he couldn't cope with the loneliness. We came home from form the palliative care unit after she died, and he, my brother and I just sort of sat in the silence. It was awful. I remember him rearranging the living room furniture because he couldn't stand to see what had been "her" chair without her in it. About two months later, he met a woman and they started dating and eventually moved in together. At first, I was angry at him, it felt like he was dishonouring my mother's memory. He and I talked about it, and I came away form that conversation with a better understanding of why he was in the relationship, and I truly believe that my mom, as much as she loved him, would not have wanted him to spend the rest of his life alone. I guess it's part of the grieving process...accepting that your parent needs to move on. That's why I think it's so important for you to talk this over with your son after you feel an appropriate period of time has passed. I 100% do not approve of affairs, but you can't go back and change what happened. All you can do is move forward into the future. It could be that, so long as it;s done in a way that's respectful you your son and his relationship with your late wife, he may be okay. I would also suggest waiting to tell him until you are absolutely sure the relationship will be a long term one, and if and when you do tell him, be ready for him to be angry. You sound like a reasonable person, and I'm sure you can understand how that could happen. 4
Prudence V Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 3 hours ago, pepperbird2 said: I would also suggest waiting to tell him until you are absolutely sure the relationship will be a long term one, and if and when you do tell him, be ready for him to be angry. I agree with @pepperbird2’s advice (above), but especially the part I’ve quoted here. You spoke earlier, OP, about your late wife having put your son’s life in danger. If he was aware of that, he’ll likely have a complex relationship with, and memories of, his mother. If he wasn’t, he probably still picked up something from you about a change in your relationship with her that he might not understand. Either way, when someone passes after a complicated relationship, there is unresolved anger, regret, and all sorts of other things mixed into the grieving. You may feel ready to move on - it sounds from your post that you’d separated emotionally some time ago - but you need to make sure those around you are ready too, if you want their support in your relationship with your GF. (And, as someone married to their former AP, I really do recommend that. It makes a world of difference to the chances of the R surviving ling-term.) One of those people is your son, and another is your GF. Moving into a different role, especially in these circumstances, can be challenging, and you both need to be sure it has legs before announcing it to the world, but especially your family. And because people will be at different points in their grieving, some may not be as ready as you are, and may express that as anger. If that is the case, you might want to consider some family counselling to aid the transition. 3
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